Sitting down to write these words, my heart is in explosion-mode — my God have I missed this space.   There’s no where else I have had the courage to be balls-out honest, in every way – and really, as I have learned so well, that is one of many keys to this spiritual ascension we are all so hip to.  Evidence that perhaps the ego has had her lazy way by hiding.  But at least I’m here to spill.

Hi.  I have missed you.  I have missed this opportunity to surrender.  There has been no lack of effort and intent on this end to unravel, and the results have been insanely successful.  Rather than a play by play of circumstances, I will just tell you the Truth.

There is a space outside the mind so vast, so infinitely beautiful, it terrifies many of us to get there.  “I” was blessed to slip through the eye of the needle in November, during an insanely amazing Ayahuasca journey.  In a nutshell, it went like this:

- Girl spends five years climbing the spiritual mountain, taking any manner of sacred substance to exit stage left, studying with a myriad enlightened teachers, marrying a spiritual powerhouse and perfect mirror, and engaging in brutally honest self-inquiry.

- Girl takes part in ump-teenth ayahuasca ceremonies in November – three in a row.

- The first is a marvelous re-introduction — an opportunity to unravel the mystery of fear, and the realization that fear is the opposite side of the same coin that empowerment lives on.  Girl chooses empowerment, and transcends fear of the unknown.

- Girl has a hilarious night 2, thinking in fact that she won’t even drink aya that night, that instead she will just be of service to those who are Going Big.  The shaman instead pours a 3x the usual dosage and tells her to “trust.”  What the hell.  In she goes.  And it is AWESOME.  Heinously powerful.  Yet the shift she had been dreaming of occurs – the ability to be in multiple spaces of consciousness at the sane time.  The ability to have the massive personal experience, and be very, very present in the room.  Hands are held, heads are caressed, tears are shed with others – all while the internal revelations are revealed.  Absolutely epic.  A true shamanic step UP.

- Girl then resolves to go very, very big on the final night.  The only intent is to surrender – seriously this time, with no fingers crossed behind the proverbial back.  No expectations of reward either.  Just this desperate, sincere request to the medicine that She help girl just Let Go, at long last.  Girl does just that.  So much so that she dissipates – goes into the ethers of the Void, and does so with complete awareness.  No more I.  No more anything other than Everything.  It lasts twenty minutes or so.  Then “she” comes back.

- Girl takes a while to figure out what the hell just happened.  Then it starts integrating, revealing its mysteries.  Girl can’t really describe what the new state of consciousness is – the same, but vastly different.  Personality has returned.  Animation has returned.  As has the awareness that this is a magnificent, profound dream – created by the Source, which is anything but personal.  And officially, and always for every more, All Is Full Of Love.

So where does that leave “me”?  The exact same place I was before – but this time, with a heart-spaced knowing.  I look at the world of people now and see masks that attempt to cover the Oneness, yet they are all so transparent.  I don’t see the egoic “me” everywhere, but I do know the essence of ALL is US – separation is an absolute joke.  Finally, the awareness of my celluar being has caught up with the wisdom my heart always knew.  I wish I could dole this out like mashers at a shelter.  I wish all egos would drop for just an instant, so all apparently separate beings would know who the unified WE really is.  Oh my goodness ya’ll, it is BEAUTIFUL.

My own work has just begin.  Knowing is not an end game, not so long as my spirit takes a body.  There is a newfound urgency around life, along with an awareness of the lack of meaning – at least in the way I used to hold it.  Yet there is strong awareness that the part of this consciousness that thinks itself real will always do so, and gets to be honored in this space.  It is play time, in the highest sense.  Time to be love, in every way possible.  And that is an infinite learnign process.  Good thing, or I would fear getting bored!

And so I can’t help but ponder as 2012 has now tackled hugged us all – how will this story continue?  I foresee a billion and one awakenings, the majority shifting into oneness consciousness.  And with that, a helluva lot of destruction and chaos.  That’s the rub of duality – it’s the structure by which our balance depends on.  You know the old saying – Take the good with the bad.  Well, I would add to that – see the bad as good, too, and you’re literally in heaven.

As I lay in bed the night after the unraveling, an image appeared to me in my lucid state – a mirror appeared, and in it I saw my smiling face, with a beautiful red dot in the center of my third eye.  That red dot represented Enlightenment.  It was always there, not under, but above my nose – waiting to be rediscovered.  As it is for us all.  There is nothing to seek, nothing to wish for, nothing to find – just your true self waiting for you in every moment.  And while there is no formula by which this is revealed in all it’s glory, just know it is possible, for all beings.  This seems to be the year for us to realize that, too.  Why not, ya know?  God placed this burning desire to Know Ourselves in each and every unified heart – seems silly to postpone the inevitable

Happy New Year.  What an unspeakable joy to ascend with you.

I have no business blogging right now.  I’m riding on very little sleep, working insane hours to get a product launched (ZuCamp, if you care to spy), and I have a glass of bubbly in me, so I’m saucy. Indeed.  It’s a little insane how much I’ve taking on lately – June is shaping up to be Crazy and Mad As Hell month.  That’s a grand set of circumstances to test my surrender abilities, and all this “it’s not real, remember who you are” revelations. Yummy.  BRING IT.

Next week, after another Earth Medicine Apprentice weekend, I’m headed to LA with Orion.  Our visit has many reasons, but at the heart of it all, we are going to see his brother Zen.  Zen is deeply immersed in round 3 of lymphoma.  He first contracted the disease at age 19.  He thought he beat it, but it came back a few years later, at the prime of his newfound adult freedom, and it really kicked his ass.  He subsequently developed various drug addictions, and hit that dreaded downward spiral.  Somehow he rebounded, found a fantastic wife, beat the cancer yet again, and settled in for the rest of his life.  Then a month or two back, the cancer returned – more vicious than ever.  It almost took him from us in the early onset – white blood cells tanked, body temp skyrocketed – a death recipe if ever there was one.  But Zen is a fighter, clearly, and he came through again.  Thanks in part to all the incredible healers and prayer-minded powerhouses we employed to get him through.

Zen is currently receiving chemo directly into his spine.  He’s in crazy pain, hazed by all the medication and madness, and really dying to *heal*.  He wants to live, he’s willing to look at why he manifested this illness to begin with, and as such, I have stepped in to help in any way I can as well.  I can’t tell you what this means to me.  I haven’t even met Zen yet – we’ll do the honors next week.  But I have connected with him – deeply, profoundly, infinitely.  He’s Orion’s brother, for Divinity’s sake – it doesn’t get more sacred to me.  Zen allowed me to do some shamanic journeying work for him, and it took me just a few minutes of deep meditation to find his spirit animal and his cosmic energies.  I burst into tears at the meeting actually, because I felt him so profoundly, and I just loved the being I discovered.  Zen is a Libra, to the core, and they, along with Aquarians, are my absolutely favorites.  I saw Zen at age 18, before he ever knew that cancer would be his demon.  He was so devilish and sweet, so vibrant and funny and just balls-out nutty.  And as I meditated with Wolf, his power animal, and this image of Zen, I felt those parts of him that had never changed.  The awareness that still oozed mischief and playfulness.  In those moments, I knew that he could beat this, if he wanted to.  And I promised to do everything I could to help him get there.

