PlantShaman's Enlightenment Blog

If my silly little ego thought it was conceivable that all of me would actually accept a subpar, surface-skimming ceremony on my 34th birthday. . .well, she had a vision-filled wild awakening hot on her heels.

Yes, I had admittedly wasted the better half of this cosmic ceremony, consumed by fears that I’d return to the out-of-control terror I visited in ceremony 17. Yet something in me stronger than any meager fear had awakened once more, and I called into my awareness a deeper experience. The kind I never used to fear.

Ayahuasca is nothing if not a giver – she responders to the intentions of the drinker in a staggeringly tangible fashion. So there was no shock when I sincerely called to her to pull me into her clutches, and she in turn started up the fireworks. I knew that the medicine was far past the crazy intense point, and there wouldn’t be any more chances to drink. Yet Ayahuasca forgave me for my previous trepidation, and the games began – albeit a wee delayed.

I had really only one question and request – please release me from this fear. Get me back to the point of trusting Miss Aya, the process of the ceremonies, and most importantly, my higher self. I can’t really communicate what it is that started transpiring, but things began dissolving in me – like an Alka Seltzer tab plunked in a vat of water, my weak little anxieties fell into the ethers.

The music kept surging wave after wave of emotion in me. I cried / sobbed / wailed openly now, letting this be my tangible purge. I had had a mini-purge earlier in the evening, during a bathroom visit, but like everything in those early hours it was very half-assed. This sob fest was a legitimate outpour. Like many such recent sessions, I didn’t really know the stories behind the emotive releases, but that didn’t much matter – I needed this.

I knew, in part, that I was purging my self-hatred. I even hated myself for still having so much hatred to release – part of the fuel that burned in the self-destructive fires. But inside of me, I felt the hands of various well-intended spirits, reaching deep and pulling out the poisons. God, what a gorgeous release. I felt at times I might be weightless by the time the evening came to an end.

I once again connected to the people in the room as well – grateful that the illusion of separation had also fallen away. I saw Orion’s feet moving manically off in the far corner, outstretched in front of his beautiful body and quasi-dancing to the infectious rhythms. And oh my God the love I felt then – the overflowing adoration that I should be blessed enough to call him Partner. I felt the walls I still held between us, and visually pulled them away, feeling instead the sheer power of our bond. I drank in the vibes and said thank you to him – the only way I knew to send him what I was feeling.

I laid back on my cushions then and blissed out. My legs fell open, exposing every chakra to the surrounding energies. My palms faced upwards – every piece of me was in receiving mode. I wanted whatever she had to give. I saw images of women around me – everywhere I looked, goddess-like creatures stared down upon me, casting protective layers and infusing me with strength and remembrance. No more pretending, they told me. No more forgetting that I was one of them.

I reveled in these energies, still laying on my back and staring up into the cosmos. My mind had completely drifted away, allowing the rest of me to soak in the experience. Suddenly, I felt the most tangible vision arrive – I could literally feel Orion’s lips cascading kisses down my forehead and cheeks. The sensation only lasted a few moments – he whisked in above me, showered me with affection -then totally disappeared. So vivid, so real. Could it be he really just did that? It seemed improbable – contact with anyone in the circle was strictly against the rules, in the event it pulled someone out of a delicate yet important meditation or vision. But the timing was so blessed and the gesture so appreciated. Orion wouldn’t break the rules, I surmised. So it couldn’t have been real.
Oh wait. Jesus, of COURSE he would break the rules. This is Orion we’re talking about.
Then it must have been real. I giggled at his audacity, and the sincerity of his affections. How beautiful that we could be so in love, and to share nights like these.

I sent out a wish then, to Ayahuasca – I asked her if I might have the chance to take care of him soon. It felt imbalanced in that fashion – Orion was always in such a capable, take-charge position. So strong and together. I hoped down deep that I might get to repay the favor – to help him through a time out of sorts, whatever the source may be. Paybacks. The least I could do.

The end of the evening started to loom – I knew this because I noticed the shaman and his attendant had begun the physical healings. They attend to each person and followed spiritual guidance, gifting each participant with the exact amount and location of required healing. They came to me, and I still lay on my back. The shaman immediately began tapping my third eye in time with the music playing in the background, and his gorgeous assistant did the same across my heart chakra. This totally and completely cracked me open. They sang the most uplifting, beautiful tune and kept tapping above me. I absolutely gushed – a dam burst within. It felt so, so magical. I had finally hit my center.

They worked on me for a much longer time than usual, but I knew I needed it and I kept sending internal gratitude. Then they moved on to Psychic sister next to me. Once they were finished with her, however, the shaman came back to me.

He whispered in my ear and I strained to make out his thickly accented words in my altered state.
“Kitty, do you remember the song I played before this? The harmonica tune?”
I did remember. It was freaking gorgeous, and part of what helped me to go so deep into myself and my heart.
I nodded.
“I have never played that before. It was an impromptu song, and as soon as I started to play it, I knew it was for you.”
I started crying even more then, so incredibly honored. He squeezed my shoulder and disappeared.

Not much time later, the ceremony ended. The candles were lit, and we were invited to merge into the circle and discuss our evening. I couldn’t say much – only commented on how much self-destruction I had connected with and purged. The shaman’s assistant / girlfriend honored my honest reveal, and told me about her similar path, and how important the work we all did was that evening. I listened to everyone else’s stories with awe.

Most poignantly, I noticed in an instant that my wish was granted. Orion had climbed next to me in the circle, but I suddenly felt how deep he still was into the experience. I wrapped one arm around him, and he immediately dove into my lap for an embrace. He stayed that way for the rest of the talking circle – head in my lap, falling into the loving transmissions of my fingers as they traced his scalp, neck, shoulders and back. I could tell how much he needed my protective energies, and I was so happy to be able to gift him with all I had.

At some point, however, another embrace beckoned to me – I saw my dear friend Leo laying rather motionless a few feet away, and rose to attend to him briefly. I lay down next to him and wrapped my arms around him. His breath drew in with a surprised yet deeply satisfied sigh, and we smiled and snuggled for several minutes. When I knew he felt how much I loved him, I kissed his forehead and returned to Orion.

At the end of the chatting, the attendant rose and disappeared in the kitchen. A few moments later, we all turned to see her emerging with a burning candle. Everyone started singing happy birthday, and I finally connected that the goodies were for me. I felt SO adored. Raw vegan cheesecake, dark chocolate, and these amazing raw cookies were all scattered on a plate. We all gobbled them and giggled, feeling festive and heart-spaced. More than a little relieved that the hard parts were over. And as I leaned down and sent my own cascade of kisses across Orion’s forehead and cheeks, all I could feel was my own goddess energy – reawakened, and mine to access.
There was no more fear. I had been cleansed again.