A bora girl - innocence defined - a queen of the selva (jungle)
I talk about this a lot. I know. But it’s my cross to bare and I feel if I could just break out of this negative space, I could create miracles. For people far more deserving.
There’s a voice in my head who’s echoes travel all the way into my atriums, out my pores, and into the cocoon that surrounds me. She’s always, always talking about how ugly I appear – inside and out, but mostly the exterior views. My body. It used to be so much smaller and lovelier, but even then – well, the voice was just as critical. Try living in LA for twelve years as a 5 10 heavyweight and listen to the backlash in your head. A stupid, lame excuse but it’s my only one. I know better – that’s what hurts so much. I know that the weight I carry isn’t so dramatic, and that I’m lucky to have the body I do, but fuck, it’s little consolation. This hatred has driven me to some alarming past extremes. Eating disorders, fasting, manic workouts – and still, I loathe the results.
I thought over the weekend that my spirit and my body are at war. Each of us, we have a siamese type bond between the two, and it’s obviously advantageous if they get along. My spirit, she’s feisty and strong and a mountain-mover, but she likes perfection. She wants everything just So. And body, she’s fond of the finer things in life, and has always carried more of herself than the spirit thinks is necessary. So they fight. But let me tell you, if I was with a partner that spoke to me the way the voice calls out my body, I’d kick some ass. It’s seriously cruel, unnecessary, and if I’m being really insightful, I know it’s also untrue. And this tough love shit only makes me eat. So there has to be another way.
I’m going back to the Amazon in December, and this will be a major focus. The shaman already cured my migraines (not even the tiniest twinge of a headache since i’ve returned, and just typing that makes me smile from ear to ear), so I believe in his power. I believe that he can help me take all the negative energy pointed inward, analyzing my exterior flaws, and flip it. Dissolve it into the love I know I have much more of, and push it outward, so I can focus on doing good for people. Even myself. This is ridiculous, this constant battle. I know I’m not alone in this, but that doesn’t justify the continuation. It feels like a sickness. But I have to believe there’s a cure.
