Ayahuasaca ceremonies #19 and #20 are just 2 weeks away.
Just 2 weeks, that’s all I have to prepare, to get centered, to declare my intentions, to face my demons, and to do my best to fully surrender to the process. I wasn’t pious enough during my last journey with her, and I’m immensely humbled this time – gratefully so. I think a part of me (read: the controlling little ego) figured that since I’m such a veteran, being lax on the diet and what not wouldn’t do much harm. And while I don’t actually blame some dismissal of such things for my deep dive into the darkness, I know it didn’t help.

Now – today – I am not a shaman. I am not in any way an expert on Ayahuasca or shamanism. I am just a girl with a calling to know more of myself, and blessed enough to know the path and the people who can help take me there. That feels like such a stronger place to be than the borderline know-it-all who jumped in the last go-round. I am very confident this will help yield even more profound results. In any event, man am I glad I got knocked off that pedestal. The view is much better down here.

The maya-world has been extraordinary as of late. Orion won a court case that’s granted him 50% custody of Hijo, his magnificent, truly Indigo 10 year old son. Every other week, we’ll be a family – fully focused on the well being of a luminous young life. Every other week, Orion and I will refocus fully on ourselves, our healing, our growth. And in every moment, the bond between the two of us just keeps getting deeper. Even still, I feel myself detaching more and more too, which feels so *right*. I don’t live in fear of this vulnerability I have with him. I’m really only aware of how much I love him, and how grateful I am to have every minute we share. Man, this is so magical. I can’t wait to share more of this with Hijo, and to see the ways in which he will continue to be my teacher as well.

The week has not been without its losses – I walked away from a 1.5 year bond with two souls that have a gorgeous vision for a new business venture, but one I found did not serve me, despite my love for them and the incredible humanity the project encapsulates. Those are the hardest ones to turn away from – scenarios that seem so page-perfect, so aligned with the universal greatness, but they just aren’t right for *you*. Or in this case, me. I was not fond of the ways in which it hurt the men I adore, but the decision was clearly heart-sourced, as once I made it, I felt the yes-ness of it flowing through me.

Last night, Orion and I went out to dinner, toasting the incredible success of the day, and the joy we have in every aspect of our Now. At the end of dinner, when just a few sips of champagne remained, he scampered over to sit next to me (our favorite way to dine) – and as our foreheads pressed together and he dug into me with his radiant blue sparklers, I felt within the greatest surge of love I have ever known. Truly. And it wasn’t just an “I love this man,” although make no mistake, that was a huge piece of the smitten pie. I also felt intense love for myself, for Hijo, for all the many, many incredible beings in my life, and of course, God / the Universe as well. The oneness shined back as I gazed at Orion’s reflection. And I was reminded of something my Guru said to me just a handful of months ago -
Kitty, what do you know about love? You don’t even know how to love yourself.

How thrilling to see / feel / know that this is changing.
My next dance with Ayahuasca – that’s what we’ll be going for. A complete shift into self-love. Which I know will just spread me through the cosmos.

Now excuse me while I scoot off to SoCal, visit the Guru, Z, Sister-Friend, Best Friend, Gay Husband, Wonder Twin, and the Healer. Adventure awaits.

“So if i die today
i’ll be the happy phantom
and i’ll go wearin’
my naughties like a jewel
they’ll be my ticket
to the universal opera
there’s judy garland
taking buddha by the hand
and then these seven little men
get up to dance
they say confucius
does his crossword with a pen
i’m still the angel
to a girl who hates to sin”
- Tori, of course