Artwork by Kari Minnick
I’m in a perpetual “wha?” state as of late, more than a little flummoxed by the odd energies I’ve fallen into. My chosen perspective in the highest sense is to embrace said-frustration, say yay to my mass confusion, and transcend the urge to, well, feel it.
That only feels like half the story, however – like I’m ignoring a chance to dance through the whole spectrum. So allow me to indulge in the ambiguity.
Sheesh, it’s so ambiguous, in fact, that I hardly know where to begin. I’ll go first to my feelings. I am absolutely submerged in the duality of emotions. There’s someone I feel rather threatened by – his energies / message feel harsh and egoic to me these days, if I’m speaking from one of my many perspectives. On the other hand, I can see the self-projection of this reaction clear as day, own it as my own distortion, and cease to view him in any other light but that of divinity. And when I ask myself – which one is true? Is he full of shit and spouting mindless drivel? Or is he a sage showing me wisdom and self-illumination? Self answers – why yes, he is! Both of these and neither of these!
To which I say – Grrrrr.
Conversations have been laden with miscommunications lately, and they’re not normally even my own. I have watched over a dozen times this week as people interpret statements in multiple ways – none of which mirror how I see things. I realize that’s always, always happening, and I’m simply casting a light on this revelation. We humans, damn, we just don’t communicate well. We pretend to, in all earnestness, but because our own little world view is so incredibly snowflake-unique, we just can’t see it any other way but our own. So we walk around understanding on a higher level (although not always in tune with such things) and pretending to understand on the mind-level. It’s a very interesting game.
Last night I had a dream involving Hubby (a best friend in LA who was always been my “gay husband” – in other words, my intimate other half that is repulsed by my plumbing). We were talking about a major life decision I was trying to make – whether or not to accept a job at Disney (where we both first met – and BTW, this job offer is entirely fictional. I am not poised to return to Mouse-hell). I surmised with Hubby whether or not accepting the job would give me a color on my rainbow-colored easel. In my dream-world, everyone carried around a flat easel-like object covered in fabric that reminded me of the outside of a tennis ball. When a decision was made that allowed for personal growth and transformation, one got a color on their easel. That was my focus in the dream – I didn’t want to do anything that would be, in essence, colorless.
Hubby challenged this. He mused that I cared only about gaining colors, not about living. He stated he had no clue how many colors his easel had, as it wasn’t his concern. He just wanted to be present, to live, to be happy and suck the marrow dry. I got this perspective, and then started discussing the “game within a game” concept – that coloring in my easel was equal in meaning to not coloring in my easel – it’s all the same in the end, regardless. The act of gaining colors was just a distraction for my mind, something for her to focus on, as real transcendence occurred. Hubby stated I spent more time helping others get colors than filling in my own, anyway, and I challenged him there – stating there was no difference between a color on, say, Seeker’s easel (he also appeared in the dream – a very prominent ex-boyfriend) than one on mine – it was all mine, ultimately. That whole oneness thing.
The dream really hammered into the heart of my confusion. It’s as if all this effort, all these hopes and dreams and truth-tellings and heart-pours – they are all, in the highest sense, meaningless. I will return to the source and achieve enlightenment whether or not I always tell the truth. Choose to be a murdering freakfest or hug it out with one and all. It’s all. . . the same. I’m just looking for the right distractions that divert my attention long enough for the *real* truth to float on in with any sort of staying power. But even then – hell, I’m not sure that works either.
It’s all about intuition, at the end of the day, and I guess that’s where I’m lost. I have a hard time deciphering between bona fide internal knowingness and the often uber-convincing egoic chatter. Kat, my alter EGO, talks a *very* good game – she often masquerades as the enlightened one, as she so desperately wants to be in on the secret. And can’t be. So, until I get very, very clear on which Me is attempting to guide the proverbial bus, I suppose confusion is the delicious dish I must just feast on, with gratitude.
So, yay for the head-spinning WTF is happening outcries. I’d like to see my mind get so worked up over the inexplicable little world I’ve now adopted that she just implodes already and lets the God-head take over. I’ll keep being confused by what it is I’m actually trying to do. I’ll keep feeling confused about what teachers are telling me, the games Orion is playing, and the various voices in my manic being.
Down deep, I can admit – I get it. Somehow, some way, it’s clear. I don’t have the words – they can’t access this knowingness. And so those words that do appear speak only of the small mind. This I know. Illumination doesn’t come through the mind, which is the source of all words – so just know that if you could sit across from me now, if we could see each other. . .we may echo our confusions, but a good old-fashioned eye-lock would reveal something vastly different. We could hold each other as mirrors for just a moment, and see that we do, in fact, Know.
Now that’s a revelation.
Very intersting topic, especially on communication skills: ‘Honesty’ isn’t always the best way to talk, either! You can get cut down for it…
Then there are those who feel they know everything about anything!
Then of course cultural miscommunications, like Blacks talking to White Folk!
What works best sometimes is talking in first grade English to each other…
And on blogs, I could change my name several times and you wouldn’t even know it!
Listen closely, too! Don’t be afraid to ask what you mean…