Me and the Man
A couple of nights ago, if you read the goings on in these parts, you know things got a little ugly. A lot ugly. So ugly I holed myself up in my closet, pounded my head against a wall, and screamed obscenities about myself into a pillow. Ah, yeah. We’re past that now. Mostly.
The million dollar question remained – why? Where on earth did this hateful download come from? Well, as with anything, I sourced it, wished for it, willed it out and wallowed in it. Just a couple of days prior, I had asked the Guru to help me heal the next layer. And my dear friend and ashram partner is headed out here on Thursday to do energy /healing sessions on myself and my friends. I’m also leaving in a month for the next trip to Peru. Healing is the theme right now. So it stands to reason more darkness would want to escape.
A lot of us spend a good chunk of our lives trying to self-destruct. Some never stop trying and fully succeed. I came close – dangerously close once, and right on the edge countless times – so I guess it makes sense that I still need to address that hateful side of me. Z pointed this out beautifully last night – that I’m finally in a space to feel that which I worked hard to avoid for years and years and years. I’m finally strong enough to face this head on and let it out already.
I am not that dark, wallowing, suicidal little creature I once was. Staring at my eyes in a mirror, tripping on drugs, wondering where I was, who I was, and how much longer I would survive. I used to give myself 25 years tops. It’s hard to believe I was so hell bent on destroying that which I hold sacred above all else now – life.
I am of the light, and I will stay that way throughout this lifetime and beyond. What I need more of is acceptance, compassion, and patience – so that I can take the time to have these breakdowns and not be so full of resistance and judgment.
You know, today’s big news story was that Oprah admitted to being 200 pounds again. Here she is, the richest, most powerful woman in media, and do you think she looks in the mirror and smiles most days? Do you think all her money and influence lightens her spirit and makes her love her thickening frame? Quite the contrary, I’m sure – she clearly thinks she’s broken. That she’s done something wrong. When all she needs to do is heal the reason she keeps gaining weight – and then starving herself to lose it. I know, I do the exact same thing. I’ve vacillated between 130 and 200 pounds my whole adult life. Right now, I’m smack dab in the middle – not a comfortable place, but one I have to own with all sincerity. I’m still not getting it. I’m still not treating my body like a gift. I’m still taking out rage and pain on the outsides, and it shows. Just like Oprah. Man, sometimes things are so simple, and so heart-wrenchingly hard at the same time.
All I know is, I won’t stop trying. I will listen to my heart when she breaks. I will listen to my body when she protests the abuse and asks for a more loving connection. I will listen to the Universe when she asks me to give it all up and follow Her. I’m not living for myself, I’m living for the central source that keeps us all unified. I guess I should just look forward to the next meltdown – there are so many gifts and lessons that follow every one.
My favorite gift from this one – last night’s meditation. I closed my eyes and focused on merging with the central source of light and love, and I reached it, if only for a few minutes. I felt the reciprocal love of all my closest friends and family. And then I felt the incredible, indescribable connection I have to my soulmate, my Z. A true angel – and I mean that literally. Someone who never gave up on me, even when I had given up on him. I broke down in the happiest tears last night, just feeling Love. Just feeling how open my heart is – that special piece that is all his, and all the rest of my gorgeous connections too. I’d go through a million meltdowns for moments like those.
“She’s been everybody else’s girl,
Maybe one day she’ll be her own.”
Ms. Tori A
