The problem with deeply personal tell-all blogs is that if you don’t update them regularly, and you have one of those turbo, everything-happens-everyday lives, it’s tough to know where to pick up again from after even the teeniest of hiatus.  Alas, it’s been exactly three months, and keeeeriste, I’m overwhelmed with things I’ve gotta spill.

There’s Peru.  A three week Huachuma-filled journey.  But that will have to be in zee next send-off, because that’s just not the Now.  It impacted and changed the Now, as every moment does and doesn’t, but it’s not what is currently flowing. . .

What is in the mind’s eye is family life.

I dropped off Hijo and his stepbrother Teller (he reminds me so much of Teller from Penn and Teller, so goes the moniker) this morning at school, and then promptly bursted out with a “OMG I HAVE KIDS!” exclamation.  There’s a whole new sense of love and respect inside me now that I am MARRIED – it’s really hard to describe, and was impossible to anticipate.  I wake up every morning with Orion and say “Good morning Husband – I love you.” And when he calls me Wife, my toes curl and my eyes well up.  And yet, nothing else has changed.  I still egoically fear losing him – that’s not something I dwell on, but the ego is aware she has not “won”.  There is no safety, no resting on laurels – marriage to us means a declaration of how much we love each other, not a promise that we’ll tolerate the other’s unconscious behaviors.  We are still the now-focused couple, holding each other to the standard of greatness, and mirroring back those blasted distortions.  Yet the universe feels different to me now – I’m more in integrity with what this man and his amazing son mean to me, and now they know it too.  Everyone does.  That means something, in a relative sense, and I’m giddy to be in the experience of this reality.

This also means that I am now officially a pilot’s wife.  A few year’s back, I remember joking about how I’d rather have unlimited travel benefits that a huge pile of cash to spend on travel, as that was far less stress.  Way to manifest, kitten-girl, way to manifest.  I am now free to move about the world.  Literally.  And we’ve already done so – I joined Orion on a flight he flew to Shanghai over Thanksgiving.  Hearing his voice on the intercom, I welled up with thoughts of “Husband”, 33,000 feet above the world.  I tallied up in my noggin the estimated amount of air travel I’ve had the incredible fortune of enjoying this year – it’s gotta be close to $100k.  And I’m just getting started.  I shall enjoy this gift to the fullest, and write about every adventure – try and share and articulate the way the world looks from every angle, in every corner.  Sometimes my head gets in the way with ponderings of worthiness, or of “how did this happen” woes, but mostly I just receive this fortune with huge freaking bursts of enthusiasm.  We’re planning a trip to Ireland for a belated honeymoon – that’ll be the first “vacation”, outside of the jaunts I take when Orion flies the plane, that we have in the works.  I always intend to keep my eye on the next destination – that’s the gift of freedom.  It doesn’t get any better for a double air sign.

And here we are, nearing the end of another year – so dubbed the “Year of Adoration” by Pranananda, one of my most cherished spiritual teachers.  Man is that ever appropriate.  As I’ve gotten very serious about the task of falling in love with myself, that has naturally opened up the well of infinite adoration for all those around me, and way way beyond.  It’s also opened up the next round of intimacy issues – and alas, there are still a-plenty.  I froze up at a rolling party just recently, actually – surrounded by beautiful, judgment free folks who just wanted to embrace my being, and instead, I closed down and fled, in a figurative sense.  There is still work to be done with respect to openness.  I still get fucking terrified of balls to the wall intimacy, and I can’t say I really know the whole story why.  I’m also very aware of continuing body image issues, and self-destructive tendencies.  So those get the spotlight yet again.  But with love and compassion this time – not the usual barrage of negative internal banter – that voice that prefers to yell and chastise my every move, rather than make space for all those emotions, and their ever-present counterparts.  Being married helps this all – ego loves being a wife, and takes comfort in what that communicates.  How much Orion loves her / me – well, that helps give us courage to go deep and heal.

Future dates with Huachuma and Aya promise to help unravel these layers all the more, but I won’t wait for those to get busy.  It’s all in the here and now, always always.  Just writing these words helps illuminate the truths all the more, always always.  So good to be back.

Next time, there’s the big Peru update, the last weeks of the Apprenticeship, the big across-town move – man, things never slow down, eh?  Not that we’d want them to.

I’ve made no qualms about how much I love my fantabulous partner Orion from word one – in here, and out in the world.  Meeting him felt immediately enchanting and auspicious, and the only thing that’s surprised me about how true this has become is the absolute infinite level of WOW factor this relationship has.  It really is the quintessential “I love him more every day” type of union.  He gets cuter by the second, more intriguing by the moment, and more treasured with every breath.  Seriously.  That’s not even flowery rhetoric.  But the idea of *marrying* him still felt ghastly and unnecessary – up until about 10 days ago.

Orion and I had talked marriage before, but in a “ewwwww” focused tone.  We’re both divorced, and not in the least bit eager to go through that process again.  I’ve always had big issues with the way society defines marriage anyway, and have never felt that “fairy tale” pull.  I got married the first time around to someone I loved very dearly, but in a youthful, “why not?” kind of impulsive way.  Less than four years later, things were finito.  And I vowed to never say vows again.  (My first mistake, clearly).

