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Apprenticeship Weekend #2, Part 2: The Undefended Warrior

May 28th, 2010 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

Part 1 of the Earth Medicine Weekend Extravaganza #2 outlined the magical safety / wilderness day that led us into day 2 – aka, The Hot Hot Sweat Lodge soiree.   A sweat lodge!  I was so antsy and excited to really *experience* one of these – so primal and ancient and detoxifying.  I had risen super early that morning to meditate and prepare, bringing my four precious plant parts in tow, so that I may not only honor the four winds / directions, but call on them to communicate with me, and lift me up when needed.  I felt all kinds of enforcements around me – therefore I felt no fear, just a quiet, yet very amped, resolve.

The sweat lodge structure is in the back of Teacher’s yard.  It’s a very small, igloo shaped creation, made of criss-crossing sticks.  The shape intentionally resembles a turtle – within this shape, we can and do recreate the womb, so that we may feel safe to heal and release whatever comes up.  About 3 paces outside of the sweat lodge sits the big fire pit.  This required our attention first – we piled in 34 large lava rocks and dozens more pieces of wood, kindling and paper.  As we lit the fire, each of us kept an eager watch on two things – 1) the strength of the fire, so as not to reach any sort of danger zone level and 2) to see the spirit of this particular fire dance into the mix.  Every fire has it’s own spirit, it’s own essence, and we watched to see who would be communing with us.  A fierce, energetic, powerful force?  A more gentle, playful, loving embrace?  Something in between?  Eyes stayed transfixed as the energies grew.

Teacher called the fire department to let them know of our inferno, and we received interesting news – our time may be limited, as the wind gods were expected to start howling in a few hours.  So we stood around the fire and asked it to please not dilly dally – we needed full force flames, and fast, por favor.  Likewise, dear gods that create the billowing gusts, please hold off on said swooshes until after our little ceremony, yes?

To prepare the space, we first had to create a seal.  We took dozens of blankets and tossed them around the turtle stick-mold – blankets on top of blankets on top of blankets.  Then we sealed the bottom edge with rocks, ensuring that absolutely no trace of light could be seen on the inside.  On top of the blankets went a black tarp – for darkness, and to trap in that all-important HEAT. Hallelujah.

Once the lodge was all good to go, we awaited our new friend, Mr. Fire Tender.  Even Teacher had never met this kind soul – he was brand new to the area and had contacted her about participating in sweat lodge ceremonies, as he’s an old pro.  And as luck would have it, we needed a Fire Tender.   He arrived and in an instant, I knew we were in good hands.  A warm, smiley Libra man with an old soul to boot.  Jackpot.  Everything was in place.  The fire’s spirit was a docile yet spunky one, and he had infused the lava rocks with loads of healing heat.  Knowing it was Time, we opened with a prayer, followed the path into inside of the sweat lodge, and began the next phase of our ceremony.

Round 1 honored the spirits of the South – the playful, intuitive, happy parts of ourselves.  We’d start it off on a festive note.  Fire Tender brought in 7 hot lava rocks and rested them in the small pit in the center of the lodge.  The tiny space got instantly toasty with just one rock – by the time all 7 were in place, I was already coated in moisture.  All of us got out our South plant spirit helpers, and Teacher opened the Round with a lovely prayer / song.  Then, one by one, we went around and offered our own individual prayers.  We were free to cry, sing, giggle, talk – whatever was moving through us.  We remembered, too, the experience we had with our South spirit plant the day before, and much of that came rolling through the lodge as well.  I went third, so grateful to the other beautiful folks who got the party started, and I just went for it.  By this time, I was already feeling the effects of the heat, and so incredibly comforted by the immense darkness.  I spoke outloud to my higher self, and thanked my inner child for leading me to such bliss.  I let the happy tears flow, and expressed the immense gratitude that bubbled up and out of every pore.  Then I sang “I am so blessed, I am so grateful” for a few rounds, tossed my South spirit plant into the fire, and felt my heart rip wide open.

The round lasted somewhere around 30 minutes, and once we had all said our peace, Teacher asked for FT to open the door.  The cool air felt freaking fantastic.  We were all absolutely drenched, but crazy exhilarated.  I already felt like a shinier version of myself.  Yes, the heat was intense.  Yes, I had a little dialogue inside that worried we wouldn’t be able to take four rounds – I mean, what if we couldn’t breathe?  What if we had to ask to get out early?  I knew the rules around such things – Teacher asked that we express what our needs were before going for the door.  To ask for help from all that were there to assist – human and spirit – before succumbing to the egoic desire to get the hell out.  I loved the idea of this process.  I knew that naming my fears instantly deflated them, and that was empowering.  So really, there was no fret running through me.  Three more rounds?  Bring it.

