Two very distinct and paradoxical reasons have kept me from blogging lately:

1) So bloody much has happened it’s daunting to try and cover all the ground in a genuine, detailed fasion

2) Much of what keeps transpiring is from the space where words cannot go, so how does the unreal ego / identity self truly convey what is?  She can’t, she won’t, and yet it’s so cute how she tries.

Here I am, trying.  Playing in the illusion of the word space.  *splishy splashy*

Shpongle is playing – “Botanical Dimensions”.  Appropriate and inspirational.  Here I go.

I will soon post a full report on the latest Huachuma adventure, #7.  I cannot dishonor the massive revelations by making them footnotes.  Likewise, I recently returned from a ridiculously profound 11 day silent meditation retreat, following the Vipassana technique.  That’s gotta be at least 2 big downloads.  For now, I’ll just speak what is, in this space, in this smattering of awareness.  

First, the “apparently” tangible spaces: big changes.  Huge.  Happy, scary-in-a-good-way, heart thumping cliff dives.  I left the current day job today – a space I’ve been truly joyful in, challenged, and appreciated for well over two years.  As far as office jobs go, this has been my favorite.  I have never had an office environment that allowed me to be who I am before, in complete freedom and acceptance.  That’s been huge, as it’s provided the space for me to go deep into the enlightenment game, and not make any apologies along the way.  Sure, they’ve labeled me a bit strange in these parts, but I can’t think of a place that wouldn’t be true.  Except in Sunday Sangha, the weekly spirit-family that talks nonsense and yet understands each other.  Yum.

But something found me literally out of the blue these last few days – an opportunity that felt so all-over right, I had to jump in.  I’m now VP of Production for an online children’s content group.  I’ll be working *remotely*, from my happy little home space, on beautiful, uplifting, feel-good projects for little people.  The team I’ve connected with (only via phone thus far) are absolutely stellar beings, and I’m overjoyed at the intense challenge, and the chance to do it all from my sacred space.  This will mean more face time with Orion and Hijo, and *that* is worth it’s weight in diamond dust.  The new occupational adventure begins.

The other big news – I’m finally diving headfirst into Tantra.  This is a path that has been on my radar since teenage-dom, truly, but it’s never called loud enough for me to go full-on.  I can’t even say I understand one iota of what I’m getting into, but like the job above, it just feels right.  Pi has kindly taken on the role of teacher for those of us interested in taking on the task, and I’m melting with gratitude for what I feel this means.  Getting closer to him, to Orion, to myself, to God.  All the same, all different – all just freaking awesome.

I know that Tantra will / is shaking up my paradigm of sexuality too.  I know that I will enter into energetic spaces that are powerful and vastly unfamiliar.  This is another step in the self-transformation – dropping the identity to become divine.  I finally have a partner that makes this feel real, safe, possible – in every way.  So why not, you know?  The energies are calling.  I know this will require surrender like I have never known – just what Ayahuasca has been preparing me for.  Integrity in the truest sense.  A willingness to go deep into the emotional spaces.  So in addition to the Jnana Yoga fun I embark on every week with the spirit-family, and almost every waking moment with Orion, I’ve got a new game to play.  One that requires me to use my body to transcend.  That’s the big daunting prospect, as we have only recently become friends.  I am finally in the place of feeling mad-comfortable without clothes.   I used to refuse to look at my naked body in the mirror, and now I look to her with fondness and love.  Shower her with compliments and acceptance.  That alone is a miracle, so what does Tantra have for me next?  Woof, I can’t imagine.  But all systems go anyway.  It’s really starting to get fun in these parts.

I did my first Tantric ceremony this weekend, solo, building a mini-temple in my bedroom and practicing new meditation methods and body affirmations.  Lots of time spent naked, laying in front of a mirror, being with what is instead of what I want to be, body-wise.  And finding such a peace, such a vast amount of gratefulness, for the image that is reflected.  I saw how it wasn’t “me” that I was looking at, just this lovely house that has agreed to carry this energy for a duration.  Knowing that my body is the only thing that is mortal, I’ve suddenly felt such a softness for her, such a need to take good care and spoil her while I can.  Enough with the horrendous thoughts about her imperfections – we had over 3 decades of that.  Time to play a different game.

