Drop the Masks Already
I’m ready to admit that I am light years away from outsmarting my ego. I am also realizing, more and more, that this quest for authenticity is a bigger game than I could have ever realized. I know the lines I write in this public space aren’t always the absolute truth. Whatever that is. I try so hard to channel the real higher-self as I dive into these outpourings, to honor the process, the audience, the involved parties, and myself – and I fail. A lot.
Failure is a bit harsh. I don’t always strike the truest-of-true chords. What that means is a tad bit veiled, something I’m sorting out as I try and understand my motivations.
In less abstract terms, I’m struggling with blogging in general. There was even the possibility that this would cease for a spell – but I couldn’t bring myself to turn my back on years of process, layer-peeling, and connections with the eyeballs that grace me with an audience.
This is dangerous, I know, because there’s clearly a part of me that oh-so-strongly identifies with blogging. Any hardcore identity marker like that raises up a red flag. I wonder – what part of me needs / wants this so badly? Is it the higher self, sincerely seeking a positive outlet to find more of herself? Or is it the ego, seeking attention and validation so she can continue the mad little tango? I think the answer is – Yes.
All I know is, I’m being unraveled. Dismantled, piece by piece, so I can be divinely thrown together again without all this distortion. Healer asked me the other day – what is it that you want? And I just said – to be authentic. To know all of myself. To stop playing these wretched games, hiding from my emotional core, putting on a dog and pony show for the whole wide world while the real tasks at hand get painfully ignored. There is a little terror in there about how and what this will look like, but it’s a small dose. Mostly, I’m all tingly and excited for this process. I have been loving it to pieces thus far. Even in the drama I relay – the parts I guess I like best because they make for better stories. That’s an ego-based desire, so I’m making a commitment to not dwell on all the hooplah around the transformations that I’m feeling, and instead honor the results a lot more.
My results today are beautiful. I look around at the relationships I have, and I know that in part, I’m getting it. I can love others in a fashion so much deeper than before. I am more and more comfortable placing all parts of me together in an integrated whole – the ashram dweller, the intellectual, the playful kitten, the heart-spaced Friend. Not reserving one piece for each person I encounter, but giving them the whole enchilada, without fear or expectations. Ok, so it’s not that smooth and flow-y yet, but I’m definitely, definitely getting there. I know more love in my life now than I ever have before. And that is the path I am on, plain and simple. To be more love, in every moment. And to speak the truth, and nothing but.
