Enlightenment is a gas, really.  Line up 10 enlightened peeps, and they’ll give you 10 different explanations for what it is.  AND they’ll argue that some of their peers ARE and AREN’T enlightened, thereby flummoxing the surrounding seekers all the more. This is, of course, a gigantic favor.  Since I understand unequivocally now that my mind will never actually be enlightened, and that I’m in the process of accessing an entirely different part of myself, I realize this word game, the he-said-she-said, is completely meaningless.  As Orion discovered in the shower one day, any / all words = false.  Even those uttered by God.

I surround myself with enlightenment.  Men that claim it, others that claim to be close to it.  Books about it.  Audio broadcasts. In-person events / speakers / retreats.  And yet no one can tell me what IT is.  Which is marvelous, no?  That I would be chasing some mysterious illusion with such a passionate, reckless abandon?  

Marvelous, yes.  But not always to the smaller self.  Some moments I yearn for a tangible carrot, something I can see / taste / feel and know it’s worth this incessant yearning.

Yet when I ask myself, on the highest level, why I, the creator of my world, would manifest such mass confusion – I have an immediate answer.  Enlightenment can’t be defined because that which defines EVERYTHING (ie, our big hairy-scary brains) knows nothing of it.  Furthermore, by hitting my head against a mammoth brick wall whenever I approach this topic, it forces me to go deep and find what it means to me.

In other words, what is the big beautiful dream I’m chasing?  What exactly do I WANT?

Today, I’m feeling edgy and frayed, angered and annoyed at the slightest of infractions.  My life is massively unsettled.  I really don’t have a clue what’s happening on any level.  I can still access the Everything’s OK place with ease – the emotional upheaval isn’t the strongest force.  I’m watching my reactions from the observer mode, and she’s got a big toothy grin.  We’re having fun in this uncomfortable, uncertain, crazy little space – but it leads me to really define – what is enlightenment to me?  Am I trying to evolve myself out of these emotions all together?

I recently had the opportunity to attend a day-long enlightenment event with Timothy Freke, author of the brilliant Lucid Living, Jesus Mysterious, How Long Is Now?, and many more.  On my first date with the Seeker, he gifted me with Lucid Living, and it smacked me upside the head in the most magnificent way.  Tim’s take on this game is relatable – he advocates what he calls the “both / and” perspective (a term my huachumero shaman, Howard, uses as well.)  Tim states that he LOVES his human side too much to transcend it all together.  He acknowledges attachments to people like his children and wife, and absolutely wants those to stay intact.  In other words, if he got the call that his son had died, he’d still want to own that devastation and pain.  I suspect he would say this is part of being human.  Part of our rite of passage.  The key here is to never get LOST in that pain, to never truly identify it as your core self.  But there are many on this path that still have a very real attachment to this idea of humanness.

Is that what I want?

There’s a very strong piece of me that feels the need to challenge this – that there is another way of being.  It’s just a matter of determining whether or not you want it.  Which is clearly the process I’m working through as I write this.

The other way is the Tao.  An all-embracing perspective that what is is perfect.  Even when your cat is sawed in two by pranksters on Halloween (an actual event that happened to a very enlightened friend of mine this year.)  Even when your father dies (back to my fated event with Daddy.)  There’s pure poetry in embracing whatever the universe brings with a smile.  A smile like that the one on Daniel Pearl’s face when he was hooded and held by knifepoint by his angry captors, about to be beheaded.  Who would dare smile at a moment like that?  The same person that would do so when they’re staring at their dead, mutilated pet.  Or their dying father.

And is that human?  Is that really a state to aspire to?

When I started this blog, I wanted desperately to cling to this humanness, as I have defined it here – that which helps us feel.  I suspect I will always, always have these emotions, although I do allow for that to transform as well.  I can acknowledge that the old identity was once obsessed with anything that made her feel, as so much time was spent in denial of that self.  I can also admit there’s more to feel within, and I am hardly done with playing that game.  But I can say now, something that’s starting to really solidify internally, that I do not need to be the cesspool of emotions forever.  That those days are dying too, in that slow-like-honey fashion.  

It’s easy to say – I’m willing to give up my pain.  Well, strike that, it hasn’t been THAT easy, as it’s been a huge part of my identity until recently, but I’m more than thrilled to drop that story.  The hardest part is giving up my bliss.  Exiting the world of duality and into the oneness requires this.  I can’t say “God, take my pain, but I want to keep my bliss AND become self-realized.”  The acknowledgement that pain and bliss are separate sends me right back into the dualistic, ego-driven realms.  I’ve got that world in my rearview, but my eyes are still so transfixed.  Time to revert the gaze and see the beautiful nothingness that lies before.

Of course, in my willingness to be the source and the emptiness from which it came, the willingness to take my happiest memories and my highest highs and drop them on the alter like pearls (as my beloved Mac always teaches us), will in turn allow me to experience all that and more, but in this new transcended perspective.  At least, that’s the assumption, but it can’t be relied upon, or I’m not really giving it all up.  That’s like sleeping with one eye open – there’s an attachment in there.  A lack of surrender.

I guess I know now – that which I am heading towards.  I am taking on the Tao perspective, as it resonates strongest.  I love this world, don’t get me wrong – it’s just that staying behind and holding on to even the smallest of threads won’t get me back home.  It will just keep me lost in this beautiful and maddening illusion.  I want what’s real.  So I will let it all go.