Round 2 honored the West – our warrior spirits.  We fished out the West plants from the day before, and started this round in a much different fashion.  Teacher had handed out lyrics to an amazing Ayahuasca song called “All is Welcome Here”, and we sang that to call in the right energies – right after 7 more rocks were added to the lodge.  As the door was sealed and the process began, I was immediately pounded with an entirely different energy.  Shit was this intense.  I clutched my warrior plant and begged, internally, for assistance.  I wasn’t sure I could last 5 minutes in this heat, but I focused on one breath at a time.  Teacher told us, after the opening prayer, to speak and cry and emote whenever we felt the urge.  There were no turns in this round – a free for all, and a really powerful one at that.  I cried a bit, and wailed a little, but mostly, I just spoke to all that was.  I marveled at how amazing it felt to just feel, without abandon.  To let everything come up and out and just be.  I struggled a lot, almost asking for the door a time or two, but I kept asking my body how she was, and she kept saying – I’m perfect.  Keep going.  And the room, wow was it bursting with power.  We all groaned and moaned and let these deep demons release out of us.  So beautiful and therapeutic. And then my most favorite revelation of the day come flooding through – as I called on the spirits to give me strength to make it through this, I felt my chest thrust out and my arms open wide.  ”A true warrior is undefended,” a voice whispered to me.  I sat awestruck by this thought.  Of course, yes – there is nothing to defend.  NOTHING to defend.  Against what was I defending?  LIfe?  I allowed my arms to remain outstretched and kept imagining my heart, completely exposed, seething in the oneness.  Then Teacher called for the door, and I collapsed at the opening, breathing in the cool and delicious air.

Are you altered?  She asked me.  I giggled and yelled YES, thank you!  I felt more normal than the regular waking spaces usually provided – unbridled, totally taken care of, deep into my true essence.  Wow.  We were all awestruck by the energy that was exploding in that space, and a couple of us exited the lodge to get some water, breathe, and grin like idiots.

Round 3 was for the spirits of the North – our elders.  Our ancient selves.  We had FT bring in 7 more rocks, and Teacher opened with another beautiful prayer / song.  Whereas the last round was full of intensity, this one felt more like a warm hug – soft, soothing, intensely quiet.  My posture was totally different too – I was literally falling into myself.  My chin buried into my chest, hair dancing around in sweat-soaked threads, arms embracing my legs.  I felt like an old child.  Strong.  Wise.  Calm.  The rest of my companions seemed to mirror this energy.  We did a free for all again with the prayers and emotions – but this time it was spoken, and not wailed.  We felt revelations coming in left and right – all these ancient gifts.  Breathing was easier, despite the increased heat.  One of the other apprentices echoed what I was thinking to myself – “I could stay here forever.”  At some point, we sacrificed our North plant pieces, and agreed it was time to move on.  The door opened, and we enjoyed fluids and cool breezes.  About 10 minutes later, the last round began.

The final direction honored was the East – our connection to spirit.  We all had this “go big or go home” energy about us, wanting to take full advantage of our last opportunity.  We invited FT to join us, after adding 7 more rocks (!), and it was marvelous to have his additional masculine wisdom.  He sang a song to open us up, and I just reveled in this incredible, altered, beautiful state.  I took huge, deep, gulping breaths of the sweat-laden air, soaking in the tobacco smells.  I had no tears this time, just a very full chest / heart, and more of that immense gratitude for yet another glorious adventure.  I could feel the toxins escaping every pore.  I could feel spirits literally lifting me up – clearing away the dark energies from my heart.  I remembered my best lesson for the day, over and over, saying to myself “I am an undefended warrior.”  I said very little except this – but that said plenty.  So happy.  So grateful.

And then it was over.  The door opened for the last time, and I piled out to lay in the dirt next to another apprentice, and relish the grounding gifts of Mother Earth.  We didn’t say much, the five of us. for the few minutes after the ceremony.  One of us, the Super Woman amongst us, jumped up to tend to the fire – put out the flames and secure the area.  The winds started picking up just as she did so, and I sent out a big thank you to them for waiting until we had completed our task.  Everything was in flow – so perfect.  So precious.

Once we all regained our strength, we enjoyed an incredible ceremonial meal, cooked by Teacher.  We each blessed a different dish – I got to bless the berries.  We ate the awesome food and positively beamed – all of us.  Such hard work, but such sacred work at that.  I knew I had a long drive ahead of me – 5 hours to Phoenix, where Orion would be waiting, and 5 more hours from there.  The ride home would be magnificent.  I knew that already.  But nothing would top this ceremony + meal for sometime.

And now – now I am cleansed, connected, and peaceful.  And looking to connect with locals who do Sweat Lodge ceremonies, as this was something I’d love to repeat.  Again and again.

