Sometimes so much happens, so quickly – light speed, it seems – that I’m constantly writing blogs in my mind, and they never reach the inter-ethers. So goes the last five weeks. And while a billion and one things have transpired, blossomed, and grabbed me by the thyroid, none will surpass the memorability of watching a man get shot to death.
The build-up began the week prior. I had a monumental weekend with the apprenticeship – three days in the wilderness. Days that seemed innocent and educational, rich with genuine awakenings, connectivity with plants and people – a really worthwhile venture. I learned an endless amount about plant communication and medicinal benefits, and even got to begin making medicine in the field with my teacher and fellow apprentice-friends. Nothing Earth-shattering, so it seemed – just new expansions and immeasurably valuable insights.
Then, I came home, and pretty much came unglued.
As is always the case, I can tell how much integrity I’m currently granting myself by the level of harmony I have with Orion. Literally from word Go, upon my arrival home, we started having massive flare-ups. Fights-a-plenty that left me feeling *TORE UP* inside. Maddening. I started accessing the inside spaces, trying to unravel the how’s and why’s. And there she was, the scared little girl demanding safety and comfort. The one who wants promises and guarantees and a right to feel and throw fits and the whole nine yards, and be accepted by her partner too. Here’s the rub with that – Orion will grant me all the space I need to feel up a storm, but only if I’m being honest about what is on the surface. This is what I’ve asked for, of course. As someone who literally lives in shadow work – the unraveling of the subconscious – I wouldn’t have it any other way. But when the subconscious is tricking the waking mind – when I’m in the state of wanting / needing something that *feels* legitimate, but is actually just a mind-trick trying to regain control of things – I can really lose my shit. And I did so for the first week of July, almost daily.
I went deep, deep into the perceived fear that wracked my conscious mind, and found the part that was afraid of the world. Afraid of the loss of control – and the very real awareness that there is NO control, ever. There never was. I was tricked for a long while, and while the gig is up, it takes a bit for my entire being to accept the Truth. She was trying during those days, but every time I went out into the world, I wanted safety. I wanted peace. And when I was with Orion, shit, I wanted EVERYTHING from him – promises he won’t ever make (and would piss me off anyway, because I only trust in the present moment, and would know any “I will always love you” declaration was just a meager way to appease me anyway), the right to be all kinds of neurotic, and basically to have it all go MY way. He reacted in kind, and left me stranded in my laughable state of attempted-control.
In the midst of all this, I had 2 dental surgeries (which I had been avoiding for YEARS, literally) and my soul-cat Mr. Boo also went under the knife. I poured on the anxieties, not completely realizing I was doing my best on the highest level to get me to admit THERE IS NO CONTROL – and that life sucks when you hand it a script and demand that it be followed. On the flipside, it’s actually a complete and total nirvana if you just love what is.
Then, that following Saturday, I trekked off to Costco for our monthly shopping spree. As I stood in line with a cart absolutely spilling over with goodies, employees whisked my direction, quietly requesting that all patrons leave the store immediately. Some mysterious store emergency.
We left in an organized fashion. Some went straight to their cars, but I plopped down on a nearby bench, right next to the front door, and started texting Orion this message – “I’m in a weird situation.” Then, all hell broke loose.
I heard the sound of a very loud male voice say “Drop the gun.” Then he yelled it. ”DROP THE GUN!” My head whipped up to see a red-headed, well built thirty-something guy facing what I know now was a trio of cops, guns drawn. He looked stunned and dazed, and while I didn’t see a weapon in his hand, I did see him slowly make a motion that appeared he was reaching for a gun on his right hip. He didn’t get to complete the gesture – one of cops fired the first round, and several more shots exploded into his torso. He died a few minutes later. By then, I was already in my car, calling Orion, fleeing the terror of the scene.