There’s a rightness to all these big shifts, a sense that I’m a tiny piece of popcorn about to explode to the next fluffy level.  There can’t be any knowingness of what that actually means, but all senses are buzzing with approval.  I’m right where I need to be, following the intuitive guidance system, and feeling my heart open more and more.  Knowing there is no “I”, only a We.  All of us, one masterful God, pretending to play separate games, pretending that there is anything other than divinity in our midst.  Silly humans.  We do love a good acting shenanigan.  But my favorite part – unraveling that game.  Full exposure.  All naked and shivering, starring into the light of what is – and isn’t.  

As a woman in this Tantric dance, I get to be the darkness.  The room by which the energy enters.  Woman is the environment in the sexual act, the part of the duo that holds the space and allows the light to enter.  There is no light without darkness – darkness is always there, holding court, wrapping its arms around illumination, and everything in between.  The space where everything and nothing dwells.  What an honor to hold that capacity, to get to own that knowingness as Orion and I see each other as Divine.  Not just in our minds, but with all of our beings.  I can’t think of any greater adventure – to use our bodies in order to leave our bodies.  Oooh, tingles.  

*Flittering away*. . . .

“If heaven and hell decide / that they both are satisfied

Illuminate the “no’s” on the vacancy signs,

If there’s no one beside you / when your soul embarks,

I will follow you into the dark.”

- Death Cab

Intellectually, I know what’s transpiring.  I have poured myself into integrity, into finding out my true self, and relinquishing the ego’s stronghold.  I have declared truth at all costs, willing to feel whatever I must to liberate.  But oh my fucking god, sometimes I feel like it’s killing me.  (That’s that small me talking, and I suppose she feels that way because. . .it’s true.)

This last month has been like the opening line of A Tale of Two Cities – the best and worst of times.  And everything in between.  I have had authentic, heart-stopping moments of complete surrender, complete knowingness of my divinity, and complete ownership of what this world really is and isn’t.  Coupled by breakdowns so painful, I literally feel like I’m being split in two.

I’m in the space of the latter right now, although it’s a crowded space.  There are two very real points of view – sometimes many more.  The disappointing thing is that the small side keeps getting the upper hand.  I have wailed with sadness and pain today.  And then hopped RIGHT back to the kind of surrender that would make a Taoist ogle and ahhh.  I’m dizzy and tired and I want to scream, cry, and laugh hysterically.  All at once.  Which, if I’m counting correctly, has already transpired four times.

Why the insanity?  It’s all a matter of contrast.  I have wisely chosen a partner that is immensely powerful, and equally dedicated to this path.  Maybe even more so – another petty fear.  And while my process is ripe with emotional outbursts, head-splitting terror, and ridiculous little sob stories, his is as graceful and joyful as any I’ve seen.  He just had another incredible, indescribable experience – so close to knowing the All it feels completely inevitable.  And nobody – nobody – deserves it more.  He is transforming so much and so fast, sometimes I feel like I don’t know him.  But then I see his eyes shining at me, and realize it’s the *real* him.  He is so, so beautiful.

But I am torn to absolute pieces over the stark, embarrassing, and devastating contrast between us.  The more he shines, the more my insecurities and fear rise up and threaten to strangle me.  I am so damn beaten down and so ready to take on all the more – both at the same time.  It’s (sometimes) overwhelming.  I’m a walking contradiction, a non-stop paradox.  And I wonder why I am so afraid of losing my sanity.

Pi, your words of wisdom are my anchor right now.  I know I’m in a state of resisting this painful process, which is really where the rub is.  As you always say, “whatever state you’re in is perfect”.  Adya has the perfect words for this too – “when the resistance comes up – gently ask yourself: Is there a reason I need to resist this?”  When I do so in my quiet voice, all of me breathes a sigh and answers – No, I guess not.

As much as I don’t know any other game to play other than this big cosmic whirlwind, for now, I don’t know any other way to play it.  I ache for the ease / grace / flow I see reflected back to me by Orion.  But apparently I don’t want it badly enough, because I keep feasting on the darkness.  I know why.  It’s where my power is.  But in this small space in which I currently dwell, I resent that.  Because I’m really, really afraid I won’t always be able to fight back.  Not that it matters in the grand scheme, but I’m well aware this game is anything but small.  The stakes get higher as my ego’s resistance intensifies.  It’s only a matter of time before one of us wins.