Two very distinct and paradoxical reasons have kept me from blogging lately:

1) So bloody much has happened it’s daunting to try and cover all the ground in a genuine, detailed fasion

2) Much of what keeps transpiring is from the space where words cannot go, so how does the unreal ego / identity self truly convey what is?  She can’t, she won’t, and yet it’s so cute how she tries.

Here I am, trying.  Playing in the illusion of the word space.  *splishy splashy*

Shpongle is playing – “Botanical Dimensions”.  Appropriate and inspirational.  Here I go.

I will soon post a full report on the latest Huachuma adventure, #7.  I cannot dishonor the massive revelations by making them footnotes.  Likewise, I recently returned from a ridiculously profound 11 day silent meditation retreat, following the Vipassana technique.  That’s gotta be at least 2 big downloads.  For now, I’ll just speak what is, in this space, in this smattering of awareness.  

First, the “apparently” tangible spaces: big changes.  Huge.  Happy, scary-in-a-good-way, heart thumping cliff dives.  I left the current day job today – a space I’ve been truly joyful in, challenged, and appreciated for well over two years.  As far as office jobs go, this has been my favorite.  I have never had an office environment that allowed me to be who I am before, in complete freedom and acceptance.  That’s been huge, as it’s provided the space for me to go deep into the enlightenment game, and not make any apologies along the way.  Sure, they’ve labeled me a bit strange in these parts, but I can’t think of a place that wouldn’t be true.  Except in Sunday Sangha, the weekly spirit-family that talks nonsense and yet understands each other.  Yum.

But something found me literally out of the blue these last few days – an opportunity that felt so all-over right, I had to jump in.  I’m now VP of Production for an online children’s content group.  I’ll be working *remotely*, from my happy little home space, on beautiful, uplifting, feel-good projects for little people.  The team I’ve connected with (only via phone thus far) are absolutely stellar beings, and I’m overjoyed at the intense challenge, and the chance to do it all from my sacred space.  This will mean more face time with Orion and Hijo, and *that* is worth it’s weight in diamond dust.  The new occupational adventure begins.

The other big news – I’m finally diving headfirst into Tantra.  This is a path that has been on my radar since teenage-dom, truly, but it’s never called loud enough for me to go full-on.  I can’t even say I understand one iota of what I’m getting into, but like the job above, it just feels right.  Pi has kindly taken on the role of teacher for those of us interested in taking on the task, and I’m melting with gratitude for what I feel this means.  Getting closer to him, to Orion, to myself, to God.  All the same, all different – all just freaking awesome.

I know that Tantra will / is shaking up my paradigm of sexuality too.  I know that I will enter into energetic spaces that are powerful and vastly unfamiliar.  This is another step in the self-transformation – dropping the identity to become divine.  I finally have a partner that makes this feel real, safe, possible – in every way.  So why not, you know?  The energies are calling.  I know this will require surrender like I have never known – just what Ayahuasca has been preparing me for.  Integrity in the truest sense.  A willingness to go deep into the emotional spaces.  So in addition to the Jnana Yoga fun I embark on every week with the spirit-family, and almost every waking moment with Orion, I’ve got a new game to play.  One that requires me to use my body to transcend.  That’s the big daunting prospect, as we have only recently become friends.  I am finally in the place of feeling mad-comfortable without clothes.   I used to refuse to look at my naked body in the mirror, and now I look to her with fondness and love.  Shower her with compliments and acceptance.  That alone is a miracle, so what does Tantra have for me next?  Woof, I can’t imagine.  But all systems go anyway.  It’s really starting to get fun in these parts.

I did my first Tantric ceremony this weekend, solo, building a mini-temple in my bedroom and practicing new meditation methods and body affirmations.  Lots of time spent naked, laying in front of a mirror, being with what is instead of what I want to be, body-wise.  And finding such a peace, such a vast amount of gratefulness, for the image that is reflected.  I saw how it wasn’t “me” that I was looking at, just this lovely house that has agreed to carry this energy for a duration.  Knowing that my body is the only thing that is mortal, I’ve suddenly felt such a softness for her, such a need to take good care and spoil her while I can.  Enough with the horrendous thoughts about her imperfections – we had over 3 decades of that.  Time to play a different game.

There’s a rightness to all these big shifts, a sense that I’m a tiny piece of popcorn about to explode to the next fluffy level.  There can’t be any knowingness of what that actually means, but all senses are buzzing with approval.  I’m right where I need to be, following the intuitive guidance system, and feeling my heart open more and more.  Knowing there is no “I”, only a We.  All of us, one masterful God, pretending to play separate games, pretending that there is anything other than divinity in our midst.  Silly humans.  We do love a good acting shenanigan.  But my favorite part – unraveling that game.  Full exposure.  All naked and shivering, starring into the light of what is – and isn’t.  

As a woman in this Tantric dance, I get to be the darkness.  The room by which the energy enters.  Woman is the environment in the sexual act, the part of the duo that holds the space and allows the light to enter.  There is no light without darkness – darkness is always there, holding court, wrapping its arms around illumination, and everything in between.  The space where everything and nothing dwells.  What an honor to hold that capacity, to get to own that knowingness as Orion and I see each other as Divine.  Not just in our minds, but with all of our beings.  I can’t think of any greater adventure – to use our bodies in order to leave our bodies.  Oooh, tingles.  