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Apprenticeship Weekend #2 Part 1: Safety, Or the Lack Thereof

May 26th, 2010 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

Silver Leaf Oak

I am an Earth Medicine Apprentice, studying all kinds of magical shamanic and plant-based unravelings with the amazing Julie McIntyre.  In my first weekend, we set the tone for a very heart-spaced union, and begin the process of speaking with the consciousness of plants through the electromagnetic pulses of our own hearts.  The results were head-spinningly fabulous.  And so I was full-on jazzed to take on weekend #2.

We meet about once a month, from April through November – but in between, there’s homework.  In the space between weekends 1 and 2, we were asked to convene with our inner children, on a daily basis.  I meditated with mine a little bit every day, almost always in a different way.  Sometimes it was in the “normal” space of silent meditation, where I would simply call forth that childlike, intuitive, eyes-open angel inside and ask her feeling-based questions.  What would make her most happy.  What she was feeling right then and there.  Sometimes, we would sit with a plant, and she would tell me what the plant itself was feeling – healthy, vibrant, weighted, sickly, etc.  She would also tell me the medicinal gifts that plant offered, energetically and tangibly.  We had a lot of fun.  One night, she declared that for dinner, she wanted broccoli and ice cream.  I obliged, and giggled all the way through it.  I noticed I wore a lot more pony tails – two, set high up on each side of my head, just like a little girl.  I’d look in the mirror and cease to see the aging thirty-something self – the vitality looking back seemed far more ageless.

Weekend #2 started off with a quiet swoosh.  One of the apprentices decided to bow out of the experience, so we were left with just four of us total – three students, and teacher Julie.  The balance felt perfect, despite our sadness for losing our new friend.  The alchemic mix had a delicious, bonded, authentic flavor.  We were ready to go big.  We started out by sharing our inner child experiences, as well as what plants we meditated with, and the results.  Then we discussed the very intriguing notion of safety.  Teacher had us close our eyes and *feel* what the following statement brought up within:

“I need you to make me feel safe.”

It was tough for me not to giggle at the sound of that one.  I’ve done such a deep dive with the illusive bitch that is safety, I feel a definite intimacy.  I’ve called her bluff – she doesn’t exist.  And so the notion of someone else requesting that anyone outside of themselves create this non-existent notion – hilarity.  In that white-knuckled oh shit kind of way.

Think about it.  Safety.  What does that really mean to you?  And when can you actually, in all integrity, say you’re safe in a relative sense?  The world doesn’t have many consistencies, but one is that it is always changing.  Everything in flux, nothing to hold onto.  Which means you can’t guarantee you won’t get struck by lightning at any moment.  You can’t guarantee you won’t wake up with terminal cancer.  And you sure as hell can’t guarantee the person sitting across from you won’t suddenly break your heart.

Humans are so funny.  We demand this infinite sense of freedom, this staunch God-given right to be independent, individual, wild, untamed, and authentic.  At the same time, we want our lovers and our friends and especially our government to “make us feel safe.”  That’s an impossible paradox.  There is no bubble to live in where the world stops delivering it’s lovely little lessons.  And yet we want so badly to have life, minus the danger of death.  I stared this down in a glorious Ayahuasca ceremony that just about pushed me over the edge (and dammit if I didn’t run from it – if I knew then. . .)  I remember floundering in that infinite darkness, screeching for help, SOMEthing or SOMEone to hold onto, and Lady Aya just said “No.  Honey, no.  There is nothing.  There is no one.”  I get it now.  All you have is that infinite space within you – it seems to fit everything but safety handles.  And the more one surrenders into the idea that there is no way to control our lives – that it’s a contradiction just to think it’s even possible – the more the magic of the Flow really starts to unfold (apparently!).  But what a nightmarish lesson that is for most.  And if my perceptions are right, it’s a lesson that most of us don’t *really* learn until we die.  (If then, even – I’ll have to report back on that one.)

I was thrilled to get a chance to go deeper into this safety lesson, and we had a marvelous discourse about this and related topics.  Then we talked about the journey we’d go on Sunday that would defy this sense of safety – a sweat lodge.  Oh.  That sounded. . .unsafe.  Hah.

Later that first day, we ventured out into the wilderness.  It was time to connect with nature, to convene with the plants, and to bring back important elements for our sweat lodge ceremony the next day.  We hiked up a little path deep into the Gila Wilderness, and found a resting spot for the afternoon.  Then Teacher sent us off to find a plant that would embody the first of the four directions we would honor in ceremony – the South side, or the inner child, playful, happy part of us.  We were to comb the surrounding area with our inner child, find the plant that spoke to that part of ourselves, sit and meditate with it for a spell, and bring a small piece of it back with us.

My child brought me to a very pretty plant with gorgeous yellow flowers.  She was part of the pea family, this plant (pine thermoptus, if I could just spell that) – the bulbs of the flowers very much resembled little pea pods.  I felt gloriously happy around her, at first, beaming up a storm in my meditation.  But then she took me into a shadow place – my emotions shifted into a space of mild fear and resistance.  What is this? I inquired within.  Hey girl, why did you bring me here if it’s making me feel a little freaky?  My child had an immediate answer – because it makes me happy to feel.  Well then, duly noted.

