It’s hard to believe a year has almost passed since Orion and I officially merged.  We went to dinner last night with some dear friends of his – friends we hadn’t seen for almost the same amount of time.  A full year.  With that acknowledgment, Orion looked at me and commented “Wow, we were barely just dating when last we saw them.”  There was a sense of relief in his voice, a humorous “look how far we’ve come” tone, and I felt much of the same.  For me, it’s in many ways a gigantic relief that a year has passed.  Our early days were incredibly intense and jarring, as a lot of endings had to transpire for our beginning to merge.  We had / have a lot on the line, having sacrificed a great deal.  Likewise, we’ve both submerged ourselves in the world of vulnerability – these are dynamic, promise-less spaces where anything can and does transpire.  So to have lasted a year – to have emerged from those wildly erratic and beautiful beginnings to land within the realms of a bona fide, rock-solid bond – yeah, that’s good stuff.  I’m wiping sweat from my brow now.  I remember that-me in those early days; I had such a bright-eyed wonder about what the hell we were doing.  If we’d make it a month, let alone a year.  If things were really what they seemed with us – so connected, so madly-in-love, so willing to play this game with integrity and depth.  And, of course, our verbalized handshake agreement that our spiritual paths were always, always first.  We didn’t know what that would mean for the relationship itself.  We still don’t, entirely.  It means we don’t know, in a nutshell.  And that’s been a difficult, fulfilling, frightening, insanely rewarding path thus far.

It’s not just relief I feel in marking our first official year.  In this current ego-driven yet observer-fueled space I’m in, there’s a definite dose of trepidation.  Passing the year mark is a magnificent hurdle, but it also can signify a whole lot of changes and challenges.  I know, of course, that those are all Big Fat Stories, that nothing is true unless I make it so in these relative spaces, so I suspect that’s what lured me here – to write this out and find the chosen path.  To let the heart speak louder than the fret-frantic head.

It’s been a bit of a wild week for Orion and myself.  Monday marked a day of serious ego-outbursts — something that is not our norm.  Sure, we were able to laugh (with gritted teeth) through the majority of the drama we sourced, but it left me, anyway, feeling rattled and exhausted.  I had had a great run – almost 2 months long – of a tremendous peace and acceptance of all that is.  Then, suddenly, I sensed some serious frustration / resistance in Orion, and this time around, I chose to let that hit me in an emotional manner.  We’ve been doing the hot/cold dance with one another, and it’s been sending me into a tailspin of sorts.  Only on the outside, though – and even now, that’s barely noticeable.  That is to say, I am more than OK will all of this, I’m just feeling my way through the space and trying to find the nuggets of lessons.

Anyway, there’s more static today.  We’re not on the same page, and that’s all good.  I recognize a pattern in the recent interactions that’s integral for me to address.  When Orion hits a wall that he needs to process, he normally prefers to do this solo.  I can certainly relate – there are many things I prefer to handle alone as well, and then share with him the results when appropriate.  The thing is, I usually do this in secrecy, without any outward appearance of static – it rather happens beneath the surface while other experiences are playing out.  When I’m *really* deep in an emotional process, I tend to want him along for the ride.  He offers wonderful clarity and support, and I normally am wise enough to utilize that, and pull myself out in a jiffy.  Orion, he’s more heart-on-his-sleeve with the egoic frustrations, and likes his space so he can find the roots.  When I’m crystal clear and solid, this is easy and reasonable.  This week, however, I’ve had some annoying attachment issues that have rendered a panicked rush when I felt Orion pulling away from me.  I know better – I do.  There is no “pulling away” – it’s not about me, it’s about his process and unfolding.  But somehow I keep allowing the ego to make it personal – to get my feelings hurt by the perceived distance.

