Just in time for the new year, there are numerous endings, beginnings, and transformations. Mostly, I am staring down the truth of my divine creations – and acknowledging that the being beyond my false sense of self has everything under control. Go, that-girl. Go go go.
Backstory time – what’s a blog without the details?
Pi is a controversial but sacred soul. He’s reached enlightenment (I rather dislike the “reached” descriptor, because it was gifted rather than attained, but whatever – he’s There.) He’s new to those spaces, however, and because he doesn’t fit the mold from which most of us craft our completely false sense of true self-realization, he’s a button pusher like no other. I met him early this year at one of Orion’s events. He immediately had a very positive effect on me (how many peeps can say THAT, Pi?) But our second conversation – that’s when the party really started.
It was February 13th, day of the divine romance (so dubbed by Guruji P), and Z plus the ashram crew had arrived for a big enlightenment event. Lots of folks came, including the beautiful fiancee of the man I was about to fall madly in love with. I, however, was still fully with Z, and realllly committed to making the evening a huge success for him. This was his night, his chance to share his toe-touch in the other world, and he was mad nervous as public speaking made him waddle and sweat. The evening went quite well, however, and everyone stayed to socialize after the big speeches commenced.
Pi had some rather animated discussions with various members – a trend I would realize in the coming weeks. He’s just aces at exposing and dismantling belief structures, so he’s rather like a human bug zapper – people gravitate around him, protest and argue, then either surrender to his rightness, or storm off in a huff. Usually the latter. Anyway, several folks had had their fill of Pi – including Healer, who was completely flummoxed by Pi’s insistence that A) he was in fact enlightened and B) he had no big-huge-godlike-divine-world-changing-purpose. Since this did not fit with Healer’s current “enlightenment picture”, the conversation had been heated. But suddenly, there we were – Pi and myself – eyelocked on the couch, and immediately engaged in the most unexpected conversation. The room had also mysteriously cleared out as we began to speak – everyone scampered off to the kitchen, except us. He said words to me that were clearly, clearly channeled from outside his mind, and they were so spot on targeted to my innermost self, I was pretty much flattened by the intimacy. The topic: Tantra. Something I held a deep affinity for, but next to no knowledge – and Pi said some pretty out-there, but perfect for me, goodies. Once our chat ended, Pi took his exit, and I was left feeling completely and totally altered. An attempt to traverse the room ended in a near flop-over. I was giddy.
And later that night, through a completely unplanned and totally cosmic conversation with Z, our relationship ended. I had no memory then (or now) of how that happened, or what was said. But he heard something in my words that I didn’t consciously put there – it was rather like the channeling Pi had done for me. Z said to me, about 4 AM, during our really heated exchange – “Do I hear you breaking up with me?” And tearfully, yet stoically, I said – “Yes.”
That was the boulder, sent rolling down the hill. And today, another boulder was pushed off to follow.
In the months since, Pi and I forged a deep but short-lived bond, then mutually accepted significant distance so that other connections might neatly form. Both of us, actually, created a beautiful connection with Orion. Orion became the love of my life, and one of Pi’s closest friends. I bowed out of the intimacy out of respect for both men and honoring what felt right, but I’ll admit – ever since then, in growing doses, I have missed that Pi-connection. We see each other alllll the time, so it’s not a withdrawal in that sense, but I knew what a profound teacher / friend he was / is for me, and my egoic self felt really jealous at the relationship I saw with Orion and Pi. I had a sense of loss there without really understanding why. Finally, in the last week, I acknowledged this to Orion, and this morning, did the same to Pi. Why? Because it’s time to change the game.
It all began on a couch with a chat about Tantra. And early next year, Pi is starting a Tantra meet-up group — a group I’m more excited to attend than any other. Patience has paid off. I just trust that this is a wonderful next step for all involved. The rightness of the timing, integrity, and true intentions of all involved is just mind-numbingly beautiful. It has already meant that I should be so lucky as to grow even closer to both Orion and Pi. I’m seriously spilling over with gratitude.
