Sitting down to write these words, my heart is in explosion-mode — my God have I missed this space.   There’s no where else I have had the courage to be balls-out honest, in every way – and really, as I have learned so well, that is one of many keys to this spiritual ascension we are all so hip to.  Evidence that perhaps the ego has had her lazy way by hiding.  But at least I’m here to spill.

Hi.  I have missed you.  I have missed this opportunity to surrender.  There has been no lack of effort and intent on this end to unravel, and the results have been insanely successful.  Rather than a play by play of circumstances, I will just tell you the Truth.

There is a space outside the mind so vast, so infinitely beautiful, it terrifies many of us to get there.  “I” was blessed to slip through the eye of the needle in November, during an insanely amazing Ayahuasca journey.  In a nutshell, it went like this:

- Girl spends five years climbing the spiritual mountain, taking any manner of sacred substance to exit stage left, studying with a myriad enlightened teachers, marrying a spiritual powerhouse and perfect mirror, and engaging in brutally honest self-inquiry.

- Girl takes part in ump-teenth ayahuasca ceremonies in November – three in a row.

- The first is a marvelous re-introduction — an opportunity to unravel the mystery of fear, and the realization that fear is the opposite side of the same coin that empowerment lives on.  Girl chooses empowerment, and transcends fear of the unknown.

- Girl has a hilarious night 2, thinking in fact that she won’t even drink aya that night, that instead she will just be of service to those who are Going Big.  The shaman instead pours a 3x the usual dosage and tells her to “trust.”  What the hell.  In she goes.  And it is AWESOME.  Heinously powerful.  Yet the shift she had been dreaming of occurs – the ability to be in multiple spaces of consciousness at the sane time.  The ability to have the massive personal experience, and be very, very present in the room.  Hands are held, heads are caressed, tears are shed with others – all while the internal revelations are revealed.  Absolutely epic.  A true shamanic step UP.

- Girl then resolves to go very, very big on the final night.  The only intent is to surrender – seriously this time, with no fingers crossed behind the proverbial back.  No expectations of reward either.  Just this desperate, sincere request to the medicine that She help girl just Let Go, at long last.  Girl does just that.  So much so that she dissipates – goes into the ethers of the Void, and does so with complete awareness.  No more I.  No more anything other than Everything.  It lasts twenty minutes or so.  Then “she” comes back.

- Girl takes a while to figure out what the hell just happened.  Then it starts integrating, revealing its mysteries.  Girl can’t really describe what the new state of consciousness is – the same, but vastly different.  Personality has returned.  Animation has returned.  As has the awareness that this is a magnificent, profound dream – created by the Source, which is anything but personal.  And officially, and always for every more, All Is Full Of Love.

So where does that leave “me”?  The exact same place I was before – but this time, with a heart-spaced knowing.  I look at the world of people now and see masks that attempt to cover the Oneness, yet they are all so transparent.  I don’t see the egoic “me” everywhere, but I do know the essence of ALL is US – separation is an absolute joke.  Finally, the awareness of my celluar being has caught up with the wisdom my heart always knew.  I wish I could dole this out like mashers at a shelter.  I wish all egos would drop for just an instant, so all apparently separate beings would know who the unified WE really is.  Oh my goodness ya’ll, it is BEAUTIFUL.

My own work has just begin.  Knowing is not an end game, not so long as my spirit takes a body.  There is a newfound urgency around life, along with an awareness of the lack of meaning – at least in the way I used to hold it.  Yet there is strong awareness that the part of this consciousness that thinks itself real will always do so, and gets to be honored in this space.  It is play time, in the highest sense.  Time to be love, in every way possible.  And that is an infinite learnign process.  Good thing, or I would fear getting bored!

And so I can’t help but ponder as 2012 has now tackled hugged us all – how will this story continue?  I foresee a billion and one awakenings, the majority shifting into oneness consciousness.  And with that, a helluva lot of destruction and chaos.  That’s the rub of duality – it’s the structure by which our balance depends on.  You know the old saying – Take the good with the bad.  Well, I would add to that – see the bad as good, too, and you’re literally in heaven.

As I lay in bed the night after the unraveling, an image appeared to me in my lucid state – a mirror appeared, and in it I saw my smiling face, with a beautiful red dot in the center of my third eye.  That red dot represented Enlightenment.  It was always there, not under, but above my nose – waiting to be rediscovered.  As it is for us all.  There is nothing to seek, nothing to wish for, nothing to find – just your true self waiting for you in every moment.  And while there is no formula by which this is revealed in all it’s glory, just know it is possible, for all beings.  This seems to be the year for us to realize that, too.  Why not, ya know?  God placed this burning desire to Know Ourselves in each and every unified heart – seems silly to postpone the inevitable

Happy New Year.  What an unspeakable joy to ascend with you.

Part 1 of the Earth Medicine Weekend Extravaganza #2 outlined the magical safety / wilderness day that led us into day 2 – aka, The Hot Hot Sweat Lodge soiree.   A sweat lodge!  I was so antsy and excited to really *experience* one of these – so primal and ancient and detoxifying.  I had risen super early that morning to meditate and prepare, bringing my four precious plant parts in tow, so that I may not only honor the four winds / directions, but call on them to communicate with me, and lift me up when needed.  I felt all kinds of enforcements around me – therefore I felt no fear, just a quiet, yet very amped, resolve.

The sweat lodge structure is in the back of Teacher’s yard.  It’s a very small, igloo shaped creation, made of criss-crossing sticks.  The shape intentionally resembles a turtle – within this shape, we can and do recreate the womb, so that we may feel safe to heal and release whatever comes up.  About 3 paces outside of the sweat lodge sits the big fire pit.  This required our attention first – we piled in 34 large lava rocks and dozens more pieces of wood, kindling and paper.  As we lit the fire, each of us kept an eager watch on two things – 1) the strength of the fire, so as not to reach any sort of danger zone level and 2) to see the spirit of this particular fire dance into the mix.  Every fire has it’s own spirit, it’s own essence, and we watched to see who would be communing with us.  A fierce, energetic, powerful force?  A more gentle, playful, loving embrace?  Something in between?  Eyes stayed transfixed as the energies grew.