Next up, we were to honor the West direction, and find a plant that spoke to our warrior spirits.  I found one very quickly.  The Box Elder.  What a fierce, challenging, ass-kicking energy it had. As I sat with it, I felt my chest keep thrusting out with strong intention.  I felt so courageous and powerful.  My third eye itched like mad.  I really dug this guy a lot.  And if I may add an element of foreshadow, he would be the one to teach me my most profound lesson in the sweat lodge ceremony the next day.  Awesome.

The third plant was to embody our elder spirit – the part within that is ancient, wise, timeless.  This was for the North direction.  I had a hard time finding the perfect plant on this quest – it took me several minutes of searching until I finally spied *it* – holy smoke did it knock me up side the head when I saw it though.  A scraggly, leathery, *fabulous* Silver Leaf Oak (see the picture above).  Now I didn’t know it was part of the Oak family when I chose it, but I did immediately *see* it’s ancient qualities.  Leaves so thick they felt like leather.  This one totally looked like a grandma plant to me.  And as soon as I sat with her, a poem came to life.  I saw a bug walking across one of her leaves and immediately, the verses came.  When I returned to Teacher after the meditation with a piece of her in tow, Teacher told me the name of the plant, and we chuckled on how appropriate that was – an Oak as my elder spirit.  But of course.

Finally, we set out to find the plant that most connected us to spirit – to honor the East.  I became enraptured by a tiny leafy green gem that spread across little sections of the forest floor.  As I stared at him, he looked like a veil – the kind that would reveal to me another way to look at “reality”, if I trusted him to take me there.  I was totally enchanted.  I lay with my face thrust in him for a long while, and I felt ego-less for a spell.  Light, airy, protected, joyful.  An Ayahuasca song came to life in my mind.  The plant told me to use all of my senses, as often as I could, to get into deeper communion with What Is.  I had my most powerful meditation of the day, and brought back a piece to show Teacher.  It was a Rue, she told me – she suspected at least one of us would choose that plant for the East.  And as it turned out, two of us did, and the third almost chose it too.  Hundreds of plants in that wilderness, and two of us chose the same one, for the same purpose.  I just found that magical.

And so ended our delicious day.  Teacher asked us to bring the plants we picked to our ceremony the next day.  We were to eat very light the next morning, get there bright and early, and prepare for a big experience.  A true sweat lodge ceremony.  What on earth what I uncover?  Would I cave and need out before each round was done, or could I hang in there and get past my mind?  Would I need to feel safe, or could I just trust the big expansive nothingness to guide me through?

Part 2 coming in a day or so :)

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Posted in Shamanism - Non Ceremonial | 2 Comments »

Tim Freke – Internationally Acclaimed Consciousness Author, Hero, and Friend

May 4th, 2010 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

“Here we are on a journey from birth to death, with an opportunity to contribute a verse to the song of life. I want to sing of a deep awake world. I want to sing of a new tribe of compassionate, creative, wise, liberated, erotic, sublime, appreciative, unique individuals, living lucidly as one and many… If you do too, let’s sing together and raise the roof.”

How Long Is Now?, Tim Freke, 2009

A little over four years ago, on that first fateful date with Seeker, he gave me a copy of a little book called Lucid Living, by Timothy Freke.  I read it the following day in one sitting – only took about 30 minutes to digest, but the impact was profound enough to shift the course of my life for good.  It packs a punch, this little morsel, and I remember exactly where I read it (in bed, broad daylight, hungover from too much drinky with Seeker) and how I felt as I meandered through it (shocked, thrilled, awed, and holy shit – SAFE.)  The book outlines a little of life’s mystery – creating a beautiful metaphor between lucid dreaming, and our so-called “waking” lives.  It is audacious and yet loving, profound yet simple, and I started looking at my world in a new light after having read it.

Tim made such an impression with this bitty beast, I did a ton of research on the author himself, and found he had created a group called the Alliance for Lucid Living.  The ALL, for short, is a group that supports people who have found their way to this awakening – to bring us all together so we can keep talking the talk, and walking the same – with support and love.  I joined straight away, and started receiving the infrequent but magnificent emails.  I watched Tim’s schedule, noting that while he did all these intriguing workshops and talks, he didn’t do them often in the states, and never in a place I could actually attend.  As I read more of and about him, however, he quickly reached hero status to me – he’s written 31 books, has a freaking awesome, British sense of humor, and just absolutely exudes Big Love (one of his trademark phrases).  I was simply enamored with his mission to awaken people to their true natures – to show the door to the Oneness with such gentleness and humor.  And success.  He has legions of folks, myself included, testifying to the power of his philosophies.  His ideas are tried, tested, and true – I’m living proof.  He helped me wake up.