*Flittering away*. . . .

“If heaven and hell decide / that they both are satisfied

Illuminate the “no’s” on the vacancy signs,

If there’s no one beside you / when your soul embarks,

I will follow you into the dark.”

- Death Cab

Just in time for the new year, there are numerous endings, beginnings, and transformations.  Mostly, I am staring down the truth of my divine creations – and acknowledging that the being beyond my false sense of self has everything under control.  Go, that-girl.  Go go go.

Backstory time – what’s a blog without the details?

Pi is a controversial but sacred soul.  He’s reached enlightenment (I rather dislike the “reached” descriptor, because it was gifted rather than attained, but whatever – he’s There.)  He’s new to those spaces, however, and because he doesn’t fit the mold from which most of us craft our completely false sense of true self-realization, he’s a button pusher like no other.  I met him early this year at one of Orion’s events.  He immediately had a very positive effect on me (how many peeps can say THAT, Pi?)  But our second conversation – that’s when the party really started.

It was February 13th, day of the divine romance (so dubbed by Guruji P), and Z plus the ashram crew had arrived for a big enlightenment event.  Lots of folks came, including the beautiful fiancee of the man I was about to fall madly in love with.  I, however, was still fully with Z, and realllly committed to making the evening a huge success for him.  This was his night, his chance to share his toe-touch in the other world, and he was mad nervous as public speaking made him waddle and sweat.  The evening went quite well, however, and everyone stayed to socialize after the big speeches commenced.

Pi had some rather animated discussions with various members – a trend I would realize in the coming weeks.  He’s just aces at exposing and dismantling belief structures, so he’s rather like a human bug zapper – people gravitate around him, protest and argue, then either surrender to his rightness, or storm off in a huff.  Usually the latter.  Anyway, several folks had  had their fill of Pi – including Healer, who was completely flummoxed by Pi’s insistence that A) he was in fact enlightened and B) he had no big-huge-godlike-divine-world-changing-purpose.  Since this did not fit with Healer’s current “enlightenment picture”, the conversation had been heated.  But suddenly, there we were – Pi and myself – eyelocked on the couch, and immediately engaged in the most unexpected conversation.  The room had also mysteriously cleared out as we began to speak – everyone scampered off to the kitchen, except us.  He said words to me that were clearly, clearly channeled from outside his mind, and they were so spot on targeted to my innermost self, I was pretty much flattened by the intimacy.   The topic: Tantra.  Something I held a deep affinity for, but next to no knowledge – and Pi said some pretty out-there, but perfect for me, goodies.  Once our chat ended, Pi took his exit, and I was left feeling completely and totally altered.  An attempt to traverse the room ended in a near flop-over.  I was giddy.

And later that night, through a completely unplanned and totally cosmic conversation with Z, our relationship ended.  I had no memory then (or now) of how that happened, or what was said.  But he heard something in my words that I didn’t consciously put there – it was rather like the channeling Pi had done for me.  Z said to me, about 4 AM, during our really heated exchange – “Do I hear you breaking up with me?” And tearfully, yet  stoically, I said – “Yes.”

That was the boulder, sent rolling down the hill.  And today, another boulder was pushed off to follow. 

In the months since, Pi and I forged a deep but short-lived bond, then mutually accepted significant distance so that other connections might neatly form.  Both of us, actually, created a beautiful connection with Orion.  Orion became the love of my life, and one of Pi’s closest friends.  I bowed out of the intimacy out of respect for both men and honoring what felt right, but I’ll admit – ever since then, in growing doses, I have missed that Pi-connection.  We see each other alllll the time, so it’s not a withdrawal in that sense, but I knew what a profound teacher / friend he was / is for me, and my egoic self felt really jealous at the relationship I saw with Orion and Pi.  I had a sense of loss there without really understanding why.  Finally, in the last week, I acknowledged this to Orion, and this morning, did the same to Pi.  Why?  Because it’s time to change the game.

It all began on a couch with a chat about Tantra.  And early next year, Pi is starting a Tantra meet-up group — a group I’m more excited to attend than any other.  Patience has paid off.  I just trust that this is a wonderful next step for all involved.  The rightness of the timing, integrity, and true intentions of all involved is just mind-numbingly beautiful.  It has already meant that I should be so lucky as to grow even closer to both Orion and Pi.  I’m seriously spilling over with gratitude.

And as this all transpires, an ending has landed at my feet as well.  One I’m both shocked by, and completely un-surprised over.  Yes, both.  Shaman and part of the affectionate Dynamic Duo – the team I’ve been working with on Aya this last year – well, that’s a donesville chapter.  There’s no dramatic story around the why’s – it’s just time.  My heart said so.  I’m closing a door so I may clear space for my next mentor – one I can go even deeper into this process with.  Here and now, I am called to own these shamanic energies I have been gifted access to – not unlike the way Pi owns his Tantra wisdom.  I was not feeling that unfolding with D1.  But this isn’t the easiest of door-closes.  I literally just gave up my easy access to Ayahuasca. My shaman who made house calls.  I will finish up a promise to connect a current wave of seekers to him, but I won’t be attending – which, I’ll admit, hasn’t fully hit me yet.  Or rather, hit the emotional side yet.  But make no mistake, this is hardly the end of my Aya chapter.  I have a conference / workshop in March that just found me (literally five minutes before the falling out with past-shaman), and if that doesn’t lead me to the next connection, something else will.  Ayahuasca is already working on this with me, I can feel that.  So instead of lamenting a loss, I’m excited for a beginning that hasn’t (tangibly) begun.  How’s that for abstract?