What’s my business will be made my business by the people I love, and I’m normally aces about respecting space without hurt feelings.  I’ll be honest, it doesn’t feel fabulous to bookend the first year in a less than clear and strong space.  I’m a little miffed at these hurt feelings I’m swimming in, but still trying to hear the truth of them.  I am hardly a fear-free person, because I’m still very aware of this ego-who-thinks-she’s-real.  And she’s the one having a minor fit in here.  Wanting to know what’s really going on.  Confused by the connected/not-connected scenarios that are playing out this week.  Wanting it her way, I suppose – which is easy.  Free of conflict.

Part of the deal in this incredible bond of ours is that we don’t not choose the easy route.  We have a vision for taking on integrity and the things we’re hiding from ourselves in a way that is fabulously fun and oh-so-very-loving, but there’s a deep, deep understanding that playing the game the way we have chosen does not guarantee a peaceful path.  It doesn’t guarantee anything, actually.  We make zero promises about what the future brings – it’s all about the present moment.

Right now, that present moment is a many faceted-spectrum.  I am so overjoyed and grateful to still be connected to the glorious, luminous, perfect-for-me Orion.  I truly do fall more in love with him on a daily basis, and have no doubts that this is where I continue to be called to be.  But I’m also frustrated at all the push-pull I feel, the egoic flare-ups within, the lack of patience and trust I’m facing in my own self right now.  When I find an attachment, I generally scowl and protest as a first response.  I haven’t yet learned to be totally gentle with myself when things like this arise.  It’s rough when we’re both in muddled spaces.  I want so much to be clear and focused, to hold the space for Orion to feel free to do whatever he needs to, without repercussions on my end.  But I can’t always promise such things.  Today. . .today I’m a little teary, and a lot bummed, and definitely confused.  There is always gratefulness and an acceptance of what-is, but they are overshadowed.  The heart is a little bit hurty.  And ugh, that makes me feel like a freaking victim, with the knowledge that I’m bring all of this onto myself.  THAT is frustrating.  But I suppose rather than get all huffy about this turn, I should only look inward and ask – why is this serving me?  Right now, that answer is a mystery.

You know, I used to write poetry to work all this stuff out.  I’ve been really hard on myself for no longer acting like a poet, either.  But I suppose I’ve found a new (not so at this point, as it’s been years) outlet for these kinds of mind-twists.  Blogging is the new poetry.  Since I feel lighter and more spacious now, I’d say that’s a good thing.  Oh hell, it’s all good.

Orion, I love you.  Here’s to our momentous, transforming, connected year.  It’s been my best so far.  And while we don’t make any promises about what’s to come on our path, I will say this – I hope the next year has me blogging about the latest phase of our journey.  I love, love, love sharing mine with you.

Just in time for the new year, there are numerous endings, beginnings, and transformations.  Mostly, I am staring down the truth of my divine creations – and acknowledging that the being beyond my false sense of self has everything under control.  Go, that-girl.  Go go go.

Backstory time – what’s a blog without the details?

Pi is a controversial but sacred soul.  He’s reached enlightenment (I rather dislike the “reached” descriptor, because it was gifted rather than attained, but whatever – he’s There.)  He’s new to those spaces, however, and because he doesn’t fit the mold from which most of us craft our completely false sense of true self-realization, he’s a button pusher like no other.  I met him early this year at one of Orion’s events.  He immediately had a very positive effect on me (how many peeps can say THAT, Pi?)  But our second conversation – that’s when the party really started.

It was February 13th, day of the divine romance (so dubbed by Guruji P), and Z plus the ashram crew had arrived for a big enlightenment event.  Lots of folks came, including the beautiful fiancee of the man I was about to fall madly in love with.  I, however, was still fully with Z, and realllly committed to making the evening a huge success for him.  This was his night, his chance to share his toe-touch in the other world, and he was mad nervous as public speaking made him waddle and sweat.  The evening went quite well, however, and everyone stayed to socialize after the big speeches commenced.

