* Takes place in a remote retreat   * Men and women are separated at all times   * Retreat uses “noble silence” – this means we don’t utter a peep to each other during our stay, nor do we make eye contact.  This is to maintain a respectful vibe, and to allow us to fall deeply into our processes.   * We meditate for a total of 10 hours and 45 minutes a day, broken up only by meal breaks.  * Evenings include a 90 minute video discourse from Guru Goenka, the current enlightened master presiding over this process.

Going into this adventure, I’ll admit I was more than a little petrified.  I could barely eek out a solid 10 minute meditation, let alone a gargantuan 100+ hour 10 day meditation extravaganza.  As the day drew closer, so did my panic level.  But then a funny thing happened.  On the day we drove the four hours to our destination, I hit my most peaceful, surrendered, happy state.  I knew what I was about to experience would be colossal, challenging, beautiful and nightmarish.  But I found the space within that said Yes to it all, and thusly gifted myself with a graceful, joyous entry into the unknown.

The first night we arrived, we all had a last talkie-filled dinner, heard the instructions from a staff member, and hit the start of noble silence.  Along with the first meditation.  I hit my stride right off.  The first few days, actually, were easy-peasey.  I bounced around the campus with a vibrant grin, absolutely loving the vegetarian fare, the quiet pace, the delicious silence, and the very relaxed meditations.  For those first 3 1/2 days, all we did was focus on our breathing – specifically the area around our nostrils.  Anapana meditation, as it’s referred to – and oh my God, I just LOVED it.  I had gone into the Vipassana journey expecting serious rigidity – insistence on sitting still during the hour+ meditations, staff-hawks watching our every breath, bamboo rods smacking me when I had a twitch.  And none of this transpired.  It was an honor system, anything goes experience (minus talking, and the meditations WERE required) – I found it simply lovely.  Not easy, but awesome.  My ego was doing backflips.

On day four, dubbed “Vipassana Day”, the whole experience got kicked up about four trillion notches.  We learned the real Vipassana meditation technique, founded in core Buddhism, which involves the following:

* Observing sensations in every part of the body   * Sending our awareness part by part throughout the body, and noting what is  * Reaching a state of equanimity for all that is uncovered, whether or not the sensations are painful, pleasurable, or anything in between  * NOT MOVING ON IOTA FOR A FULL SIXTY MINUTES, NO MATTER WHAT

It’s the last one that got me.  I see myself as a fidgity, manic, energy-crazed creature who moves, almost all the time – even in sleep.  This is why meditation was always a challenge – I had an internal dialogue that told me I couldn’t sit still.  And it’s external as well – I’ve heard such feedback since I was a screechy tyke.  Going into the first 60 minute “Sitting of Strong Determination”, as they refer to these particular meditations, I was all aflutter.  I felt like there was no freaking way I could bang this out.  Not move for a full hour?  While scanning my body and remaining neutral to all sensations?  Shit – getting my dream threesome with Monica Bellucci felt far more probable.

And yet, I wanted it.  I wanted this victory so bad I was dizzy with my focus.  This meditation was a crucial one, because if I failed, I’d have resistance for the entire rest of my journey.  I needed to prove something to myself in a big, big way.  So I dropped the rest of the meditation technique for this particular sitting, and simply promised myself I wouldn’t move.  The entire 60 minutes, I ran one thing and one thing only through my over-active noggin: YOU ARE NOT MOVING.  There were profanities, as well as gentle guidance, included in the midst, but that was the gist of it.

Of course, I chose a position that would prove to be insanely painful in about, oh, 2.5 minutes.  Great.  An added challenge.  I took it all in with all this new gusto.  Nevermind the screaming pain in my right hip.  Forget about the intense muscle cramping in the lower back.  Just sit still, for chrissake, and show you have the cajones to get through what thousands before have done with ease.

When the meditation ended, I cried.  Seriously.  Because I had actually done it.  Not a muscle moved for the full 60 minutes.  No, I wasn’t exactly equanimous to the pain I had experience.  Nor was I above the absolute elation I felt to having accomplished my goal.  But all that was fine – I had laid the needed foundation.  I could freaking DO this.  Hot. Dog.

The rest of the retreat was a veritable roller coaster of emotional mayhem.  For the most part, I stayed in a very peaceful state.  But around day 8, ego started having a field day.  She was already screaming up a storm in the internal dialogue, having gotten wind of all this no-mind meditation crap.  She had long since been playing god-awful muzak on repeat in the headspace – shit like Lady Gaga played on repeat, at increasing volumes, despite my efforts to turn it off altogether.  But I understood her resistance.  I was taking away a big chunk of her power.