Up until these moments, I have been shy about any healing abilities I may or may not have.  Hell, I still am.  I lay no claims to super powers.  I only know I’m a vessel, and that I *want* to be of service in this way.  It seems that’s all it really takes – declare to the universe that you’d like to help heal, and you will find a way to make it so, if your sincerity is unbreakable.  Ever since I was a child, I wanted to help.  At first, it was to be as a psychiatrist, then a neurologist.  Eventually, I gave up to “professional” aspirations and just acknowledged that it was enough to be the friend you could call at 3 AM and spill your guts too.  Later on, as I discovered Ayahuasca, I thought she would only help me heal myself.  But Aya and San Pedro / Huachuma have shown me a different path.  This is my way to service.  Humility, although an absolutely Godly treat, need not be the only focus when one is ready to heal.  I have been hiding behind an “I’m not ready” veil.  But tell that to someone whose hourglass is dribbling down to the last grains of sand.  Zen needs help, and he doesn’t have time for my modesty.  And so I’m so honored to just step it up and say – OK, let’s do this.  Let’s heal.  I don’t do the work anyway.  I just open myself up to be the vessel.  The best healers get the hell out of the way from word one.  That’s my only job, really, and I can do this now.  For Zen, for Orion – for the Greater Good.  Nothing like jumping into the fire, eh?

When I visit Zen next week, I have in mind some radical approaches, should he be willing.  I should say, should I be willing.  I’m still a little freaked out by taking ownership of this, as the stakes. . .couldn’t be higher.  But I keep seeing visions of how I can help Zen help himself, and who am I to hide behind my fear of inadequacy, when someone just wants to live?  I will have employed all my healing partners-in-crime by then, with advice and support beyond measure.  Zen himself wrote me today and said he’s ready for a miracle, that he needs all the super powers Orion and I can muster.  It’s like Aya has been preparing me for such things since the very first sip.  Is anyone ever really ready for such do or die moments?  Likely not.  I’ll do what I have to, with tears of gratitude to boot.

In the middle of all this, I’m also moving into a new home – along with Orion and Hijo.  A marvelous home, with a lush plant-filled back yard and pool.  Orion and I are riding out yet another foreclosure home – this one belonging to my angel ex-boss – we’ll live there until the bank kicks us out.  Then there’s the chiropractor – seeing a new doc (Badger, his actual last name) several times a week to try and fix this years-long wretched pain, and really abnormal spinal curvatures.  It seems like every adjustment stirs up more emotional shit too – like there’s an ocean of things that have been laying dormant inside those disks and nerves, and every crack sends more to the surface.  The Apprenticeship will no doubt be intensely interesting, and this work launch is completely annihilating.  But it’s all so, so glorious.  I have regular moments of staggering clarity.  I’m laughing all the time about the cosmic joke of separation.  I’m feeling immense connections to those I love, those I like, those I dislike – everything everything.  These are amazing times.

I would be lying if I said I was unattached to Zen’s survival, though, and that’s something I’m looking at with a very clear mirror.  Do I want him to live because suddenly I’m involved?  Yes, I suspect that’s part of it – I want to feel like I have some purpose in these spaces, some actual abilities.  That it’s not just my head thinking she’s something something.  Ego is always there, and I see her for what she is.  But I also connected so strongly with how much life this man has left to live.  It doesn’t have to be his time – I know this unequivocally.  He can change his story, with hard work, integrity, and openness.  And what an incredible, immense, beautiful gift that I can carry – the chance to shine a little light.  He has to do the work, not me.  And yet, he is me.  I feel him and I feel our mutual essences.  Zen shows me the parts of me that are both decaying and dying, and dying to live.  These are the money shots in life.  The chances to see the real Truth of what is.  Whatever happens, I know I won’t be looking away.  It’s the kind of challenge I’ve built my life upon.  Heart – stay open, alert, alive.  In those feeling spaces.  I’ll need every tear and every truth I can find.

“Is it real this infusion
Can it heal where others before have failed?
If so then somebody
Shake shake shake me sane
’cause I am inching ever closer to the tip of this scorpion’s tail”

- Tori Amos

I am an Earth Medicine Apprentice, which means that one weekend a month from April through November, I will be sailing down to New Mexico for a wild adventure.  The time in between will be spent doing various tasks to connect me further to myself (hello, inner child), plants of all kinds, and the Earth itself.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg, really, and I am completely  naive as to what this will all mean, but if weekend #1 is any indication, shit is going down.  In a good way, of course.

As mentioned before, I found my latest Teacher in a most magnificent, unexpected chain of email-related events.  In a relative sense, she was not who I was looking for.  I had branched out to find someone to take me deeper into the sacred plant ceremonies, akin to the kind I took on with D2.  But when I landed on the description of the Earth Medicine Apprenticeship, I had a strong, strong inkling that it was Absolutely Perfect.  Beyond what I could possibly imagine.  And the voice that guided me to take it on was a familiar one – there was no doubt I had the support of Ayahuasca.

In the days that led up to the first weekend (I literally fell upon this opportunity 10 days before it officially began), I spent a lot of time communicating with Mother Aya.  She’s precious to me for countless reasons – the most prominent these days, aside from gifting me my truly awakened state, is that she’s a part of the relative world that I can easily connect to.  It used to be that I had an awareness of the invisibles on a very regular basis.  But when I took on the Jnana Yoga path last year, I allowed myself to dismantle my *beliefs* in these experiences, and instead dig deeper to find what was really true for me.  I found that in many, many cases, my “ghost sightings” and “psychic connections” were not what I thought they were at the time.  I began to fully own the knowledge that the whole wide world was a projection of my mind, and they was no such thing as an external element.  That said, we live in duality.  So as I’ve matured in this knowingness, I have also accepted that people and intuition and invisibles are just as real too.  Sound like a contradiction?  Well, it is.  Here’s how it breaks down for me:

Absolute Self, the one is is One with All, is the source through which “my” entire experience is created.  This is awareness itself, and is held only within.  In this sense, nothing outside of self exists.  Relative Self, however, lives and plays in this external, dualistic world.  To her / me, *everything* is real, and although I ceased honoring that for a spell, I’m back to embracing both.  The pendulum had to swing to both extremes before I could integrate this paradox.  And thanks to a recent lunch with Shakti-J, I know fully accept that both realities are true.

Yet even in my most extreme Absolute Self moments, I never could deny the very real existence of Ayahuasca and Huachuma.  They are plant consciousnesses that I have connected with so strongly, in such life-changing ways, no amount of mental insistence could push away their relative – and cosmic – realities.  For that, I am insanely grateful.  That kept me anchored in the half of Truth I wanted to reject outright.  Ayahuasca would allow no such thing.  I’ve communed with her twenty times now, and that’s just on a ceremonial level.  Biologically speaking, she’s a part of every cell now – and probably always was.  So when she leads me somewhere, and I feel her presence in the decision, I cannot walk away.  I know that it’s equivalent to God, pointing to the moon.

I’ve already mentioned what Day 1 of the apprenticeship brought me – more specifically, where I was on an intimate level as I attempted to process the enormity of my weekend.  There is a “rest of the story”. . .and it gets really beautiful.

