My two shaman - Howard and Don Rober Acho, sitting in front of the Ayahuasca mesa
After our first ceremony in this new cycle, we were lucky enough to have some down time. We visited a local Bora tribe and learned their dances and customs, while perusing their gorgeous art and jewelry for some heavy duty shopping. Since I was a repeat visitor, I had plenty of their wares, but the lessons learned are no less sacred. It’s hard not to want what they have sometimes – absolute peace and harmony with the world. Simplicity. Communal love and support.
It got me thinking – what’s so great about individuality? It gets so goddamn lonely when you insist on being independent and headstrong. I fell into loving the notion of interdependence – standing strong as a sole soul, but reliant on the kindness of others. We can have it all.
And so I entered my tenth ceremony with absolute openness and reverence. My intention was to heal my past traumas, in a physical and emotional sense. Specifically, I asked that my heart and my reproductive organs be addressed – both have been devastated. I didn’t want to carry those burdens anymore. They just weren’t serving me.
I hadn’t forgotten that Ayahuasca hinted at a death for me, despite the fact that death didn’t exist. I loved the conundrum this generated within – the both/and philosophy. There is no black and white when you accept spiritual knowledge. Things just Are, and it’s beautiful.
We went through our usual, magnificent rituals, and I took my turn with delight. The Ayahuasca tasted for more rank and foul again; just like my memories. I sucked it down with a sour face, and grinned as I stumbled back to my rocking chair.
The worse it tastes, the more intense the experience. And that’s just the way we like it.
She didn’t take long at all to swoop back into my system. Ayahuasca always picks up where she left off – there’s never a disconnect. That’s why it feels so much like a homecoming, always. Every last session.
Immediately, as I fell into the altered state, dozens of children appeared with glowing palms. Half of the crew set to work on my heart, while the others lingered between my legs. They were absolutely illuminated, smiling from ear to ear, and consistently making eye contact with me. I kept taking deep breaths, but I didn’t resist in the least. Their hands lingered above my body parts, swirling in circles, and healing the hurt. I felt floaty and sacred, and with every hand sweep, I knew I was getting closer to Cleansed. I kept thanking them, and they would giggled and nod. Their eyes – they knew so much more than I did. I couldn’t help but marvel.
When the healings ended, I entered a cosmic looking playground. The children didn’t leave me – some stayed by my side and others appeared. Trees sprung up from every line of sight, and from them emerged dozens of slithering snakes. They were multi-colored and vibrant, and some raised up to meet my eyes. Hisses erupted, but I felt fearless. They were channeling their knowledge; I could feel it. Snakes represent the lower world, and are often a symbol of death and wisdom. Dying is a blessing. That’s what I heard.
I prepared myself for the spiral, but Ayahuasca had other plans.
The children all backed-up and formed a circle around me, still smiling and staring. Mother Ayahusca appeared, a body of gorgeous glowing eyes, with a pair of outstreched hands that cradled my cheeks.
- Are you open, child?
- I am. I am. To anything.
- Hmmm.
I felt her hesitation …
- Are you open to never having another drink of alcohol again?
I pondered this, truly, and gave a reply.
- Absolutely. I could do that if I had to.
- Are you open to having children?
My heart surged. This has never, ever been on my agenda. I vehemently express, and always have, that kids are not my bag. Why would she ask of me anything different? She responded in kind.
- I’m not saying you should have them, dear – I only ask that you be open. To anything, as you stated. If your heart isn’t open to any available path, you’ll never know what your true destiny is. We spend too much time chasing someone else’s pot of gold. I just want you to know yours.
- Then I’m open – most definitely.
- No, you’re not. Your mind is – and it’s a tricky devil. You want to be. Go into your heart and open that door.
I tried. I swooped down and felt resistance.
Ugh, I just wasn’t sure I could do this.
- Think about why you have always resisted having children.
All right, let’s go there.
I know I have always resisted my femininity – my unique blend of passive power. I am curvier than many, and that used to invoke shame. Used to, of course. But how is that tied to having kids?
Oh, there it is – yes. I was abused as a child. Not on a grand scale, for months on end, but there was serious trauma. From people other than my parents, but it didn’t matter – even though I thought it should.
- I can’t have children because they are so susceptible to unspeakable pain. I can’t let that happen to another spirit.
- You’re not in control of such things. That’s an illusion. Besides that, do you regret what happened to you?
- Not for a second. I love everything about my story. It made me. I love me.
- Precisely. So that’s not the reason. Try harder.
I dug deeper. I finally allowed myself to see me as a mother. I was luminious, adoring, protective, sincere. There was nothing wrong with this picture. So what was stopping me from letting the possibility in?
My ego, yes. I was a girl who would never be a mom. I had said it a million times – enough so I believed it. Everyone knows this. How could I go back?
I was stone cold petrified.
I leaned into my bucket and purged like mad. Shame, guilt, fear, resistance – all merged together in a liquidy release.
And I felt – fucking fantastic.
- OK, wow, I’m open. To not drinking, to having kids – whatever it is I’m here to do.
She didn’t respond. Instead, I was pushed so bloody deep into the experience I had to hold on tight to the chair, just to remember what this was. Billions of images flashed before me, at light speed – the kind of lessons and messages that only my heart could hear, and thus defies my explanation.
But I listened, and learned, and as the intensity wore off, I drifted back into my body with a newfound fearlessness. I was a dam that had suddenly been slammed open, permanently. Whatever fate awaited me, I felt zero resistance or fear. Be it motherhood or an immediate death/transition, I had open arms.
I must tell you, there is no greater sense of strength.
As the ceremony ended, I could have danced back to the room. Z and I entertwined and crawled on back, but I tabled my bliss. I could feel his darkness. His night had not been so light and magical. And so I asked the Universe to keep me strong, to tap into my healing nature, and I engulfed him in all the love I could muster. We talked for eons, and fell into a healing slumber.
Paradise. And I didn’t even have to die … yet.