So she retaliated with annoying pop tunes and large doses of anger.  I wasn’t so fond of Guru Goenka’s evening discourses, nor his horrifically repetitive audio bookends to each meditation.  The man insists on chanting / spinging as entries into and exits out of each meditation, and I am not exaggerating when I say that is the WORST VOICE I HAVE EVER HEARD.  He plays it up for emphasis, too.  That’s how these enlightened chaps roll.  They live to torture our egos.  And I live to take it in

ANYway, I finished the retreat with flying colors, and was so, so proud to see how well Orion did too (although not in the least bit surprised.)  We had ourselves a grand contemplation during those 10 days, and left with heaps and heaps of satisfaction and gratitude.  As we drove home, we laughed about the egoic resistance, the fact that Orion almost got kicked out for exhibiting “unstable” tendencies (stories for another time – and man are they GOOD), and the wild things we witnessed internally and beyond.

We marked Vipassana as a very successful venture, right away.  Yet it wasn’t until 2-3 days later that we really started feeling the benefits.

Orion and I had a another awakening the Monday after we returned – one that actually happened *simultaneously*.  We had never experienced a unified transcendence before – and laughed later about how un-surprised we were that we had managed to manifest such a thing.  Anyway, as the no-mind state really started to permeate into our cells, we both experienced another layer of ego-death.  It was so magical and meaningful/less that I really can’t describe it.  But really, what we learned about Vipassana is that we really don’t know what happened there, on a mind-level.  It changed us, that’s for sure.  We got closer to the Truth, which is really the core reason why we do *anything* these days.

How this all relates to the now: I am deep into the awareness that I have been resisting this lessons in mass quantities during the last 30 days or so.  I have an earache, jaw pain, and several angry teeth that tell me this and more.  These are signs that my body has been talking oodles to me, and again, I have chosen not to listen.  Even though Vipassana taught me this was, in part, the path to enlightenment.  It starts in the body, and I feel that to be absolutely True.  So here I am, trying to ignore my pain and messages, trying to focus fully on the external world and ignore the main priorities – to transcend into the ethers of awareness and know the true nature of reality.

That’s what happens when I touch the sun – I fall back down to earth, and ego clings all the more ferociously.  I am grateful to my body for alerting me to my unconscious ways these days, and am taking steps to come back into the nothingness.  Meditation, shamanic journeys, and a heightened sense of awareness are all on the menu.  As always, it feels so lovely to wake up again.

Would I do another Vipassana?  Probably not.  I recommend it whole-heartedly to anyone who feels the calling.  For myself, I just didn’t jive with Goenka in any fashion, and feel a big block to going deeper with his teachings.  That said, I am *all* about the silent meditation retreat – and will actively seek out another opportunity to try something new in this space next year.  Feels like a lovely yearly tradition – to shut up for 10 days and listen to what is.  Maybe then I will learn to do so all year round.

“You want a love which is born out of meditation, not born out of the mind.”

- Osho

Two very distinct and paradoxical reasons have kept me from blogging lately:

1) So bloody much has happened it’s daunting to try and cover all the ground in a genuine, detailed fasion

2) Much of what keeps transpiring is from the space where words cannot go, so how does the unreal ego / identity self truly convey what is?  She can’t, she won’t, and yet it’s so cute how she tries.

Here I am, trying.  Playing in the illusion of the word space.  *splishy splashy*

Shpongle is playing – “Botanical Dimensions”.  Appropriate and inspirational.  Here I go.

I will soon post a full report on the latest Huachuma adventure, #7.  I cannot dishonor the massive revelations by making them footnotes.  Likewise, I recently returned from a ridiculously profound 11 day silent meditation retreat, following the Vipassana technique.  That’s gotta be at least 2 big downloads.  For now, I’ll just speak what is, in this space, in this smattering of awareness.  

First, the “apparently” tangible spaces: big changes.  Huge.  Happy, scary-in-a-good-way, heart thumping cliff dives.  I left the current day job today – a space I’ve been truly joyful in, challenged, and appreciated for well over two years.  As far as office jobs go, this has been my favorite.  I have never had an office environment that allowed me to be who I am before, in complete freedom and acceptance.  That’s been huge, as it’s provided the space for me to go deep into the enlightenment game, and not make any apologies along the way.  Sure, they’ve labeled me a bit strange in these parts, but I can’t think of a place that wouldn’t be true.  Except in Sunday Sangha, the weekly spirit-family that talks nonsense and yet understands each other.  Yum.