Then came the day I had been waiting for.  An ALL newsletter in the summer of 2009 revealed that Tim would be speaking at the Science and Non-Duality conference in San Francisco, and putting on a day-long retreat as well.  Orion and I made immediate plans to attend both, and we had an absolute blast.  The workshop did a number on me.  Not only did I start to really feel this space of Big Love that Tim talked so much about, I got to meet this Hero of mine.  Some of us even had dinner with him afterwards.  And as Orion and I sat talking to this remarkably humble, brilliant being, we said simply “Man, come to Vegas.  We need you out there.  We’re ready.”

A few months of correspondence transpired, and lo and behold – we actually inked this desert dream.  Tim and his long-time friend and assistant Anthony came to visit us last week, here to infuse Vegas with a big beautiful wake-up call.  I had one of my heroes STAYING IN MY HOME.  We spent the week together.  He makes it hard to hold him in hero-status, however, as he’s just so human.  So full of love and lacking all that superiority business.  I, at least, had a fucking fabulous time.  We had a sushi dinner to introduce him to the community, along with a local radio interview (which Orion and I were blessed enough to assist with.)  Then we had a Stand Up Philosophy events, another trademark of Tim’s, where he gave a teaser for the Main Event and gave people a glimpse into his insight and offerings.  It was a fantastic night.  50 or so seekers heard some truth, and felt a connection beyond their separate selves.  That would have been enough.  But the money shot was coming.

Last weekend, we hosted Tim’s famous Magical Mystery Experience workshop in our home.  20 folks from literally around the world (Mexico, Britain, Ecuador, Los Angeles, Las Vegas) joined us for a deep dive into the great mystery of life and love.  Tim combines a lot of revealing, insightful banter with a bunch of intensely beautiful exercises.  They all help each participant celebrate their separate consciousnesses (for without them, we would have no identity, and no ability to reflect and experience on what we *really* are, in that awesome oneness sense), and to step outside this space and into the realm of that glorious Big Love.  It’s a tough process to describe.  But oh my god is it ever powerful.  I cried a whole lotta happy tears all weekend.  I got to share this heart-exploding experience with some of my Very Favorite People (BFF + her Painter partner, Orion, several angels from Vegas, etc.).  And I absolutely, unequivocally fell more in love with myself, my friends, and the whole wide world.

Tim doesn’t pretend to have all the answers.  He’s refreshingly honest in the way he readily (and humorously) admits what he doesn’t know.  Which, as he states it, is just about everything.  But what he does is re-awaken us to the deliciousness of life, it’s very mystery and magic.  And he’s figured out a very gentle, hugely effective way to lift folks right up into the space of oneness – of complete and utter love like you’ve never experience.

Words simply cannot express how huge and awesome this weekend was.  Tim gifted us all with unspeakable awakenings, allowed us to bond and feel the oneness with each other, and just as precious to me, became a real friend to Orion and myself.  It’s quite a miracle when someone who literally changed your life from afar suddenly becomes a very real fixture in your waking world.  First Tori Amos, now Tim Freke – and this time it’s much more real.  I really couldn’t be more grateful.

We’re doing it again this September – we’ve tentatively chosen September 3-5 for the next big event – another Magical Mystery Experience, complete with a Standup Philosophy Event on Thursday, September 2nd.

If you gift yourself with only one consciousness exploration this year, this is really, truly The One.  I’m a retreat junkie – I’ve been to many experiences that are crafted to help wake us up to who we are.  But none are more powerful – in the most gentlest of ways – than Tim Freke’s Magical Mystery Experience.  This is a safe, intimate, heart-expanding experience, and everyone who came last weekend had a profoundly beautiful time.  We’d love to see you at the next one.  I’ll keep this blog updated with the next go-round, but seriously, set your travel plans now if you aren’t already in Las Vegas.  You deserve to know this love.  I sure as hell do, and every cell in my being is still rejoicing.

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Posted in The Path of Enlightenment | 2 Comments »

“Awakening to the Spirit World” – Book Review

Apr 27th, 2010 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

Last week, I shared a little story about Sandra Ingerman, our bizarre 2-degrees-away connection, and the resulting openings I’ve had using her Shamanic Meditations CDs.  This week, I have another treat to share that is gifted to us from Ms. Ingerman – an extraordinarily special book that somehow articulates why it is shamanism means to much to me, and bazillions of others.