Pi had some rather animated discussions with various members – a trend I would realize in the coming weeks.  He’s just aces at exposing and dismantling belief structures, so he’s rather like a human bug zapper – people gravitate around him, protest and argue, then either surrender to his rightness, or storm off in a huff.  Usually the latter.  Anyway, several folks had  had their fill of Pi – including Healer, who was completely flummoxed by Pi’s insistence that A) he was in fact enlightened and B) he had no big-huge-godlike-divine-world-changing-purpose.  Since this did not fit with Healer’s current “enlightenment picture”, the conversation had been heated.  But suddenly, there we were – Pi and myself – eyelocked on the couch, and immediately engaged in the most unexpected conversation.  The room had also mysteriously cleared out as we began to speak – everyone scampered off to the kitchen, except us.  He said words to me that were clearly, clearly channeled from outside his mind, and they were so spot on targeted to my innermost self, I was pretty much flattened by the intimacy.   The topic: Tantra.  Something I held a deep affinity for, but next to no knowledge – and Pi said some pretty out-there, but perfect for me, goodies.  Once our chat ended, Pi took his exit, and I was left feeling completely and totally altered.  An attempt to traverse the room ended in a near flop-over.  I was giddy.

And later that night, through a completely unplanned and totally cosmic conversation with Z, our relationship ended.  I had no memory then (or now) of how that happened, or what was said.  But he heard something in my words that I didn’t consciously put there – it was rather like the channeling Pi had done for me.  Z said to me, about 4 AM, during our really heated exchange – “Do I hear you breaking up with me?” And tearfully, yet  stoically, I said – “Yes.”

That was the boulder, sent rolling down the hill.  And today, another boulder was pushed off to follow. 

In the months since, Pi and I forged a deep but short-lived bond, then mutually accepted significant distance so that other connections might neatly form.  Both of us, actually, created a beautiful connection with Orion.  Orion became the love of my life, and one of Pi’s closest friends.  I bowed out of the intimacy out of respect for both men and honoring what felt right, but I’ll admit – ever since then, in growing doses, I have missed that Pi-connection.  We see each other alllll the time, so it’s not a withdrawal in that sense, but I knew what a profound teacher / friend he was / is for me, and my egoic self felt really jealous at the relationship I saw with Orion and Pi.  I had a sense of loss there without really understanding why.  Finally, in the last week, I acknowledged this to Orion, and this morning, did the same to Pi.  Why?  Because it’s time to change the game.

It all began on a couch with a chat about Tantra.  And early next year, Pi is starting a Tantra meet-up group — a group I’m more excited to attend than any other.  Patience has paid off.  I just trust that this is a wonderful next step for all involved.  The rightness of the timing, integrity, and true intentions of all involved is just mind-numbingly beautiful.  It has already meant that I should be so lucky as to grow even closer to both Orion and Pi.  I’m seriously spilling over with gratitude.

And as this all transpires, an ending has landed at my feet as well.  One I’m both shocked by, and completely un-surprised over.  Yes, both.  Shaman and part of the affectionate Dynamic Duo – the team I’ve been working with on Aya this last year – well, that’s a donesville chapter.  There’s no dramatic story around the why’s – it’s just time.  My heart said so.  I’m closing a door so I may clear space for my next mentor – one I can go even deeper into this process with.  Here and now, I am called to own these shamanic energies I have been gifted access to – not unlike the way Pi owns his Tantra wisdom.  I was not feeling that unfolding with D1.  But this isn’t the easiest of door-closes.  I literally just gave up my easy access to Ayahuasca. My shaman who made house calls.  I will finish up a promise to connect a current wave of seekers to him, but I won’t be attending – which, I’ll admit, hasn’t fully hit me yet.  Or rather, hit the emotional side yet.  But make no mistake, this is hardly the end of my Aya chapter.  I have a conference / workshop in March that just found me (literally five minutes before the falling out with past-shaman), and if that doesn’t lead me to the next connection, something else will.  Ayahuasca is already working on this with me, I can feel that.  So instead of lamenting a loss, I’m excited for a beginning that hasn’t (tangibly) begun.  How’s that for abstract?

