Down in a Hole, from www.myspace.com/rippedcloth
Yeah, it’s been a while. A long while. A too-long while. Can’t blame the holidaze, as that would be a copout. What I can blame is a serious case of love-in, non-love-out. I fairly much lost my mind two weeks ago, and I’m only now feeling my chi balancing again.
It’s proof that no matter how much work you do on yourself, there’s always an infinite amount waiting to be conquered. And no one is ever, ever immune to a serious crash.
I still have so much to say about the healings I received last month, but I’ll get there in due time. It’s pretty crazy to unearth tangible, integral parts of your identity that have been repressed your entire life – makes me wonder what else is lurking inside of me. Other pieces that I just haven’t been introduced to yet. I doubt any will be as big as the recent uncoverings, but then again, I never saw any of this coming. How could I? They don’t call it repression because it’s in any way obvious.
Back to the hole. It started in New Orleans. Mom and I went there to spend Christmas, in an effort to create a different tradition since Daddy has died. It’s no fun opening presents without him there, carrying around the bag of trash for bows, boxes, and paper, peering down at me while I ripped open each treat, saying things like “What’dyaget, Teen?” and making me feel like a princess. With that gone, new adventures were needed. Mom just wanted to go somewhere – anywhere – so I chose Nawlins. She had never been there – this was my third visit. I love the place. It’s enchanting. It’s vibrant, alive, unique, and distracting. All things we desperately needed.
The stay was lovely. Truly. The Arts District hotel had a gorgeous vibe, very quiet but just a stone’s throw from the action of the French Quarter. We toured the various neighborhoods, visited haunted sites, saw the cemeteries, ate like royalty, went to jazz brunches and gospel lunches, and bonded. But I made a major snafu. I neglected to do any of my invocations and protections – things I do religiously at home, now that I am so damn susceptible to any / all energies – but for some reason I felt it wasn’t necessary. I was on vacation, right? But man, that city is crawling with the undead, with all kinds of dark entities – things that like to hitch-hike and suck out a little light. I exposed myself, knowingly. I think in part I did it on purpose. It’s been awhile since I’ve punished myself. Apparently I missed the process.
The only thing “bad” about the trip centered around the emotions I started feeling about my family. I have four siblings, and I don’t talk to any of them. We’re not enemies, really, we just don’t have any common ground. They all have relationships – their children hang out, they spend vacations together – but I’m not included. That’s OK, most of the time. They share religion and politics and world views. I’m the eccentric shaman. I’m the one who “does drugs to talk to God.” Who has chosen to live alone and not have a family, and who’s affiliated with an ashram and a guru. So, you know, it’s hard to feel connected.
And yet, I do. I love them so incredibly much. They all called Mom at different times during the trip, and while they each knew I sat right beside her for all of the conversations, not one wanted to say a a word to me. And if I’m being honest, the feeling was mutual. But it still fucking hurts. That I should have a beautiful big sister, and yet not share a thing about myself with her. That I should have a brother I once thought was my soulmate, but since my father’s death we can barely share an email together. It’s just the way it goes right now, and I’m not sure it’ll ever change.
This, and many more unforeseen emotional embers, sent me into a spiral on the way home. Then came a phone call to my boyfriend in the ashram, and the house of cards wouldn’t just tumble, it would totally disintegrate.
To be continued. . .
“Down in a hole and I don’t know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don’t understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be”
- Alice in Chains
