Take to the Sky
It’s a topic I’ve typed out a thousand times or more – truth-talk. The definition of truth. My own personal journey with uncovering what’s Real. Even my first novel encompasses this theme, and I recognize this to be one of my biggest lessons in this embodiment. I am so hungry for the integration of self-realization, so devoted to this unraveling, that I am absolutely positive I will come to know Her. And myself.
For now, though, there are still some shadowy spaces inside the internal layers. I had a cracking open of sorts last night during a chat with Healer – a magnificent shift from head to heart-space occurred, just through his gently inquisitive nature. Sometimes all it takes is the “What are you FEELING?” nudge, and I’m suddenly aware of who I am again. I am floored by how much I resist the emotional self sometimes. Trust me, if I could think my way to enlightenment, I’d do it in an instance. I’d be there already. Yet I know that the uncharted spaces within me – essentially, the truest parts of all – lie in my emotional body, and they hold the keys to the kingdom.
I am dedicated to knowing my authentic self, and in that, I have to go deeper into the emotional process. At the same time, I refuse to dwell on any of the negatives – as Orion has said to me, haven’t we suffered enough? That’s absolutely the case. There will be no wallowing in the woe-is-me space, there will be no negative indulgences into the old victim paradigm. At the same time, sadness flows through me. Anger is often the primary emotion. And if I don’t lock and load on these waves, and release them, I won’t just halt my ascension, I’ll reverse all the beautiful healing work I’ve already taken on.
I have been reminded many times in my life how well I can process physical pain. To be perfectly honest, I can even achieve enjoyment from some forms (tattoos, for example, feel absolutely cosmic.) At the very moment a physically painful experience triggers in my sensory field, I am immediately faced with a conscious choice – how do you want to receive this? I do very well with choosing grace. Choosing bliss, instead of resistance. Falling into the pain, saying hello, and naming her Love instead. I don’t see why these same principles can’t be applied into the emotional realm. I will certainly not attempt to distort whatever emotions are uncovered, but I’m determined to become a vessel of transference. To go deep, acknowledge the fear, or the rage, and let it flow. Honor it’s presence and origin. But to do so quickly, and to flip it into a state of graceful gratitude. To smile through the tears, knowing the willingness to go there brings me closer to the sun. Closer to being a healer myself.
Ayahuasca is on the horizon – just three weeks away. She taught me this lesson years ago. I remember the third ceremony, learning about letting go of resistance. I got so good at surrendering to my divinity in those hours, the purge I was blessed to experience (which was a release of some self-loathing I had been carrying for eons) didn’t cause one muscle in my body to tense up. I succeeded in physically releasing a huge dose of negative energies without so much as an eyelash bat. It felt absolutely mind-blowingly beautiful. I realized my power in that instance – that there was no such thing as a negative emotion, if I just trusted the process and focused on love.
It feels good to remember.