There’s so much more happening, but these are the current heart-stamps.  Orion and I will be ringing in the new year together tomorrow, and we’re 1 week away from the “I met you exactly one year ago” marker.  Amazing.  That same day, we’ll be motoring down the highway to our 12 day silent meditation retreat.  Oh, the places we go.  And the love that we know.

No, it’s not just you – the blog has been on hiatus and unaccessible.  I made a few changes (new WordPress installation so that I may be omnipotent) but have been woeful about getting it back up to speed.  Apologies for the absence.  Not like it’s been too much of a depravation.  Right?  Don’t answer that.  

Hi there.  

I re-connected the other day with a wild child I met in the jungle on both my first and second trips to the Amazon.  He’s completely immersed in the plants now, and graciously invited Orion and I to visit him in Florida for Huachuma ceremonies.  I am so ready to deepen my relationship with San Pedro.  Ayahuasca herself has revealed my affinity for the grandfather wisdom, and I see myself facilitating ceremonies with the brew in the very near future.  The neurons are firing over the possibilities.  I am ecstatic at the future Ayahuasca adventures.  Today is the kind of day where I can’t stop saying thank you for the chance to go so far beyond my ego with the beautiful ancient practices.  I can feel in my bones the excitement I have to look forward to.  A golden thread in a sea of invisible tethers – I will be liberated.

More, soon – when things are back in digital order.  Until then, may all your moments be enlightening.

“When shall I be free?
When I shall cease to be.
No more I, but we…
In perfect harmony.”

- Shpongle

With no new shaman ceremonies to relay (next scheduled session is in October), it’s time to outline the implications of trandscendent deep dives.  Not all the outcomes feel favorable to the still-attached self.  But on closer inspection, it’s abundantly clear there is no such thing as an outcome that isn’t a blessing when looked upon by the observer POV.

This warrants a personal tale, involving family relations.  Or the lack thereof.

I have three brothers and a sister.  All half siblings, as we have one of those Brady Bunch type units.  I’m the youngest by a mile – which equals roughly 6 years away from the closest hermano, and about 14 from the oldest.  Not an infinitesimal gap.  Yet that didn’t matter much in the early years.  I loved those crazy cats.  Some were easier to bond with, others easier to fight with – but regardless, we held tight to the blood-adage, and at least I could truly classify them as family.  By the old definition, anyway.

Fast forward through the shamanism years, and I can’t deny a massive disconnect.  I’ve done my best to pretend this didn’t matter much, but honestly, I had been failing miserably for years now.

Let’s get real here.  I went to the Amazon, had a freaking earth-shattering awakening, and came back a genuine being.  The problem was, I hadn’t been anything close to genuine for eons, and the people that knew me the least were those wacky blood relatives (save perhaps mom, but she’s not in the conflict mix, so we’ll leave her out.)  So here I came, the new-old-real-yay me, spouting off my truths and bona fide obsession with those yummy sacred plants.

Family was not pleased.  They have stringent ethics that don’t involve altered states.  I get that.  I naively thought that, hey, we can agree to disagree – they don’t have to love the process, but surely they love me and all will be skippy-fine and we’ll just be great friends.  Tra-la-la.  Tra-la-wrong-answer.

So not only did I up and become a freaky plant-girl, I also had the gall to blog about it all.  Sibling eyeballs made their way to these public spaces, and it turns out my insides were downright ugly to them.  Ugh.  That hurt an unexpected amount.  I didn’t anticipate rejection from those I loved when I was finally fessing up.  And when those accusations landed, I wasn’t yet in the space to receive them as anything but attacks.  Once again, I chose the victim route – this would be my beautiful lesson.

Then Daddy died.  Damn him.  That stirred up the official meltdown, because it really outed me and my non-acceptable views.  I’ve written extensively here about the process of watching my father die in the course of 7 days, and what a blessed event it was, so more details aren’t necessary.  But ever since then, I’ve been an only child.  I don’t mean that in any boo-hooey sense, it’s just be a silent-filled sibling world.  Admittedly, I indulged in that way too much – the egoic view of being wronged by those mean big brothers and sister.  That is what I’m here to release.  I am here to say thank you and just walk away.

Last week, Orion, Hijo and I did something I had long since thrown on my “I will never do this list” (yes, I know, I should have known it was therefore inevitable) — we took a *vacation* to see my childhood home.  I grew up in the mountains of Montana.  In 16 years, I’ve been back twice — for funerals.  I vowed never to go back on any other terms – that place was as dead to me as my bond with my siblings.  But in a fateful twist, it turns out Orion’s stepdad lives only 10 miles away from the house I grew up in – so it seemed poetic.  Destined.  And dare I say, FUN.