There’s so much more happening, but these are the current heart-stamps.  Orion and I will be ringing in the new year together tomorrow, and we’re 1 week away from the “I met you exactly one year ago” marker.  Amazing.  That same day, we’ll be motoring down the highway to our 12 day silent meditation retreat.  Oh, the places we go.  And the love that we know.

Ayahuasaca ceremonies #19 and #20 are just 2 weeks away.
Just 2 weeks, that’s all I have to prepare, to get centered, to declare my intentions, to face my demons, and to do my best to fully surrender to the process. I wasn’t pious enough during my last journey with her, and I’m immensely humbled this time – gratefully so. I think a part of me (read: the controlling little ego) figured that since I’m such a veteran, being lax on the diet and what not wouldn’t do much harm. And while I don’t actually blame some dismissal of such things for my deep dive into the darkness, I know it didn’t help.

Now – today – I am not a shaman. I am not in any way an expert on Ayahuasca or shamanism. I am just a girl with a calling to know more of myself, and blessed enough to know the path and the people who can help take me there. That feels like such a stronger place to be than the borderline know-it-all who jumped in the last go-round. I am very confident this will help yield even more profound results. In any event, man am I glad I got knocked off that pedestal. The view is much better down here.

The maya-world has been extraordinary as of late. Orion won a court case that’s granted him 50% custody of Hijo, his magnificent, truly Indigo 10 year old son. Every other week, we’ll be a family – fully focused on the well being of a luminous young life. Every other week, Orion and I will refocus fully on ourselves, our healing, our growth. And in every moment, the bond between the two of us just keeps getting deeper. Even still, I feel myself detaching more and more too, which feels so *right*. I don’t live in fear of this vulnerability I have with him. I’m really only aware of how much I love him, and how grateful I am to have every minute we share. Man, this is so magical. I can’t wait to share more of this with Hijo, and to see the ways in which he will continue to be my teacher as well.

The week has not been without its losses – I walked away from a 1.5 year bond with two souls that have a gorgeous vision for a new business venture, but one I found did not serve me, despite my love for them and the incredible humanity the project encapsulates. Those are the hardest ones to turn away from – scenarios that seem so page-perfect, so aligned with the universal greatness, but they just aren’t right for *you*. Or in this case, me. I was not fond of the ways in which it hurt the men I adore, but the decision was clearly heart-sourced, as once I made it, I felt the yes-ness of it flowing through me.

Last night, Orion and I went out to dinner, toasting the incredible success of the day, and the joy we have in every aspect of our Now. At the end of dinner, when just a few sips of champagne remained, he scampered over to sit next to me (our favorite way to dine) – and as our foreheads pressed together and he dug into me with his radiant blue sparklers, I felt within the greatest surge of love I have ever known. Truly. And it wasn’t just an “I love this man,” although make no mistake, that was a huge piece of the smitten pie. I also felt intense love for myself, for Hijo, for all the many, many incredible beings in my life, and of course, God / the Universe as well. The oneness shined back as I gazed at Orion’s reflection. And I was reminded of something my Guru said to me just a handful of months ago -
Kitty, what do you know about love? You don’t even know how to love yourself.

How thrilling to see / feel / know that this is changing.
My next dance with Ayahuasca – that’s what we’ll be going for. A complete shift into self-love. Which I know will just spread me through the cosmos.

Now excuse me while I scoot off to SoCal, visit the Guru, Z, Sister-Friend, Best Friend, Gay Husband, Wonder Twin, and the Healer. Adventure awaits.

