A year ago, and the years that came before, I was the day job girl. Cash money, and oodles of it, came relatively easy. I was so blessed, and I knew it. But sooner or later, I had to Realize.
The shaman blessing us at the beginning of the ceremony
I have since exited the world of identity-less 9 to 5′s, and I’m infinitely happier. And poorer. Debt rises, but so does my happiness quotient; along with my experience as a home-based freelancer.
I know what all of this is. I know, and yet I still have those racey, pulse-intesifying fearful jabs that paralyze and taunt me.
Ayahuasca led me to end the office madness, and she needs me to trust the process. And myself. Most days, most moments – I do. Debt is temporary, just like this stage I’m in, and I know I can make this new life work beyond my wildest dreams.
Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. Success is far more frightening than failure, because it’s uncharted, it’s the unknown. It’s the answer to dreams which must counter with more dreams, and for some, that’s enough to stay in the trenches, away from the limelight. Away from the treasures they deserve.
I just want to make this work. I just want to score a life of abundance by never having to sell my soul again. Days like today when I couldn’t hold my head up at noon, and instead I had a nap and a little down time in lieu of answering to bosses and screaming phone calls and pointless meetings – these are priceless. I get the work done, on my time. On my terms. There’s nothing more sacred.
I just have to keep trying. Fuck fear. I’m more afraid of a bloody day job anyway. And besides that, I have my spirit mother. Yeah, I can do this.