But something found me literally out of the blue these last few days – an opportunity that felt so all-over right, I had to jump in.  I’m now VP of Production for an online children’s content group.  I’ll be working *remotely*, from my happy little home space, on beautiful, uplifting, feel-good projects for little people.  The team I’ve connected with (only via phone thus far) are absolutely stellar beings, and I’m overjoyed at the intense challenge, and the chance to do it all from my sacred space.  This will mean more face time with Orion and Hijo, and *that* is worth it’s weight in diamond dust.  The new occupational adventure begins.

The other big news – I’m finally diving headfirst into Tantra.  This is a path that has been on my radar since teenage-dom, truly, but it’s never called loud enough for me to go full-on.  I can’t even say I understand one iota of what I’m getting into, but like the job above, it just feels right.  Pi has kindly taken on the role of teacher for those of us interested in taking on the task, and I’m melting with gratitude for what I feel this means.  Getting closer to him, to Orion, to myself, to God.  All the same, all different – all just freaking awesome.

I know that Tantra will / is shaking up my paradigm of sexuality too.  I know that I will enter into energetic spaces that are powerful and vastly unfamiliar.  This is another step in the self-transformation – dropping the identity to become divine.  I finally have a partner that makes this feel real, safe, possible – in every way.  So why not, you know?  The energies are calling.  I know this will require surrender like I have never known – just what Ayahuasca has been preparing me for.  Integrity in the truest sense.  A willingness to go deep into the emotional spaces.  So in addition to the Jnana Yoga fun I embark on every week with the spirit-family, and almost every waking moment with Orion, I’ve got a new game to play.  One that requires me to use my body to transcend.  That’s the big daunting prospect, as we have only recently become friends.  I am finally in the place of feeling mad-comfortable without clothes.   I used to refuse to look at my naked body in the mirror, and now I look to her with fondness and love.  Shower her with compliments and acceptance.  That alone is a miracle, so what does Tantra have for me next?  Woof, I can’t imagine.  But all systems go anyway.  It’s really starting to get fun in these parts.

I did my first Tantric ceremony this weekend, solo, building a mini-temple in my bedroom and practicing new meditation methods and body affirmations.  Lots of time spent naked, laying in front of a mirror, being with what is instead of what I want to be, body-wise.  And finding such a peace, such a vast amount of gratefulness, for the image that is reflected.  I saw how it wasn’t “me” that I was looking at, just this lovely house that has agreed to carry this energy for a duration.  Knowing that my body is the only thing that is mortal, I’ve suddenly felt such a softness for her, such a need to take good care and spoil her while I can.  Enough with the horrendous thoughts about her imperfections – we had over 3 decades of that.  Time to play a different game.

There’s a rightness to all these big shifts, a sense that I’m a tiny piece of popcorn about to explode to the next fluffy level.  There can’t be any knowingness of what that actually means, but all senses are buzzing with approval.  I’m right where I need to be, following the intuitive guidance system, and feeling my heart open more and more.  Knowing there is no “I”, only a We.  All of us, one masterful God, pretending to play separate games, pretending that there is anything other than divinity in our midst.  Silly humans.  We do love a good acting shenanigan.  But my favorite part – unraveling that game.  Full exposure.  All naked and shivering, starring into the light of what is – and isn’t.  

As a woman in this Tantric dance, I get to be the darkness.  The room by which the energy enters.  Woman is the environment in the sexual act, the part of the duo that holds the space and allows the light to enter.  There is no light without darkness – darkness is always there, holding court, wrapping its arms around illumination, and everything in between.  The space where everything and nothing dwells.  What an honor to hold that capacity, to get to own that knowingness as Orion and I see each other as Divine.  Not just in our minds, but with all of our beings.  I can’t think of any greater adventure – to use our bodies in order to leave our bodies.  Oooh, tingles.  

*Flittering away*. . . .

“If heaven and hell decide / that they both are satisfied

Illuminate the “no’s” on the vacancy signs,

If there’s no one beside you / when your soul embarks,

I will follow you into the dark.”

- Death Cab

It’s a phrase that has been running in my noggin incessantly these days — “Nothing is as it seems.”

But what does that mean, exactly?  What am I trying to tell myself with this bizarre little nugget of wisdom?

It came to me today.  During coffee with a new / old soul that has already transformed me.  I’ll call her Shakti.  She has been integral to my most recent unraveling, and the profundity is starting to materialized.  Lest I think that this mind I’m wrestling with isn’t a powerful beast – I had another borderline mental breakdown last week, involving perceived infidelity and a wild little spiral, of which Shakti helped to orchestrate, albeit unknowingly.