“So if i die today
i’ll be the happy phantom
and i’ll go wearin’
my naughties like a jewel
they’ll be my ticket
to the universal opera
there’s judy garland
taking buddha by the hand
and then these seven little men
get up to dance
they say confucius
does his crossword with a pen
i’m still the angel
to a girl who hates to sin”
- Tori, of course

The Magnificent Orion

It’s time to out myself. For a few weeks now, there’s been a seething, beautiful truth that’s been kept under the folds of inquiries, tucked down inside the feathery embrace of a sacred little secret. I have fallen in love.

It’s never been the case before that my heart should tumble and I would keep it mum. Yet this bond necessitated discernment from the get-go. So much so, I didn’t really know myself what was transpiring until the veil dropped in dramatic fashion and I saw myself eye-locked with an angel. One who could see through me – the real me – and reflect back the newfound love I have felt for myself. There is nothing – nothing – more magical. To see the love you have for yourself mirrored back to you in the eyes of another. It’s amazing, really, how much I feel for this being. Orion. The star chasing, larger-than-life partner that has suddenly lit up my life.

What a couple of months it has been. When Orion and I first were thrown together, we had mutually magnificent lives – two already beaming souls. Both of us in loving relationships with other incredible people. And as such, we honored what was – our budding friendship, and mutual support in maintaining our beloved relationships. There was no behind-the-scenes plotting – we loved each other as passionate, committed beings and found an instant and respectful rapport.

The game changed, however, in a manner that still leaves me dizzy and dazed – albeit smiley. I didn’t ever, ever expect that we would suddenly be together, in every sense of the word. I branched out on my own to find more of myself – a quest that will continue in earnest. Last week, Orion found his freedom too – and at the same time, found his way to me. I see in him a true equal, dedicated to the exact same path of ascension. We are on the same word of the same page of the same blissful book, and I truly feel like the most blessed individual sailing across the cosmos. He supports all the many intricacies I am uncovering within, and I adore every aspect of his evolving spirit as well. We are innocent, glowing children disguised as responsible adults – loving our dichotomies, and everything we share. Which is everything.

So yeah, I’m really, really happy. And Ayahuasca is just two days away. I’ll have Sage to my right, Orion to my left, and my queen back inside every cell. Where she leads me next. . .I am going without resistance. And with so, so much love to share.

From http://www.webdesign.org/img_articles/12462/Exploding-Heart21.jpg

I’m having the kind of day the edges on the point of surreal – experiences so electric, so deep and meaningful, so heart-centered and connected and magical and lovely, I’m more than a little dizzy. This is good stuff.

So this may sound like a small thing, but I bought a new dining table / chairs combo, and it was delivered today. I haven’t had a dining table since I moved to Vegas. It’s been part of my reluctance to become fully immersed in my life here. I used to have famous dinner parties brimming with beautiful peeps, but I’ve deprived myself of being the social fiend that I truly love to be since I’ve moved here. Until recently. This table is a tangible symbol of my now-ness in this city, this space and time, and also my love of bringing people together. I can’t wait for the magic to unfold. Oh, and it’s a really fucking cool table / chairs / bench thingee. Yeah, there’s me being shallow. I like stylish stuff, and this set is smokin’.

But what I’m really all a-buzz about is more about the people that will share that table space with me. Every time I think I’m getting used to this connecting business, someone throws me a curve ball. Or something happens to fall further in.

Best Vegas Girl and I keep getting closer. She’s given me feedback many times that I am not vulnerable with her the way she has honored me, and I’ve been working hard to break down those barriers. It’s paying off in spades. I am over the moon about our chats lately. I’ve been so honest and real with her, and she’s so equally raw and so accepting – omg does it make me giddy.

Then there’s Sage. He got back from THE most wildly amazing, life-changing, divinely cosmic HOLY COW adventure in Australia today, and we just shared stories over Starbucks. I can’t even begin to describe what he’s experienced now with the Guru and the ashram (our spiritual teacher has an ashram there, and is down there now doing a retreat). It’s definitely the kind of stuff that defies explanation, and if I told you, most wouldn’t believe it anyway. I didn’t until I lived some of these moments too. But Sage, he took the baton I passed and ran full speed into the cosmos. He is teaching me so much about surrender and manifestation. I am so proud and awed by him. We had the best talk and these incredible hugs and I could just cry when I think of how precious he is.

