PlantShaman's Enlightenment Blog

Three days shy of the 36th birthday, and I’m finally logging thoughts in here – first time this year.  Laziness?  Desire to hide?  LIfe just taking over?

Yes.

Also, an overwhelming amount of truth to tell.  That old – where to begin? – stressor, which leads to complete abandonment.

And yet I’m back.  With a burning awareness that it’s time to bleed in here again, to expose and reveal and purge all over the bloody screen.  God, I really miss the written word.  I’ve avoided the power of a typed-up chaotic brain / heart dump for months now – years, when it comes to my full on fiction writing and poetry – and I know a great deal about why.  It’s not a new revelation, but one that’s unraveling before my observing one-self, so it bares noting these days.

What is it the Genie in Aladdin said?  All the powers in the whole wide universe, locked up in a teeeeeeeny living space?  Yes.  That’s the rub, isn’t it?  This being I share space with has complete awareness (complete?  That may be exaggerating – at least partial.) that she is omnipotent, in the truest sense.  That with any level of drive, focus, discipline and fire, anything/everything can and will change.  And yet the temptation to just keep it status quo, to fly under the radar and commit to the mundane, not the spectacular, has continued to win out.

I should qualify that with an “apparently.”  What has been real in these last five months is a full on dedication to integrity, and there’s nothing small about the truth.  And because the willingness has been so genuine, shit has hit the fan.  Spirit is just emerging from a 10 day jaunt into the untamed spaces – man has the world been a chasm of darkness lately.  I literally let myself rip in two.  On the surface, brought on by the death of two cats (two whom I attached to in the most devotedly human way) and a third that was extricated from a less than ideal home situation, and into something that we hope is more for the greater good.  And yet, I let it break my heart.  Ripped wide-fucking-open.  And as I fell and felt and swirled, Orion (husband) flew out into the expansive spaces, and, on many occasions, laughed at the sad little clown girl.  I don’t blame him, this isn’t a victim outlet speech.  Just an acknowledgement that I created, seemingly, a complete and total separation, and the opportunity to *feel* divided, to the core.  SUCH pain.  Not suffering, mind you, as I stayed unwaveringly present through the madness (at least that’s my perception), but yo damn, that is a convincingly dark space.  So dark I found myself smashing my head against a wall, wanting OUT goddammit.  Feeling the disease of the past and future focused mind just became unbearable.  Then, of course, at some point I surrendered, my spirit filled with helium, and the veil lifted once more.

Now, the giddiness is back – the eyes-wide-open awe and wonder.  A few major revelations have surfaced, but those don’t want to be shared just yet – there are potential actions involved with all, and nothing has emerged as “it’s time” or “the right course.”  In that “waiting is” stage, and it’s lovely.  But what IS true and very loud/proud — this god-being is really, really ready to go BIG.  What does that mean?  Engaging in the three intuitive paths that keep neon-flashing behind my mind’s eye.  I’m not confused about how to unlock the next layer of out-of-the-way empowerment.  They are: Taking better care of the body (workouts, food, tinctures, yoga), meditation (which takes care of the mind, or no-mind), and writing (what my spirit loves the most, but mind resists the most.)  Pretty simple.  On paper.  But there’s a sense that truly engaging in all three will send me into. . .well, as a dear friend put it recently, “We’re not starting a new chapter.  Honey, this is a new book.”  And whose ego doesn’t fear change?  Ahem.

But here I am, apparently turning 36, and emerging out of a transforming year of 7′s (35 is a multiple of 7, and as the theory goes, since we regenerate every cell of our physical selves every 7 years, we do the same for our spiritual.)  This body/mind no longer feels immortal, and the urgency is almost choking at times to just BE who I really am.  Not a small, shrouded, scared little version of said-god-self, but IT.  HER.  Unmasked.  Vulnerable.  True to her word (to all, but most especially myself.)  And pedal to the metal with all that has always intuitively said “Do This.”

Which is why I’m here.  In part to immortalize the intentions, and in part to actualize them, as writing (and exposing truth) is at the very core of this awakening, and this being.  The ego known as Kitty – she writes.  Always has.  One of the purest forms of how divine expression manifests through me.

So while this particular post is a tad indulgent and mememe, it’s also a tangible ember to ignite this fire again.  We are all god, pretending to be separate selves.  If we follow our heads alone, they may lead to magnificent relative successes, but usually with a sense of emptiness.  Following intuition can lead to an unpredictable, seemingly unsafe, wild unfolding adventure – but perhaps with a sense of oneness.  Of wholeness.  And if you’ve had that. . . no amount of material success can match it.  Freedom is the flavor that trumps all the rest.  And having written this, I’m one step closer.

Tags: Awakening, Empowerment, Power, Reemergence, Waking Up