Awakening to the Spirit World is a sizable text co-authored by Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman (author of another one of my favorites, Medicinemaker).  The words within unfold so many layers of wisdom and intrigue, it’s hard to condense it down, but I’ll gather a few favorites and perhaps entice you to read more.  Firstly, Awakening reminds us why it is shamanism is so precious to so many, and sheds light on how what is literally the oldest spiritual practice known to humankind still not only exists, but is once again flourishing.  Speaking for myself, it is in part this long, illustrious and trusted history that at first anchored me into a shamanic awareness.  When you gift yourself the opportunity to take part in rituals that are almost as old as the human race, there’s a primal awakening the spirit takes on – a deep-rooted awareness of a timeless connection to both humanness and spirituality.  Ingerman and Wesselman ignite this mystique, this glorious intoxication, and then dive into some of the various rituals.  They invite us to create such ceremonies in our every day lives, utilizing our instincts as a guide that say how and when and where.  The invitation to take the ancient into the present has a timeless appeal – merging old and new in one fell swoop, reminding us of the construct that time is, and taking us back into the essence of who we really are.

Nature is also exposed with love and integrity in Awakening, as the authors do a magnificent job of describing the Mother’s role in our spiritual journey.  With words that are both mystifying and tangible, the connection of human to nature to spirit world is artfully defined.  Nature is displayed as a mirror for our paths – a direct reflection of our states of being.  We begin to learn how even the most mundane, stagnant items hold divination to those who know what to look for.  And we’re also shown how to use the elements to receive advice and guidance in our lives.

Ingerman and Wesselman seem to leave no stone uncovered as they discuss the myriad benefits a conscious shamanistic path can offer.  The connection between our creative selves is also unraveled, and how this relates to our spiritual ascension, and once again connects us to the Earth.  The immense significance of dreams is also demystified, with special attention shown to the visions gifted from the subconscious realms.  My favorite part of the book, however, are the chapters on death and dying.  Shamanism uses the duality of our primary reality to help us transcend beyond what is seen, and in no way is that more magically apparent then in the cycle of birth and death.  Awakening offers a shamanic perspective on what death really is, and of course, is not.  They discuss the ancient art of psychopomp – or a shaman’s ability to communicate with the dead, in order to bring back messages to the living.  And the chapter “Experiential Work with Death and Dying” is exactly what it sounds like – a chance to *experience* a bit more of the death process, and start *feeling* the opportunity it holds for us to awaken to what is, rather than believe what our fears are desperately trying to communicate.

I loved Awakening to the Spirit World for its practical, logical *and* mystical teachings.  Our world is crawling with self-help proclamations – every week, there’s a another new age way to wake up and live better.  Yet there’s something so deliciously real about taking on a spiritual practice that is almost as old as people are.  Something that outlasts religion, and stays true to the core of spirituality.  Shamanism offers a foundation for ascension, with rituals and ceremonies that help one feel connected to the whole, and yet it also absolutely insists on finding one’s own path.  Any shaman will tell you – there is no “one” way to awaken.  There is only *your* way. Awakening to the Spirit World gifts the reader with a chance to more clearly define their own path into the great unknown.  The ancient wisdom within is shared not so that you may take Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman’s word, but so you can apply it to your unique path, and actually experience the profound magic of a shamanic awakening.  I highly recommend taking this written word journey, and seeing how it transforms you too.

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Posted in Shamanism - Non Ceremonial | 2 Comments »

Apprenticeship Weekend #1: Ayahuasca Sends Reinforcements

Apr 23rd, 2010 by Tina "Kitty" Courtney

I am an Earth Medicine Apprentice, which means that one weekend a month from April through November, I will be sailing down to New Mexico for a wild adventure.  The time in between will be spent doing various tasks to connect me further to myself (hello, inner child), plants of all kinds, and the Earth itself.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg, really, and I am completely  naive as to what this will all mean, but if weekend #1 is any indication, shit is going down.  In a good way, of course.

As mentioned before, I found my latest Teacher in a most magnificent, unexpected chain of email-related events.  In a relative sense, she was not who I was looking for.  I had branched out to find someone to take me deeper into the sacred plant ceremonies, akin to the kind I took on with D2.  But when I landed on the description of the Earth Medicine Apprenticeship, I had a strong, strong inkling that it was Absolutely Perfect.  Beyond what I could possibly imagine.  And the voice that guided me to take it on was a familiar one – there was no doubt I had the support of Ayahuasca.

In the days that led up to the first weekend (I literally fell upon this opportunity 10 days before it officially began), I spent a lot of time communicating with Mother Aya.  She’s precious to me for countless reasons – the most prominent these days, aside from gifting me my truly awakened state, is that she’s a part of the relative world that I can easily connect to.  It used to be that I had an awareness of the invisibles on a very regular basis.  But when I took on the Jnana Yoga path last year, I allowed myself to dismantle my *beliefs* in these experiences, and instead dig deeper to find what was really true for me.  I found that in many, many cases, my “ghost sightings” and “psychic connections” were not what I thought they were at the time.  I began to fully own the knowledge that the whole wide world was a projection of my mind, and they was no such thing as an external element.  That said, we live in duality.  So as I’ve matured in this knowingness, I have also accepted that people and intuition and invisibles are just as real too.  Sound like a contradiction?  Well, it is.  Here’s how it breaks down for me:

Absolute Self, the one is is One with All, is the source through which “my” entire experience is created.  This is awareness itself, and is held only within.  In this sense, nothing outside of self exists.  Relative Self, however, lives and plays in this external, dualistic world.  To her / me, *everything* is real, and although I ceased honoring that for a spell, I’m back to embracing both.  The pendulum had to swing to both extremes before I could integrate this paradox.  And thanks to a recent lunch with Shakti-J, I know fully accept that both realities are true.