Orion is in the same boat, but for different reasons.  In the end, though, we have never felt pulled to the alter, because we never could see the point of it.  Why bother?  We refuse to make any promises outside of what the present moment holds.  Yet as much as we both dismiss the idea of holding on to past stories, we were clearly holding on to tales of what marriage has meant to us. . .in the past.  Something clicked 10 days ago to help us see that perhaps surrendering into what was unfolding (our very favorite past time) might instead be a more fruitful path.

We had just returned from a weekend jaunt to Australia, where Orion flew the big ole plane.  It was a dream trip – 28 lightning fast hours in Sydney, filled with opera house moments, magnificent food, and just an overall fantastic time.  The next morning, we were handling our respective duties, and in he came (to my office) for a chat.  Previously that weekend, we had agreed to file for domestic partnership status via his airline, so I could receive all the benefits possible.  It turns out that process was loaded with hoops – all kinds of ridiculous things to prove we were actually linked (joint credit cards, wills, you name it).  Meh.  We were determined to get past the system, however, so we started making plans for how to tackle each requirement.

Then Orion came back into my office with the strangest vibe.  He started out by saying “This is gonna sound crazy, but. . .” and I could just feel,l hear, sense, taste his beautiful, sincere heart.  I had NO idea what was coming, but he certainly had my attention.  He finished by saying “. . .I think we should just get married.”

I plopped my head on my desk and gasped / giggled / freaked out.  MARRIED?  Weren’t we against that?  And if that was true, why did we both feel so GIDDY at the prospect?

We explored this option in depth for many minutes.  In the end, we were clutching each other’s hands, teary-eyed, giggly, and all kinds of GOING FOR IT.  The door of possibility had opened, and we just melted into the portal.  We realized that of course we could define marriage to mean exactly what it DOES mean between the two of us – not what society has to say.  Of course we can.  We do that with just about everything.  There was no need to “beat” the system – we simply needed to drop our stories, and surrender into what our souls were asking for.  Doing so felt / feels so freaking fabulous, I just don’t have the words.

And so we went about telling all our friends and family – again, naively thinking it would likely be a small affair, but of course we’d invite all our loved ones just in case.  We picked Halloween as The Day, mainly because we loved the symbolism – it’s the one day that everyone acknowledges they are playing a role, even though we’re very mindful those roles are playing out every moment, always shifting – and we just loved the idea of a costumed wedding.  Within days, our inbox and voicemail lit up with loved ones all across the country, each planning to make the trek.  I guess the allure of wedding / Halloween / Vegas is just too much for most to pass up, and we couldn’t be more honored and thrilled.  This is going to be epic.

We’ve got a hefty amount to do between now and the big day, and a 2 1/2 week Peru trip tucked in the middle of that time too.  It’s going to be a wild ride, but it always is with this partner of mine.  Somehow, we’ve fallen on a recipe that just *works* – integrity, self-awareness, a shared vision for true liberation, and the agreement to be with what is, in every moment, and not enforce a clingy sense of “you must stay with me” nonsense on each other.  That, and we’re just bat shit about each other.  It’s magical, and I can think of no better way to honor this beautiful dance than to have a big old celebration with all our favorite people.  We’ll be dressed as Shiva and Shakti – the god and goddess of creation, life, emotion, and all that is.  Fitting and perfect and so way beyond any fairy tale I could have ever conceived of.

It’s fun eating humble pie.  Especially when it results in such a volcano of blissful revelation.  Marriage, bring it on.  I’m ready to chuck all my previous fearful notions, and all the ridiculous conventional pressure and societal sentiment, and create something that works for the two of us, in every moment.  So if you don’t have any Halloween plans, I suggest you come join us for a unique and festive wedding soiree.  Just be prepared for a hell of a lot of sappiness.  It’s true we’re normally cool-as-cucumber Aquarian types, but on THIS day – all rules are broken.

I’m alone tonight – gloriously so.  Orion is flying a trip to Shanghai.  I zipped through a very fun radio interview with Healer this evening on the MetaMystic Radio Show, of which I am now a biweekly co-host.  Been up late working on documentation for the next ZuCamp release, and drinking a bit of wine.  Pandora, of course, has been running in the background, making me gleeful with its targeted selections.  Pandora knows me so well now.  And right at the bitter end, it was nice enough to play The Song – the one I’m just batshit about right now.  A mini anthem of sorts.

The Airborne Toxic Event – Sometime Around Midnight.  Christ all mighty, this is a fucking song.  I’ve listened to it – oh, what, 10 times in a row now?  Found a video of the band playing it on Letterman on YouTube.  Bloody brilliant.  It’s definitely an obsessive song.  By that, I mean – those of us that love it. . .well, we’re freaky about it.  I tend to gravitate to such things, unconsciously.  And this got me thinking.  What is it about such things that make us get so riled up and rabid?

The song is absolutely heartbreaking.  Musically and lyrically, it packs a serious melancholy punch.  In the old days, I realllllly loved this stuff – these kind of songs were just like a really potent bottle of absythne or a killer tab of acid.  Bright Eyes and Tori Amos and Fiona Apple and all the really sullen, channeling, passionately pained peeps – I loved them ever so.  They took me on a ride of indulgence, escapism, and a chance to FEEL – but in a safe way.  Someone else’s emotions, really.  Someone else’s heartbreak.  That’s an illusion of course, it’s ALL our heartbreak, but that’s the game our minds play when they latch on to such things.

