Surrounded by mapacho smoke, at the first intention setting as we start to cook the Ayahuasca
So this breathing thing – it tastes like honey.
I am alive and that’s the focus. I feel electrified and driven, but still walled up inside, guarded by demons in case the phone rings and death answers again. I haven’t yet let myself miss daddy, but I did get lost in the Hollywood Hills this morning and I found him there waiting. I found this hidden staircase, and 200 steps later I loomed on top of a mountain, gazing at the sun kissed mansions and run down apartments. Daddy met me at the top, smiling. He loved jogging and mornings and this seemed right. I waved and kept walking, and a few minutes later. . .I knew I was lost. But I didn’t care. An hour later, I found home. The kind with walls. Yes, there’s my theme.
I never did finish the Huachuma tale, and it leads into the pre-daddy-died moments, so let’s wrap up this Amazon trip. . .one month late, but I’ve had curve balls.
We had just finished with the Bridge of Eternity, and my beloved Huachuma had sucked me through the portal. As the sun set, so did my fears. I climbed back into the boat for the ride back to our retreat, and I talked with the earth. I apologized. I cried with her. I promised that I would be in service to her, from here on out, and not the other way. And I felt a blinding love and gratitude, internal and external and unified within. This was paradise.
Back at the lodge, the mesa awaited us. 20+ candles illuminated the three tables of offerings, but I was headed for my room. Everyone was. Drop off bags, re-group, take a few breaths. Yet as I traipsed past the central mesa, my bag dropped. My jaw followed. I felt magnetized, drawn like moth-flame, and I floated inside the maloka to be by her side. The candlelight added to the reverence. I could feel the harmonious yet conflicting energies, swirling from all sides and sucking in through my pores. I felt unworthy and yet royal. Voices – soft just-above-whispers – talked to me. They told me I was one of them. They told me I had lived many, many lives before. That I was a Mayan. That I connected with the calendar. That I was a Plaedian. That I knew all of the secrets, and could help others feel the same.
I sat down to absorb this. And Howard stepped up to the center once more.
“Those who wish to go a little deeper in, stay with me. Let’s travel.”
He had never offered this before, but a second cup was at my disposal. After two other hungry souls stepped up, I followed.
“I might have known you’d be back.”
He grinned and me and my eyes teared.
“Where else would I be, Howard?”
I took the cup and sucked down the sacred plant, wondering how far this would take me. Maybe I wouldn’t ever come back. That was the dream.
OK, there’s more, but this is a good place to pause. The final Huachuma stage will grace the next entry. For now, I must away.