We did have a blast.  My sunburn is still peeling, my ass is still holding the remnants of a horseback and ATV romp, and my memory bank is loaded with nostalgic moments and delicious adventures.  I adored meeting more of Orion’s family, and having our first vacation as a unit – Orion, myself, and 11-year old Hijo.  We could have gone anywhere and I would have been blissful.  Instead, we went back in time.

The only sibling that will still speak to me is Newt (his moniker in here – short for Neutral, his chosen stance on everything).  He’s closest in age to me, and we lived together for most of my childhood – I suppose you could say we know each other best because of maximum time spent together.  As such, Orion, Hijo and I trekked out to visit him during one of our vacation days, and all and all, it was lovely.  Innocent convo over grilled pork ribs and corn on the cob.  Breathtaking views of the Rockies.  Small talk that parlayed into. . .zingers.  Revelations.

It was the blogs that did me in.  And of course, I must blog about that.  Newt says the family read my account of Daddy’s death, and they disagree with what I recall.  I can easily fathom I misquoted some things.  It was a stressful time, and I don’t claim to have a photographic memory.  But I challenged Newt by saying – look, you’re not mad at me for misquoting our dying dad.  You’re mad because we don’t agree.  

In a nutshell, I was labeled blasphemous, and as I sat there and listened to all the many ways the family sees me, I realized many things.

1) I have no way to defend myself.  Because there’s nothing to defend.  My ego wanted to cry and scream and protest something fierce, but I found it easy to hold back – Newt thinks Ayahuasca and Huachuma must be drugs, therefore I am a hypocrite AND a druggie AND a liar, so they want nothing to do with me.  I can’t change what they do not know.  And honestly, I can see why they would feel the way they do.  It’s really not unreasonable with what little they have to go on.

2) On an egoic level, this is absofuckinglutely devastating.  I sourced a completely vicious pain in my shoulder / neck that night that Orion tried his best to massage away – but it kept me up and alert and emotional all night.  Symbolic of the sadness my emotional self was feeling – this necessary breaking away.  I must admit, I had such childish visions for so many years of having uber-close connections to my astranged familia.  I wanted to be a part of their precious little club.  But to do that,  realized in those moments I had to go back to being the fake, mask-wearing phony I was before the wake-up call.  That is just not an option.

3) I connected with the meaning of family, in the blood-sense.  They aren’t there to always have your back and to love you unconditionally.  We lie to ourselves when we say such things.  They’re there to be our mirrors and teachers.  And in this case, I am learning through separation.  There is no peace to be had here if I keep trying to force a bond — I’ll just keep stepping on grenades.  So in this sense, they have taught me to love myself more than anyone else ever could.  I know this isn’t a rejection of who I am, but of their distorted images and the pieces of themselves they have yet to learn to love.

And so it goes – I am letting go.  I can say I’m about 93% there.  It is perfectly ok if we never speak again.  It is perfectly ok if they live the rest of their lives viewing me as a villain — a misguided, unethical deviant.  Nothing I have ever done has made me more of myself than this quest to detach from my ego.  I guess it stands to reason that those people who still identify with theirs would see me as a danger.  Yes, I’ve felt more than a few stabs of remorse that my attachment to a happy little bonded family must go the way of a toilet flush.  Yet how fitting that this revelation should come on my first jaunt with the *real* family – my two beautiful boys.  The ones who know me best, because it’s not my ego they’ve attached to – it’s the authentic beaming light-filled self I am at my highest moments.

Sure, there may be a few more tears to shed, but I am surrendered.  I love those four no less, but I have nothing to prove.  And so the silence – I welcome her.  For the first time, that sentiment is finally real.

Darshan with Pranananda

This is only a test.
A fancy-fide version, anyway.
I’m researching auto-posting techniques from blog-to-social-whoring sites and this is my little guinea pig trial run.
I must admit, it feels nice to divulge the day to days, rather than throw my sometimes thwarted efforts into relaying the impossible – that is, describing an Ayahuasca ceremony. That task is very much like the first line in the Tao Te Ching – it basically states that that which can describe the Tao is not the real Tao.
I suppose the same could be said for my swirling insides, this ongoing quest to let go of my ego.

The other day, I came home from work to find a sheet of paper lying on Orion’s favorite seat in our master bedroom. In his adorable scrawl, I saw words that read: “All words are false. Therefore, the story of me is also false.”

It’s a hard thing for a diehard writer to really own – the idea that there is no real, tangible meaning in anything that can be said. Yet I cannot argue otherwise (and even if I did, it would be with words, which are. . .yes, dead and empty and non-existent! Isn’t enlightenment FUN? =D)

All right then, time to really test this out and see if my Facebook friendly eyeballs will actually gander in this direction. If so, I’ve solved that which my boss could not, and I’ll get a gold star.

Just as an aside, the shamanism excitement will return shortly. I have a pranayama event to relay, a magnificent cosmic encounter with Orion, and all the pre-ceremony stirrings centered around the August Ayahuasca event. It doesn’t stop and it doesn’t stop and it doesn’t stop.

An open letter to my spirit mother

I will be with you again tomorrow night. Our nineteenth dance, followed by the twentieth. There’s a corner in there. I am turning already.

