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Adventures in Occupational Shifts and Sexual Paradigms

Jan 26th, 2010 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

Two very distinct and paradoxical reasons have kept me from blogging lately:

1) So bloody much has happened it’s daunting to try and cover all the ground in a genuine, detailed fasion

2) Much of what keeps transpiring is from the space where words cannot go, so how does the unreal ego / identity self truly convey what is?  She can’t, she won’t, and yet it’s so cute how she tries.

Here I am, trying.  Playing in the illusion of the word space.  *splishy splashy*

Shpongle is playing – “Botanical Dimensions”.  Appropriate and inspirational.  Here I go.

I will soon post a full report on the latest Huachuma adventure, #7.  I cannot dishonor the massive revelations by making them footnotes.  Likewise, I recently returned from a ridiculously profound 11 day silent meditation retreat, following the Vipassana technique.  That’s gotta be at least 2 big downloads.  For now, I’ll just speak what is, in this space, in this smattering of awareness.  

First, the “apparently” tangible spaces: big changes.  Huge.  Happy, scary-in-a-good-way, heart thumping cliff dives.  I left the current day job today – a space I’ve been truly joyful in, challenged, and appreciated for well over two years.  As far as office jobs go, this has been my favorite.  I have never had an office environment that allowed me to be who I am before, in complete freedom and acceptance.  That’s been huge, as it’s provided the space for me to go deep into the enlightenment game, and not make any apologies along the way.  Sure, they’ve labeled me a bit strange in these parts, but I can’t think of a place that wouldn’t be true.  Except in Sunday Sangha, the weekly spirit-family that talks nonsense and yet understands each other.  Yum.

But something found me literally out of the blue these last few days – an opportunity that felt so all-over right, I had to jump in.  I’m now VP of Production for an online children’s content group.  I’ll be working *remotely*, from my happy little home space, on beautiful, uplifting, feel-good projects for little people.  The team I’ve connected with (only via phone thus far) are absolutely stellar beings, and I’m overjoyed at the intense challenge, and the chance to do it all from my sacred space.  This will mean more face time with Orion and Hijo, and *that* is worth it’s weight in diamond dust.  The new occupational adventure begins.

The other big news – I’m finally diving headfirst into Tantra.  This is a path that has been on my radar since teenage-dom, truly, but it’s never called loud enough for me to go full-on.  I can’t even say I understand one iota of what I’m getting into, but like the job above, it just feels right.  Pi has kindly taken on the role of teacher for those of us interested in taking on the task, and I’m melting with gratitude for what I feel this means.  Getting closer to him, to Orion, to myself, to God.  All the same, all different – all just freaking awesome.

I know that Tantra will / is shaking up my paradigm of sexuality too.  I know that I will enter into energetic spaces that are powerful and vastly unfamiliar.  This is another step in the self-transformation – dropping the identity to become divine.  I finally have a partner that makes this feel real, safe, possible – in every way.  So why not, you know?  The energies are calling.  I know this will require surrender like I have never known – just what Ayahuasca has been preparing me for.  Integrity in the truest sense.  A willingness to go deep into the emotional spaces.  So in addition to the Jnana Yoga fun I embark on every week with the spirit-family, and almost every waking moment with Orion, I’ve got a new game to play.  One that requires me to use my body to transcend.  That’s the big daunting prospect, as we have only recently become friends.  I am finally in the place of feeling mad-comfortable without clothes.   I used to refuse to look at my naked body in the mirror, and now I look to her with fondness and love.  Shower her with compliments and acceptance.  That alone is a miracle, so what does Tantra have for me next?  Woof, I can’t imagine.  But all systems go anyway.  It’s really starting to get fun in these parts.

I did my first Tantric ceremony this weekend, solo, building a mini-temple in my bedroom and practicing new meditation methods and body affirmations.  Lots of time spent naked, laying in front of a mirror, being with what is instead of what I want to be, body-wise.  And finding such a peace, such a vast amount of gratefulness, for the image that is reflected.  I saw how it wasn’t “me” that I was looking at, just this lovely house that has agreed to carry this energy for a duration.  Knowing that my body is the only thing that is mortal, I’ve suddenly felt such a softness for her, such a need to take good care and spoil her while I can.  Enough with the horrendous thoughts about her imperfections – we had over 3 decades of that.  Time to play a different game.