Teacher called the fire department to let them know of our inferno, and we received interesting news – our time may be limited, as the wind gods were expected to start howling in a few hours.  So we stood around the fire and asked it to please not dilly dally – we needed full force flames, and fast, por favor.  Likewise, dear gods that create the billowing gusts, please hold off on said swooshes until after our little ceremony, yes?

To prepare the space, we first had to create a seal.  We took dozens of blankets and tossed them around the turtle stick-mold – blankets on top of blankets on top of blankets.  Then we sealed the bottom edge with rocks, ensuring that absolutely no trace of light could be seen on the inside.  On top of the blankets went a black tarp – for darkness, and to trap in that all-important HEAT. Hallelujah.

Once the lodge was all good to go, we awaited our new friend, Mr. Fire Tender.  Even Teacher had never met this kind soul – he was brand new to the area and had contacted her about participating in sweat lodge ceremonies, as he’s an old pro.  And as luck would have it, we needed a Fire Tender.   He arrived and in an instant, I knew we were in good hands.  A warm, smiley Libra man with an old soul to boot.  Jackpot.  Everything was in place.  The fire’s spirit was a docile yet spunky one, and he had infused the lava rocks with loads of healing heat.  Knowing it was Time, we opened with a prayer, followed the path into inside of the sweat lodge, and began the next phase of our ceremony.

Round 1 honored the spirits of the South – the playful, intuitive, happy parts of ourselves.  We’d start it off on a festive note.  Fire Tender brought in 7 hot lava rocks and rested them in the small pit in the center of the lodge.  The tiny space got instantly toasty with just one rock – by the time all 7 were in place, I was already coated in moisture.  All of us got out our South plant spirit helpers, and Teacher opened the Round with a lovely prayer / song.  Then, one by one, we went around and offered our own individual prayers.  We were free to cry, sing, giggle, talk – whatever was moving through us.  We remembered, too, the experience we had with our South spirit plant the day before, and much of that came rolling through the lodge as well.  I went third, so grateful to the other beautiful folks who got the party started, and I just went for it.  By this time, I was already feeling the effects of the heat, and so incredibly comforted by the immense darkness.  I spoke outloud to my higher self, and thanked my inner child for leading me to such bliss.  I let the happy tears flow, and expressed the immense gratitude that bubbled up and out of every pore.  Then I sang “I am so blessed, I am so grateful” for a few rounds, tossed my South spirit plant into the fire, and felt my heart rip wide open.

The round lasted somewhere around 30 minutes, and once we had all said our peace, Teacher asked for FT to open the door.  The cool air felt freaking fantastic.  We were all absolutely drenched, but crazy exhilarated.  I already felt like a shinier version of myself.  Yes, the heat was intense.  Yes, I had a little dialogue inside that worried we wouldn’t be able to take four rounds – I mean, what if we couldn’t breathe?  What if we had to ask to get out early?  I knew the rules around such things – Teacher asked that we express what our needs were before going for the door.  To ask for help from all that were there to assist – human and spirit – before succumbing to the egoic desire to get the hell out.  I loved the idea of this process.  I knew that naming my fears instantly deflated them, and that was empowering.  So really, there was no fret running through me.  Three more rounds?  Bring it.

Round 2 honored the West – our warrior spirits.  We fished out the West plants from the day before, and started this round in a much different fashion.  Teacher had handed out lyrics to an amazing Ayahuasca song called “All is Welcome Here”, and we sang that to call in the right energies – right after 7 more rocks were added to the lodge.  As the door was sealed and the process began, I was immediately pounded with an entirely different energy.  Shit was this intense.  I clutched my warrior plant and begged, internally, for assistance.  I wasn’t sure I could last 5 minutes in this heat, but I focused on one breath at a time.  Teacher told us, after the opening prayer, to speak and cry and emote whenever we felt the urge.  There were no turns in this round – a free for all, and a really powerful one at that.  I cried a bit, and wailed a little, but mostly, I just spoke to all that was.  I marveled at how amazing it felt to just feel, without abandon.  To let everything come up and out and just be.  I struggled a lot, almost asking for the door a time or two, but I kept asking my body how she was, and she kept saying – I’m perfect.  Keep going.  And the room, wow was it bursting with power.  We all groaned and moaned and let these deep demons release out of us.  So beautiful and therapeutic. And then my most favorite revelation of the day come flooding through – as I called on the spirits to give me strength to make it through this, I felt my chest thrust out and my arms open wide.  ”A true warrior is undefended,” a voice whispered to me.  I sat awestruck by this thought.  Of course, yes – there is nothing to defend.  NOTHING to defend.  Against what was I defending?  LIfe?  I allowed my arms to remain outstretched and kept imagining my heart, completely exposed, seething in the oneness.  Then Teacher called for the door, and I collapsed at the opening, breathing in the cool and delicious air.

Are you altered?  She asked me.  I giggled and yelled YES, thank you!  I felt more normal than the regular waking spaces usually provided – unbridled, totally taken care of, deep into my true essence.  Wow.  We were all awestruck by the energy that was exploding in that space, and a couple of us exited the lodge to get some water, breathe, and grin like idiots.

Round 3 was for the spirits of the North – our elders.  Our ancient selves.  We had FT bring in 7 more rocks, and Teacher opened with another beautiful prayer / song.  Whereas the last round was full of intensity, this one felt more like a warm hug – soft, soothing, intensely quiet.  My posture was totally different too – I was literally falling into myself.  My chin buried into my chest, hair dancing around in sweat-soaked threads, arms embracing my legs.  I felt like an old child.  Strong.  Wise.  Calm.  The rest of my companions seemed to mirror this energy.  We did a free for all again with the prayers and emotions – but this time it was spoken, and not wailed.  We felt revelations coming in left and right – all these ancient gifts.  Breathing was easier, despite the increased heat.  One of the other apprentices echoed what I was thinking to myself – “I could stay here forever.”  At some point, we sacrificed our North plant pieces, and agreed it was time to move on.  The door opened, and we enjoyed fluids and cool breezes.  About 10 minutes later, the last round began.