Orion is a tough one to be in love with, from an ego’s perspective.  He does not feed me “forever baby” bullshit, as we are now-focused beings that don’t dare promise anything of tomorrow.  I am also aware of his adventurous past, and he’s wonderfully honest about his desires and intrigues.  To sum it up, the boy is very sexual, very *very* charming /attractive / magnetic, and he isn’t brainwashed by the typical monogamous “supposed to do” programming.  These are all things I positively adore about him, in the highest sense, but a comfortable ego they do not make.  Also a stroke of perfection, as it allows me to be uber-honest with myself about my fears and insecurities.  If I try and project that stuff on him in a distorted fashion, he has none of it – just a neon sign that says “that shit don’t work here, yo”.  And so if I want harmony and honesty with him (which, of course, I really do), then I must only be truthful about what *I’m* experiencing, and not so quick to blame one smidgen on him.  There is no him in the grand scheme anyway, righto?

And so it goes that a week or so back, I decided to freak myself out.  I came home from work after an estranged day of communication with Orion (only my perception, mind you) to find he wasn’t home.  Unusual for that hour.  And my first instinct, clear as a church bell, was that Orion was spending time with Shakti.  I called him, he answered, and guess where he was?  Yup, at her house.  I promptly hung up and dove into my ego’s projections.  He’s cheating.  Found greener pastures.  Connecting with someone who can hand me my ass in the spiritual space.  There goes the house of cards.

I lay down in bed in a meditation pose and went deep into these stories, without resistance.  My body shook, my heart slammed away inside, and my head went on a wild ride.  I felt myself saying internally that I deserved this anyway, that this was karma.  But I allowed myself, every so briefly, to believe the story – Orion was with another woman.  I felt it with every cell.  

And then I laughed out loud.  Hysterically.  Belly shaking laughter that ripped me out of my meditation and back into the Maya, this time with a new point of view.

It took the rest of the evening to totally dismantle the false programming, and a really wonderful heart-connected talk with Orion, where I confessed the whole shebang.  But by then, I saw what was *really* happening.  My mind tried to paint me a picture of infidelity, in order to finally get me back under her spell.  Orion is often the villain during those power plays, as no one has ever supported my ascension more than him.  Once again, I came to know how nothing is what it seems – and that’s just the tip of the spirit-berg.

This all helps me recall a moment after the second Ayahuasca ceremony – my cracking open experience.  I had finally pulled myself out of the devastating funk I had fallen into that day, and fell in step beside Denise, a lovely wise woman from Colorado.  I don’t recall which one of us said it first, but we lamented on how “normal got erased last night.”  And then we laughed at the concept and the truth of it all.  We would never see things the same way again.  That has proved to be mind-shatteringly true.

Coming back to Shakti, as I sat across from her today and heard he sincerely tell me she loves me and trusts me, I could only grin and sincerely tell her the same.  This is the other piece of the puzzle, of course – ego wants me away from her as well.  She’s very, very powerful – more in the ownership of her divinity than just about any other woman I have met.  She and I are starting a very electric bond now, and the depths of where we will likely go together is not something I can begin to put my head around.  I know this, and therefore understand how it is I tried to keep her away with a wildly false made-up tale.  

Fear is a tricky one.  But I’m finding the corners where she dwells in, blasting her with the light of integrity.  I will not be tricked out of my awakening.  Writing that makes my head buzz, my eyesight brighten, my skin spring up in awareness.  I will not hold myself back from my divinity.

Getting in the car after the coffee time with Shakti, I couldn’t stop chuckling to myself.  At the synchronicities, the perfect unfolding, and the thought that maybe, just maybe I’ll start catching these little tricks a little earlier.  That maybe I’ll own the knowledge that “nothing is as it seems” so much, I start seeing what really is.  Yeah, strike the “maybe” business.  I’m on my way.  And I know just the people who can keep reminding me of the Truth.

Intellectually, I know what’s transpiring.  I have poured myself into integrity, into finding out my true self, and relinquishing the ego’s stronghold.  I have declared truth at all costs, willing to feel whatever I must to liberate.  But oh my fucking god, sometimes I feel like it’s killing me.  (That’s that small me talking, and I suppose she feels that way because. . .it’s true.)

This last month has been like the opening line of A Tale of Two Cities – the best and worst of times.  And everything in between.  I have had authentic, heart-stopping moments of complete surrender, complete knowingness of my divinity, and complete ownership of what this world really is and isn’t.  Coupled by breakdowns so painful, I literally feel like I’m being split in two.