There’s a rightness to all these big shifts, a sense that I’m a tiny piece of popcorn about to explode to the next fluffy level.  There can’t be any knowingness of what that actually means, but all senses are buzzing with approval.  I’m right where I need to be, following the intuitive guidance system, and feeling my heart open more and more.  Knowing there is no “I”, only a We.  All of us, one masterful God, pretending to play separate games, pretending that there is anything other than divinity in our midst.  Silly humans.  We do love a good acting shenanigan.  But my favorite part – unraveling that game.  Full exposure.  All naked and shivering, starring into the light of what is – and isn’t.  

As a woman in this Tantric dance, I get to be the darkness.  The room by which the energy enters.  Woman is the environment in the sexual act, the part of the duo that holds the space and allows the light to enter.  There is no light without darkness – darkness is always there, holding court, wrapping its arms around illumination, and everything in between.  The space where everything and nothing dwells.  What an honor to hold that capacity, to get to own that knowingness as Orion and I see each other as Divine.  Not just in our minds, but with all of our beings.  I can’t think of any greater adventure – to use our bodies in order to leave our bodies.  Oooh, tingles.  

*Flittering away*. . . .

“If heaven and hell decide / that they both are satisfied

Illuminate the “no’s” on the vacancy signs,

If there’s no one beside you / when your soul embarks,

I will follow you into the dark.”

- Death Cab

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Posted in Aftermaths and In-Betweens, Tantra Revelations | 2 Comments »

Speaking What Is, Or Timing Is Everything (And Non-Existent)

Dec 30th, 2009 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

Just in time for the new year, there are numerous endings, beginnings, and transformations.  Mostly, I am staring down the truth of my divine creations – and acknowledging that the being beyond my false sense of self has everything under control.  Go, that-girl.  Go go go.

Backstory time – what’s a blog without the details?

Pi is a controversial but sacred soul.  He’s reached enlightenment (I rather dislike the “reached” descriptor, because it was gifted rather than attained, but whatever – he’s There.)  He’s new to those spaces, however, and because he doesn’t fit the mold from which most of us craft our completely false sense of true self-realization, he’s a button pusher like no other.  I met him early this year at one of Orion’s events.  He immediately had a very positive effect on me (how many peeps can say THAT, Pi?)  But our second conversation – that’s when the party really started.

It was February 13th, day of the divine romance (so dubbed by Guruji P), and Z plus the ashram crew had arrived for a big enlightenment event.  Lots of folks came, including the beautiful fiancee of the man I was about to fall madly in love with.  I, however, was still fully with Z, and realllly committed to making the evening a huge success for him.  This was his night, his chance to share his toe-touch in the other world, and he was mad nervous as public speaking made him waddle and sweat.  The evening went quite well, however, and everyone stayed to socialize after the big speeches commenced.

Pi had some rather animated discussions with various members – a trend I would realize in the coming weeks.  He’s just aces at exposing and dismantling belief structures, so he’s rather like a human bug zapper – people gravitate around him, protest and argue, then either surrender to his rightness, or storm off in a huff.  Usually the latter.  Anyway, several folks had  had their fill of Pi – including Healer, who was completely flummoxed by Pi’s insistence that A) he was in fact enlightened and B) he had no big-huge-godlike-divine-world-changing-purpose.  Since this did not fit with Healer’s current “enlightenment picture”, the conversation had been heated.  But suddenly, there we were – Pi and myself – eyelocked on the couch, and immediately engaged in the most unexpected conversation.  The room had also mysteriously cleared out as we began to speak – everyone scampered off to the kitchen, except us.  He said words to me that were clearly, clearly channeled from outside his mind, and they were so spot on targeted to my innermost self, I was pretty much flattened by the intimacy.   The topic: Tantra.  Something I held a deep affinity for, but next to no knowledge – and Pi said some pretty out-there, but perfect for me, goodies.  Once our chat ended, Pi took his exit, and I was left feeling completely and totally altered.  An attempt to traverse the room ended in a near flop-over.  I was giddy.

