My friend William, who I spent 2 Peruvian journeys with - he’s got himself a jungle bird.
Warning: I’m hopped up on caramel macchiatos and feeling a bit omnipotent. I am reminded of the time Nihil and I were on acid and looming on a seventh floor parking structure, and I saw these purple flowers below and simply *had* to pick a few – they were so beautiful, in fact, there were worth flying for.
Thank God Nihil had strong hands.
I’ve said this before – night three of Ayahuasca gave me one loud and proud gift: to stop resisting. I kept asking “Stop resisting what?” and she’d answer back “See, that’s resistance! Stop it!” And we’d giggle and run in circles and then I’d morph into a jaguar and visit a past life and come back with more questions. But I am feeling this more and more, the universal acceptance.
At that time, I thought the lesson was all about resisting my pain and fear and overwhelming confusion. I could certainly accept that – the need to just let it all come up (purge, baby, purge) and not fight with the emotions. But what I realized today is that I have a harder time accepting the *good* things. That I am loved. That I can reach my dreams, and even surpass them. That I, just like everyone else, am actually worthy.
So I said to the cosmos – thank you. These gifts you’re granting me – I accept. Enough with the I don’t deserve this dialogue. Where does that come from? I have an ideal of perfection and I don’t meet the vision. So therefore, I guess I withhold things from myself, in punishment. Well, that’s poppycock. I accept that I can be loved – unconditionally. I accept that I can indeed be a kickass independent writer with no ties to the corporate world – it’s what I want. It’s already happening. I’m going to stop resisting now.
There was a woman I met once – a new girlfriend of one of my Favorites. I bounded into the room to meet her, a ball of light and joy, and ran up to tackle hug her. She threw out her palm and stopped me short. “No, thanks.” I felt like I had gone head first into a barrier. Three years later, she still will have nothing to do with me. She still resists the fact that I don’t want to steal her man, and I really just want us to be friends. And I think, what a bunch of drama she’s created. What a heaping pile of unnecessary darkness. Then I look at my life and shudder at all the ways I’ve done the same.
Boo is lying at my feet, purring and gazing up at me with that all-adoring look. He doesn’t resist my love. He’s my teacher in all of this. We should all be so open, so able to receive.
This weekend, I will get my hair done and feel fierce and powerful. I will share a meal with my new love and my best friends. And we will go *dancing* – a chance to channel the energies of the universe and unify. I am open and positively elated. I am lucky beyond words. And I really need another macchiato.
