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I was recently featured on a local radio show, yapping away about shamanism, ayahuasca, huachuma / san pedro, and  liberation. Take a listen at MetaMysticRadio.com – choose the December 16th interview with Kitty.  I actually think it went super well – CJ is a great informal interviewer and we had a ball.

In other news. . .

Yay for holidaze – especially since Orion will likely actually be here, a rarity for an on-call pilot.  Sounds like I get serious family time, which makes me all a-flutter.  I still have such easy access to the childish bliss associated with presents and cookies and seeing other lovees glow.  I can’t wait to see Hijo open the presents I corralled for him – my first year to spoil a child, and I took full advantage.  

I can’t help but be nostalgic.  Not for what’s been lost in the last year, but what’s been found.  Love like no other, a gaggle of incredibly bonded and spiritually connected Vegas friends, and a *stepson* for crying out loud.  Who would have guessed?  Certainly not me.  But the treasures of the last year have taught me to let go of any “me” notions, and let the universe have her way.  My way would have meant a lack of vulnerability and certainly no mommy roles.  My way was clearly far too limited.

If I had to give the year a word, I’d call it Paradoxical.  I systematically dropped just about every known belief structure, chucking out the validity of everything from aliens to egos.  And then picked them all up again in all their glorious unreal-realism.  I’ve come to know the world as a dream, but one I have full manifested control over, yet can’t control at all.  How come both be true?  Because they are.  It just is, and I love it.  Welcome to duality.  But try on non-dualism while you’re at it.

I’m going to embark on a huachuma ceremony later today, with the intention to drop all notions of myself completely.  Huachuma is the ultimate illuminator – capable of lifting the veil of illusion and showing those who walk through his portal what really is.  ”I” will choke down a few mugs of this not-so-condensed putrid plant and welcome his wisdom so deep within, I become nothing.  And in that space, “I” will find . . .whatever is waiting.  The I within wants to know the highest way to work with him as well – how to best integrate his dream-like lessons in this dream-filled world.  And I think I’ll visit Jesus too, maybe bring him in a birthday card.  We can celebrate the un-ness of everything.  Oh, irony.

And that’s about the extent of my current profundity – not much more relevatory than a James Cameron film, I know.  This is stage one of today’s big clearing-out process.

“Love / Is watching / someone die”  - Death Cab

Kim from trip 1, with that trademark meditative cloud-gaze, in one of those bilssful hammocks

Secondly, I have a life to realize. I have known since the diagnosis days that I am here to write. Yet I get in my way at almost every turn. I don’t dream big enough in that arena because I’m too bloody scared. I am dying to break free of that barrier; to realize my destiny. It’s huge and I want it and I just have to let go. Same with my body. I vacillate on weight and love/hate emotions regarding this house I live in, and I am ready to release all of that too and just be. However it looks like. Of course, by shedding the obsessiveness, I know I’ll be healthy and will likely look volumes better than I do now. Not that any of that matters, in the scheme of things. I just fall prey to the urge to give the outside all my power.

It’s time to be done with this. Seven shamanistic ceremonies should send me on my way.

I’ve spent the morning reading about the plants I’m about to welcome into my entity. I’ve had Ayahuasca before, yes, but there’s always so much to learn. Huachuma – he is new to me. The most revered and ancient psychoactive plant in existence. I discovered that my journey leader’s new retreat is open for business, which means we’ll be staying at a new location in the jungle. I had attached myself somewhat to the memories of the first lodge, and one specific hammock, but I trust there’s new amazing accomodations to enjoy, and new hammocks to stake claims to. This newness is exciting. I also read that we’ll be exploring the ever-amazing town of Iquitos during our Huachuma ceremony. This plant is an external force, unlike the introspective Ayahuasca. I’m daunted and shaky and so freaking ready. I can’t believe how lucky I am. A book deal, the love of my life, the best friends in the world, and journeys to the Amazon and into my very core.

I just wish you were coming with me.

Hangin’ out in a jungle hut

By the way, I can’t count. Or read, apparently. I was eyeballing the Amazon site today, and it seems as though I’m in for FIVE Ayahuasca ceremonies this time around, plus the two Huachuma doses. I did three last time and I distinctly remember thinking there’s no way in hell I could ever do more. Ever. Hah. As the subject says, why the hell not?

The hardest part in my heart right now is the way in which I’ll be cut off from the outside world. The first time around, that didn’t matter so much. I had Seeker, the boyfriend-of-the-moment, at my side, and I thought that would be my sanctuary. He proved to be the opposite, but that’s completely OK. This time, my *real* other half is hanging in Australia, toiling through those difficult family epiphanies, and wrapping his wings around me as I venture to far away locales. Not having his heavily accented voice to soothe me when I hit Breakdown is already triggering a bit of panic. I know it’s perfect. I know it will empower us all the more. But the little girl in me just wants to get her way.

That little girl is about to be purged and torn to pieces. Seven total shamanistic ceremonies should tear me a new identity, closer to the core than I ever thought possible. Right now, wow, I’m *really* excited. I am so privileged to have such experiences. To get to know myself in unimaginable ways, and to come back and find unity with the people I love. Z, Judy pie, RyRy, Pisces – and so many more. I’m doing this for them as much as for myself. It’s about time I learn to give back.