Yet even in my most extreme Absolute Self moments, I never could deny the very real existence of Ayahuasca and Huachuma.  They are plant consciousnesses that I have connected with so strongly, in such life-changing ways, no amount of mental insistence could push away their relative – and cosmic – realities.  For that, I am insanely grateful.  That kept me anchored in the half of Truth I wanted to reject outright.  Ayahuasca would allow no such thing.  I’ve communed with her twenty times now, and that’s just on a ceremonial level.  Biologically speaking, she’s a part of every cell now – and probably always was.  So when she leads me somewhere, and I feel her presence in the decision, I cannot walk away.  I know that it’s equivalent to God, pointing to the moon.

I’ve already mentioned what Day 1 of the apprenticeship brought me – more specifically, where I was on an intimate level as I attempted to process the enormity of my weekend.  There is a “rest of the story”. . .and it gets really beautiful.

So there I was, having spent a full day in a foreign scenario, pushing myself into the feeling spaces and meeting my latest journeying partners.  And yet, I felt a world away from the place I most wanted to be – at home in Vegas, bonding with my friend-family as they celebrated in grand style.  I hate to be left out of anything that sounds transforming, and I knew knew knew that night would be big for my favorite folks.  I was afraid, in an egoic sense, that I would somehow get left behind.  And yet, as I processed the fear and sadness around my absence, I also knew I belonged, in the highest sense, right where I was at.

As the night after Day 1 ticked on, a lightbulb went off that helped me understand how deep this pain went for me.  It felt very, very familiar, and I finally remembered why.  Back when I lived in LA, towards the end of my time there, I started spending a big chunk of each year in the Amazon, working with the plants.  And, of course, I missed out on a lot of bonding time with my LA friends (who also mean the world to me) during those excursions too.  The night I connected most to in those memory spaces was New Year’s Eve 2007.  I remembered lying in my jungle cabin, listening to the animal and insect noises, and the sound of my own sobs.  I watched the clock tick by and could tangibly see my friends – including Best Friend – living it up at an LA rave.  Dancing, just as we always had, with reckless joy and revelry – taking care of each other, falling deeper into the intimate spaces.  And there I was, going through a couple of nightmare ceremonies, confused as to why I felt called to do this bloody freak-fest work to begin with.  Yeah, it was a bit of a victim moment, but the confusion was so genuine.  I wanted to have it all, and yet the choice had already been made.

A very familiar place indeed.  In my New Mexico hotel room, I allowed these emotions to process, and cried openly as I tried to fall asleep.  I felt a sense of urgency around getting a get chunk of sleep that night, as I had an 8 hour apprenticeship session and a 10 hour drive on the agenda for the next day.  And although I’m a fantastic sleeper in almost any scenario, I seem to sabotage such things when I’m emotional and / or pressured to get ‘er done.  Outlook for slumber just did not look good.  Somehow, I found humor in this.

All night long, as I’d gently slip into sleep, lucid dreams would have their way with me.  They all felt very, very much like an Ayahuasca ceremony – the dreams were just like the visions she gifts me with.  Manic, light-filled, colorful, nightmarish, and more like an experience than a movie that passes before my eyes.  They all had the same theme, too – helping me to process that no matter how many beloveds I share this path with, it is still mine to face, all alone.  No one else can face my demons.  To illustrate this, one dream had me trying to contact Orion, via my cell phone.  The operating system on the phone appeared scrambled – everything on screen flowed like water, so when my fingers chased down the Text Message icon, it would constantly float to the other edge of the screen.  Finally, I was able to send him a message – I meant to send “PLEASE HELP ME.”  When I hit send, I could see that instead I sent “PLEASE KELP ME.”  To which he promptly responded “You want sushi?”  At least my subconscious has a a sense of humor.

And so went the evening.  I logged maybe a full 2 hours of sleep, achieved in tiny chunks, and the rest was restless, confusing, intense and emotional.  The beautiful part of all of this, however, was the presence of Observer.  The entire time, I kept a firm grip on the perspective of her, looking down with neutrality, even cracking a smile at the profundity of the goings-on.  I never bought fully into the story of my pain, only allowed it to transpire as it needed to.  This proved to me extremely gratifying – a both / and situation where I could be crazy sad, frightened, and tear-filled – but also surrendered, joyful and accepting.  I kept saying to myself “It is.  It is.”  And in that acceptance, so dissolved the resistance.