The final direction honored was the East – our connection to spirit.  We all had this “go big or go home” energy about us, wanting to take full advantage of our last opportunity.  We invited FT to join us, after adding 7 more rocks (!), and it was marvelous to have his additional masculine wisdom.  He sang a song to open us up, and I just reveled in this incredible, altered, beautiful state.  I took huge, deep, gulping breaths of the sweat-laden air, soaking in the tobacco smells.  I had no tears this time, just a very full chest / heart, and more of that immense gratitude for yet another glorious adventure.  I could feel the toxins escaping every pore.  I could feel spirits literally lifting me up – clearing away the dark energies from my heart.  I remembered my best lesson for the day, over and over, saying to myself “I am an undefended warrior.”  I said very little except this – but that said plenty.  So happy.  So grateful.

And then it was over.  The door opened for the last time, and I piled out to lay in the dirt next to another apprentice, and relish the grounding gifts of Mother Earth.  We didn’t say much, the five of us. for the few minutes after the ceremony.  One of us, the Super Woman amongst us, jumped up to tend to the fire – put out the flames and secure the area.  The winds started picking up just as she did so, and I sent out a big thank you to them for waiting until we had completed our task.  Everything was in flow – so perfect.  So precious.

Once we all regained our strength, we enjoyed an incredible ceremonial meal, cooked by Teacher.  We each blessed a different dish – I got to bless the berries.  We ate the awesome food and positively beamed – all of us.  Such hard work, but such sacred work at that.  I knew I had a long drive ahead of me – 5 hours to Phoenix, where Orion would be waiting, and 5 more hours from there.  The ride home would be magnificent.  I knew that already.  But nothing would top this ceremony + meal for sometime.

And now – now I am cleansed, connected, and peaceful.  And looking to connect with locals who do Sweat Lodge ceremonies, as this was something I’d love to repeat.  Again and again.

Back on the eve of Christmas Eve, I found a rare quiet, completely solo night to myself, and felt it right to go deep with the plants again.  My previous Huachuma ceremony was my only to-date solo excursion with Grandfather Wisdom / San Pedro, and I felt like I learned volumes about the energies, especially when it came to me as conductor.  I was ready for round 2.

As always, I set intentions and created a sacred space for going in.  I felt it wise to keep intentions simple and direct this time, and asked the spirits to just show me truth – whatever that might be mean.  I had hit a big wall mentally as of late, and was bloody sick of my mind’s insistence that *she* knew the truth.  I wanted to consult with a higher source.  With that, I gulped down the vile concoction, lit my candles, laid out the mesa (display of sacred items that are used as powerful portals in-ceremony) and hunkered down for the reveal.

Right away, my head kicked into turbo mode.  She had a lot of input on this whole truth matter.  And all of it, out of the gate, was pretty freaking negative and constrictive.  She started making a laundry lists of all my blocks – the reasons I could not yet own the truth, and why it was only a dialogue in my head.  Observer-me disagreed.  We countered with a readiness, an openness, an insistence that no, higher self is ready to show herself.

Mind was having none of that.  She showed her muscle in full effect.

I kept trying to surpass the mind chatter, to dive deeper into the present moment.  But all my mind wanted to do was jerk me into the past or the future.  I curled up by the fireplace, eyes closed and contemplative, but internally, a bloody war bubbled up. Here was some sample chatter:

“The problem is you’re too damn lazy to advance past where you’re at, you hardly ever workout or meditate and besides that those things don’t work, it’s just banter from wanna-bes that masquerade as gurus, and you know better but even still you couldn’t be a guru, it’s not your time, there’s karma to pay for and the like, and you don’t even believe in karma, so good luck with that, because sheesh we are such posers, such a fake little role-player, even when you think you’re being real it’s just a game just a game just a game.”

To which another I within would respond “That’s not true!  SHOW ME TRUTH!”

We played this game for eons.  A few hours or more.  I had some poignant moments at the altar / mesa, but I started really illuminating the hamster in the wheel, spinning along in my humdrum head, trying to keep me from being present.  I felt that anchoring myself deep into the present moment would take me right into the heart of Huachuma’s power, and that I could find my real answers there.  So I scampered upstairs to the bedroom, turned off all the lights, slipped on a blindfold, and fell into sivassana – my favorite meditation pose.  Lying on my back, palms up to the skies, body relaxed and surrendered.

The games continued in my mind, even in this sincere effort to just relax and escape the brain banter.  Instead, she kicked it up another notch.  This time, she hit me with a challenge.

“I’ll show you what’s true.  I’ll show you I’m in control.  I’ll make your cell phone ring.”

“Bullshit you will, I turned my cell phone off when I came up here.”

On cue, the cell rang, and I about freaked out.  I didn’t pick it up, but stared intently at the unknown number.  Then I yelled my demand.

“Leave a message, and it better be TRUE!”

The voicemail bell chimed, and my heart freaked out.  I played the message and had to laugh at the irony.  

It was static.  Nothing but fuzz.  1 1/2 minutes of white noise.  At least we were getting closer – that felt more honest than the nonsense that had been stewing in the mind space all night, so I felt like progress had been made.

Back in meditation mode, things really got dicey.  I could not get around my mind.  She would lead me down a rabbit hole, baiting me with what felt like a real-time revelation, but before I knew it I’d be spelling out a grocery list, fretting about the upcoming Vipassana retreat, lamenting the lack of Orion’s naked body in the bed, on and on and on some more.  But as this volume exploded within, so did a few nuggets of wisdom.

“You can’t beat your mind at her game.  You’re using your mind to chase your mind – she’ll find darker and deeper holes to hide in, and you’ll never cease this game.  Don’t fight fire with fire.”

That, and:

“Use the tools you have in this illusion to *escape* the illusion.”