So there I was, having spent a full day in a foreign scenario, pushing myself into the feeling spaces and meeting my latest journeying partners.  And yet, I felt a world away from the place I most wanted to be – at home in Vegas, bonding with my friend-family as they celebrated in grand style.  I hate to be left out of anything that sounds transforming, and I knew knew knew that night would be big for my favorite folks.  I was afraid, in an egoic sense, that I would somehow get left behind.  And yet, as I processed the fear and sadness around my absence, I also knew I belonged, in the highest sense, right where I was at.

As the night after Day 1 ticked on, a lightbulb went off that helped me understand how deep this pain went for me.  It felt very, very familiar, and I finally remembered why.  Back when I lived in LA, towards the end of my time there, I started spending a big chunk of each year in the Amazon, working with the plants.  And, of course, I missed out on a lot of bonding time with my LA friends (who also mean the world to me) during those excursions too.  The night I connected most to in those memory spaces was New Year’s Eve 2007.  I remembered lying in my jungle cabin, listening to the animal and insect noises, and the sound of my own sobs.  I watched the clock tick by and could tangibly see my friends – including Best Friend – living it up at an LA rave.  Dancing, just as we always had, with reckless joy and revelry – taking care of each other, falling deeper into the intimate spaces.  And there I was, going through a couple of nightmare ceremonies, confused as to why I felt called to do this bloody freak-fest work to begin with.  Yeah, it was a bit of a victim moment, but the confusion was so genuine.  I wanted to have it all, and yet the choice had already been made.

A very familiar place indeed.  In my New Mexico hotel room, I allowed these emotions to process, and cried openly as I tried to fall asleep.  I felt a sense of urgency around getting a get chunk of sleep that night, as I had an 8 hour apprenticeship session and a 10 hour drive on the agenda for the next day.  And although I’m a fantastic sleeper in almost any scenario, I seem to sabotage such things when I’m emotional and / or pressured to get ‘er done.  Outlook for slumber just did not look good.  Somehow, I found humor in this.

All night long, as I’d gently slip into sleep, lucid dreams would have their way with me.  They all felt very, very much like an Ayahuasca ceremony – the dreams were just like the visions she gifts me with.  Manic, light-filled, colorful, nightmarish, and more like an experience than a movie that passes before my eyes.  They all had the same theme, too – helping me to process that no matter how many beloveds I share this path with, it is still mine to face, all alone.  No one else can face my demons.  To illustrate this, one dream had me trying to contact Orion, via my cell phone.  The operating system on the phone appeared scrambled – everything on screen flowed like water, so when my fingers chased down the Text Message icon, it would constantly float to the other edge of the screen.  Finally, I was able to send him a message – I meant to send “PLEASE HELP ME.”  When I hit send, I could see that instead I sent “PLEASE KELP ME.”  To which he promptly responded “You want sushi?”  At least my subconscious has a a sense of humor.

And so went the evening.  I logged maybe a full 2 hours of sleep, achieved in tiny chunks, and the rest was restless, confusing, intense and emotional.  The beautiful part of all of this, however, was the presence of Observer.  The entire time, I kept a firm grip on the perspective of her, looking down with neutrality, even cracking a smile at the profundity of the goings-on.  I never bought fully into the story of my pain, only allowed it to transpire as it needed to.  This proved to me extremely gratifying – a both / and situation where I could be crazy sad, frightened, and tear-filled – but also surrendered, joyful and accepting.  I kept saying to myself “It is.  It is.”  And in that acceptance, so dissolved the resistance.

By morning, however, I was *beat*.  I sent a few forlorn but loving texts to Orion, and he gave me gushy support.  I was grateful, but didn’t really let it help me much.  Instead, as I prepared myself for the intense day, I demanded that Ayahuasca assist.  ”You got me into this bloody mess, Mother,” I told her, “please send in some help. I really can’t do it alone today.”  Then I let go of the request and left for my adventure.

Day 2 of the apprenticeship started out. . .magical.  I walked in the door and embraced Teacher, who had also had a rough night’s sleep.  We both acknowledged a lack of surprise in this, due to the work we had begun (again), and just had a shoulder shrug and a smile to offer.  One of the other apprentices had brought us a gift, however – she presented me with a piece of cherimoya.  This is fantastic, incredibly unique fruit – one I hadn’t had since the last time I was in the jungle.  Right away, I knew it was a gift from Ayahuasca.  I ate it with absolute bliss, and felt energized and taken care of.  Good start to the day.

We learned a ridiculous amount of incredible material throughout the day.  Most of it was spent in the wilderness near Teacher’s home, listening to her describe our tasks and lay the foundation for the incredible work we had already begun.  The most memorable bit of info I logged was about the heart.  Teacher is showing us how powerful the heart is, as an organ of perception, and as a center of intelligence.  She taught us that some 28% of the heart is actually made up of neurons that are just like those in the brain.  It felt real to me how powerful this area of my body really is, and how much I ignore her.  I could feel the electromagnetic field I generate absolutely radiating, and I felt so excited about what this might mean.

To illustrate just a monocrom of this power, we were invited to sit with two specific plants.  Through a somewhat involved five-step process that we had been honing all weekend, our purpose was to find out from each plant what its medicinal gifts actually were.  It seemed impossible to me that I could actually ascertain this info (although I fully held that it was possible for others), especially in my tired state, but I was certainly willing to try.

The first plant, Red Root, looked like a common bush, with tiny lavender colored flowers.  I sat with her for a long while, and couldn’t really ascertain any information.  All I knew is, being around her, I wanted to cry.  And did.  It was a cleansing cry, however – not really a sad feeling, just a “wash this clean” sensation.  Teacher allowed us each to share our impressions (which were in some ways eerily similar), and then confirmed our emotional responses.  Yes, Red Root helps cleanse emotional states, and often invokes those who work with her to cry.  Somehow, I had truly connected with her essence.  It was, also, the first time I have ever *felt* a plant’s consciousness, outside of a shamanistic ceremony.  I felt her energy, vitality, and aliveness in a way that had never been shown to me.  To say I was hooked on this process. . .

Next up, we went and sat with a Choya (or Cholla) cactus. I have a deep, deep love of cactus now (thank you Huachuma!), and this particular plant had been catching my eye all day, so I was very excited to get to know him better.  Right away, I was blown wide open by him – and truly mesmerized by the *entirely different* sensations I felt in his presence, in contrast to the Red Root. Choya made me feel vital, energized, HAPPY as all get out, and I found myself salivating a lot too.  After checking-in with Teacher, we were all once again validated.  Choya root, specifically, has dehydration medicine within.  To test this theory, we actually made some medicine in the field.  We asked a Choya if we could harvest a bit of him, got permission, and found a perfect piece.  We them ground up the root, dropped it in our water bottles – and I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel *FANTASTIC* as I consumed the root.  I felt hydrated and full of energy.  Another gift from Aya, no doubt.  Man, I was having a good day.

The apprenticeship ended, and I’ll admit – I had a bit of trepidation about the 10 hour drive, but felt surrendered that it had to be, I had work the next day, and it was worth the effort for all I had experienced during the weekend.  I jumped in my car to begin the journey, still aware that Ayahuasca had my back, and we’d make the trek together.  I checked my phone and found the most incredible offer from Orion.  He suggested that I drive home by way of Phoenix, a halfway point, and that he’d meet me at the Phoenix airport and drive me the rest of the way.  Oh my God, a miracle.  I only had to drive five hours, and the rest would be spent in the company of my Spiritual Partner.  That he would even think to do this, let alone make it happen. . .

