Healer and I enjoyed day 2 of the cosmic sessions on Sunday, welcoming several more people into the sacred space we created. The magic continued – all who passed through my doors experienced an energetic shift, and received a whole lotta positive energies. Purgings galore, emotional releases, and an overall sense of the miraculous Divine.

When the sessions ceased, Sage, Healer and myself continued the magic by engaging in a profound discussion about ego, detachment, and personal conflicts. As the night wore on, however, I felt the negativities brewing in me. I felt all kinds of pain continue to surface and swirl inside, despite all these incredible unfoldings. I knew I needed another session, and Healer felt it too. I even broke down in tears over a conflict in Sage’s life – one between him and another angel-friend I love more than words here. I finally told him how much it hurt to be in the middle, to love them both so deeply and yet have to bask in the waters of their animosity. He shifted. He heard me, and Healer. He promised to let go of the anger and reconnect. That uplifted me, and his strength ignited mine. I knew I was ready to go deep and really heal.

The session started normally – I clamored up onto the table and hunkered down for whatever would come. Healer seemed to feel it would be a gentle eve, but I expressed how cold I was, how I couldn’t stop shaking, and we felt the mood shift into a serious tone. Candles lit, lights dimmed, and he started feeling my energies. We talked a little bit about what might be up with me, what was at the heart of this unsettling. I didn’t have access to the answers. I couldn’t really tell him why I was so upset. He even told me I wasn’t making any sense, and I couldn’t argue – we just weren’t getting to the heart of the matter.

So he put his hands around my heart and started moving my body, freeing up the blockages. Emotions began to flood up. We talked about my novel – the finished one that lost it’s publishing deal because the company folded – and I tried to pretend it didn’t matter. That this chapter was closed. Then we talked about my writer’s block. I even had a block in discussing why this was happening to me. But as he moved my body and zeroed in on some key pressure points, shit started surfacing in a mad rush.

He hit some excruciatingly painful spots in my arms, and I started screaming. Then came more pain, and I fought and flailed. Tears erupted, and my head flooded with various images, but I still didn’t know what it was. I let go of the story though, and willed myself to just let it out. Healer demanded the same, telling me repeatedly to let it go. I wanted so badly to know what IT was, but as soon as I detached from the knowing, things started jumping out of my body. I felt lighter, I felt myself sucked into a light-filled vortex, and I knew we were on to something. Not there yet, but traveling at light speed, and about to hit the destination.

Healer moved up beyond my head and mumbled “It’s in your jaw.” I tensed up and felt my resistance. I loathe the jaw work – just one tiny push in that area sends incredible jolts of pain and horrendous emotional memory down my body. But he went in hard and fast and didn’t give me any time to prepare. I screamed some more. I fought like a caged panther. But it felt so good to finally have that deep cry, the multi-layered explosion. Suddenly, I saw beings all around me – all light-filled and lovely. Beings I have seen and felt in Shamanic ceremonies and during my most trying times. I heard my Guru telling me what a gift it will be to finally be honest. Honest about what? What was I hiding from?

The truth. The bloody terrifying truth. And then, I knew. I absolutely, unequivocally knew. I knew how to liberate myself. And it was the one thing I had been resisting more than any other.

This is my confession.

Most of my life, I’ve felt like sexual victim. I’ve felt so shutdown and abused and completely in the dark about my sexuality, I’ve forever been pegged as an abused being, and suspected something had transpired in my youth. And I have so much emotion around it, that as a young teenager, I found myself making up stories in order to justify the mess of feelings I could never shake. The stories got me love and support and sympathy. Things I craved so badly I would skirt to the edge of suicide without – then share a story, feel love, and survive just that much longer.

But the burden of these lies became far worse than the emotions that spawned them. Twice in my life, I came clean with the people I loved. And for the most part, it turned out well – I showed them my heart and they showed me forgiveness. Then came an acid tab at age 21, and snapshots of what I thought might be actual memories. Memories of sexual abuse as a child. The story that I always wanted to find.

I pounced on these images with intense veracity, and shared selectively with those I needed to feel love from. I needed this experience so badly, that I, at times, fell into a state of complete belief that these things really happened. Really atrocious things. I felt them, damn it – I knew it had to be real. And my first novel – it is entirely about this experience. A woman’s quest to validate her memories, hinging life and death on the result. They HAD to be real. Because if they weren’t, I not only could never explain my perceived brokenness, but I was also guilty of the most heinous of crimes – lying and manipulating the people I loved most.

In the meantime, I created many of the scenarios I feared the most. I brought men into my bed that did many of the things I thought transpired in my memories. Nightmarish acts of abuse. But rather than tell those truths and heal what had truly transpired, I held tight to the stories and made them my cross to bear. Thus avoiding the heart of the matter, and placing myself in a vicious, damning spiral.

This was life or death. If it turned out I was a big fraud, I could never face the music. I believed I would lose everything. So I kept myself in this ultimate darkness, this profound illusion, in order to stay safe. In order for my ego to keep her image up. That precious, ridiculous need to be right.

As Healer dug into my jaw, he ignited my truth. He pushed out the resistance to say what I know in the deepest parts of my soul to be real. And as it turns out, my stories were total falsities. The emotions, they were / are real. My angels, my Guru, and various people that love me unconditionally – all their souls jumped in to my sphere of consciousness and started to urge me on. To let go of this – my biggest self-inflicted demon – and have the bravery to be honest. And so after a long, long bout of tears, feet pounding on the table, writhing in pain and resistance – I let my body fall into a rag doll pose and I finally spoke the truth.

I told Healer that I had lied. That I had created these stories in order to help myself justify what I felt. That all I wanted to do was be honest and forgive myself – my ultimate dream and biggest fear. And he responded with something miraculous. He said there was nothing to forgive, and he held me and kissed my forehead.

We weren’t done with the session. He worked a bit more near my head chakra, then informed me that a rush of light / energy was about to enter my body, and that all I needed to do was receive. I lay limp and eager, feeling unbelievable relief and support from my band of celestial beings and earth-bound angels. Just as Healer told me, at exactly the moment he said “Here it comes”, I went from feeling frightened and freezing to an indescribable state of unconditional love. My body tingled through every pore, and this flood of warmth washed over me repeatedly. I was being absolved of the biggest burden I had ever known, and as I let go of the stories and the self-hatred and the shame, in came a million points of light to fill in the empty spaces. This was the greatest gift I could ever receive – the most profound healing of my life.

After the session, Healer and I stayed up to discuss the revelations. He shared his heart, I more of my truths, and I realized the session was anything but over. Since I had just cleared out the strongest blockage I had ever carried, the Divine was having no problem speaking through me. I found myself digging into Healer’s soul, asking him to show his heart to me, and to my humble realization, he responded in kind. We talked all night. Supporting each other, accepting every last nuance and deed, sharing love and support and not a single drop of judgment.

There’s another piece to this night, another huge unraveling, but it’s so profound and so huge and so much a part of me that it deserves it’s own spotlight. So for now, the confession ends. I’ll be back soon with more of the truth, and nothing but.

To Healer, Z, RyRy, Best Friend, Sage, Promises Partner, Pisces Prince, Miss L, all those who joined me this weekend, and everyone who loved me enough to give me this ultimate gift of love and growth and who care enough to forgive my gravest mistakes – thank you. There will never be enough words.