PlantShaman's Enlightenment Blog

It’s a phrase that has been running in my noggin incessantly these days — “Nothing is as it seems.”

But what does that mean, exactly?  What am I trying to tell myself with this bizarre little nugget of wisdom?

It came to me today.  During coffee with a new / old soul that has already transformed me.  I’ll call her Shakti.  She has been integral to my most recent unraveling, and the profundity is starting to materialized.  Lest I think that this mind I’m wrestling with isn’t a powerful beast – I had another borderline mental breakdown last week, involving perceived infidelity and a wild little spiral, of which Shakti helped to orchestrate, albeit unknowingly.

Orion is a tough one to be in love with, from an ego’s perspective.  He does not feed me “forever baby” bullshit, as we are now-focused beings that don’t dare promise anything of tomorrow.  I am also aware of his adventurous past, and he’s wonderfully honest about his desires and intrigues.  To sum it up, the boy is very sexual, very *very* charming /attractive / magnetic, and he isn’t brainwashed by the typical monogamous “supposed to do” programming.  These are all things I positively adore about him, in the highest sense, but a comfortable ego they do not make.  Also a stroke of perfection, as it allows me to be uber-honest with myself about my fears and insecurities.  If I try and project that stuff on him in a distorted fashion, he has none of it – just a neon sign that says “that shit don’t work here, yo”.  And so if I want harmony and honesty with him (which, of course, I really do), then I must only be truthful about what *I’m* experiencing, and not so quick to blame one smidgen on him.  There is no him in the grand scheme anyway, righto?

And so it goes that a week or so back, I decided to freak myself out.  I came home from work after an estranged day of communication with Orion (only my perception, mind you) to find he wasn’t home.  Unusual for that hour.  And my first instinct, clear as a church bell, was that Orion was spending time with Shakti.  I called him, he answered, and guess where he was?  Yup, at her house.  I promptly hung up and dove into my ego’s projections.  He’s cheating.  Found greener pastures.  Connecting with someone who can hand me my ass in the spiritual space.  There goes the house of cards.

I lay down in bed in a meditation pose and went deep into these stories, without resistance.  My body shook, my heart slammed away inside, and my head went on a wild ride.  I felt myself saying internally that I deserved this anyway, that this was karma.  But I allowed myself, every so briefly, to believe the story – Orion was with another woman.  I felt it with every cell.  

And then I laughed out loud.  Hysterically.  Belly shaking laughter that ripped me out of my meditation and back into the Maya, this time with a new point of view.

It took the rest of the evening to totally dismantle the false programming, and a really wonderful heart-connected talk with Orion, where I confessed the whole shebang.  But by then, I saw what was *really* happening.  My mind tried to paint me a picture of infidelity, in order to finally get me back under her spell.  Orion is often the villain during those power plays, as no one has ever supported my ascension more than him.  Once again, I came to know how nothing is what it seems – and that’s just the tip of the spirit-berg.

This all helps me recall a moment after the second Ayahuasca ceremony – my cracking open experience.  I had finally pulled myself out of the devastating funk I had fallen into that day, and fell in step beside Denise, a lovely wise woman from Colorado.  I don’t recall which one of us said it first, but we lamented on how “normal got erased last night.”  And then we laughed at the concept and the truth of it all.  We would never see things the same way again.  That has proved to be mind-shatteringly true.

Coming back to Shakti, as I sat across from her today and heard he sincerely tell me she loves me and trusts me, I could only grin and sincerely tell her the same.  This is the other piece of the puzzle, of course – ego wants me away from her as well.  She’s very, very powerful – more in the ownership of her divinity than just about any other woman I have met.  She and I are starting a very electric bond now, and the depths of where we will likely go together is not something I can begin to put my head around.  I know this, and therefore understand how it is I tried to keep her away with a wildly false made-up tale.  

Fear is a tricky one.  But I’m finding the corners where she dwells in, blasting her with the light of integrity.  I will not be tricked out of my awakening.  Writing that makes my head buzz, my eyesight brighten, my skin spring up in awareness.  I will not hold myself back from my divinity.

Getting in the car after the coffee time with Shakti, I couldn’t stop chuckling to myself.  At the synchronicities, the perfect unfolding, and the thought that maybe, just maybe I’ll start catching these little tricks a little earlier.  That maybe I’ll own the knowledge that “nothing is as it seems” so much, I start seeing what really is.  Yeah, strike the “maybe” business.  I’m on my way.  And I know just the people who can keep reminding me of the Truth.

Tags: Awakening, Ayahuasca, Ego, Enlightenment, Integrity, introspection, Shamanism, Truth