I drove to Phoenix with a lot of happy, grateful tears.  Happy for the incredible gifts I have in life, and for allowing them to unfold – for holding myself worthy, despite my ego’s protests.  I loved my weekend – every beautiful and agonizing minute.  I loved sharing it all with Orion when I met him in Phoenix.  I love sharing *everything* with that man.  I loved that I trusted the process enough to stay surrendered, even when things got hairy.  And I love that I have six more of these adventures to look forward to.

If you’re reading this, you probably already have a pretty good notion about what aspects of shamanism this blog tends to focus on.  That would be the sacred plants.  As most of you know, in April of 2006, I embarked on a a journey of a lifetime that landed me in the Peruvian Amazon.  I was blessed enough to find myself working with two master shamans, and after three Ayahuasca ceremonies, I was literally reborn.  I would later discover a true affinity for Huachuma ceremonies as well, and can easily point to these experiences as part of the core reasons I am a beaming, vibrant, genuine, enlightenment-chasing love-cat.

I am not alone in these awakenings.  Many, many souls over literally *centuries* of shamanic work have found true healing and connection with the all by working with the plants.  But shamanism isn’t limited to ceremonial, ritualistic plant-work.  The word “shaman” itself means “one who sees in the dark”.  This does not imply that plants are the only means by which we can truly see.  I’m not expert in this field, but the more that I discover, the more I realize – wow, there is no “core shamanism” (despite the arguments of Michael Harner).  No, shamanism is as personal as we are.  Although dozens of cultures have embraced the practice of shamanism almost since the beginning of Earth-life, there are very few golden threads.  In that short list exists a connection with nature, a recognition that the reality we experience is not *the* reality, and that, simply put, there is more to this world than meets the eye.

These days, most who find their way into an Ayahuasca ceremony do in fact achieve immense healing and onion-peeling beauty.  That said, most do not suddenly dive headfirst into a love affair with shamanism itself.  This is where I differed – an extension to my life path that still leaves me awed.  I was a corporate executive on the path to world domination, living the grand LA life and doing it all in designer threads.  How could I have known that I was destined to be “one who sees in the dark?”

You know how when you go into a pet store or a shelter with the intention of finding your dream pet, they in fact choose you?  How that Cocker you had your eye on just up and ignores you, while the French Bulldog is proposing puppy-marriage, and shocks with you a heart-melt?  That’s what shamanism did to me.  She fully and completely seduced me, without any understanding on my part as to why.  I had my healings, I reaped the benefits (and could continue to do so) – but why the continued interest in *being one*?

However it transpired, in the immortal words of the alien squeakie from Toy Story, “I have been chosen!”  And since that realization, I have naively supposed that all things shamanism must in fact be gravy.  In the highest sense, this has been the case, but I’ve been blessed to narrow the field as of late, and find a more focused frequency for me to dance to.  At the same time, horizons have dramatically broadened.

A few weeks ago, I attended a weekend seminar from the Foundation of Shamanic Studies.  This foundation is headed up by Michael Harner, an esteemed PHD who has attempted to condense all shamanic cultures into the aforementioned “core” groupings.  This intrigued me.  It’s very Western in its approach – sort of a “one size fits all” methodology, by no means aiming to dilute the complexities of shamanism across the planet, but instead finding those golden threads.  I learned all about journeying, power animals, divination, drumming – all kinds of yummy aspects of this tribal, connected world.  And make no mistake, I *loved* these processes, and resonated with many very deeply.  I did not care for my instructor on any fashion, however, as I felt a serious disconnect.  This “core shamanism” structure seemed to accomplish the exact opposite of its expressed intention.  Instead of celebrating this practice, it instead felt watered down and almost powerless.  And more poignantly, there was a definite dismissal of any “niches” in the traditions.  Perhaps this is because there is a fear of legality, or just done out of necessity (the classes are short and you can’t talk about it *all*), but I felt a serious judgment of *my* branch of shamanism, and I find this wonderfully ironic.  I used this perceived judgment to find the truth within – looking at my mirror, reflecting back the resistance to plant-work, I found the space within that still had judgment herself.  I talked with her, I listened to her, and I found it was just a fear of being ego-less, of being who I really am.  Having uncovered this, I gleefully powered on.

Coming out of the experience, a fire was once again blazing within.  I had all kinds of new tools in my arsenal – tools I have been using ever since.  I journey regularly (a form of meditation – the shamans were the first meditators, and I adore this process immensely) now, communing with my awesome power animal (a jaguar named Satcha that I met in my very first Ayahuasca ceremony).  I feel much more whole and complete as a shamanic practitioner, and am even interested in having my own healing center using these methods some day.  More timely, however, I remembered who *I* am in the shamanic spaces – I am a plant healer.  There will be no more pretending.

In the weeks since, I have gone full scale in finding my next teachers in these spaces.  My purpose is twofold – first, I’m focused on finding an accomplished healer that will work with my fabulous desert friends.  There are many of us now here in this community that have either had remarkable results with this process, or are ready to dive into these intense and powerful realms.  Nothing makes me happier than to watch healing unfold, and to play my role in helping to facilitate these transformations.  I have since found several potential healers, and the logistics are underway.  All thanks to an intuitive tip from Guru Pranananda.  This domino effect has been magical – put your focus on something, and holy catnip does it ever light-up.

Most surprisingly, I uncovered the exact teacher I have been passively, and now actively, searching for since I found this path.  I’ve been on the lookout for an apprenticeship of sorts, but really unsure about how that would look.  I figured I’d find a traditional plant-healer that was willing to work with me in various capacities, and that would be that.  But by declaring my intention and then *detaching* from the exact results. . .I found so, so much more.

Through a remarkable email thread, I landed in the inbox of a woman named Julie McIntyre.  She’s an accomplished healer and shaman, with a vast array of expertise.  And as luck would have it, she is starting an apprenticeship for a few select individuals *this very weekend*.  It’s an 8 month program called an Earth Medicine Apprenticeship.  She will be teaching us all kinds of esoteric, magical shamanic intricacies, such as using the heart as an organ of perception, engaging the fruitful darkness (something she calls “Eating the Shadow”), and of course plant identification and medicine-making, Earth-style.  She sealed the deal for me when she stated simply that the states of mind I reach in an Ayahuasca ceremony are reachable without a drop of the brew, and she can help me get there.

Since my first sip of Ayahuasca, I have continuously stated that that is the ultimate goal – to access those spaces without the need for the plants.  Aya has served as a memory of sorts for me (and thousands of others) – taking us into our true power, beyond the limitations of the “normal” conscious state.  There was simply no way I could pass up this opportunity.  So,  I will be making the 10 hour one-way trek to New Mexico once a month for the rest of this year, juggling an insane schedule and taking a huge leap of faith to go deeper into these mysterious worlds.  I am overjoyed, a little freaked out, and totally energized.  I feel the power of Ayahuasca within me, as I always do, but she herself is directly guiding me to this experience.  It’s interesting, as I am no longer an externally focused being – I fully accept that everything manifested in my world comes directly from within.  That said, there are people, spirits and invisibles that I have manifested to work with me, in order to transcend the idea of separation.  Ayahuasca is one such powerhouse.  And so I will follow her, into the dark, the light, and everything in between.  This is one of those mysterious chapters – what will come of this adventure?  What exactly will I find?  Stay tuned, as I will no doubt reveal all to the glorious blogosphere.  Until then, besos!