By morning, however, I was *beat*.  I sent a few forlorn but loving texts to Orion, and he gave me gushy support.  I was grateful, but didn’t really let it help me much.  Instead, as I prepared myself for the intense day, I demanded that Ayahuasca assist.  ”You got me into this bloody mess, Mother,” I told her, “please send in some help. I really can’t do it alone today.”  Then I let go of the request and left for my adventure.

Day 2 of the apprenticeship started out. . .magical.  I walked in the door and embraced Teacher, who had also had a rough night’s sleep.  We both acknowledged a lack of surprise in this, due to the work we had begun (again), and just had a shoulder shrug and a smile to offer.  One of the other apprentices had brought us a gift, however – she presented me with a piece of cherimoya.  This is fantastic, incredibly unique fruit – one I hadn’t had since the last time I was in the jungle.  Right away, I knew it was a gift from Ayahuasca.  I ate it with absolute bliss, and felt energized and taken care of.  Good start to the day.

We learned a ridiculous amount of incredible material throughout the day.  Most of it was spent in the wilderness near Teacher’s home, listening to her describe our tasks and lay the foundation for the incredible work we had already begun.  The most memorable bit of info I logged was about the heart.  Teacher is showing us how powerful the heart is, as an organ of perception, and as a center of intelligence.  She taught us that some 28% of the heart is actually made up of neurons that are just like those in the brain.  It felt real to me how powerful this area of my body really is, and how much I ignore her.  I could feel the electromagnetic field I generate absolutely radiating, and I felt so excited about what this might mean.

To illustrate just a monocrom of this power, we were invited to sit with two specific plants.  Through a somewhat involved five-step process that we had been honing all weekend, our purpose was to find out from each plant what its medicinal gifts actually were.  It seemed impossible to me that I could actually ascertain this info (although I fully held that it was possible for others), especially in my tired state, but I was certainly willing to try.

The first plant, Red Root, looked like a common bush, with tiny lavender colored flowers.  I sat with her for a long while, and couldn’t really ascertain any information.  All I knew is, being around her, I wanted to cry.  And did.  It was a cleansing cry, however – not really a sad feeling, just a “wash this clean” sensation.  Teacher allowed us each to share our impressions (which were in some ways eerily similar), and then confirmed our emotional responses.  Yes, Red Root helps cleanse emotional states, and often invokes those who work with her to cry.  Somehow, I had truly connected with her essence.  It was, also, the first time I have ever *felt* a plant’s consciousness, outside of a shamanistic ceremony.  I felt her energy, vitality, and aliveness in a way that had never been shown to me.  To say I was hooked on this process. . .

Next up, we went and sat with a Choya (or Cholla) cactus. I have a deep, deep love of cactus now (thank you Huachuma!), and this particular plant had been catching my eye all day, so I was very excited to get to know him better.  Right away, I was blown wide open by him – and truly mesmerized by the *entirely different* sensations I felt in his presence, in contrast to the Red Root. Choya made me feel vital, energized, HAPPY as all get out, and I found myself salivating a lot too.  After checking-in with Teacher, we were all once again validated.  Choya root, specifically, has dehydration medicine within.  To test this theory, we actually made some medicine in the field.  We asked a Choya if we could harvest a bit of him, got permission, and found a perfect piece.  We them ground up the root, dropped it in our water bottles – and I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel *FANTASTIC* as I consumed the root.  I felt hydrated and full of energy.  Another gift from Aya, no doubt.  Man, I was having a good day.

The apprenticeship ended, and I’ll admit – I had a bit of trepidation about the 10 hour drive, but felt surrendered that it had to be, I had work the next day, and it was worth the effort for all I had experienced during the weekend.  I jumped in my car to begin the journey, still aware that Ayahuasca had my back, and we’d make the trek together.  I checked my phone and found the most incredible offer from Orion.  He suggested that I drive home by way of Phoenix, a halfway point, and that he’d meet me at the Phoenix airport and drive me the rest of the way.  Oh my God, a miracle.  I only had to drive five hours, and the rest would be spent in the company of my Spiritual Partner.  That he would even think to do this, let alone make it happen. . .

I drove to Phoenix with a lot of happy, grateful tears.  Happy for the incredible gifts I have in life, and for allowing them to unfold – for holding myself worthy, despite my ego’s protests.  I loved my weekend – every beautiful and agonizing minute.  I loved sharing it all with Orion when I met him in Phoenix.  I love sharing *everything* with that man.  I loved that I trusted the process enough to stay surrendered, even when things got hairy.  And I love that I have six more of these adventures to look forward to.

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