Today, tonight. . .I listen to the lead singer’s strained, emotional, destroyed little voice, and I just love him.  Most poignantly, I love the emotion behind his sincerity.  I love it because it’s mine.  Songs about love gone wrong are the norm.  Always have been.  We love everyone else’s heartbreak.  I ascertain these days it’s because, deep down, we love our own heartbreak.  I sure as hell do.  Not necessarily in the moment *sheepish grin* but certainly after the fact.  There’s nothing more in-the-moment, more primal and ALIVE, then those times when our hearts just positively fall apart.  It’s as if those are the only truly authentic moments – when we let down our guard, the stories we imminently carry, and take the time to unleash the beautiful beasts that we truly are.  It’s vulnerability at it’s finest.  It’s so goddamn beautiful.

I used to be a serial monogamist, addicted to the falling in / out of love game.  And with every failed relationship, I let my heart break in dramatic fashion.  Many criticized this process, branding me things like a drama queen.  On one level, that was all true.  On a deeper level, I was dancing with the divine.  God flows throw me the deepest when I just let go, and when the pain of heartbreak railroads me into submission, there is no other path.  I suspect that’s pretty damn universal.  This is why the screeching of lyrics like “You just have to see her, you just have to see her, you know that you’re breaking in two” make so many of us swoon to the point of a pass-out.   Although our relative selves rarely admit it, these are often our favorite moments.  We talk about them, we write about them, we compose songs about them. . .we are them.  More so than the robotic make-believe roles we act out 99% of the time.

This is not to say that authenticity only wears a sad face.  I challenge the notion that these moments are really all that sad anyway.  Yes, in the moment, sometimes they feel unsurvivable – totally overwhelming.  Many a suicide has been facilitated, seemingly, by a broken heart.  But the truth is, broken hearts don’t kill us – the stories around them do.  When we add on a layer of “I can’t live without him” or “This pain is too much for me” – that becomes reality.  The next time you hit this intense emotional place – be it from a failed relationship, the death of a loved one, or just a crazy strain of life circumstances, add in a different story for the event.  Tell yourself – “This will transform me” or “Thank God I get to feel so fucking deeply” or “Finally, finally I get to go into this pain and heal.”

Last week, I let my heart break.  After being around Zen, and watching him battle a potentially fatal bout with cancer, mortality came knocking again.  I watched the pain play out with Orion – consciously or not, we were reacting to this powder keg.  And when my beloved partner and I hit a massive wall of conflict, I escaped to feel.  This time. . .this time, even in the middle of this horrendously painful passion play, I found the part of me that loved it.  Loved the opportunity to drop the facade of “control”, and show a little seemingly out-of-control emotion.  I say seemingly because, it’s very controlled.  In the same way nothing is controlled (man do I love a paradox!)  I loved the opportunity to, as Best Friend would say, Breakdown and Break Through!  Which is exactly what transpired.

I remember, now fondly, my last mind-blowing heartbreak.  The last one I felt while still partially emerged in the illusion of thinking it’s all what it seems / real.  It was gifted to me right as I started awakening to this game.  I had just returned from my first trip to the Amazon, where Ayahuasca had worked to illuminate many of the ways in which I was shutdown and blind.  She had also communicated that the man I was ridiculously in love with – my one and only Seeker – was in fact in a severely narcissistic and toxic phase, and that I would do best by exiting stage left.  IMMEDIATELY.

I had processed this request with sincerity, and was ready to do the deed.  But he had returned from a lengthy stay in Peru, and had come back in a horrific space.  Suicidal, ranting, pain-filled and needy.  I had done what I loved to do with him – put myself last and do anything to assist.  He is / was a glorious being, this Seeker.  So I tried to play the old role of what I deemed a good and worthy girlfriend.

We went to lunch on a Sunday.  It was conflicting and painful in many ways.  We were disconnected, he was angry at what was happening to him – confused by all the very profound revelations he had received in his shamanic adventures.  As was I, but I allowed mine to be diminished in light of his stories – he needed the spotlight.  He always seemed to, but that’s because I was always willing to give it.  We then jetted off to a day time clubbing event where all my friends would be.  I tried to play the role of the dutiful girlfriend, but the newfound authentic fire within was steering me away.  She was seething at his disrespect, his selfishness, his lack of concern for my well-being.  And I was, in part, angry with her – this awakened self that was trying to ruin my love affair. To make me face things I didn’t “think” I was ready for.

After a few hours, watching Seeker get more and more spiteful as the ecstasy that should have melted him made him more callous, the strong girl within finally won.  I feigned an illness and asked for a ride home.  It would be the last time we would see each other.

That next day, I sent him the breakup note.  He lashed out at me in the worst possible way – since I had let him into the insides, he had ample ammunition, and he used every weapon at his disposal.  I wallowed in the most wretched space for three days.  I didn’t leave my bed.  I shutout every last offer of help.  I fantasized about slitting my wrists and disappearing into the ocean.