It took me a full day to put together what I had seen. Much more to process what I had wanted to see. I learned how useless eye witnesses are, as what I *thought* in those first few moments had played out in front of me was no where near the truth. I didn’t know that cops had pulled the trigger – I didn’t see them behind the pillars. And I recognize now that I wanted the man who had died to be a thug, a terrible person – someone who deserved what happened, so I could make sense of it, tuck it away, and move on.
The deceased was a West Point grad, a pillar of our community – a really, really good guy. Shopping at Costco with his girlfriend. A normal Saturday. But he had chosen to arm himself with not one, but two concealed weapons that day – legally, mind you, as he carried a permit. A Costco employee spotted one of those, shared some sort of dialogue with him, and was driven to call the police. Cops arrive in an effort to create peace and protect. One of them yells at a man without a gun in his hand, but on his hip to “Drop the gun”. Another fires when he sees this guy reach for the gun.
It’s a big mess, no matter how you slice it – all kinds of gray. Poor commands, a hugely excessive use of force, but a drama full of human mistakes that I simply cannot judge. I may have done exactly the same on all fronts. But the one thing I don’t do – carry a weapon. Thank goodness such acts aren’t illegal, because I sure as hell don’t advocate more instructions on what we can and cannot do, but hear this – if you put a gun on your person today, do not be surprised if you are driven to use it, or if one is used against you. The masses still (understandably) get insanely spooked when spying a concealed weapon on anyone, and shit like this goes down. Is it insanely tragic and all kinds of heartbreaking? Yes. Yet there’s a very real energy sent out by someone who’s carrying a gun – a paranoid dialogue with the world that says “I need to protect myself”. Be careful what you wish for.
Now, taking this to a higher level, outside of the relative, it makes absolute perfect sense why I needed to witness this scene. Here I was, battling internally with the concept of safety, and allowing myself to accept there was no such thing. And wham bam, I get the most tangible reminder imaginable – just short of being the one who was shot. I was awestruck by the unfolding – the perfect timing. I let it rattle the holy shit out of me, feeling every nook and cranny of the fear and injustice and pain of it all. And then I thanked the universe and myself profusely for allowing me to fast track this unlearning.
A few weeks later, on an airplane ride back from the latest apprenticeship weekend, it all came together in a blissful connection. I connected with the awareness behind the “me” perspective inside, and watched as my eyes went back and forth between the “No smoking” and “Seat belts” signs. It *seemed* as if that was my control. Like I would think about moving my eyes, and my eyes would move. Yet somewhere in there, I connected with the *awareness* that was moving my eyes, letting me perceive it was coming from “me”. I started feeling this cosmic joke on the deepest level, and it made me absolutely giddy. Orion was with me, and we dove into the meaning – the complete and total awareness that we have no control – NONE – over any event, any movement, anything. We need to *believe* that we do for us to unravel the truth, as without the contrast, it cannot be illuminated. This revelation is still processing inside, but it’s a magical one indeed. Nowadays, I’m playing the role my instincts ask me to, but with the wide-eyed wonder of a kid watching a really awesome TV show. And while I still have all the human emotions, and surrender into them willingly too, I have an even stronger connection to awareness, acting as the observer, watching every aspect of the drama with detachment, love, acceptance and surrender.
So I watched someone die. Apparently. I also watched the drama unfold the way those souls wanted / needed it to – mine included. I also connected to the universal oneness, the shared consciousness, and the lie that death represents. Most of this does not make sense to my feeble mind, but the insides are buzzing. They are aware that the only thing that dies is this concept of self. Even the body lives on, in a different form (merging with the Earth’s soil, ashes into the atmosphere, etc. – it’s still life. It’s all life.) In the midst of any chaos lies a core of total Truth. I found it in the sound of shots fired. Which means it really is Everywhere.
Thanks for sharing
I’ve missed your words.
Wow! Beautiful and profound writing.
Namaste’
Many thanks for reading and for the kind words, Miss Margi – I adore you
Gina-Bear, thank you – I miss you more than words could ever begin to express.
Your writing drew me. I like your style.
That awareness get stronger the more you practice.
Being awakened from a life of negativity is rush!