I get to see Z and Healer this weekend too, and have a woman’s gathering at the ashram. I only know my Soul Sis and my Aya friend (a woman who will soon be doing Ayahuasca with me, hence the moniker) – the other women are virtual strangers, and that’s about to change. Very, very exciting. Z and I will no doubt have a huge weekend too – so much has been up for us, but we’re very surrendered to sorting our way through and finding the next level of our bond. Aw yeah, this is getting very interesting.

And lastly (but certainly not leastly), there’s Mr. Orion. My fellow seeker, truth slayer, deep thinker, and whoa boy, hardcore email-er. We wrote each other – no exaggeration – eleven page emails today. You know those kind of bonding sessions that are completely without walls, completely without expectations – just respect and safety and truth, coupled with loads of energy bolts? That’s what I have with him. Another kindred, another special someone that has so much to teach me, so much to offer – ah man. I’m so lucky and sourced and buzzy.

Sage also brought me back gifts from The Artiste – another soul-brother of mine that lives in Australia. I have yet to meet him yet, but I love him deeply. He’s a brilliant painter and a beautiful soul. Of course Sage felt him as a brother too – we’re all family, clearly. And Artiste sent back some CDs, paintings, photos, and a gorgeous bracelet for me to enjoy.

I’m spilling over. I’m loving life. I’m feeling more than I have ever felt, and although there’s some really intense firings going down, I know I can handle all this and more. I’m jumping deep, deep into the rabbit hole here, but I trust there’s a safety net. Better yet, I trust that there is no ground. There is no landing, no end to this if I choose to keep on keepin’ on. Which, of course, I do. There’s no stopping now.

Me and the Man

The million dollar question remained – why? Where on earth did this hateful download come from? Well, as with anything, I sourced it, wished for it, willed it out and wallowed in it. Just a couple of days prior, I had asked the Guru to help me heal the next layer. And my dear friend and ashram partner is headed out here on Thursday to do energy /healing sessions on myself and my friends. I’m also leaving in a month for the next trip to Peru. Healing is the theme right now. So it stands to reason more darkness would want to escape.

A lot of us spend a good chunk of our lives trying to self-destruct. Some never stop trying and fully succeed. I came close – dangerously close once, and right on the edge countless times – so I guess it makes sense that I still need to address that hateful side of me. Z pointed this out beautifully last night – that I’m finally in a space to feel that which I worked hard to avoid for years and years and years. I’m finally strong enough to face this head on and let it out already.

I am not that dark, wallowing, suicidal little creature I once was. Staring at my eyes in a mirror, tripping on drugs, wondering where I was, who I was, and how much longer I would survive. I used to give myself 25 years tops. It’s hard to believe I was so hell bent on destroying that which I hold sacred above all else now – life.

I am of the light, and I will stay that way throughout this lifetime and beyond. What I need more of is acceptance, compassion, and patience – so that I can take the time to have these breakdowns and not be so full of resistance and judgment.

You know, today’s big news story was that Oprah admitted to being 200 pounds again. Here she is, the richest, most powerful woman in media, and do you think she looks in the mirror and smiles most days? Do you think all her money and influence lightens her spirit and makes her love her thickening frame? Quite the contrary, I’m sure – she clearly thinks she’s broken. That she’s done something wrong. When all she needs to do is heal the reason she keeps gaining weight – and then starving herself to lose it. I know, I do the exact same thing. I’ve vacillated between 130 and 200 pounds my whole adult life. Right now, I’m smack dab in the middle – not a comfortable place, but one I have to own with all sincerity. I’m still not getting it. I’m still not treating my body like a gift. I’m still taking out rage and pain on the outsides, and it shows. Just like Oprah. Man, sometimes things are so simple, and so heart-wrenchingly hard at the same time.