And later that night, through a completely unplanned and totally cosmic conversation with Z, our relationship ended.  I had no memory then (or now) of how that happened, or what was said.  But he heard something in my words that I didn’t consciously put there – it was rather like the channeling Pi had done for me.  Z said to me, about 4 AM, during our really heated exchange – “Do I hear you breaking up with me?” And tearfully, yet  stoically, I said – “Yes.”

That was the boulder, sent rolling down the hill.  And today, another boulder was pushed off to follow. 

In the months since, Pi and I forged a deep but short-lived bond, then mutually accepted significant distance so that other connections might neatly form.  Both of us, actually, created a beautiful connection with Orion.  Orion became the love of my life, and one of Pi’s closest friends.  I bowed out of the intimacy out of respect for both men and honoring what felt right, but I’ll admit – ever since then, in growing doses, I have missed that Pi-connection.  We see each other alllll the time, so it’s not a withdrawal in that sense, but I knew what a profound teacher / friend he was / is for me, and my egoic self felt really jealous at the relationship I saw with Orion and Pi.  I had a sense of loss there without really understanding why.  Finally, in the last week, I acknowledged this to Orion, and this morning, did the same to Pi.  Why?  Because it’s time to change the game.

It all began on a couch with a chat about Tantra.  And early next year, Pi is starting a Tantra meet-up group — a group I’m more excited to attend than any other.  Patience has paid off.  I just trust that this is a wonderful next step for all involved.  The rightness of the timing, integrity, and true intentions of all involved is just mind-numbingly beautiful.  It has already meant that I should be so lucky as to grow even closer to both Orion and Pi.  I’m seriously spilling over with gratitude.

And as this all transpires, an ending has landed at my feet as well.  One I’m both shocked by, and completely un-surprised over.  Yes, both.  Shaman and part of the affectionate Dynamic Duo – the team I’ve been working with on Aya this last year – well, that’s a donesville chapter.  There’s no dramatic story around the why’s – it’s just time.  My heart said so.  I’m closing a door so I may clear space for my next mentor – one I can go even deeper into this process with.  Here and now, I am called to own these shamanic energies I have been gifted access to – not unlike the way Pi owns his Tantra wisdom.  I was not feeling that unfolding with D1.  But this isn’t the easiest of door-closes.  I literally just gave up my easy access to Ayahuasca. My shaman who made house calls.  I will finish up a promise to connect a current wave of seekers to him, but I won’t be attending – which, I’ll admit, hasn’t fully hit me yet.  Or rather, hit the emotional side yet.  But make no mistake, this is hardly the end of my Aya chapter.  I have a conference / workshop in March that just found me (literally five minutes before the falling out with past-shaman), and if that doesn’t lead me to the next connection, something else will.  Ayahuasca is already working on this with me, I can feel that.  So instead of lamenting a loss, I’m excited for a beginning that hasn’t (tangibly) begun.  How’s that for abstract?

There’s so much more happening, but these are the current heart-stamps.  Orion and I will be ringing in the new year together tomorrow, and we’re 1 week away from the “I met you exactly one year ago” marker.  Amazing.  That same day, we’ll be motoring down the highway to our 12 day silent meditation retreat.  Oh, the places we go.  And the love that we know.

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Posted in Aftermaths and In-Betweens, Unrelated Truth-Pours | 3 Comments »

Radio Show! And Random Smatterings.

Dec 23rd, 2009 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

Click to Listen

Click to Listen

I was recently featured on a local radio show, yapping away about shamanism, ayahuasca, huachuma / san pedro, and  liberation. Take a listen at MetaMysticRadio.com – choose the December 16th interview with Kitty.  I actually think it went super well – CJ is a great informal interviewer and we had a ball.

In other news. . .

Yay for holidaze – especially since Orion will likely actually be here, a rarity for an on-call pilot.  Sounds like I get serious family time, which makes me all a-flutter.  I still have such easy access to the childish bliss associated with presents and cookies and seeing other lovees glow.  I can’t wait to see Hijo open the presents I corralled for him – my first year to spoil a child, and I took full advantage.  

