That’s what a Peruvian goat looks like. Baaaaah.
Well, I’m not exactly panicking, but I’m really feeling the squeeze.
There are so many decisions to make. Everything’s resting just within reach; I just have to chase it. Something stops me from the effort at times; perhaps it’s fear of success? I know it’s a common disorder, but I’m not sure why it would inflict me. I do know that when I was successful in my weight efforts – super skinny and feeling the best that I could be – I felt hated and vulnerable. Not at all what I expected. So I gained weight to hide again.
Maybe I do that with everything.
I didn’t sleep a wink the night before I came to Philly. I felt so anxious, my stomach imploded and so I paced around, talking to Boo and trying to understand. So I grabbed my Tarot deck for insights. I asked a couple of questions; the first was about someone in my life. The Defeat card came up, and I can accept that. Win some, lose some. Yes, well, then came the big guns; career. Writing. What on earth will become of me?
I narrowed the focus to the next few months. Tarot made no bullshit about my current state. Cruelty was the center card, couched by Failure. My fears. My absolute nightmare right now. Thankfully – oh bloody hell, way more than that, but I don’t have the words – I shall overcome. The Ace of Discs (a self-imposed power) gave way to the Ace of Wands (power from the supernatural) – two of the most transforming cards in the deck. I’m there, you know? Right on the cusp. The high-diver inching my way to the ledge, ready to win my gold. I’m there, I just don’t whether to do a backflip or a nose dive or to maybe even fly. I’m just so afraid of so much – most of which I can’t even name. My Ace of Wands; she’s the Amazon. My life-changer.
I’m in Philly. It’s lovely. I met a gaggle of new friends last night who showed me the city. I ate at Morimoto’s. I drank local beers and listened to live jazz. I saw all kinds of historical treasures, and have been warmed by the niceness of the people here. So open and real. It’s bringing out the parts of me I like best, too. Such a worthy getaway.
Tonight I’m tucked into my hotel room. I have a view of Philly’s City Hall from my window, and it’s magical. The largest City Hall in the nation. William Penn is waving hello. I’m at the laptop to pound out some novel genius. It hurts to revisit the history, but it’s still so cathartic and wonderful. Helps me remember who I am. You’d be surprised how often I forget.
