I Say Meow To You
Today, I am my emotions. I am the fear I hide from, the jealousy I try so hard to deny, the undeniable surge of sadness that so often goes nameless within. At the same time, I am blissful to release and honor these waves. I sit here in complete lethargy, locked into a frozen state, nearly tearful from all the many layers that are unfolding. And while the urge to sob is so visceral, and will likely transpire this evening, I still feel a wide, welcoming grin deep in my core. Feeling is healing, and in that, there is nothing to fear or resist. Yeah, I’m learning.
There’s a lot going on in my world. Specifically, within my heart. For now, I must leave the details under the rug and honor the beautiful souls who are entangled. Someday soon, I’ll probably be able to share. Which is exciting, because maybe I’ll know how the story goes then – at least the next chapter.
The not knowing is such a gorgeous place to be. I have done all I can do to be in integrity with my emotions, save one last major step. That will occur this evening. After that, I sit back and receive. The Universe has my back. She always does. I trust implicitly that whatever transpires is, without a doubt, for my highest good, and that of everyone involved. I feel my soul talking to me today, verbalizing the contract that is already in place with these people, reassuring me that it’s happening according to plan. Which means I needn’t worry. And although I *feel* so, so much today – very, very little of what I can name is full-on fear. It’s more like curiosity, a little anxiety, and so, so much gratitude.
Ayahuasca is in 11 days. I can’t really grasp what that means, as trips with her absolutely encapsulate the great unknown. I received a message two nights ago, however, that gave me a taste of what I’ll be experiencing. We’re going dark, we’re going deep, and yet I have been emphatically reassured that I am protected. The safest I’ve ever been. It’s like my shamanic work begins next week – the 22 ceremonies to date have been my true master cleanse. Those, along with the 6 sessions with Healer, and all the time spent with Guru, Enlightened Friend (EF), and Enlightened Teacher (ET). How blessed can one person be? I am literally gifted with so many highly evolved beings, fully dedicated to helping me ascend. I have three shamans that are teaching me about my own shamanic past and future. I have astoundingly deep and meaningful relationships. I know more love in most days now than I knew in entire years during my youth.
So yes, the painbody is yapping manically, but I love that she’s alive and feeling. There’s such passion in my life these days, such a strong tie to living, I refuse to repress and deny the tough emotions. I love that there’s so much at stake in my world, that I’m living and loving in an all-out fashion. No more playing it safe. I honor these emotional ethers, and I’m jazzed for the next unfolding. Oh, how I love driving without a steering wheel.