I can’t help but be nostalgic.  Not for what’s been lost in the last year, but what’s been found.  Love like no other, a gaggle of incredibly bonded and spiritually connected Vegas friends, and a *stepson* for crying out loud.  Who would have guessed?  Certainly not me.  But the treasures of the last year have taught me to let go of any “me” notions, and let the universe have her way.  My way would have meant a lack of vulnerability and certainly no mommy roles.  My way was clearly far too limited.

If I had to give the year a word, I’d call it Paradoxical.  I systematically dropped just about every known belief structure, chucking out the validity of everything from aliens to egos.  And then picked them all up again in all their glorious unreal-realism.  I’ve come to know the world as a dream, but one I have full manifested control over, yet can’t control at all.  How come both be true?  Because they are.  It just is, and I love it.  Welcome to duality.  But try on non-dualism while you’re at it.

I’m going to embark on a huachuma ceremony later today, with the intention to drop all notions of myself completely.  Huachuma is the ultimate illuminator – capable of lifting the veil of illusion and showing those who walk through his portal what really is.  ”I” will choke down a few mugs of this not-so-condensed putrid plant and welcome his wisdom so deep within, I become nothing.  And in that space, “I” will find . . .whatever is waiting.  The I within wants to know the highest way to work with him as well – how to best integrate his dream-like lessons in this dream-filled world.  And I think I’ll visit Jesus too, maybe bring him in a birthday card.  We can celebrate the un-ness of everything.  Oh, irony.

And that’s about the extent of my current profundity – not much more relevatory than a James Cameron film, I know.  This is stage one of today’s big clearing-out process.

“Love / Is watching / someone die”  - Death Cab

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Posted in Shamanic Ceremonies, Unrelated Truth-Pours | 4 Comments »

As Long As You Surrender

Dec 15th, 2009 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

BlueBuddha2

As we noodle down the treacherous and oft overwhelming path ala enlightenment, many of us pound our heads against spiky walls out of sheer paradoxical frustration.  It seems every luminous enlightenment being speaks a different language.  Sometimes it feels like no one is really pointing at the same moon – that this is all a crazy game with no real ending.  That there is no such thing as realization at all.

And yet, when dropping the logical constructs of the mind, there is more than just a something there, drawing me into its womb-like clutches.  What is it, really?  I don’t know.  But I’m learning one alarmingly simple yet devastatingly challenging way to get there.  I have a lot of wise teachers feeding me equal doses and beauty and bullshit, and in their cryptically direct banter, I’ve found one radiant consistency.  Mac said it this weekend, and I’ve heard Pi and Pranananda say pretty much the same thing – whatever (or whomever) you choose to get you there, it doesn’t matter.  Just surrender.  Completely.

Just.  Surrender.  Hah.  Just like I (think) I know what enlightenment is not, I’ve uncovered a million ways / reasons / opportunities to *not* surrender.  I have never fully surrendered to a lover.  I never surrendered to authority of any kind – parental, priestly, etc.  Ayahuasca, though she’s given me no reason not to, has never felt me hand it *all* over to her.  There’s always a shred or more held back – just in case.  To keep the illusion of control.  To have a tether into this world, into my mind, in case this is all just a load of baloney and I give away everything – thoughts, heart, breath, life – for a naive, selfish notion that there’s something more.

But here’s the rub.  I have been granted a whole gaggle of spiritual experiences.  Ayahuasca has shown me the primal energies from which I came from – the golden threads that lead all the way back to the beautiful nothingness.  Huachuma showed me my true God reflection in the face of a sacred stone in Peru.  I have *almost* dropped the “i” now on several occasions, becoming the all – and feeling what it is to be the movie, the projector, the observers and the space in between all three.  And no matter how strong my ego becomes, no matter how much that uncertainty wants to scream out her cautions – I don’t believe them.  I don’t believe much of anything anymore.  But I do know there’s more beyond what “I” know.  

I can’t stop what’s coming.  It’s inconceivable to me to go back to the unconscious self.  I’m not really in the state of seeking, but I sense with an insatiable magnetism that there is more to know.  I travel deep into my heart space an unequivocally realize there’s nothing else for me but this.  Not awakening itself, necessarily. but the walk to greet her.  The willingness to own my divinity.