I bring to you all of me – not just the select bits I’ve offered up in the past. It’s effortless with the painful parts – those are always the things I ask you to heal.
Migraines.
Asthma.
Self-hatred.
Fear of death.
Broken familial relationships.
Drug and alcohol addiction.
Severe depression and erratic mood swings.

You’ve taken them all and flicked them off me like lint. I should say we. This is a group effort. You, Don Rober, Howard, The Duo, myself – along with everyone I’ve shared the space with and everyone who’s cheered me on. There is no such thing as alone, in the quest for healing, or elsewhere.

This time, I’d like to bring you the things I don’t want to heal. Odd, that. But they are attachments, or at least, they represent the possibility of such, and I want no such thing. Yet the small “I”, the frightened little ego-self, she’s rather fond of life’s tapestries these days. She eyes them with a ferocious, protective stare, daring the world to place a paw on these prizes.
My heart, however, invites you into these sacred spaces. We humbly request that you snip away the curled claws, like tiny strings wrapped around a Christmas gift. It is understood that unless I can offer up my dearest treasures, I will eventually create the loss of them. And I will never reach the place of self-realization. There is no room for the divine in a being who builds walls and limitations. Mine have all been bulldozed. I’m letting the light in.

I give to you, then, all that I have amassed in this dream Vegas life. You brought me here, remember? I had no idea what I was doing, vetting off to the desert for a vision quest. But you showed me the old ways, how they ceased to serve me. You gave me the fire and strength and clarity to walk away from my perceived security, and into the gloriously dark unknown. For me, that meant leaving absolutely everything familiar. 13 years of my Hollywood life. Friends and libations and special watering holes and roads I knew how to navigate with my eyes sewn shut.

It wasn’t an easy transition. The loneliness I confronted felt crippling at first, but you were always there. You would pick me up and lead me to the alter when the breakdowns left me paralyzed. You would flash within me a glowing orb of bliss when I would swear I had fallen back into the abyss. You gently reminded me that everything was perfect, in all ways, and showed me how I had the resources to create everything I dreamt of.

Now. . .Now. Now is so beautiful. That I should know a fuller experience of Now is the first immense blessing. More of that, please – this incredible awareness. This willingness to see *everything* that is revealed.
And all these things I have in my reality – all these things I have sourced the power to dream into the waking life -
I give them to you. All of them. They are not mine to own.

The little house I bought in an impulsive rush – I don’t need it. I don’t even live there anymore.
The three cats I sometimes think I’d die without – they’re foolish, those thoughts I have. I willingly release these cherished beings to you, whenever they are called. I do not wish to keep them here for selfish reasons.
The magnificent job I enjoy so much, in the most entertaining industry. This office full of people my heart just adores. I will walk away in a heartbeat, the moment I hear the calling. Or I will stay for a lifetime, despite my ego’s judgments or protests. Whatever it is that defines my highest good – I accept.
The car, the clothes, the mansion I am living in, the endless list of stuff that has recently amassed – take it. Really. It’s yours, should I need to let it go. I have no claim to any of it.

And here are the big guns. I’m crying now, because of the profundity. Because of the sincerity. I don’t *want* to lose any of this, mind you, but I know you understand the sentiment. I have learned, as one Teacher says, to offer up my bliss like a string of pearls, and throw them onto the alter.
Well, here they are. That which I love the most.

The closeness I have with Mom these days – how amazing it is to have her just 90 miles away. The way in which we support each other, in all vibrations and spaces. I will sacrifice that, too, if you tell me that is Right.
The Guru, The Teacher, The Enlightened Friend – all those who have achieved that which I hold in the highest — if I never see them again, I won’t resist. I will just say thank you, in every conscious moment, for having them in my life at all. For everything they have gifted me.
The Best Friends – and God, is this an impressive list. LA angels I have left behind in the physical, but certainly not in the emotional / spiritual. And the Vegas souls that leave me awestruck and humbled. I have forged bonds here that should have taken years and more to solidify, but because of you, Ayahuasca, my heart just opens, and we just *are*. So incredibly close. But I would give them all up should the Universe request it. Not without a rainstorm, mind you, but the willingness is no less sincere.
Hijo. The stepson I have recently offered up my heart to. The beautiful being that has accepted, and given his in return. My newest teacher. The bond I never ever thought I’d actually know. Walking away would be staggeringly difficult, Aya, you know this. You showed me my maternal self, after all. But I know how fragile and fleeting every moment is. I know it may serve us both to separate, in an instant. Should that transpire, I will obey. You have my word.
And yes, there is Orion. He is Love. Responsible for helping me to know more joy, more ecstatic, unified oneness than any other being I have shared my true self with – my true and present Partner. What don’t we share? It’s endless, and yet, we really are ok with an ending. Whatever awaits, we welcome it. I will not lie to you, I choke on the idea sometimes, I feel breathless at the maybe loss of him, but it’s all because of my willingness. This surrender, she is a floodgate for me. Because I’m actually tapping into what love is. Loving myself enough to honor what is best for all, in every moment. This is not ownership, or possession, or a fearful lockdown. I am grateful for every moment of our togetherness. I am present with this Love. Whatever the future holds, I am thrilled to welcome it.