All I know is, I won’t stop trying. I will listen to my heart when she breaks. I will listen to my body when she protests the abuse and asks for a more loving connection. I will listen to the Universe when she asks me to give it all up and follow Her. I’m not living for myself, I’m living for the central source that keeps us all unified. I guess I should just look forward to the next meltdown – there are so many gifts and lessons that follow every one.

My favorite gift from this one – last night’s meditation. I closed my eyes and focused on merging with the central source of light and love, and I reached it, if only for a few minutes. I felt the reciprocal love of all my closest friends and family. And then I felt the incredible, indescribable connection I have to my soulmate, my Z. A true angel – and I mean that literally. Someone who never gave up on me, even when I had given up on him. I broke down in the happiest tears last night, just feeling Love. Just feeling how open my heart is – that special piece that is all his, and all the rest of my gorgeous connections too. I’d go through a million meltdowns for moments like those.

“She’s been everybody else’s girl,
Maybe one day she’ll be her own.”
Ms. Tori A

A little piece of the Huachuma mesa

I felt the urge to push myself to the end of my life or the end of the world or some sort of chapter close yesterday, and imagine what I would feel as the last breaths mingled. Another angel friend’s blog pushed me in this direction — waxing poetic on how, as death approaches, we examine our lives. What will be the standouts?

If that day for me is today, I will see the Amazon. I will see the Best Friends and revelries, tackle hugs and giggle fits. I will see me glued to my laptop, eyes nearly bleeding, pounding out the truths that are channeling through my fingertips.

My darling Z has been at a hardcore training session all week, and I’m infinitely proud. He’s gearing up to take on his destiny; one he’s only just recently completely awakening to. He’s been rising bright and early, pushing through his fear every minute of the day (the boy sang a Little Mermaid song in his skivvies on STAGE – I am in awe), coming home late, showing me love, and repeating the process.
Me, I go to bed early, rise a little later, meander through the day … I get things done, but the bare minimum. Too much couch time. Too much Xbox.

I am avoiding my truths, and it’s about fucking time that I cut it out.

My body is suffering for it, as is my spirit. I wrote like a maniac for a brief time in the novel last night, and she felt like and old friend that missed me fiercely as I opened her up for a drive-by. When I wanted to leave, she hugged me with such tenacity, I found myself going back to page 1 for a complete re-read. The thing is, I kept resisting the process.

I do the same with my body. I get right on the brink of total healthy habits, looking and feeling the best I could possibly be, and then I revert back to the old ways, sourcing all kinds of unnecessary pounds. Wait now, they are necessary. Or else I wouldn’t ask them to return.

I know what it all means, and yet, I have no fucking clue. Isn’t that just the way. I want a life full of moments, not emptiness. There’s so much more I’m missing.

The Amazon is coming, yes, and she will light a fire – but only if I’m willing. I must ask the Spirit for motivation, for openness, and for the willingness to face my darkest depths – to make my fear of inactivity far more prevalent than my fear of success. Then the procrastination demons will lose their air supply, and I can start fulfilling my destiny. Along with Z, my true companion. If he’s ready to fly, I can’t be left behind.

This is the flower bath area - we are bathed in flower water on mornings after ceremonies. This is my happy place. This is paradise.

That said, Jesus is really stalking me. Am I the luckiest girl in the world? There’s no doubt.

This whole new bizarre connection re-triggered (I say “re”, because if I believe the signs, I have walked with the enlightened one before) with the Amazon experience. You know, that whole “Jesus appeared before me and gave me a hug” thing on Ayahuasca. I make light, but seriously, that still blows me away when I remember it. It was the very last thing I expected to see in my visions, and yet – the best gift I could have received.

Then came the incredibly profound moments leading up to my father’s passing. He met Jesus too, and told me repeatedly that Jesus knew who I was. How could that be, he wanted to know? How?