Next time, let’s talk Tantra, shall we?

Just in time for the new year, there are numerous endings, beginnings, and transformations.  Mostly, I am staring down the truth of my divine creations – and acknowledging that the being beyond my false sense of self has everything under control.  Go, that-girl.  Go go go.

Backstory time – what’s a blog without the details?

Pi is a controversial but sacred soul.  He’s reached enlightenment (I rather dislike the “reached” descriptor, because it was gifted rather than attained, but whatever – he’s There.)  He’s new to those spaces, however, and because he doesn’t fit the mold from which most of us craft our completely false sense of true self-realization, he’s a button pusher like no other.  I met him early this year at one of Orion’s events.  He immediately had a very positive effect on me (how many peeps can say THAT, Pi?)  But our second conversation – that’s when the party really started.

It was February 13th, day of the divine romance (so dubbed by Guruji P), and Z plus the ashram crew had arrived for a big enlightenment event.  Lots of folks came, including the beautiful fiancee of the man I was about to fall madly in love with.  I, however, was still fully with Z, and realllly committed to making the evening a huge success for him.  This was his night, his chance to share his toe-touch in the other world, and he was mad nervous as public speaking made him waddle and sweat.  The evening went quite well, however, and everyone stayed to socialize after the big speeches commenced.

Pi had some rather animated discussions with various members – a trend I would realize in the coming weeks.  He’s just aces at exposing and dismantling belief structures, so he’s rather like a human bug zapper – people gravitate around him, protest and argue, then either surrender to his rightness, or storm off in a huff.  Usually the latter.  Anyway, several folks had  had their fill of Pi – including Healer, who was completely flummoxed by Pi’s insistence that A) he was in fact enlightened and B) he had no big-huge-godlike-divine-world-changing-purpose.  Since this did not fit with Healer’s current “enlightenment picture”, the conversation had been heated.  But suddenly, there we were – Pi and myself – eyelocked on the couch, and immediately engaged in the most unexpected conversation.  The room had also mysteriously cleared out as we began to speak – everyone scampered off to the kitchen, except us.  He said words to me that were clearly, clearly channeled from outside his mind, and they were so spot on targeted to my innermost self, I was pretty much flattened by the intimacy.   The topic: Tantra.  Something I held a deep affinity for, but next to no knowledge – and Pi said some pretty out-there, but perfect for me, goodies.  Once our chat ended, Pi took his exit, and I was left feeling completely and totally altered.  An attempt to traverse the room ended in a near flop-over.  I was giddy.

And later that night, through a completely unplanned and totally cosmic conversation with Z, our relationship ended.  I had no memory then (or now) of how that happened, or what was said.  But he heard something in my words that I didn’t consciously put there – it was rather like the channeling Pi had done for me.  Z said to me, about 4 AM, during our really heated exchange – “Do I hear you breaking up with me?” And tearfully, yet  stoically, I said – “Yes.”

That was the boulder, sent rolling down the hill.  And today, another boulder was pushed off to follow. 

In the months since, Pi and I forged a deep but short-lived bond, then mutually accepted significant distance so that other connections might neatly form.  Both of us, actually, created a beautiful connection with Orion.  Orion became the love of my life, and one of Pi’s closest friends.  I bowed out of the intimacy out of respect for both men and honoring what felt right, but I’ll admit – ever since then, in growing doses, I have missed that Pi-connection.  We see each other alllll the time, so it’s not a withdrawal in that sense, but I knew what a profound teacher / friend he was / is for me, and my egoic self felt really jealous at the relationship I saw with Orion and Pi.  I had a sense of loss there without really understanding why.  Finally, in the last week, I acknowledged this to Orion, and this morning, did the same to Pi.  Why?  Because it’s time to change the game.

It all began on a couch with a chat about Tantra.  And early next year, Pi is starting a Tantra meet-up group — a group I’m more excited to attend than any other.  Patience has paid off.  I just trust that this is a wonderful next step for all involved.  The rightness of the timing, integrity, and true intentions of all involved is just mind-numbingly beautiful.  It has already meant that I should be so lucky as to grow even closer to both Orion and Pi.  I’m seriously spilling over with gratitude.

And as this all transpires, an ending has landed at my feet as well.  One I’m both shocked by, and completely un-surprised over.  Yes, both.  Shaman and part of the affectionate Dynamic Duo – the team I’ve been working with on Aya this last year – well, that’s a donesville chapter.  There’s no dramatic story around the why’s – it’s just time.  My heart said so.  I’m closing a door so I may clear space for my next mentor – one I can go even deeper into this process with.  Here and now, I am called to own these shamanic energies I have been gifted access to – not unlike the way Pi owns his Tantra wisdom.  I was not feeling that unfolding with D1.  But this isn’t the easiest of door-closes.  I literally just gave up my easy access to Ayahuasca. My shaman who made house calls.  I will finish up a promise to connect a current wave of seekers to him, but I won’t be attending – which, I’ll admit, hasn’t fully hit me yet.  Or rather, hit the emotional side yet.  But make no mistake, this is hardly the end of my Aya chapter.  I have a conference / workshop in March that just found me (literally five minutes before the falling out with past-shaman), and if that doesn’t lead me to the next connection, something else will.  Ayahuasca is already working on this with me, I can feel that.  So instead of lamenting a loss, I’m excited for a beginning that hasn’t (tangibly) begun.  How’s that for abstract?

There’s so much more happening, but these are the current heart-stamps.  Orion and I will be ringing in the new year together tomorrow, and we’re 1 week away from the “I met you exactly one year ago” marker.  Amazing.  That same day, we’ll be motoring down the highway to our 12 day silent meditation retreat.  Oh, the places we go.  And the love that we know.

As we noodle down the treacherous and oft overwhelming path ala enlightenment, many of us pound our heads against spiky walls out of sheer paradoxical frustration.  It seems every luminous enlightenment being speaks a different language.  Sometimes it feels like no one is really pointing at the same moon – that this is all a crazy game with no real ending.  That there is no such thing as realization at all.

And yet, when dropping the logical constructs of the mind, there is more than just a something there, drawing me into its womb-like clutches.  What is it, really?  I don’t know.  But I’m learning one alarmingly simple yet devastatingly challenging way to get there.  I have a lot of wise teachers feeding me equal doses and beauty and bullshit, and in their cryptically direct banter, I’ve found one radiant consistency.  Mac said it this weekend, and I’ve heard Pi and Pranananda say pretty much the same thing – whatever (or whomever) you choose to get you there, it doesn’t matter.  Just surrender.  Completely.

Just.  Surrender.  Hah.  Just like I (think) I know what enlightenment is not, I’ve uncovered a million ways / reasons / opportunities to *not* surrender.  I have never fully surrendered to a lover.  I never surrendered to authority of any kind – parental, priestly, etc.  Ayahuasca, though she’s given me no reason not to, has never felt me hand it *all* over to her.  There’s always a shred or more held back – just in case.  To keep the illusion of control.  To have a tether into this world, into my mind, in case this is all just a load of baloney and I give away everything – thoughts, heart, breath, life – for a naive, selfish notion that there’s something more.

