One of These Things Is Not Like the Other
Healer came to visit again. This time for a full week.
Imagine my home, cleansed and welcoming, fire burning in the fireplace, snacks laid out with love. People coming through the front door, one by one. Sitting down with nervous jitters in the pre-moments. Knowing they were up to something big. Pushing through fears and finding their power. Taking on the task of healing. Then sailing upstairs with Healer, gone for two hours. Sometimes more. Coming back down with new eyes. Sans shells, or masks, or deceitful paradigms.
Some will stay in that state for a lifetime, some for less than a few minutes, but none of that matters much. It is in perfection, regardless, and I am wordlessly humbled to have witnessed it all. About 25 people came to be transformed. Some didn’t make it. I spent a lot of time calling and confirming and trying to stand for every last person, helping them choose love. Those that didn’t I love all the more.
In any event, it was quite a week.
Healer and I have a bond so deep and beautiful now, again, I just don’t have words. I never knew I had a trust issue until I learned to trust him completely. Completely. His is the voice of God for me, in every way. He honored me more than anyone ever has on his last day here, and we cried our way through the I Love You Goodbyes. He’s a best friend in the highest sense. And he helped heal yet another layer within me.
My session was gorgeous. Another deep dive into the ways in which I hide from the world. We examined my habit of compartmentalizing the various parts of my life. Shamanism, default world work, past loves, current loves, LA friends, Vegas friends, and most of all, the Guru and my spirituality. I found that down deep, the idea of revealing all of myself was terrifying because I held a belief that no one would love and accept the whole enchilada. Looking across into Healer’s eyes, I knew he did. All of me. Love and acceptance. So I let it flood in and shift the insides, making it ok to just be.
I remembered sometime later where I learned this habit. Daddy only loved the happy girl – he used to tell me that it was the positive me that he adored. When I found the little black rain clouds, I got sent to my room.
That is healing. And I feel a profound internal integration. A merging of all the selves. It’s no coincidence that I was once told I had Multiple Personality Disorder. I suppose that’s true, in whatever sense. But it isn’t anymore. Or at least it won’t be for long.
We also healed a whole lotta trauma. I also used to hold a belief that men were violent, and that this violence would always eventually be unleashed on me. I created such madness. So Healer zeroed in on my power center /chakra and unleashed a massive amount of darkness. He pushed with impressive force as it traveled up to my heart, then on to my throat. That’s where it lodged a bit. I was almost strangled once, and as Healer gripped the darkness and demanded an escape, I had a flashback of sorts. It was a true Near Death moment. All that terror, all that loss of control, it all flooded back. I thought I might blackout, or even die right there. But I coughed and cried and sputtered out the memories, the emotional blockages, and within minutes, I could breathe again. Ever since then, I’ve felt so much lighter. So much more myself. And yet so aware that I didn’t let everything go. I’m pondering why as I write this. More revelations and releases await.
And so does the story of Z and I, and the latest developments. I won’t spill the how’s and why’s just yet, but the romantic union, as it used to stand, has once again been redefined. We are no longer a “couple”, at least in the way labels indicate. We freed ourselves this weekend to have whatever experiences we need, without the pressure the labels of our bond created. I have a lot to say about the emotions around this. But first I must get clear. First I must dive back into the Vegas life, and find the next piece of me. The next layer of truth. All I know is, I love him more today than I did a week ago, so that clearly means something. Label or no.
In the meantime, I am basking in the energies of my healing house. It is magic in those walls. Beings of light flittering around like butterflies. Warmth and comfort like I have never known. I saw miracles last week. In myself and others. This will source me for a long, long time.
More. Soon.