All the while, the awakened strong one drank up this heartbreak. It was my biggest one, and something told me it would never be like that again.  So I indulged.  And I’m so glad I did.  I let my heart break for every time I resisted such things as well.  At times, I judged myself for the intensity.  Seeker and I hadn’t had that long of a run.  Part of me dictated that this was a mountain out of a molehill.  But somewhere along the way I figured out it wasn’t about him anyway.  Sure, I questioned my actions – what had he really done to deserve this abandonment?  Well, it turns out, he had done plenty.  He had even slept with another woman during our Peru adventure.  I would find that out later – which would give fuel to the tangible reasons.  But those really aren’t the whole story anyway.  Barely even a sliver, really.  This was all about me.

What was happening was simple – I was waking up.  And to do so, for me personally, I had to go through the shadow and darkness, and come out shedding my skin and starting brand new.  I trust I am hardly alone in this journey.  Today, I love Seeker all the more.  I am so, so grateful that he was the catalyst to my awakening.  Through the perceived pain of our separation, I popped my head out of the illusion and found a deeper level of reality.  My instincts were validated.  I got a chance to stand for myself without knowing why.  And I finally really got to shine a light on that destructive self.  All SUCH good things.

Without that heartbreak, I wouldn’t have the beautiful bond I have with Orion.  I wouldn’t have stepped out of the role of my victim stories.  And this is precisely why I think many of us consciously or unconsciously love a good old fashioned heartbreak.  It’s a chance to really get to the heart of what is.  To use the story of the illusion to access the truth of the experience.  Why else would failed love songs be so bloody popular, if deep down we didn’t LOVE the experience of a broken heart?  On the outside, it looks like morbid torture, a really bad time.  But deep down, those of us that survive them – we wouldn’t give them up for all the giggly love-fests in the world.  I’m in a giggly love-fest now – which would never, ever have been possible without the string of Seekers that played that game with me.

Aw, music.  That one passionate, authentic, raw and delicious tune could spur such a tirade of truth.  All righty then, it’s been fun.  I bid thee goodnight.

“And so there’s a change
In your emotions
And all of these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind
Of the curl of your bodies, like two
perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless, and
homeless, and lost in the haze
of the wine. . .”

It’s hard to believe a year has almost passed since Orion and I officially merged.  We went to dinner last night with some dear friends of his – friends we hadn’t seen for almost the same amount of time.  A full year.  With that acknowledgment, Orion looked at me and commented “Wow, we were barely just dating when last we saw them.”  There was a sense of relief in his voice, a humorous “look how far we’ve come” tone, and I felt much of the same.  For me, it’s in many ways a gigantic relief that a year has passed.  Our early days were incredibly intense and jarring, as a lot of endings had to transpire for our beginning to merge.  We had / have a lot on the line, having sacrificed a great deal.  Likewise, we’ve both submerged ourselves in the world of vulnerability – these are dynamic, promise-less spaces where anything can and does transpire.  So to have lasted a year – to have emerged from those wildly erratic and beautiful beginnings to land within the realms of a bona fide, rock-solid bond – yeah, that’s good stuff.  I’m wiping sweat from my brow now.  I remember that-me in those early days; I had such a bright-eyed wonder about what the hell we were doing.  If we’d make it a month, let alone a year.  If things were really what they seemed with us – so connected, so madly-in-love, so willing to play this game with integrity and depth.  And, of course, our verbalized handshake agreement that our spiritual paths were always, always first.  We didn’t know what that would mean for the relationship itself.  We still don’t, entirely.  It means we don’t know, in a nutshell.  And that’s been a difficult, fulfilling, frightening, insanely rewarding path thus far.

It’s not just relief I feel in marking our first official year.  In this current ego-driven yet observer-fueled space I’m in, there’s a definite dose of trepidation.  Passing the year mark is a magnificent hurdle, but it also can signify a whole lot of changes and challenges.  I know, of course, that those are all Big Fat Stories, that nothing is true unless I make it so in these relative spaces, so I suspect that’s what lured me here – to write this out and find the chosen path.  To let the heart speak louder than the fret-frantic head.

It’s been a bit of a wild week for Orion and myself.  Monday marked a day of serious ego-outbursts — something that is not our norm.  Sure, we were able to laugh (with gritted teeth) through the majority of the drama we sourced, but it left me, anyway, feeling rattled and exhausted.  I had had a great run – almost 2 months long – of a tremendous peace and acceptance of all that is.  Then, suddenly, I sensed some serious frustration / resistance in Orion, and this time around, I chose to let that hit me in an emotional manner.  We’ve been doing the hot/cold dance with one another, and it’s been sending me into a tailspin of sorts.  Only on the outside, though – and even now, that’s barely noticeable.  That is to say, I am more than OK will all of this, I’m just feeling my way through the space and trying to find the nuggets of lessons.