I’m in the space of the latter right now, although it’s a crowded space.  There are two very real points of view – sometimes many more.  The disappointing thing is that the small side keeps getting the upper hand.  I have wailed with sadness and pain today.  And then hopped RIGHT back to the kind of surrender that would make a Taoist ogle and ahhh.  I’m dizzy and tired and I want to scream, cry, and laugh hysterically.  All at once.  Which, if I’m counting correctly, has already transpired four times.

Why the insanity?  It’s all a matter of contrast.  I have wisely chosen a partner that is immensely powerful, and equally dedicated to this path.  Maybe even more so – another petty fear.  And while my process is ripe with emotional outbursts, head-splitting terror, and ridiculous little sob stories, his is as graceful and joyful as any I’ve seen.  He just had another incredible, indescribable experience – so close to knowing the All it feels completely inevitable.  And nobody – nobody – deserves it more.  He is transforming so much and so fast, sometimes I feel like I don’t know him.  But then I see his eyes shining at me, and realize it’s the *real* him.  He is so, so beautiful.

But I am torn to absolute pieces over the stark, embarrassing, and devastating contrast between us.  The more he shines, the more my insecurities and fear rise up and threaten to strangle me.  I am so damn beaten down and so ready to take on all the more – both at the same time.  It’s (sometimes) overwhelming.  I’m a walking contradiction, a non-stop paradox.  And I wonder why I am so afraid of losing my sanity.

Pi, your words of wisdom are my anchor right now.  I know I’m in a state of resisting this painful process, which is really where the rub is.  As you always say, “whatever state you’re in is perfect”.  Adya has the perfect words for this too – “when the resistance comes up – gently ask yourself: Is there a reason I need to resist this?”  When I do so in my quiet voice, all of me breathes a sigh and answers – No, I guess not.

As much as I don’t know any other game to play other than this big cosmic whirlwind, for now, I don’t know any other way to play it.  I ache for the ease / grace / flow I see reflected back to me by Orion.  But apparently I don’t want it badly enough, because I keep feasting on the darkness.  I know why.  It’s where my power is.  But in this small space in which I currently dwell, I resent that.  Because I’m really, really afraid I won’t always be able to fight back.  Not that it matters in the grand scheme, but I’m well aware this game is anything but small.  The stakes get higher as my ego’s resistance intensifies.  It’s only a matter of time before one of us wins.

Drop the Masks Already

I’m ready to admit that I am light years away from outsmarting my ego. I am also realizing, more and more, that this quest for authenticity is a bigger game than I could have ever realized. I know the lines I write in this public space aren’t always the absolute truth. Whatever that is. I try so hard to channel the real higher-self as I dive into these outpourings, to honor the process, the audience, the involved parties, and myself – and I fail. A lot.

Failure is a bit harsh. I don’t always strike the truest-of-true chords. What that means is a tad bit veiled, something I’m sorting out as I try and understand my motivations.

In less abstract terms, I’m struggling with blogging in general. There was even the possibility that this would cease for a spell – but I couldn’t bring myself to turn my back on years of process, layer-peeling, and connections with the eyeballs that grace me with an audience.

This is dangerous, I know, because there’s clearly a part of me that oh-so-strongly identifies with blogging. Any hardcore identity marker like that raises up a red flag. I wonder – what part of me needs / wants this so badly? Is it the higher self, sincerely seeking a positive outlet to find more of herself? Or is it the ego, seeking attention and validation so she can continue the mad little tango? I think the answer is – Yes.

All I know is, I’m being unraveled. Dismantled, piece by piece, so I can be divinely thrown together again without all this distortion. Healer asked me the other day – what is it that you want? And I just said – to be authentic. To know all of myself. To stop playing these wretched games, hiding from my emotional core, putting on a dog and pony show for the whole wide world while the real tasks at hand get painfully ignored. There is a little terror in there about how and what this will look like, but it’s a small dose. Mostly, I’m all tingly and excited for this process. I have been loving it to pieces thus far. Even in the drama I relay – the parts I guess I like best because they make for better stories. That’s an ego-based desire, so I’m making a commitment to not dwell on all the hooplah around the transformations that I’m feeling, and instead honor the results a lot more.

My results today are beautiful. I look around at the relationships I have, and I know that in part, I’m getting it. I can love others in a fashion so much deeper than before. I am more and more comfortable placing all parts of me together in an integrated whole – the ashram dweller, the intellectual, the playful kitten, the heart-spaced Friend. Not reserving one piece for each person I encounter, but giving them the whole enchilada, without fear or expectations. Ok, so it’s not that smooth and flow-y yet, but I’m definitely, definitely getting there. I know more love in my life now than I ever have before. And that is the path I am on, plain and simple. To be more love, in every moment. And to speak the truth, and nothing but.