So, thank you, so much, for the infinite transformations you have already gifted me with. You are patient when I need it, strong and defiant when I won’t back down, and always, always loving and protective. Just like a mother. I love the part of me you represent. It’s the highest self I have access to. I will never stop giving you gratitude.

See you tomorrow, my lady. I’ll be the one with the open arms, full to the brim with offerings. Take whatever you see fit. I will love you all the more.

Ready and willing,
me

Two days from now, I will be falling back into the cosmic, healing embrace of Mother Ayahuasca. I am no stranger to shamanic journeys, to soirees with the helper plants, and yet, I’m back into the space of knowing next to nothing. There’s a clean slate glowing behind my mind’s eye, and it’s waiting for just a few dribbles of clarity. A sense of knowing sourced straight from my heart, not filling up the head that thinks she’s full, but is perpetually empty.

I can now say, unequivocally, that I’ve devoted my life to the ultimate ego-shed. 2 1/2 years ago, when Z and I met, I first learned what enlightenment met – the beginning of the unfolding. He was on the quest, clearly, and I found it so fascinating. I placed a pedestal beneath those who sought the same, and especially those who had already reached the pinnacle. And I thrust myself so far below, I didn’t even hold the possibility for myself.

It was the combination of Ayahuasca and Huachuma / San Pedro that gave me my most treasured awakening. I remember sitting on top of El Brujo – the life-giving, feminine powered pyramid – gazing out across the magnificent landscape. Inside my head, the dialogue between higher-self and ego ensued. The spirits had cornered me – asking why it is that I thought enlightenment was not possible for me. The questions unfolded with gentle intensity, and my arguments kept breaking down.
Then it came to me. Like a flash of blue light from a far away lighthouse. My ego had led me to believe it couldn’t happen to me, because, of course, it would mean the death of her. But as I came to realize that I am not my perceived identity – that I am, in fact, all aspects of God – there was no other logical conclusion. I, too, can self-realize.

In that same ceremony, I found myself tracing the footsteps of prisoners from 3,000 years before. They had walked within El Brujo’s life-taking pyramid, where I now traipsed – the last moments of their lives. I tried to reconcile how we humans take our own lives, again and again. It’s always suicide, no matter who kills who. And why? Why this deadly dance? Why haven’t we learned a bloody thing in all these thousands of years?

Because so many of us believe in the illusion. This became so clear to me. We believe in the identities built within our egos. That we are our nations, our families, the definitions we hold about who we are and what we do and why we do it. And what we BELIEVE in – our favorite attachments.
That’s all poppycock. We are none of those things. We are ALL of those things, yes, but they aren’t what defines us. What defines, really – if you had to boil us all down into one collective ingredient – it would be love. The great white light. The only real thing that lives inside us. And the very thing our egos work so immensely hard to keep us from.
Why? Because the ego can’t control love. When we own this divinity, all that perceived control just washes away.

Now that’s a dream I will never stop spinning inside this radiant reality.

This weekend, I’m blessed to be back inside the circle that feels most familiar to me – Ayahuasca. Shamanism. In my current home, with my friends and loved ones. Purging out the painful parts of ourselves, so that our love and light can surface, and become all that we know.

Last time, I let my ego run the show. I let her battle for supremacy, trying so hard to dictate what would and would not happen in these ceremonies. Where we would and would not go. What we would and would not feel. In the end, I faced the most painful, miserable, soul-ripping night of my life. Dark night of the soul indeed. All because I wanted it my way. And what a shitty way THAT is.

This time – THIS time. . .
I am raw and humbled, slack-jawed and limp. I am my heart. I will walk up to the alter on Saturday night to take my next dose, and I will do so without walls and agendas. With trust and faith that Ayahuasca and the higher realms will lead me right where I need to be. None of this bargaining crap I tried before. I will just be. And wherever I am taken, I will go with willingness and reverence. I will love my way through every presented experience. And if I’m able to drop any or all pieces of my ego, all the better. Whoever she thinks I am, I know I am not.

No more illusion. I’m ready to see – and be – nothing but light.

“Enlightenment is not imagining
figures of light but making
the darkness conscious.”
Carl Gustav Jung

Ayahuasaca ceremonies #19 and #20 are just 2 weeks away.
Just 2 weeks, that’s all I have to prepare, to get centered, to declare my intentions, to face my demons, and to do my best to fully surrender to the process. I wasn’t pious enough during my last journey with her, and I’m immensely humbled this time – gratefully so. I think a part of me (read: the controlling little ego) figured that since I’m such a veteran, being lax on the diet and what not wouldn’t do much harm. And while I don’t actually blame some dismissal of such things for my deep dive into the darkness, I know it didn’t help.

Now – today – I am not a shaman. I am not in any way an expert on Ayahuasca or shamanism. I am just a girl with a calling to know more of myself, and blessed enough to know the path and the people who can help take me there. That feels like such a stronger place to be than the borderline know-it-all who jumped in the last go-round. I am very confident this will help yield even more profound results. In any event, man am I glad I got knocked off that pedestal. The view is much better down here.

