Seeker, striking a pose with Yaheh tribal paint smudged on his face. Peace be with you, traveler.
Right. Yes. OK. So, I find enlightenment beyond my wildest dreams. I connect with the Universal Energy. I fucking UNDERstand, in such a cosmic way.
And yet, I fall in love with someone who not only can’t reciprocate, but is downright fucking hurtful. Certainly not in any tangible, concrete way, because that would be easier. Oh hell yes it would. I thought, I REALLY did, that he loved me. Liked me a lot? That’d even be swell. I did my typical GIVE THE WORLD bullshit. Would have handed over my life savings – ANYthing, I just wanted him to see what I saw – such a magnificent being. Such greatness and talent and beauty. But I gave away myself in the meantime. I bloody did it again. And oh shock/awe – I got trampled. It just lit up in neon. The affection disappeared. Any sign of concern about my well-being. Argumentative about, well, everything. Made me feel like his personal assistant, not his girlfriend. He comes home from vacation and sees the whole goddamn world before I even get five minutes.
Hah – but lest you think I didn’t learn SOMEthing in the last few fucking months – it’s all my fault. Shut-up, I know. And that – THAT is why I am so close to throwing in the towel . . .
Something absolutely gigantic is wrong with me. That I could know so much, that I could touch the blasted stars and talk to the Universe, and yet still choose to give every part of myself to someone who makes me feel small, who reciprocates next to nothing and yet feeds on the energy I dish – it just doesn’t add up. I must be brimming with self-hatred. I must think this is what I deserve. I can’t dig it up, see. I can’t understand. I am so, so fucked.
Do me a favor – if anyone actually reads this ridiculous nonsense, don’t say a bloody word. I know it all anyway. Isn’t that pompous? Yes, well, knowing DOESN’T MATTER. I am fucking broken. And as such, I just want to be alone. I don’t care if it’s dramatic, I don’t care if it seems selfish and sorry-ass boo-hoo bullshit, I just can’t deal with the feedback of the masses anymore. Seriously – I just don’t want to hear it. Any of it. I want solitude, and day by days, and nothing, nothing more.