That one got me.  I had avoided calling on the spirits nestled in my objects of power, because I have come to own the true illusion of this maya-world.  But it struck me that these entities were no more or less real than, say, Orion.  Or Mac.  Or Pi.  And i”m aces at using them to help me out of the madness, so why not extend this to all the manifestations I have gifted myself with?

Yes, that was making serious sense.  And that simply meant I needed to take off the blindfold, go down to the mesa, and use Huachuma in the highest way possible.  With eyes and heart wide open.  Enough with the mind war.

I grabbed the book on my nightstand as I descended the stairs  - “Enlightenment for Beginners” by Chuck Hillig.   That seemed relevant.  I then turned on the Adyashanti recordings Orion had recently burned for me – tuned in to the “Direct Path” dialogue.  I had all guns a-blazin — tools to the hilt.

Truth was hitting me from all sides.  Adya talked about the blazing obsession with truth the most sincerest members of the spiritual path tend to uncover, and I resonated like a mad-woman.  He coupled that with the inevitable “aloneness” stage that hits fast and furiously, and I felt the tears flow as I knew that all too well.  Then I thumbed through Chuck’s book.  Holy cow did that do a number on my head.  It is a brilliant unfolding of – OMG – the truth of who we are!  The way we’ve projected every aspect of our worlds – the movie, the move screen, the projector, and the space between!  

And yet, eegawds, I was not satisfied.  Because it only felt like my mind was in the game – trying to insert herself into the “realness”, when in fact she was the ego-generated, and thus part of the illusion.  And so I didn’t *feel* this truth – it was only be intellectualized.  

But that would have to be enough.  I spent 8 hours in ceremony, tearing down the walls of illusion, and the end result was both profound and meaningless.  Yes, I owned into the core of my being that my mind does not hold the path to enlightenment – she will never share anything but relative truths.  And yes, I once again confirmed that I am – we all are – part of one masterful, God-head awareness.  And that I wasn’t any more or less enlightened than Jesus – I just wasn’t ready to step into that full realization.  I could feel him, and all the other masters, calling to me, whispering “wake up wake up wake up” into my ear, and yet – that block.  That ceiling.

I laughed it off and said thank you to my spirit friends for showing me all this and more.  I couldn’t force it – another priceless message.  My wanting truth wasn’t enough – I had to own my own integrity in every single moment, stay present and detached, and let grace do her thing – if, and when.

Tough lessons, but beautiful all the same.  I climbed back into bed exhausted, brow-beaten, but a little bit wiser in the heart-space.  And ready to get up the next morn and keep on keepin’ on.

“I run into your thought from across the room
Just another trick
Can I weather this
I’ve got a fever above my waist
You got a squeeze box on your knee
I know the truth is in between the 1st and 40th drink”

-Miss Tori A

Click to Listen

I was recently featured on a local radio show, yapping away about shamanism, ayahuasca, huachuma / san pedro, and  liberation. Take a listen at MetaMysticRadio.com – choose the December 16th interview with Kitty.  I actually think it went super well – CJ is a great informal interviewer and we had a ball.

In other news. . .

Yay for holidaze – especially since Orion will likely actually be here, a rarity for an on-call pilot.  Sounds like I get serious family time, which makes me all a-flutter.  I still have such easy access to the childish bliss associated with presents and cookies and seeing other lovees glow.  I can’t wait to see Hijo open the presents I corralled for him – my first year to spoil a child, and I took full advantage.  

I can’t help but be nostalgic.  Not for what’s been lost in the last year, but what’s been found.  Love like no other, a gaggle of incredibly bonded and spiritually connected Vegas friends, and a *stepson* for crying out loud.  Who would have guessed?  Certainly not me.  But the treasures of the last year have taught me to let go of any “me” notions, and let the universe have her way.  My way would have meant a lack of vulnerability and certainly no mommy roles.  My way was clearly far too limited.

If I had to give the year a word, I’d call it Paradoxical.  I systematically dropped just about every known belief structure, chucking out the validity of everything from aliens to egos.  And then picked them all up again in all their glorious unreal-realism.  I’ve come to know the world as a dream, but one I have full manifested control over, yet can’t control at all.  How come both be true?  Because they are.  It just is, and I love it.  Welcome to duality.  But try on non-dualism while you’re at it.

I’m going to embark on a huachuma ceremony later today, with the intention to drop all notions of myself completely.  Huachuma is the ultimate illuminator – capable of lifting the veil of illusion and showing those who walk through his portal what really is.  ”I” will choke down a few mugs of this not-so-condensed putrid plant and welcome his wisdom so deep within, I become nothing.  And in that space, “I” will find . . .whatever is waiting.  The I within wants to know the highest way to work with him as well – how to best integrate his dream-like lessons in this dream-filled world.  And I think I’ll visit Jesus too, maybe bring him in a birthday card.  We can celebrate the un-ness of everything.  Oh, irony.

And that’s about the extent of my current profundity – not much more relevatory than a James Cameron film, I know.  This is stage one of today’s big clearing-out process.

“Love / Is watching / someone die”  - Death Cab

Serpent Mesa, Howard Lawler, Amazon

I had procured Huachuma cactus sometime ago, with the intention of embarking on a sacred ceremony in the near future. A little blurb was scribbled into my to-do list recently: “Schedule Huach. Ceremony”. I guess by that I meant: “Dive in, and fast.”

Orion went forth on another vision quest recently. When he returned from the last one, I (seemingly) fell to pieces. There’s an inner conflict in me sometimes that spurs me into a competitive spirit with regards to this spiritual path wildness. I *know* how off kilter that kind of motivation is, spurred forth by a fear of being left behind, instead of a sincere knowingness about what’s right for me. But there’s a panic that has previously stirred, and she sometimes drives the bus right off the nearest cliff.