Mac told us last week to stop calling this enlightenment – to hold it as liberation instead.  This facilitated a great shift in me later that week – I came to know in every cell that absolutely nothing about me has to change in order to awaken.  Nothing.  I don’t have to be less egoic or more pious and meditate 20 hours a day or eat raw vegetables with unsoiled hands.  There is nothing I have to do or be, because nothing about me dictates this liberation.  It was a massive relief, a huge opening that allowed me to feel whole and complete.  I could have hugged myself.  Instead, I stared at my reflection in Orion’s beautiful eyes and felt the truth.  This is who we are.  And it’s in those eyes that I found a key.

This game is all about surrender.  And while I understand it doesn’t matter what you surrender to, as long as you do it completely, I realize my mind isn’t going to accept just any authoritative illusion.  I intend to work on surrendering to everything and everyone in every moment, but in order to amp up the game, I’ve chosen two very specific targets.

One is obvious – ayahuasca.  I’ve danced with her almost 2 dozen times now, and I know we have more time to know each other.  I can conceive of a complete willingness to surrender to her chaotic yet nurturing strength.  But those opportunities are scarce – a few times a year or so.  Still, I feel in my heart she can take me there.  I know that *anything* can, it’s just that I feel I can convince my mind to give me one minute of freedom – to hold her breath, and that of my body, and surrender to death by the vine, in order to let light in.  Yes, we can do that.

The other is, in many ways, far more terrifying.  I’m in tears just feeling the very real willingness, and the very real fear – the former from heart, the latter from mind.  I will surrender to Orion.  Not him as a human, per se – as an unreal ego – but as my connection to Shiva.  I can’t remember a single time in the last (almost) year that I’ve known him where I’ve been able to see anything but his greatness.  I have never known a more pure and unconditional love.  I trust his intention, I trust his own connection to divinity – and so, I can’t shy away.  We’ve started practicing tantra together – a very respected yogic path to enlightenment – and I feel as though. . .well, we’re on to something.  It’s both thrilling and horrific.  Whee.

Kat – the name I have for my little egoic self – is so fucking scared of this.  But in a moment of incredible clarity this weekend, I was able to pacify her long enough to open a huge portal for us.  I gave him complete freedom to be who he is.  I dropped the restrictions previously agreed upon in our bond, with respect to sexuality, and asked him to just be.  Integrity is still integral, but rules no longer apply.  And although I shake at times when I realize what this could mean, I also know that this is part of my divine surrender.  I trust the universe (me) to manifest the best possible outcome for us both.  But if I tell God I want it my way only, there’s nothing else He / She / We can do but give it to way I demand.  I’m past that now.  In this relationship, I will not be ruled by fear.

So there I’ve done it – dropped all sense of security and yet, at the same time, promised to throw my all into surrendering to this, my partner and love – the God that he is, and the God that I can allow him to show me.  Kat is so fearful she’s barely uttered a protest.  It’s paralyzing and beautiful.  There’s such a rightness to this act that I feel a glow inside, way deeper than any perceived tremble.  

I want and deserve my pot of gold, should the universe see fit.  And I’m showing Her I’m willing to drop *all* attachments to awaken.  I guess that’s why they call it liberation.  Just the act of doing so makes me feel so much closer.

Calling for my soul / At the / Corners of the world – (Tori Amos)

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Posted in The Path of Enlightenment | 6 Comments »

Confusion / Clarity – No Difference Between

Dec 4th, 2009 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

 

Artwork by Kari Minnick

Artwork by Kari Minnick

 

 

I’m in a perpetual “wha?” state as of late, more than a little flummoxed by the odd energies I’ve fallen into.  My chosen perspective in the highest sense is to embrace said-frustration, say yay to my mass confusion, and transcend the urge to, well, feel it.

That only feels like half the story, however – like I’m ignoring a chance to dance through the whole spectrum.  So allow me to indulge in the ambiguity.

