I have really outstanding life-affirming everything’s going to be OK news.
But first, I have to fall apart.
It’s a freak fest of wind and wildness outside my Vegas walls, and that about sums up the stirrings on the insides. Yesterday, I was cloudwalking. Today, I’m nosediving into a perilous, seductive little spiral. I have a throat/nose infection that festers in all the right ways, tinging up pain through every breathing cavity and making me wallow in its self-consuming nature. I’m finding it achingly hard to handle the day to days – annoyed as all hell HOA approvals for my woefully in-need-of-landscaping yard, the endless pile up of house expenses, demands from all sides (mostly from within), sky high expectations, and ten too many irons in the fire.
What I want to do, in my heart of hearts?
Well, besides cry (which I will, when it’s time – apparently it’s not.)
Pull down the shades, turn off the phones, yank out every power chord, grab Boo, and just Be. Lay on the couch and listen to the gorgeous sound of nothingness. Meditate until I fucking float away.
I’m taking on a hell of a lot of pain – to process, to release. I’m feeling similar dives from others. I contacted someone I swore I’d never speak to again because he called to me – and the Universe requested I send love. Tangibly. I obliged, as weird as it was – without thinking. Doing good outward did good inward – a little pressure relieved. A tiny phfffft of relaxation.
But really, I don’t know what to make of it all.
Hmm. You know. That’s a lie.
I think I’m suffering from self-abuse. Like the whole lot of us. I have been pretty awful to myself lately. I’ll spare you the gory details, but it’s no surprise I’m infected and flailing. Why why why I haven’t reached the point of true unabashed oh my god I LOVE MYSELF state yet – that’s the million dollar question.
Why haven’t we all? What in the bloody hell is stopping us?
Which brings me to my good news. I will not be stopped in this quest – not a chance. I’m going back to the Amazon. It’s 100% on, official, happening . May 24th, I’ll be on a plane returning to my jungle home. I am in serious need of another round of healing. I can’t heal the world until I keep on healin’ my crazy self. Two steps back, one giant leap forward. And that is everything to me – enough to mend the broken pieces, enough to release the floodgates, enough to give me all the faith in the world that we will transcend this madness.