Anyway, there’s more static today.  We’re not on the same page, and that’s all good.  I recognize a pattern in the recent interactions that’s integral for me to address.  When Orion hits a wall that he needs to process, he normally prefers to do this solo.  I can certainly relate – there are many things I prefer to handle alone as well, and then share with him the results when appropriate.  The thing is, I usually do this in secrecy, without any outward appearance of static – it rather happens beneath the surface while other experiences are playing out.  When I’m *really* deep in an emotional process, I tend to want him along for the ride.  He offers wonderful clarity and support, and I normally am wise enough to utilize that, and pull myself out in a jiffy.  Orion, he’s more heart-on-his-sleeve with the egoic frustrations, and likes his space so he can find the roots.  When I’m crystal clear and solid, this is easy and reasonable.  This week, however, I’ve had some annoying attachment issues that have rendered a panicked rush when I felt Orion pulling away from me.  I know better – I do.  There is no “pulling away” – it’s not about me, it’s about his process and unfolding.  But somehow I keep allowing the ego to make it personal – to get my feelings hurt by the perceived distance.

What’s my business will be made my business by the people I love, and I’m normally aces about respecting space without hurt feelings.  I’ll be honest, it doesn’t feel fabulous to bookend the first year in a less than clear and strong space.  I’m a little miffed at these hurt feelings I’m swimming in, but still trying to hear the truth of them.  I am hardly a fear-free person, because I’m still very aware of this ego-who-thinks-she’s-real.  And she’s the one having a minor fit in here.  Wanting to know what’s really going on.  Confused by the connected/not-connected scenarios that are playing out this week.  Wanting it her way, I suppose – which is easy.  Free of conflict.

Part of the deal in this incredible bond of ours is that we don’t not choose the easy route.  We have a vision for taking on integrity and the things we’re hiding from ourselves in a way that is fabulously fun and oh-so-very-loving, but there’s a deep, deep understanding that playing the game the way we have chosen does not guarantee a peaceful path.  It doesn’t guarantee anything, actually.  We make zero promises about what the future brings – it’s all about the present moment.

Right now, that present moment is a many faceted-spectrum.  I am so overjoyed and grateful to still be connected to the glorious, luminous, perfect-for-me Orion.  I truly do fall more in love with him on a daily basis, and have no doubts that this is where I continue to be called to be.  But I’m also frustrated at all the push-pull I feel, the egoic flare-ups within, the lack of patience and trust I’m facing in my own self right now.  When I find an attachment, I generally scowl and protest as a first response.  I haven’t yet learned to be totally gentle with myself when things like this arise.  It’s rough when we’re both in muddled spaces.  I want so much to be clear and focused, to hold the space for Orion to feel free to do whatever he needs to, without repercussions on my end.  But I can’t always promise such things.  Today. . .today I’m a little teary, and a lot bummed, and definitely confused.  There is always gratefulness and an acceptance of what-is, but they are overshadowed.  The heart is a little bit hurty.  And ugh, that makes me feel like a freaking victim, with the knowledge that I’m bring all of this onto myself.  THAT is frustrating.  But I suppose rather than get all huffy about this turn, I should only look inward and ask – why is this serving me?  Right now, that answer is a mystery.

You know, I used to write poetry to work all this stuff out.  I’ve been really hard on myself for no longer acting like a poet, either.  But I suppose I’ve found a new (not so at this point, as it’s been years) outlet for these kinds of mind-twists.  Blogging is the new poetry.  Since I feel lighter and more spacious now, I’d say that’s a good thing.  Oh hell, it’s all good.

Orion, I love you.  Here’s to our momentous, transforming, connected year.  It’s been my best so far.  And while we don’t make any promises about what’s to come on our path, I will say this – I hope the next year has me blogging about the latest phase of our journey.  I love, love, love sharing mine with you.

Just in time for the new year, there are numerous endings, beginnings, and transformations.  Mostly, I am staring down the truth of my divine creations – and acknowledging that the being beyond my false sense of self has everything under control.  Go, that-girl.  Go go go.

Backstory time – what’s a blog without the details?

Pi is a controversial but sacred soul.  He’s reached enlightenment (I rather dislike the “reached” descriptor, because it was gifted rather than attained, but whatever – he’s There.)  He’s new to those spaces, however, and because he doesn’t fit the mold from which most of us craft our completely false sense of true self-realization, he’s a button pusher like no other.  I met him early this year at one of Orion’s events.  He immediately had a very positive effect on me (how many peeps can say THAT, Pi?)  But our second conversation – that’s when the party really started.

It was February 13th, day of the divine romance (so dubbed by Guruji P), and Z plus the ashram crew had arrived for a big enlightenment event.  Lots of folks came, including the beautiful fiancee of the man I was about to fall madly in love with.  I, however, was still fully with Z, and realllly committed to making the evening a huge success for him.  This was his night, his chance to share his toe-touch in the other world, and he was mad nervous as public speaking made him waddle and sweat.  The evening went quite well, however, and everyone stayed to socialize after the big speeches commenced.

Pi had some rather animated discussions with various members – a trend I would realize in the coming weeks.  He’s just aces at exposing and dismantling belief structures, so he’s rather like a human bug zapper – people gravitate around him, protest and argue, then either surrender to his rightness, or storm off in a huff.  Usually the latter.  Anyway, several folks had  had their fill of Pi – including Healer, who was completely flummoxed by Pi’s insistence that A) he was in fact enlightened and B) he had no big-huge-godlike-divine-world-changing-purpose.  Since this did not fit with Healer’s current “enlightenment picture”, the conversation had been heated.  But suddenly, there we were – Pi and myself – eyelocked on the couch, and immediately engaged in the most unexpected conversation.  The room had also mysteriously cleared out as we began to speak – everyone scampered off to the kitchen, except us.  He said words to me that were clearly, clearly channeled from outside his mind, and they were so spot on targeted to my innermost self, I was pretty much flattened by the intimacy.   The topic: Tantra.  Something I held a deep affinity for, but next to no knowledge – and Pi said some pretty out-there, but perfect for me, goodies.  Once our chat ended, Pi took his exit, and I was left feeling completely and totally altered.  An attempt to traverse the room ended in a near flop-over.  I was giddy.