Sheesh, it’s so ambiguous, in fact, that I hardly know where to begin.  I’ll go first to my feelings.  I am absolutely submerged in the duality of emotions.  There’s someone I feel rather threatened by – his energies / message feel harsh and egoic to me these days, if I’m speaking from one of my many perspectives.  On the other hand, I can see the self-projection of this reaction clear as day, own it as my own distortion, and cease to view him in any other light but that of divinity.  And when I ask myself – which one is true?  Is he full of shit and spouting mindless drivel?  Or is he a sage showing me wisdom and self-illumination?  Self answers – why yes, he is!  Both of these and neither of these!

To which I say – Grrrrr.

Conversations have been laden with miscommunications lately, and they’re not normally even my own.  I have watched over a dozen times this week as people interpret statements in multiple ways – none of which mirror how I see things.  I realize that’s always, always happening, and I’m simply casting a light on this revelation.  We humans, damn, we just don’t communicate well.  We pretend to, in all earnestness, but because our own little world view is so incredibly snowflake-unique, we just can’t see it any other way but our own.  So we walk around understanding on a higher level (although not always in tune with such things) and pretending to understand on the mind-level.  It’s a very interesting game.

Last night I had a dream involving Hubby (a best friend in LA who was always been my “gay husband” – in other words, my intimate other half that is repulsed by my plumbing).  We were talking about a major life decision I was trying to make – whether or not to accept a job at Disney (where we both first met – and BTW, this job offer is entirely fictional.  I am not poised to return to Mouse-hell). I surmised with Hubby whether or not accepting the job would give me a color on my rainbow-colored easel.  In my dream-world, everyone carried around a flat easel-like object covered in fabric that reminded me of the outside of a tennis ball.  When a decision was made that allowed for personal growth and transformation, one got a color on their easel.  That was my focus in the dream – I didn’t want to do anything that would be, in essence, colorless.

Hubby challenged this.  He mused that I cared only about gaining colors, not about living.  He stated he had no clue how many colors his easel had, as it wasn’t his concern.  He just wanted to be present, to live, to be happy and suck the marrow dry.  I got this perspective, and then started discussing the “game within a game” concept – that coloring in my easel was equal in meaning to not coloring in my easel – it’s all the same in the end, regardless.  The act of gaining colors was just a distraction for my mind, something for her to focus on, as real transcendence occurred.  Hubby stated I spent more time helping others get colors than filling in my own, anyway, and I challenged him there – stating there was no difference between a color on, say, Seeker’s easel (he also appeared in the dream – a very prominent ex-boyfriend) than one on mine – it was all mine, ultimately.  That whole oneness thing.

The dream really hammered into the heart of my confusion.  It’s as if all this effort, all these hopes and dreams and truth-tellings and heart-pours – they are all, in the highest sense, meaningless.  I will return to the source and achieve enlightenment whether or not I always tell the truth.  Choose to be a murdering freakfest or hug it out with one and all.  It’s all. . . the same.  I’m just looking for the right distractions that divert my attention long enough for the *real* truth to float on in with any sort of staying power.  But even then – hell, I’m not sure that works either.  

It’s all about intuition, at the end of the day, and I guess that’s where I’m lost.  I have a hard time deciphering between bona fide internal knowingness and the often uber-convincing egoic chatter.  Kat, my alter EGO, talks a *very* good game – she often masquerades as the enlightened one, as she so desperately wants to be in on the secret.  And can’t be.  So, until I get very, very clear on which Me is attempting to guide the proverbial bus, I suppose confusion is the delicious dish I must just feast on, with gratitude.

So, yay for the head-spinning WTF is happening outcries.  I’d like to see my mind get so worked up over the inexplicable little world I’ve now adopted that she just implodes already and lets the God-head take over.  I’ll keep being confused by what it is I’m actually trying to do.  I’ll keep feeling confused about what teachers are telling me, the games Orion is playing, and the various voices in my manic being.  

Down deep, I can admit – I get it.  Somehow, some way, it’s clear.  I don’t have the words – they can’t access this knowingness.  And so those words that do appear speak only of the small mind.  This I know.  Illumination doesn’t come through the mind, which is the source of all words – so just know that if you could sit across from me now, if we could see each other. . .we may echo our confusions, but a good old-fashioned eye-lock would reveal something vastly different.  We could hold each other as mirrors for just a moment, and see that we do, in fact, Know.

Now that’s a revelation.

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Posted in The Path of Enlightenment | 1 Comment »

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