On this, his second trip to the desert, we were both in spectacular spaces. I have parred back my own “must do’s” in my spiritual path, and instead have found a groove that just feels right. My own. Mind you, there’s a whole lotta objection going on internally at times, telling me I’m not doing enough, or that I’m doing things incorrectly, but I’m learning more and more to reign that in and just be as I need to be. And let Orion do the same. Lately, that’s not only been working, I’ve also surrendered to the beautiful task of elevating him all the more. What’s my biggest (small) fear, anyway? That he reach the top of the mountain first? Pshaw. There is no worst case in this mixture. I would be so, so honored to be by his side and witness such an opening. He is not only my partner, he is a very tangible extension of my own consciousness. As each of us receives new openings and expansions, so does the other – it’s the magic of this oneness. So yes, I know better. But I don’t always show it.

He went out some days ago, and I felt thrilled for him. Another chance to slip past the egoic spaces and connect with his divinity. There can never be too many. As I pondered my evening’s events, however, something occurred to me – I have Huachuma at home. I, too, can have a journey.
But I wondered – is this in integrity? Am I motivated by the desire to “keep up”, or does this feel destined?
I asked the universe for a sign and received what I felt was a very, very clear one – affirming the timing and the rather spontaneous idea. I was off to the races.

This was my first solo ceremony, my first experience finding my own brew. I had some powdered cactus, the same varietal I had used in Peru, and I had already researched preparations and dosages. So I lay out all my favorite mesa items – objects of power and inspiration – and lit some candles, then I mixed up a big glass of San Pedro goodness.
Goodness? No – thick, putrid, stomach vile-tasting nastiness is more like it. Thankfully, it’s common practice to chase the drink with lemon water, and that helps neutralize the flavor. Plus, Grandfather Huachuma hasn’t got anything on Mother Ayahuasca when it comes to taste. About 30 minutes later, I had downed my targeted amount, and the journey began.

Huachuma is so different from Aya. Where the latter is like an axe wielding maniac sometimes, diving into my consciousness with a brute force I couldn’t dream of combating, the former is more like an uber-intense electrical current, but one you actually have to reach out and touch. He pulses with every aspect of life, and within him swirls every secret, and every bit of knowledge. But he makes you work for it. He asks that you come to him – with reverence and sincerity, curiosity and surrender.

The night unfolded elegantly. I walked around a lot, asking questions on the insides, finding more of myself. And at other times, I lay curled up by the fireplace, transfixed on the flame licks, and on the movement of the mesa. I was shown the backside of my fears, revealed to be empty. Like a theater curtain hiding a stage that sounds like it’s bustling with activity, but in fact doesn’t contain a soul. Yes, of course. My fears are all self-made, and non-existent at that. There’s nothing behind them to make them tangible or real. I loved this reveal. And so many more.

He basically kept guiding me through different layers of life and divinity. I felt humbled and cocooned, but also confused and amateurish. I sat at the mesa absolutely awestruck by the tools I had before me, but without the knowledge of how to really use them. I felt a calling to find a local huachumero and huachumera – someone who can show me how to work with these energies, rather than just fumbling blindly in the dark by myself. I trust the teacher will find me when the timing is right. And it’s not as if I didn’t learn an immense volume of tricks and gifts – I just know my training will be accelerated when I find a true master.

The entire evening, my main experience was safety. A sense of cocooned protection so real it had a taste to it – rather like soil and feathers, cotton and rosemary. He showed me the highest way to work with his energies – outside, in daylight. Do regular journeys in this fashion, and then the occasional nighttime journey when I had the need to integrate. He showed me how on Huachuma, I’m able to see things as they really are – there’s nothing magical in his visions, only the removal of our conscious barrier. The veil that normally sweeps across my mind’s eye is dissolved by San Pedro, and with practice and concentration, I can make this a permanent experience.

And that’s when it hit me. Why the alternate name for Huachuma is San Pedro. I translated this in my head – Saint Peter. Who is Saint Peter? The man who greets us at the gates of heaven.
Aw yes, the one who will lead me to enlightenment.
It all just. . .clicked. This was *my* path – at least in the given moment. I allowed for the chance to drop shamanism from my experience at any time, but also owned the rightness of our current connection. Perfection. I glowed for hours.

And yet, there was a single distortion – I knew down deep I hadn’t been totally honest with myself, or San Pedro. I had taken this journey out of fear, in a way – not wanting to miss out on my chance to go deep, just like Orion. I confessed this to San Pedro, and he held no judgment. Just warmth. He acknowledged this truth, and said he’d take me however I came to him. That my reverence was no less diminished, but if I wanted to, I could heal that part of me. The small child, the little girl who didn’t want to be left behind. The critic who always tells me I’m never doing enough.

I didn’t go as deep into that healing as I know I will with Ayahuasca, but it opened, and some revelations came through. Seedlings. It won’t be long now.

Yet this distortion still had some spike left to it. When Orion came home, things started out beautifully. We shared our stories, and I basked in the glow of his magnificent experience. We were so happy for ourselves and each other, heart-spaced, clear, open – all good things.

Until an odd little chat on the bed turned into a painful shift – all because I wouldn’t fess up. I didn’t admit to being out of integrity in my motivation (although that’s not what the conversation was about, that was the underlying unconscious out-of-whack energy), and therefore lost my grip on my clarity all together. It was a subtle slip, but Orion saw through it in an instant. He called me out and I denied it. And that caused a riff that would unravel, rather magically, in the next 48 hours.

As Pranananda says, intent is 90% of the game. Since mine was about 20% laden in a lie, the repercussions were waiting. And I loved every one.

No, it’s not just you – the blog has been on hiatus and unaccessible.  I made a few changes (new WordPress installation so that I may be omnipotent) but have been woeful about getting it back up to speed.  Apologies for the absence.  Not like it’s been too much of a depravation.  Right?  Don’t answer that.  

Hi there.  

I re-connected the other day with a wild child I met in the jungle on both my first and second trips to the Amazon.  He’s completely immersed in the plants now, and graciously invited Orion and I to visit him in Florida for Huachuma ceremonies.  I am so ready to deepen my relationship with San Pedro.  Ayahuasca herself has revealed my affinity for the grandfather wisdom, and I see myself facilitating ceremonies with the brew in the very near future.  The neurons are firing over the possibilities.  I am ecstatic at the future Ayahuasca adventures.  Today is the kind of day where I can’t stop saying thank you for the chance to go so far beyond my ego with the beautiful ancient practices.  I can feel in my bones the excitement I have to look forward to.  A golden thread in a sea of invisible tethers – I will be liberated.

