Some of the indigenous children of the Bora tribe, Amazonian jungle, Peru
During the nightmarish Ayahuasca throw down #2, I learned countless lessons. There, inside an Amazonian lodge, dosing on the strongest psychoactive plant available, listening to people purging their guts out, throwing up myself for what seemed like hours at a time, shaking and trembling and taking on the pain of the whole fucking world, I realized I wasn’t listening. I have the answers deep down, but like the boundary-testing adolescent I do things myself and I don’t need your fucking help Gemini that I am, I’d rather take the hard way. At least life’s more interesting that way.
The next day, I stayed in the negative headspace, adamantly choosing to tough it out – thinking this was my lesson. I was a warrior, a superhero, and I was being tested. Fine. Fucking FINE. I would pass with flying colors. Sure, I couldn’t stop crying. Sure, I was rejecting the help of every last friendly soul. I can do it myself. I can.
Oh. Wait. News flash, cowgirl, you can’t handle the weight of the world all by your lonesome. I came to that conclusion after a four hour hike through the Primary Forest. And as I rode in the boat back down the Amazon, watching the cotton candy and peach fuzz flecked sunset, I took a breath long enough to hold back the brain space babbling and finally asked the question – What AM I supposed to be learning here?
As soon as I opened up – as soon as I started *listening*, the answers came flooding. I was choking on happy, enlightened tears in no time. My Higher Self was large and in charge – the part of me that’s lived every life and the spaces in between. She wants me to follow my destiny and to stop making things so *cough* bloody difficult. No agenda. No ego.
It’s too bad she doesn’t have a louder set of pipes.
On Sunday eve, however, she came through again. During my HUGE FUCKING BREAKDOWN, I threw myself on my bed and just Sobbed, – a primal release. I heard myself moan – “I don’t understand, why do I give myself to people who want give in return?” And a voice came through in my head. Not the normal negative blah blah fat girl stupid girl blah blah blah voice – this one was warm and familiar. “Is it You?” I asked. She said “Yes.” I sucked in the surfaced sob and just . . .listened.
She convinced me not to go head first into the ocean with rocks and a sharp blade – nice of her, yes. Then she reminded me that without a Big Fucking Neon Sign, I didn’t see things. I wouldn’t get out of the way of a child on a bell-ringing bicycle. But a speed demon semi? That I’d move for. And that’s what I/She created.
Ever since then, I’ve shut her and the rest of the world as far out as I can muster. Arm’s length my ass – miles away. Worlds. Which suits me. For how long, I don’t know, but I’m afraid of going back. I have THE most loving, accepting people in my life, and this is how I treat them. I keep saying it’s for my survival but I don’t even know what that means.
Well, actually, I do know one thing – it means I need to stop. Look. LISTEN. Someone’s in there with the answers.