And later that night, through a completely unplanned and totally cosmic conversation with Z, our relationship ended.  I had no memory then (or now) of how that happened, or what was said.  But he heard something in my words that I didn’t consciously put there – it was rather like the channeling Pi had done for me.  Z said to me, about 4 AM, during our really heated exchange – “Do I hear you breaking up with me?” And tearfully, yet  stoically, I said – “Yes.”

That was the boulder, sent rolling down the hill.  And today, another boulder was pushed off to follow. 

In the months since, Pi and I forged a deep but short-lived bond, then mutually accepted significant distance so that other connections might neatly form.  Both of us, actually, created a beautiful connection with Orion.  Orion became the love of my life, and one of Pi’s closest friends.  I bowed out of the intimacy out of respect for both men and honoring what felt right, but I’ll admit – ever since then, in growing doses, I have missed that Pi-connection.  We see each other alllll the time, so it’s not a withdrawal in that sense, but I knew what a profound teacher / friend he was / is for me, and my egoic self felt really jealous at the relationship I saw with Orion and Pi.  I had a sense of loss there without really understanding why.  Finally, in the last week, I acknowledged this to Orion, and this morning, did the same to Pi.  Why?  Because it’s time to change the game.

It all began on a couch with a chat about Tantra.  And early next year, Pi is starting a Tantra meet-up group — a group I’m more excited to attend than any other.  Patience has paid off.  I just trust that this is a wonderful next step for all involved.  The rightness of the timing, integrity, and true intentions of all involved is just mind-numbingly beautiful.  It has already meant that I should be so lucky as to grow even closer to both Orion and Pi.  I’m seriously spilling over with gratitude.

And as this all transpires, an ending has landed at my feet as well.  One I’m both shocked by, and completely un-surprised over.  Yes, both.  Shaman and part of the affectionate Dynamic Duo – the team I’ve been working with on Aya this last year – well, that’s a donesville chapter.  There’s no dramatic story around the why’s – it’s just time.  My heart said so.  I’m closing a door so I may clear space for my next mentor – one I can go even deeper into this process with.  Here and now, I am called to own these shamanic energies I have been gifted access to – not unlike the way Pi owns his Tantra wisdom.  I was not feeling that unfolding with D1.  But this isn’t the easiest of door-closes.  I literally just gave up my easy access to Ayahuasca. My shaman who made house calls.  I will finish up a promise to connect a current wave of seekers to him, but I won’t be attending – which, I’ll admit, hasn’t fully hit me yet.  Or rather, hit the emotional side yet.  But make no mistake, this is hardly the end of my Aya chapter.  I have a conference / workshop in March that just found me (literally five minutes before the falling out with past-shaman), and if that doesn’t lead me to the next connection, something else will.  Ayahuasca is already working on this with me, I can feel that.  So instead of lamenting a loss, I’m excited for a beginning that hasn’t (tangibly) begun.  How’s that for abstract?

There’s so much more happening, but these are the current heart-stamps.  Orion and I will be ringing in the new year together tomorrow, and we’re 1 week away from the “I met you exactly one year ago” marker.  Amazing.  That same day, we’ll be motoring down the highway to our 12 day silent meditation retreat.  Oh, the places we go.  And the love that we know.

Click to Listen

I was recently featured on a local radio show, yapping away about shamanism, ayahuasca, huachuma / san pedro, and  liberation. Take a listen at MetaMysticRadio.com – choose the December 16th interview with Kitty.  I actually think it went super well – CJ is a great informal interviewer and we had a ball.

In other news. . .

Yay for holidaze – especially since Orion will likely actually be here, a rarity for an on-call pilot.  Sounds like I get serious family time, which makes me all a-flutter.  I still have such easy access to the childish bliss associated with presents and cookies and seeing other lovees glow.  I can’t wait to see Hijo open the presents I corralled for him – my first year to spoil a child, and I took full advantage.  

I can’t help but be nostalgic.  Not for what’s been lost in the last year, but what’s been found.  Love like no other, a gaggle of incredibly bonded and spiritually connected Vegas friends, and a *stepson* for crying out loud.  Who would have guessed?  Certainly not me.  But the treasures of the last year have taught me to let go of any “me” notions, and let the universe have her way.  My way would have meant a lack of vulnerability and certainly no mommy roles.  My way was clearly far too limited.

If I had to give the year a word, I’d call it Paradoxical.  I systematically dropped just about every known belief structure, chucking out the validity of everything from aliens to egos.  And then picked them all up again in all their glorious unreal-realism.  I’ve come to know the world as a dream, but one I have full manifested control over, yet can’t control at all.  How come both be true?  Because they are.  It just is, and I love it.  Welcome to duality.  But try on non-dualism while you’re at it.

