From : www.itsf.org/brochure/solarsail.html
So the holiday trip to New Orleans stirred up all kinds of emotional issues. Time with family will do such things. But it’s the phone call to Boyfriend Z that really kicked my downward spiral into high gear.
Z and many of the other ashram members had taken part in a multi-day vision quest with the Guru – and as it turns out, many magical moments unfolded. Z talked for over an hour on the phone with me, revealing these absolutely astonishing occurrences, as I raced through the airport and rode home with Mom. Normally, I delight in hearing about the divine goings-on in my second home, but something horrendous was happening to my pain body as Z spoke of the miracles. I felt fierce anger, a huge sense of betrayal – wondering why I had been on a frivolous trip to a haunted locale when I should have been sharing in these heart-openings. I was feeling shutdown, abandoned, neglected and filling up with self-hatred, while my boyfriend got closer to the source.
Maybe he would expand beyond me. I could feel that happening. I could feel that I deserved that. I was a coward, after all – someone who accepted the Guru + ashram, but didn’t actually live there. Can’t be too close to the fire. I’m still willful enough to have it my way. . .at a distance.
But in those moments, I didn’t want the goddamn distance. I wanted closeness, love, acceptance. . .all things I wasn’t feeling from my family. Save Mom, but in so many ways, she barely knows me. That’s my fault, of course, but it still stung in those moments. Enough to send me reeling down to the bottom.
I stayed there for two days, despite pep talks from loved ones. Z and the Healer especially, but I fairly much just stayed in bed with Boo and Yogi and sulked. Cried hysterically. Wondered why I hated myself so much.
I had a commitment to fulfill though – I had promised to be at the ashram for New Year’s Eve. Despite my deep depression, despite a high fever and a general feeling of throwing in the towel, I got on the plane that afternoon. Z had promised to be waiting with open arms, and the image drew me in. Getting a long hug / kiss. Seeing my soul-family. Spending time in the home of the Guru, hearing about the new year, getting sourced again. That felt. . .exactly like what I needed.
By the time the plane landed, however, I had totally hit rock bottom. The man next to me was seething with negative energy, and I let that affect me too. I let it all in. To compound it all, my attachment did not transpire – Z was late, and when he did finally arrive, he didn’t even get out of the car to greet me. Not really a bad infraction on a normal day, but it broke my heart. I needed those arms. Instead of admitting all of this, of looking into his eyes and telling him how much I hurt, and what I needed, I just decided to shut him out. Totally and completely.
The conversation did not go well, obviously. There really wasn’t much of one. Things were said that triggered my pain all the more, and I finally snapped. I told him I wanted to go back to the airport and just go home. And it was true. My flight reflex had kicked in – I had to get out of Dodge. Z, of course, wasn’t having it. I’m not sure he knew how serious I was then, but I decided to keep that secret when I realized how much he would resist.
When we went back to his place, and nothing improved. I saw Healer, and although he tried to soothe me, I wouldn’t let anything land. Not Z’s love / touch. Not the wisdom and support of my friends. I didn’t give a damn My mind had told me I was too toxic, I didn’t deserve to “be in the presence of kings”, and so I planned my escape. I called a cab, changed my flight, and ran home.
It was an effort, hell yes. Planes were delayed and overbooked. Everyone wanted to get to Vegas to celebrate the holiday. I just wanted to go home and cry.
Which I did, eventually. I knew I had left behind Z, Healer, Sage and Sis – plus all the others that would have helped me through the darkness. But I wanted to suffer alone, to wallow, to punish myself. Something I really, really hope I never do again. It represented my fear. My refusal to be vulnerable and authentic. The belief I still carry that I’m not worthy.
I was in bed when the clock struck midnight. Right where I felt I deserved to be.
Later, I found out the Guru has named our year the Year of Acceleration. How fitting, then, that I spent the beginning of mine busting through my self-loathing, purging a mountain of pain and resistance. I got through it quickly – that’s the good news. Just a few days later, I pulled myself out of the negativities, thanks to the wisdom and love of Z. And today – today I’m on top of the world. Absolutely amazing things are transpiring. More shamanic adventures are on the horizon. More beautiful people have revealed themselves to me here in Vegas. It feels like a great momentum is in the air, a great time to heal and be healed.
I’m just glad to be out of the self-imposed nightmarish funk. As Best Friend would say – breakdown, breakthrough.
“I cry out to God seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I’ve created my own prison”
- Creed
