The last time I spilled a few truths on this screen – was it a lifetime ago? – I rambled on about the warnings I’d been receiving from the masses. Strange little psychic twinges unrelated friends/acquaintances had shared with me. I listened. And they were right.
Physically, I haven’t known a single threat. For that, I say thank you.
Emotionally, yeah, you could say there’s been a war or two.
There’s this thing about a book. I have had a contract for publication in progress now for the better part of 2 years. That may be over. There are lawsuits waging, horrendous accusations, and more than a few unkind words for me, one of the very few unwilling to blame anyone else but myself. Blame isn’t the right word. I’m not angry if this falls through, nor am I looking for a scapegoat. It’s all about the journey.
That’s not to say my heart didn’t crack wide open when I heard the news. It’s not official – the company is still trying desperately to prevail – but I can’t say it looks good. Maybe it never did. My rose-colored glasses are sometimes not see-through. I know this, but I also don’t know any other way to be.
I’ve already grown accustomed with the idea that my book may not be published how and when I thought it would. My heart breaks every time I think of it, still, but I can smile about it. I can believe there’s either another way, or a message in there that maybe that’s not the end goal. Doesn’t matter, I’ll just keep writing.
I’ve also been called to honor my duality in ways I never imagined these past weeks as well. See, I grew up most of my life relishing my darkness, unafraid of her depths, and admittedly indulged in the dark hours way too much. I took substances – any substance, really – to dull my senses and help me wallow more. All that is gone now, the obsession and escapist side, but what I realized is that I tried to dishonor that half of me – wish her out of existence.
It’s just not possible. How dare I think half of me had to go away.
When I was last in Peru, I went to a place called El Brujo, the site of human sacrifices during the mochi tribe. They killed some of their strongest as a gift to the gods, so they could be spared the wrath of El Nino. I came to completely and totally understand not only the necessity, but the beauty of these actions. I also came to know that no matter how much it tried to seduce me, I myself would never succumb to the allure of ultimate power and darkness. I could walk to the edge, however often I chose, to observe and witness and Know. But I would never go too far. Not because of some insane brute strength, but because of my goodness. We all have it, but I got to see mine. Indisputable.
I thought when I left that vortex, those sacred grounds, I could cast of the darkness and just revel in the light.
See, I still have so much to learn.
As a Gemini and a human, I walk in contradiction every day. I’m finished denying the parts of me that don’t look the way others feel they should – myself included. I will simply love. Myself, the god-realizeds and the murderers alike. No more resistance.
Life is changing. In a big, big way. All I can do is receive as best I know, and not let the judgments land. Listen as best I can, but never let it sway the inner voice.
Sounds simple enough, yes? I just wonder where it will take me next . . .
