Clean Is Good

Things are getting interesting. Two days into the cleanse, and I’m really starting to feel the detoxification. I’ve hit several irritation walls today – these dense, anger-laden waves that tempt me to fall deep and reach for the Doritos. I love them. The walls, and the Doritos. But mostly the walls. Unless it’s nacho-flavored. Then, mostly the Doritos.
Pushing through creates the greatest of gifts. Twice today, I’ve connected with the very moment the shift occurs. That split second when my will brings me out of the dark spaces, and into the realm of gratitude. I know what this is – this dance I’m swirling around in. It’s a big, huge, beautiful release. I clearly have so much to feel, so much to let go of. . .and when I ask myself today – “Are you willing to allow the surrender?” I can honestly say – “Yes. I’m willing.” Which means tonight will be interesting.

First, I must go meet someone I’m not in the least bit keen on connecting with. A friend’s business partner, someone I’ve briefly corresponded with – enough so that I have a sour taste. I’m resisting this. Yet another wall I will gleefully barrel on through.
Then, it’s off to buy epson salts, grapefruit, and olive oil – the trio of ingredients needed for the liver cleanse I’m taking on tonight. I’ll have lots of alone time, and will be bonded to my bathroom in the AM. Following the painful yet cathartic release, I’ll dive into a super hot and sudsy bubble bath, then jet off to get my fingernails and feetsies pampered. Yes, just another glamorous night / morn in Las Vegas.

Man, my head is a woozy mess of toxins and dizzy spells. I need a cry, I need to scream into a pillow, and I need to keep drinkin’ this spicy magic brew. All the stuff I no longer wish to harbor is asking to be released. All I have to do is open the door.

One of the littler spidey jungle friends

Today marks day 1 of a master cleanse. I’m sipping the very first glass. The MC is a fast that involves grade B maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water. One drinks this little spicy lemonade concoction – and nothing but – for 10 days. Solid food will be a distant memory in no time, but my body is already cheering. I’ve done this before. The results are mind-blowing. Clarity of thought. Soft, silky skin and hair. Organs that feel like their zipping on overdrive. A present, smooth, ticktocky body. All the toxins inside escape during the process, and it feels *amazing*. Food tastes vibrant and complex at the end. Even my sight seems brighter and more defined.

But damn, it’s a long road to get such bliss. I normally have manic moments and incredible lows. I spend time standing in the center of the kitchen, staring down the pantry, imagining what it feels like to chew and eat again.

I’ll get there.

I’ve calmed down from yesterday’s revelations, too. Not that I was ever riled up, really, but I had this magnificent talk with Z about what ails, and he showed me the proper path. Seeker, I know, cheated on me at least twice during our “bond”. And, in classic fashion, he blamed me. I wasn’t there when he needed me. I did too many drugs and it hurt him (which, of course, is just the opposite – projecting is what we’re good at.) Finding out more about this yesterday has been cathartic. Z pointed out that when I left Seeker, I did so on instinct. I didn’t yet have the stories – concrete reasons – to back up my painful exit. It’s powerful to know how accurate our intuitions are. I’m really proud of that.

And as such, I’m no longer attached to the idea of never seeing him again. The power he once had has been reduced to a dull tap. I have compassion for him, and his self-destructive path. He’s lost me, for good. A woman who at one time would have stepped in front of a train to protect him. I no longer wish to push him in front of that train *soft smile*, but I’ve detached from the notion that I have to do anything at all.

I’m going back to Peru in April, for an Amazon and Andes excursion. More Ayahuasca, more Huachuma. More enlightenment, power, peace, and of course, love. If Seeker is there, which he has communicated he might be, I will be joyful. It will be my chance to show my strength. I’ve asked the Universe that he not be there, of course – no matter how wise I am about this, I still have a preference – but I’m happy to accept whatever scenario that’s best.

I never thought I’d be so open and – dare I say it – rational. I find it all annoying sometimes, this process of not just feeling love, but living it. But that’s just the ego talking. She likes to be a tough girl. It turns out my heart is the one with all the gusto – she just has a different manner of expression.