More, soon – when things are back in digital order.  Until then, may all your moments be enlightening.

“When shall I be free?
When I shall cease to be.
No more I, but we…
In perfect harmony.”

- Shpongle

An open letter to my spirit mother

I will be with you again tomorrow night. Our nineteenth dance, followed by the twentieth. There’s a corner in there. I am turning already.

I bring to you all of me – not just the select bits I’ve offered up in the past. It’s effortless with the painful parts – those are always the things I ask you to heal.
Migraines.
Asthma.
Self-hatred.
Fear of death.
Broken familial relationships.
Drug and alcohol addiction.
Severe depression and erratic mood swings.

You’ve taken them all and flicked them off me like lint. I should say we. This is a group effort. You, Don Rober, Howard, The Duo, myself – along with everyone I’ve shared the space with and everyone who’s cheered me on. There is no such thing as alone, in the quest for healing, or elsewhere.

This time, I’d like to bring you the things I don’t want to heal. Odd, that. But they are attachments, or at least, they represent the possibility of such, and I want no such thing. Yet the small “I”, the frightened little ego-self, she’s rather fond of life’s tapestries these days. She eyes them with a ferocious, protective stare, daring the world to place a paw on these prizes.
My heart, however, invites you into these sacred spaces. We humbly request that you snip away the curled claws, like tiny strings wrapped around a Christmas gift. It is understood that unless I can offer up my dearest treasures, I will eventually create the loss of them. And I will never reach the place of self-realization. There is no room for the divine in a being who builds walls and limitations. Mine have all been bulldozed. I’m letting the light in.

I give to you, then, all that I have amassed in this dream Vegas life. You brought me here, remember? I had no idea what I was doing, vetting off to the desert for a vision quest. But you showed me the old ways, how they ceased to serve me. You gave me the fire and strength and clarity to walk away from my perceived security, and into the gloriously dark unknown. For me, that meant leaving absolutely everything familiar. 13 years of my Hollywood life. Friends and libations and special watering holes and roads I knew how to navigate with my eyes sewn shut.

It wasn’t an easy transition. The loneliness I confronted felt crippling at first, but you were always there. You would pick me up and lead me to the alter when the breakdowns left me paralyzed. You would flash within me a glowing orb of bliss when I would swear I had fallen back into the abyss. You gently reminded me that everything was perfect, in all ways, and showed me how I had the resources to create everything I dreamt of.

Now. . .Now. Now is so beautiful. That I should know a fuller experience of Now is the first immense blessing. More of that, please – this incredible awareness. This willingness to see *everything* that is revealed.
And all these things I have in my reality – all these things I have sourced the power to dream into the waking life -
I give them to you. All of them. They are not mine to own.

The little house I bought in an impulsive rush – I don’t need it. I don’t even live there anymore.
The three cats I sometimes think I’d die without – they’re foolish, those thoughts I have. I willingly release these cherished beings to you, whenever they are called. I do not wish to keep them here for selfish reasons.
The magnificent job I enjoy so much, in the most entertaining industry. This office full of people my heart just adores. I will walk away in a heartbeat, the moment I hear the calling. Or I will stay for a lifetime, despite my ego’s judgments or protests. Whatever it is that defines my highest good – I accept.
The car, the clothes, the mansion I am living in, the endless list of stuff that has recently amassed – take it. Really. It’s yours, should I need to let it go. I have no claim to any of it.

And here are the big guns. I’m crying now, because of the profundity. Because of the sincerity. I don’t *want* to lose any of this, mind you, but I know you understand the sentiment. I have learned, as one Teacher says, to offer up my bliss like a string of pearls, and throw them onto the alter.
Well, here they are. That which I love the most.

The closeness I have with Mom these days – how amazing it is to have her just 90 miles away. The way in which we support each other, in all vibrations and spaces. I will sacrifice that, too, if you tell me that is Right.
The Guru, The Teacher, The Enlightened Friend – all those who have achieved that which I hold in the highest — if I never see them again, I won’t resist. I will just say thank you, in every conscious moment, for having them in my life at all. For everything they have gifted me.
The Best Friends – and God, is this an impressive list. LA angels I have left behind in the physical, but certainly not in the emotional / spiritual. And the Vegas souls that leave me awestruck and humbled. I have forged bonds here that should have taken years and more to solidify, but because of you, Ayahuasca, my heart just opens, and we just *are*. So incredibly close. But I would give them all up should the Universe request it. Not without a rainstorm, mind you, but the willingness is no less sincere.
Hijo. The stepson I have recently offered up my heart to. The beautiful being that has accepted, and given his in return. My newest teacher. The bond I never ever thought I’d actually know. Walking away would be staggeringly difficult, Aya, you know this. You showed me my maternal self, after all. But I know how fragile and fleeting every moment is. I know it may serve us both to separate, in an instant. Should that transpire, I will obey. You have my word.
And yes, there is Orion. He is Love. Responsible for helping me to know more joy, more ecstatic, unified oneness than any other being I have shared my true self with – my true and present Partner. What don’t we share? It’s endless, and yet, we really are ok with an ending. Whatever awaits, we welcome it. I will not lie to you, I choke on the idea sometimes, I feel breathless at the maybe loss of him, but it’s all because of my willingness. This surrender, she is a floodgate for me. Because I’m actually tapping into what love is. Loving myself enough to honor what is best for all, in every moment. This is not ownership, or possession, or a fearful lockdown. I am grateful for every moment of our togetherness. I am present with this Love. Whatever the future holds, I am thrilled to welcome it.

So, thank you, so much, for the infinite transformations you have already gifted me with. You are patient when I need it, strong and defiant when I won’t back down, and always, always loving and protective. Just like a mother. I love the part of me you represent. It’s the highest self I have access to. I will never stop giving you gratitude.

