Last night, I had some crazy intense dreams.
It makes sense, as transiting Neptune is crossing my natal Moon (something that only happens a couple of times in one lifetime) – and what this means, among other tings – crazy intense dreams.
Neptune is the planet of psychic connections, astrology and mysticism, deep spirituality, drugs and body-leaving expeditions, and, of course, dreams.
The Moon is your internal self, your instincts, your inner child. So, when the two cross, the insides come racing to the surface.
The more mine flood through my pours, the more I feel an immense, deep-seeded sadness. And I’m glad for it.
The dream involved a group of friends on drugs. No one I could really decipher, but they felt very precious and adored. They were hanging out at a house I was familiar with, and I left my car parked there (a VW Jetta, my last vehicle that I named Zoe), along with my purse/wallet and a few other treasures.
I took off on some night time journey with another dear female friend – again, no one I can tangibly recognize, but I loved her. I trusted her.
When we returned from the trip, my car and all my belongings had been stolen. Yet, my friends were still in the other room, high as a kite and totally oblivious.
I realized my cell phone was among the stolen items, so I borrowed someone else’s and dialed the number.
Right away, a bizarre and needy sounding male answered. I asked if Michael was there, intentionally lying about who I was looking for. He said no, but we leapt into a deep conversation. He went on and on about his own loneliness, and how he had just stolen a ton of things to fill a void. I cried with him. I totally knew that feeling.
“I fill my voids up with food,” I told him. “I used to do drugs. But now, to shut-down, I’m back to what I always did before – eat.”
“That’s better than stealing,” he told me. But I didn’t agree.
Nor did I ask for my things back.
What I remember most about the dream – my anger. I’m not really an angry person – I can’t hold a grudge past 5 minutes. I rarely feel this emotion. But in my dream, I was overcome with rage and disappointment. Not at the man who stole my stupid things, but at the vapid, disconnected group of friends that partied away and didn’t give a damn about my condition.
It’s ridiculous, really, that I would be so upset about something so meaningless, but I see the poetry of it. I was processing anger I still hold for myself. I don’t mind in the least what the people around me do to escape and cope – I wouldn’t dare pass judgment when I myself have done so much to hide. I realized, in retrospect, that I’m so mad at myself for wasting so much time. Television, alcohol, ecstasy, food – everything I use to avoid my emotions. Now, in my enlightened moments, I know that none of this has been a waste. That all of it is a treasure and I shouldn’t resist a thing. But there’s so much pain around this. I haven’t processed the pain that I’m attempting to gloss over when I escape to these indulgences, and that’s what I felt the dream revealed.
It means I’m ready for another trip to the Amazon. I read another blog today about Ayahuasca from a woman I met on my first trip to the jungle. She means the world to me, as our story is just so freaking awesome. We didn’t talk much during our face time down there – and for good reason. My then boyfriend was gearing up to become her boyfriend, and though we weren’t exactly privy to the details, we felt the need to keep our distance.
Later on, she shared the truth with me, and I loved her for it immediately. We had a pretty massive shared bond, because no one in my life outside of her knows what it was like to love him. We haven’t seen each other since, but she is my shamanic sister – eternally. Today, she talked about how Ayahuasca reveals the parts of us that aim to be destructive. It’s so incredibly true, and I know this is the heart of the dream. I’m ready for my next cleansing – for my next cycle with the healing plants. I’ll have to wait a few more months, but I know it’ll be here at exactly the right moment. I’m just so, so happy to have found my healing track, and to have so many luminous people who continue to light the way.
Time to shed these tears and tuck in for another tumultuous dream journey. Stay tuned.
