I owe you a few more Ayahuasca posts – there’s so much to unravel about the recent shaman visit, and yet I’ve been sucked into the vortex of an insanely beautiful life experience, so the blogs have fell silent. I’m grateful for a chance to connect today. There’s a thing or two to share.
I’ll spill the actual ceremony details soon, but I’m struck these days by one very clear vision in particular – that of motherhood. Two years ago, when I took on the Huachuma journey through northern Peru, we stopped at a place called El Brujo (which means “The Shaman”). The site features an old temple from the Moche tribe, a pyramid referred to as the “life giving vortex”, as it carries a phenomenal feminine energy – fertile and ripe and gorgeously powerful. I meditated on the top of the structure, soaking up the magnificent surges, and pondered why it is I had resisted the idea of having children my entire life. I got cracked open, so to speak, and found it wasn’t the usual suspects – I had tried to pretend I hated children. That was a lie. I had tried to pretend I would be a horrible mother. That was a lie too. No, it was simply not my current calling, and came out of my own fear – of how powerful and divine and transforming I could be. As a mom, that is. I owned that, accepted whatever might come, and felt the feminine part of me finally awaken.
In the months / years since, I have not changed my resolve. My knowing. It is not my destiny to give birth – despite these beyond-perfect child-bearing hips. I’ve always embraced the idea of being a foster mom (“No one under 10!” being my battle cry), but again, that’s been a “Some day / a long way away” scenario.
So when, during this last shamanic symphony, Ayahuasca dove in with more visions of my maternal qualities, I felt no shock and awe this time. She spiraled around my energies a hundred or so faceless children, sending the message “You are a mother” repeatedly into my consciousness. I accepted this, with no expectation of anything changing in my default world. I saw it as an energetic declaration – that I am / would be a caretaker. That because I was no longer a child myself – neither in the illusion of time, nor in the soul-sense – I would be called upon to channel this part of myself.
Back in the default world, I have been living a dream life. Orion has transformed into the most ideal partner I could ever conjure – every day, every moment, I fall more into a deep sense of love and respect for him. We are equals in our giving nature, equals in a quest to ascend, equals in our affections and energies – the list is literally endless. I love him with every thread of my being, and I see and feel that love reflected back in everything he says and does. Yes, that leaves me thread-bare and vulnerable. I have no defenses. I have ripped open the softest parts of myself and exposed every last secret and once-protected corner. But I have never felt safer. The Universe has me wrapped in her cocoon. I have trusted this implicitly and it’s led me to a shockingly deep, reciprocated bond.
Orion has a ten-year old son — I’ll call him Hijo (“son” in Spanish) — an incredible light-filled being I fell in love with from the get-go. He’s lived with his mom since the divorce, right down the road from O, and father + son see each other often. They have a beautiful bond. I’ve been blessed enough to have a couple hang-out sessions with the boys, and even remarked once that being with them felt more like home than anything else I’ve known. Shocking, in a sense, as I never saw myself as someone who would crave the experience of being in the life of a ten-year-old, but this one is different. He’s had my heart since word one. In part because I’m so in love with his father, but most notably because of who heis. I just felt it.
Three days ago, Orion arrived at my doorstep with salmon tacos and a serious gaze. Something had shifted. I knew he had just returned from a talk with his ex-wife, presumably about legal issues. Yet I felt a strong urgency – an undeniable heaviness. He challenged me right off – guess what just happened, he said. And then guess again. Until you get it right.
I felt a wave of energy, and a thought landed, strong and clear. I started to say it, then stopped, thinking – no, that seems too unlikely. But my instincts took over and I spit out my prediction.
- You’re getting full custody of your son.
He dropped his jaw and then confirmed it.
And as I looked across at the man I loved, another shift occurred. Everything changed. . .yet again.
His ex-wife needs to leave. She has her own crisis to handle, and she selflessly recognized that she’s not in a state to be who she needs to be as a mother. I respect this so much. But it means O is the last parent standing – for now, and for an undetermined period of time.
And just three days earlier, we lay entangled in a Miami hotel room, joyfully discussing how great it is to not have full-time children.
Now, we joyfully processed how great it would be to have a full-time son.
We went through all the ways in which this impacted us. What it could mean. Where I would take it. How I felt, and he felt, and where it left the whole scenario.
A big decision, yes. Maybe my biggest – it’s hard to say. And yet, the answers were effortless. I felt connected to the inner voice, unequivocally, realizing in one mad rush how I had been led to this moment.
Orion is a pilot. He’s gone for several days at a time, jetting off to Asia and Australia and other exotic locales, doing his job. I saw myself in an instant, during such times, cooking dinner. Driving Hijo to school. Making sure teeth are brushed and jammies are on and video games are shut off and goodnight hugs have been taken care of. I saw myself. . .as a mom.
I could never be a replacement, and it will be up to Hijo to determine exactly who I will be to him. But I am deeply, deeply honored to have any role at all, to be there in any capacity he declares that he needs. My eyes well up with tears when I think about how beautiful it will be to cook the boys dinner, to kick their asses in video game showdowns, to watch movies and take mini-vacations and cuddle up on the couch for hug-fests.
I never knew I had this in me – this beautifully human desire to play that mom-role. I am surrendered as to how this will all ultimately transpire, as I’ve learned enough to expect the unexpected. What I’m most effected by, however, is how willing I am to erase the old “I am not a mother” identity and be whomever I’m called to be.
All I know is – this is my dharma. My divine calling. To be here now, for Orion and Hijo, immersed in a magnificent passion play. My lessons and their lessons have perfectly entwined, and I can honestly say there isn’t two other people on this planet I’d rather be dancing with. I’m in the Absolutely Perfect Place. They are luminous miracles, love-teaching prophets. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.
I’ll be back soon to relay part two of the 17th ceremony, and the miracles of ceremony 18 – without which, there’s just no way I’d be where I am right this moment. I freaking love this poetry.
