I’ll just come out and say it – I’m a very, very frightened girl.

That is, my egoic programming once led me to believe as much.  Fears so bloody deep it took me decades to acknowledge them.  And make no mistake, there are more hidden in deep layered coffins inside my twisted little psyche.  Truth be told, I can’t wait to find them.

Three weeks ago, I gifted myself a mystifying experience of self-realization.  In the days since, I have maintained a pretty solid awareness of the veil of separation.  External events will transpire, and my consciousness stays in the space of “everything is perfect.”  An attempted carjacking.  Needles full of numbing goodness jabbed into my forehead by an amateur medical student.  Judgmental siblings that wish me to be anyone but who I really am.

These are the ones I have handled with grace and gratefulness.  I have found, for example, that the disgust of my family is no longer a sore point – at least in this present experience.  I can finally let them be the beautiful people that they are, fully recognize that they’re just extensions of my own awareness anyway, and let there be peace in the discord.  Oh, happy day indeed.

But as Orion and I say thank you to the cosmos for the massive openings we’ve been gifted, we’ve also done anything but slow the pace.  I am owning now that Waking Up is more than an instant.  It’s the everythingness from which I never have to return from, and I still have work to do.  I don’t sense that Enlightenment is a simple destination, but I don’t know that unequivocally yet.  I only know that since there is something in me still seeking, there is still an imbalance.  More to Know.  

That’s exciting, yes, but it makes me insane with fear sometimes.  I should qualify that – it makes my ego freaky-scared.  Her power has not only been grossly diminished, it would seem that her days are numbered.  I own that now.  I own that I am already an Enlightened being, I need only to remember exactly what that state is all about.

And to do that, I need these delicious fears that keep tossing me big old emotional curve balls.  Since Orion and I have both literally thrown ourselves in the galactic pressure cooker, shit’s been surfacing as of late.  Different shit for each of us, but equally head-spinning and really quite fun (at least the masochist in me agrees with that one.)

My fear-based confessions, as they stand now, are as follows – please accept the global caveat that these are not really *my* fears, but my programming + stories.  The more I expose and allow them to be, the more I know they will diminish and cease to be.

* I am afraid that I will soon lose my job and have to move someplace on the other side of the planet to maintain a financial stability high enough that I may continue to pay off my massive debts 

* I am afraid that I am no longer beautiful, and my self worth will crumble once this becomes a reality

* I am afraid that I am all talk with this Enlightenment chatter, and that I am tricking myself into falling for the lie of possibility

* I am afraid that nothing is real, including God 

* I am afraid that I’ve made all the wrong choices in my life, and that shit is going to blow up in my face any time now

* I am REALLY afraid that I will one day go insane

* I am afraid there’s something seriously wrong with my body (health-wise – I’m bleeding a lot)

* I am also afraid that Orion will achieve full-scale Enlightenment before I do, and this will be completely unbearable for my ego, and it will destroy our bond and my sanity (back to that REALLY big fear)

There now.  I feel better

It’s magical what these confessions do for me – I feel like outright laughing at every line I wrote up there.  That’s not to say that these aren’t completely real feelings, it’s just that when I see them in black and white, I can fully acknowledge what meaningless little stories they are.   They are all manifested by the part of me that is quite literally *dying*.  She doesn’t get her way with selfish conflicts anymore.  She doesn’t get to externalize anything that happens – she only has to own that it is ALL coming from her /me.  She doesn’t get to be a victim, even for a New York minute.  She doesn’t get to hide.  And she’s getting more and more discipline, more and more aware of the power of the Oneness.  That gorgeous void from which it all springs from.

You know that feeling you have when EVERYONE is in on some joke, and you just have no clue what it’s really about?  That’s how my ego feels.  Because the higher me, the non-egioc me – she’s getting closer and closer to being the All.  To dropping the notion of separatism, and connecting with the Oneness for all eternity.  Strike that, I am ALREADY doing all of this, I’m just working on bringing this into my permanent consciousness. Like flipping a light switch.  But the thing is, my ego can’t come with me.  I can’t hold on to my identity AND be god at the same time.  She knows this, I know this.  As such, we have what you would call a Big Fucking Conflict.

