Wearing ceremonial clothing, right before ceremony #12
Going into my third ceremony of the most recent cycle – my 11th overall – I felt, for the first time ever, completely and utterly joyous. Previous ceremonies, the notable anxieties were ever-present, for diving into the infinite unknown held all kinds of What If’s. Ceremonies #2 and #7 were unbelievably painful and frightening – yet the fear of a repeat had completely dissipated. Whatever awaited, I just couldn’t wait.
We had spent more down time frolicking through the jungle, taking walks with our Shaman and spending down time in the dining hall. Z and I woke late, napped frequently, ate well, and readied ourselves. The sounds of the Amazon wooed us continually, from the manic laughter of the Kona Kona to the glorious symphony of a rain storm. Everything was in harmony.
We entered the ceremonial site at the normal time – 9 PM. The air sifted down with a pulsing heaviness, telling us the night would be monstrous and varied. It was to be the last ceremony with our amazing Shaman Don Rober; a guest Shaman would grace our presence for the final hoorah. This was not music to my ears, for I knew this guest Shaman – he was at the helm for my nightmarish ceremony #7 during my last visit. I felt so strong, however; I trusted the process. I knew I would manage. And I knew enough to just soak up this last go around with the most protective, powerful healer I had ever known.
We all drank our medicine, and the lights went out. The tiniest stream of moonlit crept in, and I saw it as a luminous sign. Something about the energies told told me massive revelations were on the horizon. Maybe even a death or two.
My visions kicked in with a vengeance in record time, and immediately, one vivid scene came into view. I saw myself, my other travelers, and a whole host of my dearest friends. We were all hovering in the skies in the lotus position; eyes closed, deep in meditation. Below us lay a gigantic, blood-filled body of water — lifeless and still. Occasionally, one of us would awaken, reach into the water, and pull out a lifeless body. We would blow a puff of breath on their faces, and suddenly, the frame would spring to life, assume the lotus stance, and join us in reverence.
A symbol for the work I was doing, I thought to myself. A metaphor for the whole wide world. Absolute poetry.
Suddenly, the tone shifted. A festive atmosphere ensued, with dancing entities and a forest of joyful animals. Before my eyes came two darling looking fairies, carrying a large goblet of red wine. I delighted, reaching out to indulge. I’m a drinker, after all – before this trip, I was drinking almost every single night, and never just one cup. Wine was the favorite. How nice of the spirits to gift me.
As I squealed and reached for my treat, one of the fairies turned ugly and evil, swooping up into my face and wagging a nasty, dicrepid finger. I immediately connected – the Spirit had requested what she had hinted at the night before; no more drinking. Could I do it?
- Not even a glass of wine with dinner? I pondered.
She answered loudly.
- Just do me this favor – no alcohol, not a single drop, for three months. Then, follow your heart from there.
I resisted a resounding yes, only because I wanted to be utterly sincere. I imagined my birthday party, sans cocktails. Nights at home with Z without a champagne toast. Parties with friends – completely sober.
- Name one good thing about alcohol, child. Just one.
- It tastes good.
I smiled mischievously and shook my head.
- No, I know that doesn’t count. OK, well, red wine has health benefits.
- Dark chocolate has more.
Touche.
I went through the gamut – it’s toxic, expensive, addictive, full of calories, and I despise the way I feel and act when truly intoxicated. Hmmm. This was getting clearer and clearer.
- You’re right. I can’t name one. All right, I’ll do it.
She must have believed me right off, because once again, I experienced a dramatic shift in tone and theme. But I had made an agreement, and I wouldn’t forget.
Sacha came to me then – my omnipotent spirit animal, the beautiful jaguar. She offered a ride on her back; something I simply cannot resist. We went running through the jungle, with acres of leaves briskly brushing my frame. I felt every muscle tense and release in her body, as mine wrapped around her back and neck. We were flying, free, and fearless.
That is, until she made a quick right turn. Suddenly, we were in a graveyard. I smelled a rat.
- Um, this sucks. Let’s go back.
She stood her ground.
That’s when the primal buzzing started. It’s a common sound for Ayahuasca takers; rather like the real sound of the energies that are constantly pulsing around us. This time, it was almost deafening — luring me forward, not letting me be ruled by my mind.
In the distance, I saw a gravestone turned over on it’s face, and on the back appeared a manhole cover. I knew this was a trick.
- I’m not going over there.
But as I said the words, in my mind, to Sacha, I felt my body breaking into a full sprint, headed to the overturned grave.
As I approached, the manhole cover magically opened for me, and although my mind continued to protest, I didn’t hesitate. I jumped into the dark opening and felt myself plummeting down an endless tunnel. Panic engulfed me. My cheeks dripped with tears and sweat. I leaned forward and purged; hard and fast, silent yet incredibly painful. Why was I suddenly being punished?
-It’s a gift, sweet girl. Surrender.
I knew I wouldn’t stop falling until I just let go, accepting whatever awaited. My biggest fear in life is being buried alive. I’ve carried this with me since childhood. Nightmares have been common, living wills a reality – and now I had to experience it. I squared my shoulders and fell into the fall.
I saw myself landing on my back in a frightening grave. The coffin was old and rotted, and I noted how the top had numerous cracks and splinters. The many pounds of dirt on top of the coffin were winning the race. I knew it was going to burst at any moment. This was my greatest fear.
- Just die, honey – it’s that easy.
I was shaking in my chair now, rocking like mad and trying to find a little peace. What a fucking nightmare. How could I go through this without losing my mind?
I had no choice, really – I saw myself back in the coffin, palms placed toward the sky, with a sly little smile. An accepting stare.
The lid caved in and I was covered in dirt. I took in a deep breath, but there was no air to suck inside; just earth. But it wasn’t painful or scary anymore – it felt liberating and exciting. Within a few moments, I drifted out of my body, swept up through the dirt, and flew back to Sacha, who waited faithfully on the outskirts.
- Geez, that was easy!
I grinned and dusted myself off. Sacha motioned for me to join her again, and I happily accepted.
She took me back to the bloody waters this time. We went down a waterfall to get there – one smattered with body parts, limbs, and human tissue. Everywhere, I smelled death. The primal buzzing pulsated and intensified. But there I was again, with my favorite people and a whole slew of beautiful strangers, meditating, floating – surviving. Ascending. I cried from the beauty of it all.
I knew the end of the ceremony was approaching, and I felt the need to bookend my night with a connection with nature. A Kona Kona perched above our maloka all night – he’s a squirrel like critter with a call that sounds like a very amused “ha ha ha”. Every time he erupts, I sourced a smile. But he had been quite for hours, and I missed him.
- Let me join him.
I asked the Spirit, and then suddenly, I found myself on a bamboo branch, gazing at the unique looking rodent. In an instant, he let out a bellowing laugh – and I knew this resounded in real life too. I jumped in my seat and let out a gasp – I hadn’t expected things to go down so lightning-fast. The Kona let me pet and nuzzle him, but then he sent me back to my chair. Don Rober had approached me in the darkness, ready to seal me up with a blessing. The tears flew down my face as he did so, and I connected with my new self. Or rather, my real self. The person I was meant to be.