And as this all transpires, an ending has landed at my feet as well. One I’m both shocked by, and completely un-surprised over. Yes, both. Shaman and part of the affectionate Dynamic Duo – the team I’ve been working with on Aya this last year – well, that’s a donesville chapter. There’s no dramatic story around the why’s – it’s just time. My heart said so. I’m closing a door so I may clear space for my next mentor – one I can go even deeper into this process with. Here and now, I am called to own these shamanic energies I have been gifted access to – not unlike the way Pi owns his Tantra wisdom. I was not feeling that unfolding with D1. But this isn’t the easiest of door-closes. I literally just gave up my easy access to Ayahuasca. My shaman who made house calls. I will finish up a promise to connect a current wave of seekers to him, but I won’t be attending – which, I’ll admit, hasn’t fully hit me yet. Or rather, hit the emotional side yet. But make no mistake, this is hardly the end of my Aya chapter. I have a conference / workshop in March that just found me (literally five minutes before the falling out with past-shaman), and if that doesn’t lead me to the next connection, something else will. Ayahuasca is already working on this with me, I can feel that. So instead of lamenting a loss, I’m excited for a beginning that hasn’t (tangibly) begun. How’s that for abstract?
There’s so much more happening, but these are the current heart-stamps. Orion and I will be ringing in the new year together tomorrow, and we’re 1 week away from the “I met you exactly one year ago” marker. Amazing. That same day, we’ll be motoring down the highway to our 12 day silent meditation retreat. Oh, the places we go. And the love that we know.
brilliant, as always, love! so super excited for all of your ventures… can’t wait to CHAT with you, partner!!! love you. hugs to la familia
Magic of the moment.
An awesome, revealing post as always. I’ve felt your frustration over the distance from Pi for several months now. As I’ve benefited from the incredibly intense conversation with both of you during that time, I’m very glad to see that you two are able to engage more deeply. It’ll be a great benefit to the both of you, as Pi will help erode your attachments to concepts and you’ll help open him up to more fully enjoy the Relative world.
An interesting note that not too many people are aware of. The bulk of this post took place very late in the evening of February 13th and you and Z broke up early in the morning of February 14th, which just so happens to be my birthday. That very same morning, about 8 am, I was across town in bed with my fiancee having a very unusual conversation. I, too, do not recall the details of the conversation, but something in my words caused her to ask me if i was breaking up with her. Unlike Kitty, I said no, but I did acknowledge that I did not know if one could be in a committed relationship and fully take on the detachment required to become Liberated. Three weeks later I ended up breaking up with her so that Kitty and I could attempt to become Spiritual Partners with the understanding that our personal spiritual paths would take precedence over our newly formed relationship. While it might have seemed a naive prospect back then, we have shown that one can be in a committed, loving relationship and still burn through ourselves in our unraveling. IMNSHO, we are one of the most loving couples that I know of and yet we are genuinely more detached from each other than the myriad traditional couples out there.
What this post does not address, but she does address in other posts, is Kitty’s blind trust in moving forward by breaking up with Z without any understanding from me that I would do the same. By February 14th, Kitty and I had only known each other for five weeks and we had no explicit agreement or understanding that we would be breaking up with people whom we dearly loved in order to make this incredible new bond. She did so on her own volition and it was three weeks later before I parted ways with a woman that I was incredibly in love with.
From the outside it may appear that I left one woman for another and that she left Z for me, but Kitty and I know that the real story is about how we sacrificed two loving relationships for our SPIRITUAL PATHS, not to leave and have another traditional relationship. Doing so requires great integrity to one’s spiritual path, and most especially to oneself. To do this “in the name of” my spiritual path would be coming from the traditional perspective and would likely have ended painfully as many conventional relationships do. But doing so with total integrity to our spiritual paths has resulted in a personal expansion for each of us that would have been hard to experience alone. (Similarly, that’s how Tantra with a partner can be so powerful.)
Kitty, I love you LOVE you.
Orion