See you tomorrow, my lady. I’ll be the one with the open arms, full to the brim with offerings. Take whatever you see fit. I will love you all the more.

Ready and willing,
me

Two days from now, I will be falling back into the cosmic, healing embrace of Mother Ayahuasca. I am no stranger to shamanic journeys, to soirees with the helper plants, and yet, I’m back into the space of knowing next to nothing. There’s a clean slate glowing behind my mind’s eye, and it’s waiting for just a few dribbles of clarity. A sense of knowing sourced straight from my heart, not filling up the head that thinks she’s full, but is perpetually empty.

I can now say, unequivocally, that I’ve devoted my life to the ultimate ego-shed. 2 1/2 years ago, when Z and I met, I first learned what enlightenment met – the beginning of the unfolding. He was on the quest, clearly, and I found it so fascinating. I placed a pedestal beneath those who sought the same, and especially those who had already reached the pinnacle. And I thrust myself so far below, I didn’t even hold the possibility for myself.

It was the combination of Ayahuasca and Huachuma / San Pedro that gave me my most treasured awakening. I remember sitting on top of El Brujo – the life-giving, feminine powered pyramid – gazing out across the magnificent landscape. Inside my head, the dialogue between higher-self and ego ensued. The spirits had cornered me – asking why it is that I thought enlightenment was not possible for me. The questions unfolded with gentle intensity, and my arguments kept breaking down.
Then it came to me. Like a flash of blue light from a far away lighthouse. My ego had led me to believe it couldn’t happen to me, because, of course, it would mean the death of her. But as I came to realize that I am not my perceived identity – that I am, in fact, all aspects of God – there was no other logical conclusion. I, too, can self-realize.

In that same ceremony, I found myself tracing the footsteps of prisoners from 3,000 years before. They had walked within El Brujo’s life-taking pyramid, where I now traipsed – the last moments of their lives. I tried to reconcile how we humans take our own lives, again and again. It’s always suicide, no matter who kills who. And why? Why this deadly dance? Why haven’t we learned a bloody thing in all these thousands of years?

Because so many of us believe in the illusion. This became so clear to me. We believe in the identities built within our egos. That we are our nations, our families, the definitions we hold about who we are and what we do and why we do it. And what we BELIEVE in – our favorite attachments.
That’s all poppycock. We are none of those things. We are ALL of those things, yes, but they aren’t what defines us. What defines, really – if you had to boil us all down into one collective ingredient – it would be love. The great white light. The only real thing that lives inside us. And the very thing our egos work so immensely hard to keep us from.
Why? Because the ego can’t control love. When we own this divinity, all that perceived control just washes away.

Now that’s a dream I will never stop spinning inside this radiant reality.

This weekend, I’m blessed to be back inside the circle that feels most familiar to me – Ayahuasca. Shamanism. In my current home, with my friends and loved ones. Purging out the painful parts of ourselves, so that our love and light can surface, and become all that we know.

Last time, I let my ego run the show. I let her battle for supremacy, trying so hard to dictate what would and would not happen in these ceremonies. Where we would and would not go. What we would and would not feel. In the end, I faced the most painful, miserable, soul-ripping night of my life. Dark night of the soul indeed. All because I wanted it my way. And what a shitty way THAT is.

This time – THIS time. . .
I am raw and humbled, slack-jawed and limp. I am my heart. I will walk up to the alter on Saturday night to take my next dose, and I will do so without walls and agendas. With trust and faith that Ayahuasca and the higher realms will lead me right where I need to be. None of this bargaining crap I tried before. I will just be. And wherever I am taken, I will go with willingness and reverence. I will love my way through every presented experience. And if I’m able to drop any or all pieces of my ego, all the better. Whoever she thinks I am, I know I am not.

No more illusion. I’m ready to see – and be – nothing but light.

“Enlightenment is not imagining
figures of light but making
the darkness conscious.”
Carl Gustav Jung

After powering through the absolutely worst, most nightmarish 90 minutes of my life so far, I found the trip back to the ceremonial circle to be pure bliss. I walked from the tiny bathroom to my spot in the space with a poundy little purpose – excited to feel such a tremendous release from my terror. I had recognized so much in those purging minutes – how much I hold myself small. How much I torture myself for not living up to my insanely high expectations. And what a glorious, powerful being I really am.

The shaman started pounding on his luscious tribal drum, and my entire being surged with alive-ness. I shimmied and swayed, allowing the intense energies to flow throw me now – no longer locked down in resistance. I had released the need to make the night’s events look the way I wanted them to look, and instead left it up to divinity. No more fighting and resistance. And as such, my pot of gold awaited.

After a stretch of silence, The Duo (shaman and attendant) started up another round of magnificent music. D1 honored an out-loud request I had made to Orion before the ceremony – he sat down at Lucy, my upright piano, and played what has to be the most gorgeous melodies I’ve ever heard her coo. Hearing this symphony, I literally felt my heart crack open. Light poured in and out of my chakras, and my chest rose up toward the sky, my arms outstretched and falling to my sides. I was a puppet being pulled into the cosmos, and as I felt my body rise and fall without my conscious effort, I also became keenly aware of the tidal wave.
Tears. So. Many. Tears. They burst forth down my face in a flood of release, and the observer in me smiled at the poetry. Yes, I sobbed – fiercely at times, shakes ripping through my fame – but I felt so joyful to let all this go. I didn’t have stories attached to the tears, just a very clear knowing that I was being cleansed. That I was being prepared for the next chapter of my existence. And it wouldn’t involve hiding, pretending to be powerless, or any sort of easy road.

I accepted these messages with open arms. Ayahuasca confused me, however – she kept calling me a mother. Over and over again, she showed me the parts of me that are nurturing and maternal. Children appeared from all sides and all ages, with beaming faces full of trust and admiration and love. I took this to mean I would be a symbolic mother for children in the world, and could certainly accept that.
I didn’t know how much this mother-vision would mean, in just two short weeks. Ah, the symmetry.