But here’s the rub.  I have been granted a whole gaggle of spiritual experiences.  Ayahuasca has shown me the primal energies from which I came from – the golden threads that lead all the way back to the beautiful nothingness.  Huachuma showed me my true God reflection in the face of a sacred stone in Peru.  I have *almost* dropped the “i” now on several occasions, becoming the all – and feeling what it is to be the movie, the projector, the observers and the space in between all three.  And no matter how strong my ego becomes, no matter how much that uncertainty wants to scream out her cautions – I don’t believe them.  I don’t believe much of anything anymore.  But I do know there’s more beyond what “I” know.  

I can’t stop what’s coming.  It’s inconceivable to me to go back to the unconscious self.  I’m not really in the state of seeking, but I sense with an insatiable magnetism that there is more to know.  I travel deep into my heart space an unequivocally realize there’s nothing else for me but this.  Not awakening itself, necessarily. but the walk to greet her.  The willingness to own my divinity.

Mac told us last week to stop calling this enlightenment – to hold it as liberation instead.  This facilitated a great shift in me later that week – I came to know in every cell that absolutely nothing about me has to change in order to awaken.  Nothing.  I don’t have to be less egoic or more pious and meditate 20 hours a day or eat raw vegetables with unsoiled hands.  There is nothing I have to do or be, because nothing about me dictates this liberation.  It was a massive relief, a huge opening that allowed me to feel whole and complete.  I could have hugged myself.  Instead, I stared at my reflection in Orion’s beautiful eyes and felt the truth.  This is who we are.  And it’s in those eyes that I found a key.

This game is all about surrender.  And while I understand it doesn’t matter what you surrender to, as long as you do it completely, I realize my mind isn’t going to accept just any authoritative illusion.  I intend to work on surrendering to everything and everyone in every moment, but in order to amp up the game, I’ve chosen two very specific targets.

One is obvious – ayahuasca.  I’ve danced with her almost 2 dozen times now, and I know we have more time to know each other.  I can conceive of a complete willingness to surrender to her chaotic yet nurturing strength.  But those opportunities are scarce – a few times a year or so.  Still, I feel in my heart she can take me there.  I know that *anything* can, it’s just that I feel I can convince my mind to give me one minute of freedom – to hold her breath, and that of my body, and surrender to death by the vine, in order to let light in.  Yes, we can do that.

The other is, in many ways, far more terrifying.  I’m in tears just feeling the very real willingness, and the very real fear – the former from heart, the latter from mind.  I will surrender to Orion.  Not him as a human, per se – as an unreal ego – but as my connection to Shiva.  I can’t remember a single time in the last (almost) year that I’ve known him where I’ve been able to see anything but his greatness.  I have never known a more pure and unconditional love.  I trust his intention, I trust his own connection to divinity – and so, I can’t shy away.  We’ve started practicing tantra together – a very respected yogic path to enlightenment – and I feel as though. . .well, we’re on to something.  It’s both thrilling and horrific.  Whee.

Kat – the name I have for my little egoic self – is so fucking scared of this.  But in a moment of incredible clarity this weekend, I was able to pacify her long enough to open a huge portal for us.  I gave him complete freedom to be who he is.  I dropped the restrictions previously agreed upon in our bond, with respect to sexuality, and asked him to just be.  Integrity is still integral, but rules no longer apply.  And although I shake at times when I realize what this could mean, I also know that this is part of my divine surrender.  I trust the universe (me) to manifest the best possible outcome for us both.  But if I tell God I want it my way only, there’s nothing else He / She / We can do but give it to way I demand.  I’m past that now.  In this relationship, I will not be ruled by fear.

So there I’ve done it – dropped all sense of security and yet, at the same time, promised to throw my all into surrendering to this, my partner and love – the God that he is, and the God that I can allow him to show me.  Kat is so fearful she’s barely uttered a protest.  It’s paralyzing and beautiful.  There’s such a rightness to this act that I feel a glow inside, way deeper than any perceived tremble.  

I want and deserve my pot of gold, should the universe see fit.  And I’m showing Her I’m willing to drop *all* attachments to awaken.  I guess that’s why they call it liberation.  Just the act of doing so makes me feel so much closer.

Calling for my soul / At the / Corners of the world – (Tori Amos)

Serpent Mesa, Howard Lawler, Amazon

I had procured Huachuma cactus sometime ago, with the intention of embarking on a sacred ceremony in the near future. A little blurb was scribbled into my to-do list recently: “Schedule Huach. Ceremony”. I guess by that I meant: “Dive in, and fast.”

Orion went forth on another vision quest recently. When he returned from the last one, I (seemingly) fell to pieces. There’s an inner conflict in me sometimes that spurs me into a competitive spirit with regards to this spiritual path wildness. I *know* how off kilter that kind of motivation is, spurred forth by a fear of being left behind, instead of a sincere knowingness about what’s right for me. But there’s a panic that has previously stirred, and she sometimes drives the bus right off the nearest cliff.

On this, his second trip to the desert, we were both in spectacular spaces. I have parred back my own “must do’s” in my spiritual path, and instead have found a groove that just feels right. My own. Mind you, there’s a whole lotta objection going on internally at times, telling me I’m not doing enough, or that I’m doing things incorrectly, but I’m learning more and more to reign that in and just be as I need to be. And let Orion do the same. Lately, that’s not only been working, I’ve also surrendered to the beautiful task of elevating him all the more. What’s my biggest (small) fear, anyway? That he reach the top of the mountain first? Pshaw. There is no worst case in this mixture. I would be so, so honored to be by his side and witness such an opening. He is not only my partner, he is a very tangible extension of my own consciousness. As each of us receives new openings and expansions, so does the other – it’s the magic of this oneness. So yes, I know better. But I don’t always show it.

He went out some days ago, and I felt thrilled for him. Another chance to slip past the egoic spaces and connect with his divinity. There can never be too many. As I pondered my evening’s events, however, something occurred to me – I have Huachuma at home. I, too, can have a journey.
But I wondered – is this in integrity? Am I motivated by the desire to “keep up”, or does this feel destined?
I asked the universe for a sign and received what I felt was a very, very clear one – affirming the timing and the rather spontaneous idea. I was off to the races.

This was my first solo ceremony, my first experience finding my own brew. I had some powdered cactus, the same varietal I had used in Peru, and I had already researched preparations and dosages. So I lay out all my favorite mesa items – objects of power and inspiration – and lit some candles, then I mixed up a big glass of San Pedro goodness.
Goodness? No – thick, putrid, stomach vile-tasting nastiness is more like it. Thankfully, it’s common practice to chase the drink with lemon water, and that helps neutralize the flavor. Plus, Grandfather Huachuma hasn’t got anything on Mother Ayahuasca when it comes to taste. About 30 minutes later, I had downed my targeted amount, and the journey began.

Huachuma is so different from Aya. Where the latter is like an axe wielding maniac sometimes, diving into my consciousness with a brute force I couldn’t dream of combating, the former is more like an uber-intense electrical current, but one you actually have to reach out and touch. He pulses with every aspect of life, and within him swirls every secret, and every bit of knowledge. But he makes you work for it. He asks that you come to him – with reverence and sincerity, curiosity and surrender.

