Intellectually, I know what’s transpiring. I have poured myself into integrity, into finding out my true self, and relinquishing the ego’s stronghold. I have declared truth at all costs, willing to feel whatever I must to liberate. But oh my fucking god, sometimes I feel like it’s killing me. (That’s that small me talking, and I suppose she feels that way because. . .it’s true.)
This last month has been like the opening line of A Tale of Two Cities – the best and worst of times. And everything in between. I have had authentic, heart-stopping moments of complete surrender, complete knowingness of my divinity, and complete ownership of what this world really is and isn’t. Coupled by breakdowns so painful, I literally feel like I’m being split in two.
I’m in the space of the latter right now, although it’s a crowded space. There are two very real points of view – sometimes many more. The disappointing thing is that the small side keeps getting the upper hand. I have wailed with sadness and pain today. And then hopped RIGHT back to the kind of surrender that would make a Taoist ogle and ahhh. I’m dizzy and tired and I want to scream, cry, and laugh hysterically. All at once. Which, if I’m counting correctly, has already transpired four times.
Why the insanity? It’s all a matter of contrast. I have wisely chosen a partner that is immensely powerful, and equally dedicated to this path. Maybe even more so – another petty fear. And while my process is ripe with emotional outbursts, head-splitting terror, and ridiculous little sob stories, his is as graceful and joyful as any I’ve seen. He just had another incredible, indescribable experience – so close to knowing the All it feels completely inevitable. And nobody – nobody – deserves it more. He is transforming so much and so fast, sometimes I feel like I don’t know him. But then I see his eyes shining at me, and realize it’s the *real* him. He is so, so beautiful.
But I am torn to absolute pieces over the stark, embarrassing, and devastating contrast between us. The more he shines, the more my insecurities and fear rise up and threaten to strangle me. I am so damn beaten down and so ready to take on all the more – both at the same time. It’s (sometimes) overwhelming. I’m a walking contradiction, a non-stop paradox. And I wonder why I am so afraid of losing my sanity.
Pi, your words of wisdom are my anchor right now. I know I’m in a state of resisting this painful process, which is really where the rub is. As you always say, “whatever state you’re in is perfect”. Adya has the perfect words for this too – “when the resistance comes up – gently ask yourself: Is there a reason I need to resist this?” When I do so in my quiet voice, all of me breathes a sigh and answers – No, I guess not.
As much as I don’t know any other game to play other than this big cosmic whirlwind, for now, I don’t know any other way to play it. I ache for the ease / grace / flow I see reflected back to me by Orion. But apparently I don’t want it badly enough, because I keep feasting on the darkness. I know why. It’s where my power is. But in this small space in which I currently dwell, I resent that. Because I’m really, really afraid I won’t always be able to fight back. Not that it matters in the grand scheme, but I’m well aware this game is anything but small. The stakes get higher as my ego’s resistance intensifies. It’s only a matter of time before one of us wins.
hey kit-kat. i had a flash this morning which drove me to write a blog about string theory vs quantum. go figure. but this thing about NOW and how we confuse the observer and the observed. and how NOW never stops but to examine it we take these fake “snapshots”–i think what you’re going through has something to do with that, perhaps.
So bottom line, NOW has a direction and a force. We make choices in this NOW using our brain, but we have a higher aptitude of MIND. Mind may be the potential or the potential may be mind–this part still alludes me, but this potential is key. Physicists describe the phenomeno of particles appearing to be different when observed as if there is just “potential” there. The particle will either be a wave or some form of matter, once it is observed. But until it is observed, it is only potential.
So we too, must exist as pure potential, in our perfect state of BEING. Though I’m my own worst enemy, I can hear this voice tell me to allow myself to exist in this state of pure potential. If I can learn to do that, there will be no struggle. Naturally there will also be no right or wrong, good or bad, because those all spring from the same original source. If we want to thrive in the state of duality, we can make all sorts of drama for ourselves. One of the things we seem especially good at is beating ourselves up.
Funny, you talk about yourself thriving in that dark self but I see you as pure light. Quite a strong light too. Anyhoo, that blog if you ever feel bored is at http://www.stringsvsquantum.blogspot.com
cheers,
Enjoyable reading, keep on keeping on …
I see you’re not open to new readers … Why have a public blog then?
the only thing i can add is just remember that your path is YOUR path, and your journey is YOUR journey. wherever anyone else is (or isn’t), those are not benchmarks to be measured or compared. they can be guideposts and beacons, so think of the lighthouse. ships don’t run TOWARD the lighthouse because it beams light into an unknown or unfamiliar landscape. ships use the light to find THEIR path through the shoals and shallows that line the coast.
love,
me
Thank you so much Van – blessings on your journey too.
Hi Fastway -
Now sure why you’d assume I’m not open to new readers – of course I am, otherwise I would make it private. I’m open to. . .well, just about everything. Thanks for stopping by.
That’s the hardest thing to remember right now, Husband, but thank you for insisting I do so.
I love you.