The maya-world has been extraordinary as of late. Orion won a court case that’s granted him 50% custody of Hijo, his magnificent, truly Indigo 10 year old son. Every other week, we’ll be a family – fully focused on the well being of a luminous young life. Every other week, Orion and I will refocus fully on ourselves, our healing, our growth. And in every moment, the bond between the two of us just keeps getting deeper. Even still, I feel myself detaching more and more too, which feels so *right*. I don’t live in fear of this vulnerability I have with him. I’m really only aware of how much I love him, and how grateful I am to have every minute we share. Man, this is so magical. I can’t wait to share more of this with Hijo, and to see the ways in which he will continue to be my teacher as well.

The week has not been without its losses – I walked away from a 1.5 year bond with two souls that have a gorgeous vision for a new business venture, but one I found did not serve me, despite my love for them and the incredible humanity the project encapsulates. Those are the hardest ones to turn away from – scenarios that seem so page-perfect, so aligned with the universal greatness, but they just aren’t right for *you*. Or in this case, me. I was not fond of the ways in which it hurt the men I adore, but the decision was clearly heart-sourced, as once I made it, I felt the yes-ness of it flowing through me.

Last night, Orion and I went out to dinner, toasting the incredible success of the day, and the joy we have in every aspect of our Now. At the end of dinner, when just a few sips of champagne remained, he scampered over to sit next to me (our favorite way to dine) – and as our foreheads pressed together and he dug into me with his radiant blue sparklers, I felt within the greatest surge of love I have ever known. Truly. And it wasn’t just an “I love this man,” although make no mistake, that was a huge piece of the smitten pie. I also felt intense love for myself, for Hijo, for all the many, many incredible beings in my life, and of course, God / the Universe as well. The oneness shined back as I gazed at Orion’s reflection. And I was reminded of something my Guru said to me just a handful of months ago -
Kitty, what do you know about love? You don’t even know how to love yourself.

How thrilling to see / feel / know that this is changing.
My next dance with Ayahuasca – that’s what we’ll be going for. A complete shift into self-love. Which I know will just spread me through the cosmos.

Now excuse me while I scoot off to SoCal, visit the Guru, Z, Sister-Friend, Best Friend, Gay Husband, Wonder Twin, and the Healer. Adventure awaits.

“So if i die today
i’ll be the happy phantom
and i’ll go wearin’
my naughties like a jewel
they’ll be my ticket
to the universal opera
there’s judy garland
taking buddha by the hand
and then these seven little men
get up to dance
they say confucius
does his crossword with a pen
i’m still the angel
to a girl who hates to sin”
- Tori, of course

I owe you a few more Ayahuasca posts – there’s so much to unravel about the recent shaman visit, and yet I’ve been sucked into the vortex of an insanely beautiful life experience, so the blogs have fell silent. I’m grateful for a chance to connect today. There’s a thing or two to share.

I’ll spill the actual ceremony details soon, but I’m struck these days by one very clear vision in particular – that of motherhood. Two years ago, when I took on the Huachuma journey through northern Peru, we stopped at a place called El Brujo (which means “The Shaman”). The site features an old temple from the Moche tribe, a pyramid referred to as the “life giving vortex”, as it carries a phenomenal feminine energy – fertile and ripe and gorgeously powerful. I meditated on the top of the structure, soaking up the magnificent surges, and pondered why it is I had resisted the idea of having children my entire life. I got cracked open, so to speak, and found it wasn’t the usual suspects – I had tried to pretend I hated children. That was a lie. I had tried to pretend I would be a horrible mother. That was a lie too. No, it was simply not my current calling, and came out of my own fear – of how powerful and divine and transforming I could be. As a mom, that is. I owned that, accepted whatever might come, and felt the feminine part of me finally awaken.

In the months / years since, I have not changed my resolve. My knowing. It is not my destiny to give birth – despite these beyond-perfect child-bearing hips. I’ve always embraced the idea of being a foster mom (“No one under 10!” being my battle cry), but again, that’s been a “Some day / a long way away” scenario.

So when, during this last shamanic symphony, Ayahuasca dove in with more visions of my maternal qualities, I felt no shock and awe this time. She spiraled around my energies a hundred or so faceless children, sending the message “You are a mother” repeatedly into my consciousness. I accepted this, with no expectation of anything changing in my default world. I saw it as an energetic declaration – that I am / would be a caretaker. That because I was no longer a child myself – neither in the illusion of time, nor in the soul-sense – I would be called upon to channel this part of myself.

Back in the default world, I have been living a dream life. Orion has transformed into the most ideal partner I could ever conjure – every day, every moment, I fall more into a deep sense of love and respect for him. We are equals in our giving nature, equals in a quest to ascend, equals in our affections and energies – the list is literally endless. I love him with every thread of my being, and I see and feel that love reflected back in everything he says and does. Yes, that leaves me thread-bare and vulnerable. I have no defenses. I have ripped open the softest parts of myself and exposed every last secret and once-protected corner. But I have never felt safer. The Universe has me wrapped in her cocoon. I have trusted this implicitly and it’s led me to a shockingly deep, reciprocated bond.

