Physically, I haven’t known a single threat. For that, I say thank you.
Emotionally, yeah, you could say there’s been a war or two.

There’s this thing about a book. I have had a contract for publication in progress now for the better part of 2 years. That may be over. There are lawsuits waging, horrendous accusations, and more than a few unkind words for me, one of the very few unwilling to blame anyone else but myself. Blame isn’t the right word. I’m not angry if this falls through, nor am I looking for a scapegoat. It’s all about the journey.
That’s not to say my heart didn’t crack wide open when I heard the news. It’s not official – the company is still trying desperately to prevail – but I can’t say it looks good. Maybe it never did. My rose-colored glasses are sometimes not see-through. I know this, but I also don’t know any other way to be.

I’ve already grown accustomed with the idea that my book may not be published how and when I thought it would. My heart breaks every time I think of it, still, but I can smile about it. I can believe there’s either another way, or a message in there that maybe that’s not the end goal. Doesn’t matter, I’ll just keep writing.

I’ve also been called to honor my duality in ways I never imagined these past weeks as well. See, I grew up most of my life relishing my darkness, unafraid of her depths, and admittedly indulged in the dark hours way too much. I took substances – any substance, really – to dull my senses and help me wallow more. All that is gone now, the obsession and escapist side, but what I realized is that I tried to dishonor that half of me – wish her out of existence.

It’s just not possible. How dare I think half of me had to go away.

When I was last in Peru, I went to a place called El Brujo, the site of human sacrifices during the mochi tribe. They killed some of their strongest as a gift to the gods, so they could be spared the wrath of El Nino. I came to completely and totally understand not only the necessity, but the beauty of these actions. I also came to know that no matter how much it tried to seduce me, I myself would never succumb to the allure of ultimate power and darkness. I could walk to the edge, however often I chose, to observe and witness and Know. But I would never go too far. Not because of some insane brute strength, but because of my goodness. We all have it, but I got to see mine. Indisputable.

I thought when I left that vortex, those sacred grounds, I could cast of the darkness and just revel in the light.
See, I still have so much to learn.

As a Gemini and a human, I walk in contradiction every day. I’m finished denying the parts of me that don’t look the way others feel they should – myself included. I will simply love. Myself, the god-realizeds and the murderers alike. No more resistance.

Life is changing. In a big, big way. All I can do is receive as best I know, and not let the judgments land. Listen as best I can, but never let it sway the inner voice.

Sounds simple enough, yes? I just wonder where it will take me next . . .

Scenery during a jungle walk

The first night on Ayahuasca, in my visions, I danced for hours. Even as the darkness was spewing forth before my eyes, as black organza fabric ripped from my mouth, and I was dunked in a vat of tar, trying to breathe in the sticky goo and continue to persist – yes, even still, I was dancing. This cartoony, pony-tail wearing avatar of me appeared, and next to her was a Jaguar – playful, protective, regal, and equally cheerful. I knew in an instant she was my spirit guide, my eternal companion. The second night, when hell beckoned and I felt, quite literally, the pain of the whole seething world, she was my only comfort. She pushed inside my chest, lifting her head out to rub my forehead and soothe me. She told me her name was Sacha – a sacred term in Quecha. It means Fire, and Forest. She became both my will to persevere, and my sanctuary. Fitting, in every conceivable way.

I have her with me – every moment. I have dreams about Jaguars, and feel so intimately close to them. So lucky to know what it’s like to feel their spirits. So, what’s the logical next step in all of this? A big ass, massive back tapestry – I see my girl Sacha lounging on an Amazon tree branch, her face full of wisdom, pride, and compassion. She lingers above Ayahuasca plants, and rocks etched with ancient Incan symbols – all representing the Jaguar’s sacred power. And, by the way, we know the intense power and magic of Ayahuasca because the ancient Shaman saw Jaguars nibbling on her branches. Wisely, they thought – “We’ll have what they’re having.”

All right then, the idea – I spent hours last night hunting down the perfect visual references for this creation, and realized that in terms of monetary value, Lipo and a back tapestry are damn near the same. My question for myself, and the universe, was simple – which shall I choose, if I can only have one? Right – like I have to answer that.

Seems like a fair trade – for now. I may still have both, I deserve that right, but Sacha and her sacredness is far more important to pursue in the short term. She is my eternal power. This *squeezes fat* is just the house I live in, for one little life. See, I still have priorities.

The Malway tribe, dancing with palm leaves in the ethereal Amazon

This is good timing for me, as the dream I clung to the most in the last few years – my end all be all – is happening. I’m getting a novel published. I never cared about the scale of it – I am perfectly happy to release it in small doses. But it’s really truly transpiring, and more magical than I ever imagined. I’m ready to elevate to stage 2 – start realizing the dreams that impact not just me, but my immediate surroundings – the people that I love. Which is everyone. I’m not sure what this looks like – how it is I will impact the world on a massively grand scale. Perhaps with my words, but I envision more effort on my part. It’s not that writing a book is easy; it’s just that I know I’m capable of doing more for this world.

When I got back to the Amazon this December, I’ve got a few massive intentions already plotted out. Those are what I’ll bring with me to the circle. My dream for myself and my world – to stop fighting with myself (in my case, this goddamn body image issue), and to help others release this fruitless banter too. I want to live life as a full-time novelist. I also want to tap more into the clairvoyance I’ve had since I was a wee one – well, to be fair, it’s the very same power we all have. For some reason, I’ve known and believed in mine. I’d like to hone it, to figure out how to use that gift and be more of a healer. It’s time I stop narrowing my focus of what I can do with my dreams, and go for the cosmos. The universe is listening.

Typical evening scene in a tiny Amazonian jungle village

Long story still rather long – I WANT this.

I’m not nervous yet, but I’m sure that will strike in a jiffy. I don’t care about making huge stinking piles of cash anymore, I just want to see my girl in print. But there’s so much editing love left to do before she’s ready – I need to focus. Yee gawds, I’m GIDDY.

Something happened this morning, too, that made me cry. I sent in my official questionnaire yesterday for the next Amazonian journey. I’ll be headed south again right smack dab after Christmas. Anyway, the leader of the expeditions – an absolutely amazing, evolved, clairvoyant angel – said that he knew from the get-go that I was destined to impact the world on a very large scale, and that my second journey was, without a doubt, going to open up incredible avenues of power and self-awareness. To be held in such esteem by someone I believe is transforming the world into a much more beautiful and loving place – fucking special, I must say. This on the heels of a job loss, of a week that could have paralyzed my sense of worth. And instead, I simply know I have purpose. It involves words on screen and paper, and the rest, well – I’ll find out soon. Until then, dammit, I have to get published.