I will admit I am often awed by her tenacity and craftiness.  But ultimately, I Am Not Afraid.  I know who I am.  I know I’m playing the mother of all games – unraveling a lie so (un)believable that it could only come from God.  It’s our lie, and it’s up to us to come clean.  That is my current reality.  Integrity like I have never known.  

And so for now, I will keep on letting the frightful little tears flow, all the while acting as the observer.  But letting my ego act out her passion play, without giving her the wheel.  It’s a damn fun game.  As Ami would say, it’s the only game in town.  I will do my best to be in this space as both the feeler and the observer, the creator and the created.  To see it all as a gorgeous illusion – there to help me die before I die.  That is to say, there to help me see and be the Ultimate Truth – that flash we are gifted with the moment we leave this body – before I actually have to exit stage left.  

If I never have this Knowing, dear self / God – then at least grant me the grace to be joyful and humbled with all I have already come to Know.  Yes, there is still more for me, but let me take a moment and just say -

Wow.  This – this current little projection of time and space – this is glorious too.  In these moments where I can wear the Truth, there is nothing that could ever be anything but.

The shaman blessing us at the beginning of the ceremony

I know what all of this is. I know, and yet I still have those racey, pulse-intesifying fearful jabs that paralyze and taunt me.
Ayahuasca led me to end the office madness, and she needs me to trust the process. And myself. Most days, most moments – I do. Debt is temporary, just like this stage I’m in, and I know I can make this new life work beyond my wildest dreams.

Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. Success is far more frightening than failure, because it’s uncharted, it’s the unknown. It’s the answer to dreams which must counter with more dreams, and for some, that’s enough to stay in the trenches, away from the limelight. Away from the treasures they deserve.

I just want to make this work. I just want to score a life of abundance by never having to sell my soul again. Days like today when I couldn’t hold my head up at noon, and instead I had a nap and a little down time in lieu of answering to bosses and screaming phone calls and pointless meetings – these are priceless. I get the work done, on my time. On my terms. There’s nothing more sacred.

I just have to keep trying. Fuck fear. I’m more afraid of a bloody day job anyway. And besides that, I have my spirit mother. Yeah, I can do this.

Lounging in the hammocks with the greatest view in the world

My intentions this time are lofty, reachable, real, and freaking necessary. I need to break free of my ego, my vanity issues, and my past abuses — all those question marks that keep me standing still – and start really, really living. I fall into the lazy, easy way out, and the Amazon is my ticket to honest transformation. Like everyone else, I have a world-changer inside, and she gets too bloody complacent. Not. Any. More.

Z is coming with me. We have been so synced and connected this last week, more than ever, and I know it’s just a tease of what’s to come. How can I be so lucky? I know I’m worthy, but I have such guilt about not giving enough back to the world. I can be so fucking selfish. That, too, will be an intended barrier bashing. No more fearful hording.

I have so, so many fears right now, but they’re all sourced from my control-hungry ego. She’s lost her grip on me, and that’s triggering a mess of chaos and shivering. Let her rumble. The jungle awaits.

A Peruvian Amazon mansion.

This is a build up for the great jungle reveal. Everything’s been on hold, brewing and stewing and waiting for me to tackle. Confront. Purge. Repeat.

I have an inkling that it’s time to move. I have an inkling that I don’t have an inkling about what’s really going to go down. See why I’m scared? Of course you do.

The dock, surreal-style, at the lodge in the Amazon. Photo by Steve Johnson.