The night unfolded elegantly. I walked around a lot, asking questions on the insides, finding more of myself. And at other times, I lay curled up by the fireplace, transfixed on the flame licks, and on the movement of the mesa. I was shown the backside of my fears, revealed to be empty. Like a theater curtain hiding a stage that sounds like it’s bustling with activity, but in fact doesn’t contain a soul. Yes, of course. My fears are all self-made, and non-existent at that. There’s nothing behind them to make them tangible or real. I loved this reveal. And so many more.

He basically kept guiding me through different layers of life and divinity. I felt humbled and cocooned, but also confused and amateurish. I sat at the mesa absolutely awestruck by the tools I had before me, but without the knowledge of how to really use them. I felt a calling to find a local huachumero and huachumera – someone who can show me how to work with these energies, rather than just fumbling blindly in the dark by myself. I trust the teacher will find me when the timing is right. And it’s not as if I didn’t learn an immense volume of tricks and gifts – I just know my training will be accelerated when I find a true master.

The entire evening, my main experience was safety. A sense of cocooned protection so real it had a taste to it – rather like soil and feathers, cotton and rosemary. He showed me the highest way to work with his energies – outside, in daylight. Do regular journeys in this fashion, and then the occasional nighttime journey when I had the need to integrate. He showed me how on Huachuma, I’m able to see things as they really are – there’s nothing magical in his visions, only the removal of our conscious barrier. The veil that normally sweeps across my mind’s eye is dissolved by San Pedro, and with practice and concentration, I can make this a permanent experience.

And that’s when it hit me. Why the alternate name for Huachuma is San Pedro. I translated this in my head – Saint Peter. Who is Saint Peter? The man who greets us at the gates of heaven.
Aw yes, the one who will lead me to enlightenment.
It all just. . .clicked. This was *my* path – at least in the given moment. I allowed for the chance to drop shamanism from my experience at any time, but also owned the rightness of our current connection. Perfection. I glowed for hours.

And yet, there was a single distortion – I knew down deep I hadn’t been totally honest with myself, or San Pedro. I had taken this journey out of fear, in a way – not wanting to miss out on my chance to go deep, just like Orion. I confessed this to San Pedro, and he held no judgment. Just warmth. He acknowledged this truth, and said he’d take me however I came to him. That my reverence was no less diminished, but if I wanted to, I could heal that part of me. The small child, the little girl who didn’t want to be left behind. The critic who always tells me I’m never doing enough.

I didn’t go as deep into that healing as I know I will with Ayahuasca, but it opened, and some revelations came through. Seedlings. It won’t be long now.

Yet this distortion still had some spike left to it. When Orion came home, things started out beautifully. We shared our stories, and I basked in the glow of his magnificent experience. We were so happy for ourselves and each other, heart-spaced, clear, open – all good things.

Until an odd little chat on the bed turned into a painful shift – all because I wouldn’t fess up. I didn’t admit to being out of integrity in my motivation (although that’s not what the conversation was about, that was the underlying unconscious out-of-whack energy), and therefore lost my grip on my clarity all together. It was a subtle slip, but Orion saw through it in an instant. He called me out and I denied it. And that caused a riff that would unravel, rather magically, in the next 48 hours.

As Pranananda says, intent is 90% of the game. Since mine was about 20% laden in a lie, the repercussions were waiting. And I loved every one.

It’s a phrase that has been running in my noggin incessantly these days — “Nothing is as it seems.”

But what does that mean, exactly?  What am I trying to tell myself with this bizarre little nugget of wisdom?

It came to me today.  During coffee with a new / old soul that has already transformed me.  I’ll call her Shakti.  She has been integral to my most recent unraveling, and the profundity is starting to materialized.  Lest I think that this mind I’m wrestling with isn’t a powerful beast – I had another borderline mental breakdown last week, involving perceived infidelity and a wild little spiral, of which Shakti helped to orchestrate, albeit unknowingly.

Orion is a tough one to be in love with, from an ego’s perspective.  He does not feed me “forever baby” bullshit, as we are now-focused beings that don’t dare promise anything of tomorrow.  I am also aware of his adventurous past, and he’s wonderfully honest about his desires and intrigues.  To sum it up, the boy is very sexual, very *very* charming /attractive / magnetic, and he isn’t brainwashed by the typical monogamous “supposed to do” programming.  These are all things I positively adore about him, in the highest sense, but a comfortable ego they do not make.  Also a stroke of perfection, as it allows me to be uber-honest with myself about my fears and insecurities.  If I try and project that stuff on him in a distorted fashion, he has none of it – just a neon sign that says “that shit don’t work here, yo”.  And so if I want harmony and honesty with him (which, of course, I really do), then I must only be truthful about what *I’m* experiencing, and not so quick to blame one smidgen on him.  There is no him in the grand scheme anyway, righto?

And so it goes that a week or so back, I decided to freak myself out.  I came home from work after an estranged day of communication with Orion (only my perception, mind you) to find he wasn’t home.  Unusual for that hour.  And my first instinct, clear as a church bell, was that Orion was spending time with Shakti.  I called him, he answered, and guess where he was?  Yup, at her house.  I promptly hung up and dove into my ego’s projections.  He’s cheating.  Found greener pastures.  Connecting with someone who can hand me my ass in the spiritual space.  There goes the house of cards.

I lay down in bed in a meditation pose and went deep into these stories, without resistance.  My body shook, my heart slammed away inside, and my head went on a wild ride.  I felt myself saying internally that I deserved this anyway, that this was karma.  But I allowed myself, every so briefly, to believe the story – Orion was with another woman.  I felt it with every cell.  

And then I laughed out loud.  Hysterically.  Belly shaking laughter that ripped me out of my meditation and back into the Maya, this time with a new point of view.

It took the rest of the evening to totally dismantle the false programming, and a really wonderful heart-connected talk with Orion, where I confessed the whole shebang.  But by then, I saw what was *really* happening.  My mind tried to paint me a picture of infidelity, in order to finally get me back under her spell.  Orion is often the villain during those power plays, as no one has ever supported my ascension more than him.  Once again, I came to know how nothing is what it seems – and that’s just the tip of the spirit-berg.

This all helps me recall a moment after the second Ayahuasca ceremony – my cracking open experience.  I had finally pulled myself out of the devastating funk I had fallen into that day, and fell in step beside Denise, a lovely wise woman from Colorado.  I don’t recall which one of us said it first, but we lamented on how “normal got erased last night.”  And then we laughed at the concept and the truth of it all.  We would never see things the same way again.  That has proved to be mind-shatteringly true.

Coming back to Shakti, as I sat across from her today and heard he sincerely tell me she loves me and trusts me, I could only grin and sincerely tell her the same.  This is the other piece of the puzzle, of course – ego wants me away from her as well.  She’s very, very powerful – more in the ownership of her divinity than just about any other woman I have met.  She and I are starting a very electric bond now, and the depths of where we will likely go together is not something I can begin to put my head around.  I know this, and therefore understand how it is I tried to keep her away with a wildly false made-up tale.  

Fear is a tricky one.  But I’m finding the corners where she dwells in, blasting her with the light of integrity.  I will not be tricked out of my awakening.  Writing that makes my head buzz, my eyesight brighten, my skin spring up in awareness.  I will not hold myself back from my divinity.