Orion has a ten-year old son — I’ll call him Hijo (“son” in Spanish) — an incredible light-filled being I fell in love with from the get-go. He’s lived with his mom since the divorce, right down the road from O, and father + son see each other often. They have a beautiful bond. I’ve been blessed enough to have a couple hang-out sessions with the boys, and even remarked once that being with them felt more like home than anything else I’ve known. Shocking, in a sense, as I never saw myself as someone who would crave the experience of being in the life of a ten-year-old, but this one is different. He’s had my heart since word one. In part because I’m so in love with his father, but most notably because of who heis. I just felt it.

Three days ago, Orion arrived at my doorstep with salmon tacos and a serious gaze. Something had shifted. I knew he had just returned from a talk with his ex-wife, presumably about legal issues. Yet I felt a strong urgency – an undeniable heaviness. He challenged me right off – guess what just happened, he said. And then guess again. Until you get it right.

I felt a wave of energy, and a thought landed, strong and clear. I started to say it, then stopped, thinking – no, that seems too unlikely. But my instincts took over and I spit out my prediction.

- You’re getting full custody of your son.

He dropped his jaw and then confirmed it.
And as I looked across at the man I loved, another shift occurred. Everything changed. . .yet again.

His ex-wife needs to leave. She has her own crisis to handle, and she selflessly recognized that she’s not in a state to be who she needs to be as a mother. I respect this so much. But it means O is the last parent standing – for now, and for an undetermined period of time.

And just three days earlier, we lay entangled in a Miami hotel room, joyfully discussing how great it is to not have full-time children.

Now, we joyfully processed how great it would be to have a full-time son.

We went through all the ways in which this impacted us. What it could mean. Where I would take it. How I felt, and he felt, and where it left the whole scenario.
A big decision, yes. Maybe my biggest – it’s hard to say. And yet, the answers were effortless. I felt connected to the inner voice, unequivocally, realizing in one mad rush how I had been led to this moment.
Orion is a pilot. He’s gone for several days at a time, jetting off to Asia and Australia and other exotic locales, doing his job. I saw myself in an instant, during such times, cooking dinner. Driving Hijo to school. Making sure teeth are brushed and jammies are on and video games are shut off and goodnight hugs have been taken care of. I saw myself. . .as a mom.

I could never be a replacement, and it will be up to Hijo to determine exactly who I will be to him. But I am deeply, deeply honored to have any role at all, to be there in any capacity he declares that he needs. My eyes well up with tears when I think about how beautiful it will be to cook the boys dinner, to kick their asses in video game showdowns, to watch movies and take mini-vacations and cuddle up on the couch for hug-fests.
I never knew I had this in me – this beautifully human desire to play that mom-role. I am surrendered as to how this will all ultimately transpire, as I’ve learned enough to expect the unexpected. What I’m most effected by, however, is how willing I am to erase the old “I am not a mother” identity and be whomever I’m called to be.

All I know is – this is my dharma. My divine calling. To be here now, for Orion and Hijo, immersed in a magnificent passion play. My lessons and their lessons have perfectly entwined, and I can honestly say there isn’t two other people on this planet I’d rather be dancing with. I’m in the Absolutely Perfect Place. They are luminous miracles, love-teaching prophets. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.

I’ll be back soon to relay part two of the 17th ceremony, and the miracles of ceremony 18 – without which, there’s just no way I’d be where I am right this moment. I freaking love this poetry.

The Magnificent Orion

It’s time to out myself. For a few weeks now, there’s been a seething, beautiful truth that’s been kept under the folds of inquiries, tucked down inside the feathery embrace of a sacred little secret. I have fallen in love.

It’s never been the case before that my heart should tumble and I would keep it mum. Yet this bond necessitated discernment from the get-go. So much so, I didn’t really know myself what was transpiring until the veil dropped in dramatic fashion and I saw myself eye-locked with an angel. One who could see through me – the real me – and reflect back the newfound love I have felt for myself. There is nothing – nothing – more magical. To see the love you have for yourself mirrored back to you in the eyes of another. It’s amazing, really, how much I feel for this being. Orion. The star chasing, larger-than-life partner that has suddenly lit up my life.

What a couple of months it has been. When Orion and I first were thrown together, we had mutually magnificent lives – two already beaming souls. Both of us in loving relationships with other incredible people. And as such, we honored what was – our budding friendship, and mutual support in maintaining our beloved relationships. There was no behind-the-scenes plotting – we loved each other as passionate, committed beings and found an instant and respectful rapport.

The game changed, however, in a manner that still leaves me dizzy and dazed – albeit smiley. I didn’t ever, ever expect that we would suddenly be together, in every sense of the word. I branched out on my own to find more of myself – a quest that will continue in earnest. Last week, Orion found his freedom too – and at the same time, found his way to me. I see in him a true equal, dedicated to the exact same path of ascension. We are on the same word of the same page of the same blissful book, and I truly feel like the most blessed individual sailing across the cosmos. He supports all the many intricacies I am uncovering within, and I adore every aspect of his evolving spirit as well. We are innocent, glowing children disguised as responsible adults – loving our dichotomies, and everything we share. Which is everything.

So yeah, I’m really, really happy. And Ayahuasca is just two days away. I’ll have Sage to my right, Orion to my left, and my queen back inside every cell. Where she leads me next. . .I am going without resistance. And with so, so much love to share.