So much of what I/we do – borderline everything – equates to an escape. Television and movies, books and magazines, even conversations. Alcohol, drugs, food – consumption baby; non-stop some days. I used to call my suicidal ideation Consumption, because she sucked up so much of my obsessive thoughts. But that is the ultimate escape, figuratively and literally – allowing myself, during those pitch-black days, to imagine a permanent way out. It never served to provide any answers, but it did serve me. And I’m still here. At least there’s that.

All of these things make us less of ourselves. Some of us are in constant hiding. I find meditation excrutiatingly difficult, because it requires a bona fide deep dive. My brain doesn’t shut the fuck up, and she’s not me; just the ego. The hidden veil. She’s fun to hit the town with, that outside mask, and she’s a great conversationalist, but she’s a constant distraction. Chatter chatter chatter.

Ayahuasca, in about 30 minutes flat, shoves you deep into the recesses of your being, back to the cosmic memory. She didn’t shutdown my brain noise by any means – those voices still had a hey day. They tried to control the experience, to talk me through it, but the ego lost her power in an instant. By the third ceremony, I made my way to the Authentic Voice in an instant, and I don’t even remember listening to anything else. See, there’s no hiding, regardless of how many voices are part of the symphony. There was one woman I remember, she managed to control all 3 experiences, and told us all she didn’t get much out of it. About 4 months later, she wrote me to say she woke up in a cold sweat one night, all these voices coming through her ears, and she realized how much she needed to change. Ayahuasca is far more patient than we are, but make no mistake – she’ll get through.

This is why the sacred vine is anything but a drug. The Shaman calls the brew medicina – and it is the ultimate medicine. It tastes like ass, it cleans you from the inside out, and it heals whatever you brought to the surface with your intentions. And then some. But not without a balance, and it’s the other side – that incredible unknown vortex of visions, past lives, and hardcore lessons – that keeps me quaking.

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to escape. A little food, a little film-watching. Definite Boo time. And all kinds of delicious fear.

That’s what a Peruvian goat looks like. Baaaaah.

There are so many decisions to make. Everything’s resting just within reach; I just have to chase it. Something stops me from the effort at times; perhaps it’s fear of success? I know it’s a common disorder, but I’m not sure why it would inflict me. I do know that when I was successful in my weight efforts – super skinny and feeling the best that I could be – I felt hated and vulnerable. Not at all what I expected. So I gained weight to hide again.

Maybe I do that with everything.

I didn’t sleep a wink the night before I came to Philly. I felt so anxious, my stomach imploded and so I paced around, talking to Boo and trying to understand. So I grabbed my Tarot deck for insights. I asked a couple of questions; the first was about someone in my life. The Defeat card came up, and I can accept that. Win some, lose some. Yes, well, then came the big guns; career. Writing. What on earth will become of me?

I narrowed the focus to the next few months. Tarot made no bullshit about my current state. Cruelty was the center card, couched by Failure. My fears. My absolute nightmare right now. Thankfully – oh bloody hell, way more than that, but I don’t have the words – I shall overcome. The Ace of Discs (a self-imposed power) gave way to the Ace of Wands (power from the supernatural) – two of the most transforming cards in the deck. I’m there, you know? Right on the cusp. The high-diver inching my way to the ledge, ready to win my gold. I’m there, I just don’t whether to do a backflip or a nose dive or to maybe even fly. I’m just so afraid of so much – most of which I can’t even name. My Ace of Wands; she’s the Amazon. My life-changer.

I’m in Philly. It’s lovely. I met a gaggle of new friends last night who showed me the city. I ate at Morimoto’s. I drank local beers and listened to live jazz. I saw all kinds of historical treasures, and have been warmed by the niceness of the people here. So open and real. It’s bringing out the parts of me I like best, too. Such a worthy getaway.

Tonight I’m tucked into my hotel room. I have a view of Philly’s City Hall from my window, and it’s magical. The largest City Hall in the nation. William Penn is waving hello. I’m at the laptop to pound out some novel genius. It hurts to revisit the history, but it’s still so cathartic and wonderful. Helps me remember who I am. You’d be surprised how often I forget.