Getting in the car after the coffee time with Shakti, I couldn’t stop chuckling to myself.  At the synchronicities, the perfect unfolding, and the thought that maybe, just maybe I’ll start catching these little tricks a little earlier.  That maybe I’ll own the knowledge that “nothing is as it seems” so much, I start seeing what really is.  Yeah, strike the “maybe” business.  I’m on my way.  And I know just the people who can keep reminding me of the Truth.

No, it’s not just you – the blog has been on hiatus and unaccessible.  I made a few changes (new WordPress installation so that I may be omnipotent) but have been woeful about getting it back up to speed.  Apologies for the absence.  Not like it’s been too much of a depravation.  Right?  Don’t answer that.  

Hi there.  

I re-connected the other day with a wild child I met in the jungle on both my first and second trips to the Amazon.  He’s completely immersed in the plants now, and graciously invited Orion and I to visit him in Florida for Huachuma ceremonies.  I am so ready to deepen my relationship with San Pedro.  Ayahuasca herself has revealed my affinity for the grandfather wisdom, and I see myself facilitating ceremonies with the brew in the very near future.  The neurons are firing over the possibilities.  I am ecstatic at the future Ayahuasca adventures.  Today is the kind of day where I can’t stop saying thank you for the chance to go so far beyond my ego with the beautiful ancient practices.  I can feel in my bones the excitement I have to look forward to.  A golden thread in a sea of invisible tethers – I will be liberated.

More, soon – when things are back in digital order.  Until then, may all your moments be enlightening.

“When shall I be free?
When I shall cease to be.
No more I, but we…
In perfect harmony.”

- Shpongle

An open letter to my spirit mother

I will be with you again tomorrow night. Our nineteenth dance, followed by the twentieth. There’s a corner in there. I am turning already.

I bring to you all of me – not just the select bits I’ve offered up in the past. It’s effortless with the painful parts – those are always the things I ask you to heal.
Migraines.
Asthma.
Self-hatred.
Fear of death.
Broken familial relationships.
Drug and alcohol addiction.
Severe depression and erratic mood swings.

You’ve taken them all and flicked them off me like lint. I should say we. This is a group effort. You, Don Rober, Howard, The Duo, myself – along with everyone I’ve shared the space with and everyone who’s cheered me on. There is no such thing as alone, in the quest for healing, or elsewhere.

This time, I’d like to bring you the things I don’t want to heal. Odd, that. But they are attachments, or at least, they represent the possibility of such, and I want no such thing. Yet the small “I”, the frightened little ego-self, she’s rather fond of life’s tapestries these days. She eyes them with a ferocious, protective stare, daring the world to place a paw on these prizes.
My heart, however, invites you into these sacred spaces. We humbly request that you snip away the curled claws, like tiny strings wrapped around a Christmas gift. It is understood that unless I can offer up my dearest treasures, I will eventually create the loss of them. And I will never reach the place of self-realization. There is no room for the divine in a being who builds walls and limitations. Mine have all been bulldozed. I’m letting the light in.

I give to you, then, all that I have amassed in this dream Vegas life. You brought me here, remember? I had no idea what I was doing, vetting off to the desert for a vision quest. But you showed me the old ways, how they ceased to serve me. You gave me the fire and strength and clarity to walk away from my perceived security, and into the gloriously dark unknown. For me, that meant leaving absolutely everything familiar. 13 years of my Hollywood life. Friends and libations and special watering holes and roads I knew how to navigate with my eyes sewn shut.

It wasn’t an easy transition. The loneliness I confronted felt crippling at first, but you were always there. You would pick me up and lead me to the alter when the breakdowns left me paralyzed. You would flash within me a glowing orb of bliss when I would swear I had fallen back into the abyss. You gently reminded me that everything was perfect, in all ways, and showed me how I had the resources to create everything I dreamt of.

Now. . .Now. Now is so beautiful. That I should know a fuller experience of Now is the first immense blessing. More of that, please – this incredible awareness. This willingness to see *everything* that is revealed.
And all these things I have in my reality – all these things I have sourced the power to dream into the waking life -
I give them to you. All of them. They are not mine to own.

The little house I bought in an impulsive rush – I don’t need it. I don’t even live there anymore.
The three cats I sometimes think I’d die without – they’re foolish, those thoughts I have. I willingly release these cherished beings to you, whenever they are called. I do not wish to keep them here for selfish reasons.
The magnificent job I enjoy so much, in the most entertaining industry. This office full of people my heart just adores. I will walk away in a heartbeat, the moment I hear the calling. Or I will stay for a lifetime, despite my ego’s judgments or protests. Whatever it is that defines my highest good – I accept.
The car, the clothes, the mansion I am living in, the endless list of stuff that has recently amassed – take it. Really. It’s yours, should I need to let it go. I have no claim to any of it.

And here are the big guns. I’m crying now, because of the profundity. Because of the sincerity. I don’t *want* to lose any of this, mind you, but I know you understand the sentiment. I have learned, as one Teacher says, to offer up my bliss like a string of pearls, and throw them onto the alter.
Well, here they are. That which I love the most.

The closeness I have with Mom these days – how amazing it is to have her just 90 miles away. The way in which we support each other, in all vibrations and spaces. I will sacrifice that, too, if you tell me that is Right.
The Guru, The Teacher, The Enlightened Friend – all those who have achieved that which I hold in the highest — if I never see them again, I won’t resist. I will just say thank you, in every conscious moment, for having them in my life at all. For everything they have gifted me.
The Best Friends – and God, is this an impressive list. LA angels I have left behind in the physical, but certainly not in the emotional / spiritual. And the Vegas souls that leave me awestruck and humbled. I have forged bonds here that should have taken years and more to solidify, but because of you, Ayahuasca, my heart just opens, and we just *are*. So incredibly close. But I would give them all up should the Universe request it. Not without a rainstorm, mind you, but the willingness is no less sincere.
Hijo. The stepson I have recently offered up my heart to. The beautiful being that has accepted, and given his in return. My newest teacher. The bond I never ever thought I’d actually know. Walking away would be staggeringly difficult, Aya, you know this. You showed me my maternal self, after all. But I know how fragile and fleeting every moment is. I know it may serve us both to separate, in an instant. Should that transpire, I will obey. You have my word.
And yes, there is Orion. He is Love. Responsible for helping me to know more joy, more ecstatic, unified oneness than any other being I have shared my true self with – my true and present Partner. What don’t we share? It’s endless, and yet, we really are ok with an ending. Whatever awaits, we welcome it. I will not lie to you, I choke on the idea sometimes, I feel breathless at the maybe loss of him, but it’s all because of my willingness. This surrender, she is a floodgate for me. Because I’m actually tapping into what love is. Loving myself enough to honor what is best for all, in every moment. This is not ownership, or possession, or a fearful lockdown. I am grateful for every moment of our togetherness. I am present with this Love. Whatever the future holds, I am thrilled to welcome it.

So, thank you, so much, for the infinite transformations you have already gifted me with. You are patient when I need it, strong and defiant when I won’t back down, and always, always loving and protective. Just like a mother. I love the part of me you represent. It’s the highest self I have access to. I will never stop giving you gratitude.

See you tomorrow, my lady. I’ll be the one with the open arms, full to the brim with offerings. Take whatever you see fit. I will love you all the more.

Ready and willing,
me