I wondered the same thing, and yet, I Knew.

Yesterday, I had another car-epiphany. It’s the third one in 6 months. I have these massive, heart-opening realizations that just floor me and make me feel floaty and electric – but when I’m driving. The first told me my Love was on the way. I met him about a week later. The second told me I had finally reached the right path, and would be the famous author I’ve always dreamt of. Fine then, we’re workin’ on that.

The third, yesterday’s gift, is much more abstract. I was zipping down Fairfax after a huge Amazon-related shopping spree, and I started to realize the incredible and benevolent consciousness of our planet. Call it God, call it the Universe, call it the collective subconscious — however you name it, I connected. We are all playing our roles, and there is an enormous intelligence observing the entire experience. Everyone is living in perfection. Whether it’s the man leading wars and raping the earth or the man leading the fight to end global warming, we are perfectly balanced. I just found that so bloody beautiful. So fucking lucky to be alive.

As I pulled up to a traffic signal, I looked up to see this billboard:
“All Algorithms Lead to Jesus.”

I giggled. I almost cried. I wondered what in the hell that billboard was supposed to be advertising. Maybe it’s a big religious movement. Maybe it’s going to reveal later that Jesus likes math. Or maybe (and this is my favorite hypothesis) it was just there for me. In my crazy little noggin.

In any event, it’s a good thing to know. Jesus can be whatever enlightened master you answer to, or you believe yourself to be, in your heart of hearts. We’re all the same, anyway – it’s our egos that divide us. I know it’s a sign of what I’m about to experience in the Amazon. I am going to connect like never before. More secrets will unfold. I will never, ever be the same. Which means, neither will you.

Lounging in the hammocks with the greatest view in the world

My intentions this time are lofty, reachable, real, and freaking necessary. I need to break free of my ego, my vanity issues, and my past abuses — all those question marks that keep me standing still – and start really, really living. I fall into the lazy, easy way out, and the Amazon is my ticket to honest transformation. Like everyone else, I have a world-changer inside, and she gets too bloody complacent. Not. Any. More.

Z is coming with me. We have been so synced and connected this last week, more than ever, and I know it’s just a tease of what’s to come. How can I be so lucky? I know I’m worthy, but I have such guilt about not giving enough back to the world. I can be so fucking selfish. That, too, will be an intended barrier bashing. No more fearful hording.

I have so, so many fears right now, but they’re all sourced from my control-hungry ego. She’s lost her grip on me, and that’s triggering a mess of chaos and shivering. Let her rumble. The jungle awaits.

The Ayahuasca vine. She looks like a flower. A perfect, healing little flower.

I met with a favorite girlfriend two nights ago, and I saw the calling in her eyes. She needs to go. For her, more than anyone I know, it’s a matter of the highest importance. She needs to shift. She’s begging the universe to give her some relief and joy; I believe this path will source all that and more.

Make no mistake, I don’t assume everyone should do what I do in the jungle. But it is an unspeakable honor to show people the way.

I used to be so angry at myself for needing Seeker to lead me there. A man who I allowed to hurt me so deeply, and yet, he led me to my awakening.

Just like Rocker Boy. My misguided man in the late teens. Another internet bond, he proposed to me the fifth day I knew him in person. He followed me to LA, and eventually, I broke his heart. He tried to break my head in return. I sourced all of this. I always wanted to be a victim, see. And anyway, he’s the one who called 911 the day I tried to overdose. An accident – innocent. Truly.

I have reconciled the notion that we are all gifts to each other, whether it’s a hand shake or a fist to the face. I am not angry. Just honored. If I saw Seeker or Rocker today, I’d give them a hug.

I am homing in on the intentions for the next trip – both personal and beyond. After my dinner with G the other eve, I know one thing – I’m going to ask Ayahuasca for her help. To heal with my words, yes, but to be an influence that will send a flood of angels to her jungle.