This is so long overdue it full-on frightens me. I’m in healer crossover, having lagged on logging the latest Ayahuasca lessons, and here I am mid-week with energy Healer’s latest visit.
Both are throwing me hoops, and suddenly, I have two left feet.
First, the now.
It’s messy. I can’t look at the internal tapestry and claim anything but scattered energies. It’s not quite the manic mess of Jackson Polluck; more akin to an angular, way too cerebral Kandinsky. Abstract, yet full of quiet rage, with portals a plenty to fall into.
Regarding Orion and Hijo, it’s as if things change every day. They are my bright lights, however, as O and I have managed to maneuver deeper into our bond and mutual dedication with every universal curve ball. There have been. . . .so many. Severe drama with his ex-wife, Hijo’s mom, and an ever-changing grip on what might be our near term destiny. All we know is, it will involve us moving in together. *That* makes me luminous. In every respect, it feels right. I know part of the current turmoil is a simple reflection of the way my life feels a bit unsettled. Finding the new Home with the true Love would certainly assist, but I’m not waiting another month to get my strength and clarity back.
Which is why I’m here. To sort through the symphony of egoic protests, and find the quiet whispers of truth beneath the piercing echoes.
I haven’t been feeling much and it’s catching up to me – I’m like the bridge dweller who suddenly hears the train and takes off for a cat and mouse game. Only I’d really like to get run over already – get me into the space where I’m not avoiding anymore. The resistance to feeling is showing up in little ways throughout my life – a brand new car that spent the first night in the shop, no access to my mailbox because of a lost key, little work mistakes and overall brain misfires. Plus, I’ve not been genuinely happy. Which is simply not the norm. So it’s time to get to work.
Which brings me to mother Aya. Part 2 of journey 17.
I brought you to the point of what I called my Brink – deeply into the meditative state with the first drink fully merged in my cellular being. The attendant, beautiful D2, came to me with an inquiry – would I like more of the medicine?
I had no business – none – taking more. I could barely even process the offer, barely even walk up to the altar. But I made it there, lifted and blessed by my plant spirits, and besides that, my head reminded me of D1′s promise – seconds are always just a little “bump”. An extra boost to carry me along.
He poured this small sip into the glass, but then pulled back suddenly and read my energies. Then he smiled a wide, mischievious grin, and poured an even larger amount than I took the first time around. A full dose, in the truest sense. My hands shook as I gulped it down, then I floated back to my spot and hunkered down.
It wasn’t quite fear that came to me then, but a close friend of hers for sure. Nervous twitches, an immense inability to sit still – my body absolutely shook with energy and emotion. I couldn’t stop the trembling, but I wasn’t attached to it either. I let my beautiful body shake, resisting the urge to wail like a banshee, and just flowed with the process.
Visions surfaced, but I placed them down in the corner of my mind’s eye and instead focused on what I felt. The ego voice screamed up a storm – yet I barely remember her words. She knew she was almost silenced. And when I realized how close I was to separating from her – the childish, anxiety-ridden little mind-space, I went full throttle.
My body followed suit. I started experiencing a few of the physical “ego-loss” symptoms. Sweating and shaking. Chest pains. The feeling that my head was being pummeled by an axe.
It. Was. Awesome.
Right about then, I really owned how uncomfortable I my body felt. I had been freezing all night, which is partly to blame for my violent shaking episodes. My lips were horribly chapped, and I felt a terrible cold coming on strong in my throat and sinuses. I knew I had a fever. I also knew the desert had come to dwell in my throat chakra as well – I was fiercely dehydrated.
All the while, I knew three things – there was a blanket RIGHT beside me, lip balm in my pocket, and a big ole water bottle to my right.
I touched none of these things. I did nothing to comfort myself. I was too afraid my movements would disturb my fellow journeyers. Nevermind that the room was a cacophony of purging. I truly felt the metallic sound of my lip balm might throw off someone’s groove. And I couldn’t do *that*. I couldn’t serve myself.
Oh, how that shows up all over my world – or at least, it used to. I love the micro-metaphors.
And so I dwelt in my minimalistic state. Just being – however harsh the current existence felt. I focused, instead, on leaving my ego. And as I did. . .
I lost myself. Or at least, the limiting view I once had of who I was. The identity fell away.
Suddenly, I was nameless. I didn’t have a story. I looked around the room with curiosity, only knowing that I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t know what the heck I was doing. I still felt all the physical drama my body kept pouring out, but that didn’t matter much either. Nothing did. I just moved with the music the Shaman played, and refused to feel anything but neutrality. There was even a little bit of bliss, connecting with my not-knowingness, and loving the fact that – I didn’t care. It was ok to lose myself.
I had asked for this.
About 15 minutes in, however, I started to feel the panic. The shaman had let us dwell in silence for a few minutes by then, and that’s part of what disoriented me – no music to get lost in. No songs to sing me through the beautiful nothingness.
And just as I felt myself rise up in true fear, there was D1, the omniscient shaman – he knelt before me like a yogi, and grabbed my forehead, placing it against mine.
We breathed in together, a few intensely deep, shaky breaths, and I heard him send me the message I needed to hear.
- You are Kitty. You’re at home. In Vegas. With people you love. You’re a shaman, a healer, a mother, a queen. You are all of these things, and none of these things. You are safe.
All of which I knew to be, unequivocally, true.
I felt so freed and connected then, I fell back against the wall with a radiant glow. My right hand independently reached out for a gift, and I immediately found the blanket I had placed there before the journey began. I wrapped the fuzzy fabric around my shaking frame and felt cocooned. I felt the love I had for myself, at last.
I also felt the need to purge. Oh yes, the next phase had begun.
More soon. . . I leave you with a quote that’s been in my mind all morning. . .
“And thanks for
the trouble you took
from her eyes. . .
I thought it was there
for good
so I never tried.”
- My beloved Leonard Cohen
Oh how I hope to see him in Denver. . . .
Thank you so much for sharing your journeys Kitty. It is really serving me right now. I am finding deep comfort in these experiences. Thank you dear woman.