I’m going to embark on a huachuma ceremony later today, with the intention to drop all notions of myself completely.  Huachuma is the ultimate illuminator – capable of lifting the veil of illusion and showing those who walk through his portal what really is.  ”I” will choke down a few mugs of this not-so-condensed putrid plant and welcome his wisdom so deep within, I become nothing.  And in that space, “I” will find . . .whatever is waiting.  The I within wants to know the highest way to work with him as well – how to best integrate his dream-like lessons in this dream-filled world.  And I think I’ll visit Jesus too, maybe bring him in a birthday card.  We can celebrate the un-ness of everything.  Oh, irony.

And that’s about the extent of my current profundity – not much more relevatory than a James Cameron film, I know.  This is stage one of today’s big clearing-out process.

“Love / Is watching / someone die”  - Death Cab

Clean Is Good

Things are getting interesting. Two days into the cleanse, and I’m really starting to feel the detoxification. I’ve hit several irritation walls today – these dense, anger-laden waves that tempt me to fall deep and reach for the Doritos. I love them. The walls, and the Doritos. But mostly the walls. Unless it’s nacho-flavored. Then, mostly the Doritos.
Pushing through creates the greatest of gifts. Twice today, I’ve connected with the very moment the shift occurs. That split second when my will brings me out of the dark spaces, and into the realm of gratitude. I know what this is – this dance I’m swirling around in. It’s a big, huge, beautiful release. I clearly have so much to feel, so much to let go of. . .and when I ask myself today – “Are you willing to allow the surrender?” I can honestly say – “Yes. I’m willing.” Which means tonight will be interesting.

First, I must go meet someone I’m not in the least bit keen on connecting with. A friend’s business partner, someone I’ve briefly corresponded with – enough so that I have a sour taste. I’m resisting this. Yet another wall I will gleefully barrel on through.
Then, it’s off to buy epson salts, grapefruit, and olive oil – the trio of ingredients needed for the liver cleanse I’m taking on tonight. I’ll have lots of alone time, and will be bonded to my bathroom in the AM. Following the painful yet cathartic release, I’ll dive into a super hot and sudsy bubble bath, then jet off to get my fingernails and feetsies pampered. Yes, just another glamorous night / morn in Las Vegas.

Man, my head is a woozy mess of toxins and dizzy spells. I need a cry, I need to scream into a pillow, and I need to keep drinkin’ this spicy magic brew. All the stuff I no longer wish to harbor is asking to be released. All I have to do is open the door.

Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

I’m on day 1 of my latest Master Cleanse. I didn’t ease into this one in the recommended / usual way – last night brought a beautiful indulgence through a spectacular meal with someone I adore. I even had meat (a rarity that happens about 2-3 times a year) – rack of lamb with kalamata olive mashed potatoes. Wow. Accompanied by a glass of Oregon Pinot that I also cherished immensely. It’s nice that these are ultra-special treats now – I love being in the space of complete appreciation for all that I’m blessed with. Not the least of which was the company.

It’s important for me that I get clear on intentions and hunker down for the roller coaster that awaits me in every cleanse. I intend to go all-out with this one — laxative teas every night (despite the pain I experience in the first couple of nights – crazy cramping and hot flashes, thanks to the not-so-nourishing diet I often consume), salt flushes every sunrise (with more somewhat unpleasant but gloriously detoxifying results), and a liver cleanse tomorrow (this one is also really, really hardcore – I’ll pass stones, just you watch.) It’s time I gift my body with the opportunity to release a ton of toxins – I certainly know how to pile them in. It’s been nine months since my last cleanse – way past due. Way. There’s definitely apprehension, as I know the kinds of walls I may potentially face, but in light of yesterday’s “flip-it” ponderings, I’m also determined to have a huge amount of fun with this one.

There are moments during the cleanse that I sometimes feel like I’m skirting madness. The toxins expel out of every conceivable place in my body, and when I feel them flooding out of my brain, things can get hairy. These are the times I hope to truly embrace. I will take the irritation, revel in it, and add a layer of bliss on top. Honor the anger and edge, but soften it with a higher dose of positive energies. Rather like a mad scientist, balancing out the chemical reactions. I am the creator, this is in my abilities.

No food for 10 days. A total and complete inside-out cleansing. I will feel empowered, crystal-clear, focused and alive. I will remind myself of this ultimate experience of self love, and reconnect with the deepest of my cores. And I will really, really love the sushi dinner I have next Saturday.

Drop the Masks Already

I’m ready to admit that I am light years away from outsmarting my ego. I am also realizing, more and more, that this quest for authenticity is a bigger game than I could have ever realized. I know the lines I write in this public space aren’t always the absolute truth. Whatever that is. I try so hard to channel the real higher-self as I dive into these outpourings, to honor the process, the audience, the involved parties, and myself – and I fail. A lot.

Failure is a bit harsh. I don’t always strike the truest-of-true chords. What that means is a tad bit veiled, something I’m sorting out as I try and understand my motivations.

In less abstract terms, I’m struggling with blogging in general. There was even the possibility that this would cease for a spell – but I couldn’t bring myself to turn my back on years of process, layer-peeling, and connections with the eyeballs that grace me with an audience.

