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Before the healing confessions continue in full force, I have to just admit something else. A little truth-whisper that’s been dancing in my subconscious for weeks now, waiting for me to say hello and acknowledge her.
Last night, in the midst of my stoic silence in honor of the Guru’s birthday, in an effort to connect with my friend-family as they celebrate, I lay in the bathtub and had a cleansing epiphany. I’m not meant to go to Peru next month.
I write the words and yeah, they sting so badly I’m sitting here in a flood of tears. I thought so strongly that it was time to go back and have a Journey, to partake in five more Huachuma ceremonies and step through more unknown portals, to know more of myself, the spirit world, and the symphony of secrets. It’s true, I’ve been hesitant lately, but I figured that was because the trip is so costly and funds are so low. But I would find a way. I always find a way. And I did. Tomorrow’s payday would cover the cost. I scraped it out, I dug my way through – only to find that no, this is not what the universe has in store. That’s what my heart is telling me, and I can’t ignore her. I can’t, or I’ll create a nightmarish trip. Something I really don’t need to go through. There’s another blessing that I must claim.
I accept. I really, really do. Despite the ways in which I have woven my identity inside the shamanic rituals, I also know that I am not just a shaman during the days I am drinking the plants. Every day now, it seems something of the other side calls to me, something transpires to ignite the other-wordly nature. My favorite moments to be sure. But I am craving more of those experiences, more chances to dive deep and listen to the plants’ wisdom. I trust that they will come. And soon. I trust that this sacrifice will open the doors to even greater blessings. Yet that doesn’t stop the depression wave from knocking me flat.
The what goes up scenario is true for me these last twenty-four. Understandable. I had a huge skyrocket-to-the-top weekend, my biggest yet, so of course the dust must settle. The house felt so empty and alone last night, the energies having been cleaned out by Felix the housekeeper earlier that day. I wish he’d left a thread or two so I could do more than remember. So fast, so fast can we dive from heart to head. Since that’s true, I will do all I can to slip back out of this head-space. This is not where I want to be.
I must write the shaman and tell him – I’m sorry. So devastatingly sorry. I won’t be there I can’t be there I so badly want to be there.
I can’t say I understand this. I can’t say there’s not resistance. I’m confused and sad and angry. I’d like to curl up in bed and cry for a while, gazing out the window at the surreal snowfall. Scream my protests, process the wave of darkness, and patter back out into the waiting life. Not so lucky. The default world is calling, and it isn’t leading me to Peru.
This is actually very common. As one develops their shamanic skills, their need for the medicine (plants) often fads away until they no longer need it to be able to access those states and abilities.
And true regarding going from the heart space to the head space. This is something I have been working on a while through the Ayahuasca ceremonies. That and not getting my energies too crossed up when I re-enter the so called “real world”. Luckily, through much purging and divine knowledge, I seem to be making progress.
peace,
Keith