This is dangerous, I know, because there’s clearly a part of me that oh-so-strongly identifies with blogging. Any hardcore identity marker like that raises up a red flag. I wonder – what part of me needs / wants this so badly? Is it the higher self, sincerely seeking a positive outlet to find more of herself? Or is it the ego, seeking attention and validation so she can continue the mad little tango? I think the answer is – Yes.

All I know is, I’m being unraveled. Dismantled, piece by piece, so I can be divinely thrown together again without all this distortion. Healer asked me the other day – what is it that you want? And I just said – to be authentic. To know all of myself. To stop playing these wretched games, hiding from my emotional core, putting on a dog and pony show for the whole wide world while the real tasks at hand get painfully ignored. There is a little terror in there about how and what this will look like, but it’s a small dose. Mostly, I’m all tingly and excited for this process. I have been loving it to pieces thus far. Even in the drama I relay – the parts I guess I like best because they make for better stories. That’s an ego-based desire, so I’m making a commitment to not dwell on all the hooplah around the transformations that I’m feeling, and instead honor the results a lot more.

My results today are beautiful. I look around at the relationships I have, and I know that in part, I’m getting it. I can love others in a fashion so much deeper than before. I am more and more comfortable placing all parts of me together in an integrated whole – the ashram dweller, the intellectual, the playful kitten, the heart-spaced Friend. Not reserving one piece for each person I encounter, but giving them the whole enchilada, without fear or expectations. Ok, so it’s not that smooth and flow-y yet, but I’m definitely, definitely getting there. I know more love in my life now than I ever have before. And that is the path I am on, plain and simple. To be more love, in every moment. And to speak the truth, and nothing but.

From http://www.webdesign.org/img_articles/12462/Exploding-Heart21.jpg

I’m having the kind of day the edges on the point of surreal – experiences so electric, so deep and meaningful, so heart-centered and connected and magical and lovely, I’m more than a little dizzy. This is good stuff.

So this may sound like a small thing, but I bought a new dining table / chairs combo, and it was delivered today. I haven’t had a dining table since I moved to Vegas. It’s been part of my reluctance to become fully immersed in my life here. I used to have famous dinner parties brimming with beautiful peeps, but I’ve deprived myself of being the social fiend that I truly love to be since I’ve moved here. Until recently. This table is a tangible symbol of my now-ness in this city, this space and time, and also my love of bringing people together. I can’t wait for the magic to unfold. Oh, and it’s a really fucking cool table / chairs / bench thingee. Yeah, there’s me being shallow. I like stylish stuff, and this set is smokin’.

But what I’m really all a-buzz about is more about the people that will share that table space with me. Every time I think I’m getting used to this connecting business, someone throws me a curve ball. Or something happens to fall further in.

Best Vegas Girl and I keep getting closer. She’s given me feedback many times that I am not vulnerable with her the way she has honored me, and I’ve been working hard to break down those barriers. It’s paying off in spades. I am over the moon about our chats lately. I’ve been so honest and real with her, and she’s so equally raw and so accepting – omg does it make me giddy.

Then there’s Sage. He got back from THE most wildly amazing, life-changing, divinely cosmic HOLY COW adventure in Australia today, and we just shared stories over Starbucks. I can’t even begin to describe what he’s experienced now with the Guru and the ashram (our spiritual teacher has an ashram there, and is down there now doing a retreat). It’s definitely the kind of stuff that defies explanation, and if I told you, most wouldn’t believe it anyway. I didn’t until I lived some of these moments too. But Sage, he took the baton I passed and ran full speed into the cosmos. He is teaching me so much about surrender and manifestation. I am so proud and awed by him. We had the best talk and these incredible hugs and I could just cry when I think of how precious he is.

I get to see Z and Healer this weekend too, and have a woman’s gathering at the ashram. I only know my Soul Sis and my Aya friend (a woman who will soon be doing Ayahuasca with me, hence the moniker) – the other women are virtual strangers, and that’s about to change. Very, very exciting. Z and I will no doubt have a huge weekend too – so much has been up for us, but we’re very surrendered to sorting our way through and finding the next level of our bond. Aw yeah, this is getting very interesting.

And lastly (but certainly not leastly), there’s Mr. Orion. My fellow seeker, truth slayer, deep thinker, and whoa boy, hardcore email-er. We wrote each other – no exaggeration – eleven page emails today. You know those kind of bonding sessions that are completely without walls, completely without expectations – just respect and safety and truth, coupled with loads of energy bolts? That’s what I have with him. Another kindred, another special someone that has so much to teach me, so much to offer – ah man. I’m so lucky and sourced and buzzy.

Sage also brought me back gifts from The Artiste – another soul-brother of mine that lives in Australia. I have yet to meet him yet, but I love him deeply. He’s a brilliant painter and a beautiful soul. Of course Sage felt him as a brother too – we’re all family, clearly. And Artiste sent back some CDs, paintings, photos, and a gorgeous bracelet for me to enjoy.

I’m spilling over. I’m loving life. I’m feeling more than I have ever felt, and although there’s some really intense firings going down, I know I can handle all this and more. I’m jumping deep, deep into the rabbit hole here, but I trust there’s a safety net. Better yet, I trust that there is no ground. There is no landing, no end to this if I choose to keep on keepin’ on. Which, of course, I do. There’s no stopping now.