The night played out in between the magical shaman-songs – I would process the beautiful lessons a particular piece brought forth in the silence, then feel my emotional being cracked open again when a new song would start. I felt the whole range of emotions, all the while shaking with the energetic flow. But my observer-self, the elevated, blissful being – she just radiated her appreciation for the night. Even for the agony. Especially for the agony. And she is the one I connected with the most – the one who encapsulated the “I” within me most prominently. Which is right where I love to be – in the highest self I can access.

As the night hit the 2/3s mark, I rolled over to my side for a breather, and saw Orion facing me, laying in the same fashion. I could see his gorgeous smile, and it filled me up with an incredible sense of love. I reached out for his hand, and he reciprocated with a tight, glorious grip. We stayed that way for some time, staring and beaming and feeling and connectting. I felt his energies merge with mine, and before I could get lost of the beauty of it, Ayahuasca stepped in with a message.
Detach, she told me.
Hold on to him, love him with all that you are, but don’t let it define you. Be ready to lose him. Be willing to lay down this bliss.

I processed this for some time. I thought about what it would be like if he left me tomorrow – if our journey found an abrupt end. I connected with the sadness of this possibility – the inevitable emotion – but it did not feel overwhelming. What I was most conscious of was an incredible gratefulness – for having known him at all. For receiving such a tangible glimpse of what a truly connected, truly devoted relationship could be.
I acknowledged the ways in which I was attached, and started letting each thread release and float away. And just as I did, Orion released his grip, smiled, and rolled his face to the other side of the room.
Perfect. Timing.
And we would discover the next morning that just as I was processing the lesson of detachment, he was too. Landing at the same conclusions – how fortunate we are, how fragile it all is, and how crucial it was to remain grateful and detached.
We listened. That much has been beautifully apparent in the days after this amazing epiphany.

The night ended quietly. The shaman repeated the previous evening’s ritual by lighting a candle and inviting us to sit around and discuss the events. This time around, I felt alert and alive – the previous ceremony had left me speechless and dizzy, still in too deep at the end to find any way to communicate or become truly in the room. This night, I was there – glowing, feeling, basking. I listened, contributed a bit here and there, and connected with all of my fellow travelers. ET and I had an especially magical bond – I saw him rocking and holding himself, very much where I had been the previous evening, and I obeyed the urge to envelope him in a tight embrace.

Welcome to college, he told me.
And I knew what he referenced. We had done previous ceremonies together, he and I, and as amazing and powerful as they were, they felt like grade school. We had graduated, together. And this just felt unspeakably precious.

Orion and I made our way to bed at some point, still a bit discombobulated and goofy. The night was spent in fitful bursts of sleep, embraces, and beautifully connected pillow talk.
What started as the worst of times did indeed become the best of times.

And today – today I am facing down the next two ceremonies, just 19 days away. What will come next is an examination of where I’m at with the aftermath, and the looming opportunity to dive back in. There’s a lot to accomplish and feel between now and then. I’ll be here to do just that, in preparation. And as an homage to all of you who share in this ascension.

Certain these clouds go somewhere . . .

“So I know it’s just a spring haze
But I don’t much like the look of it
And all we do is circle it
And I found out where my edge is
And it bleeds into where you resist
And my only way, way out is to go
So far in”
- TAmos

The day between ceremony 17 and 18, in retrospect, felt like the ending / beginning of Gaspar Noe’s emotional onslaught film “Irreversible”. Full of sweet innocence, naps in a sunshine drenched park, organic eats with radiant beings. We all quietly frolicked in our aftermaths, some of us touting a few battle scars, but with excited grins, rather than winces and complaints. A beautiful, perfect, serene handful of hours – save a couple of dark side waves.

After only a couple hours of sleep, Orion and I still had a quiet energy, a strong resolve, to float through our happy post-hours. His experience was fun, but not as deep as he had hoped — mine was devastatingly deep, and I just felt relieved to be back in the default zone. Tasting my illusion of control, but content with its falsities. I needed a time out, a little softness. He provided as much with his sweet kisses and coos and love-laden words. I didn’t want to leave the safety of his arms, but I felt the attachment to this state and instead chose to face the day.

It seemed like just minutes had passed, and suddenly, we were moments away from the next ceremony. I felt within a blend of tidal waves – surge after surge of emotion I had never, ever felt prior to an Ayahuasca ceremony before – apprehension. Dare I say fear. Resistance to whatever she had to teach me. The night before had kicked my ass, and the higher parts of myself knew it hadn’t been enough. I hadn’t popped, hadn’t been cracked open, and I felt a little terror considering how hard she’d have to come at me in order for the lesson to be heard.

And yet, I wanted to drink more than anything. I trusted her with every quivering thread of my being.

We drank in the same fashion as the night before – faster this time, as two people had bowed out. I missed Sage – he had been near me in night one, but had to jet to a family function that day. The last five ceremonies had featured his strong, driven presence, and there was a noticeable void. In my state, those are the energies I noticed most.

It took only thirty or so minutes before the medicine had me in her clutches. My mind lurched into turbo mode, hell bent on taking the wheel. Normally, I would have laughed at my ego’s attempts, but this night – this night, I was her. I wanted what she wanted. To have an easy night, to not go too deep, to stay in the room and help and stay far, far away from my demons. Hadn’t I suffered enough the night before? Couldn’t I just take it easy, just this one night?

The more I fought and pleaded, the more she wrestled and assaulted me. I felt my worst nightmare starting to brew – intensity like I have never, ever known – wretched images of fractal demons and grotesque creatures – god-awful energies coursing through my pores, making me twitch and wretch and breathe sporadically – and most notably, the sounds: screeching sirens, pulsing groans, and the most evil, blood-boiling cacophony. Like Satan’s favorite video game, a soundtrack to a snuff film – these were the noises that I couldn’t escape. I’d slam my hands over my ears and the ebb would swell with a snickering eruption. I had been sucked into the underworld.

Parts of my Knowingness kept speaking from the abyss. It’s ok, she told me – this is all self-created, there is nothing to fear. You can surrender into this terror and find your bliss. Just relax, sweet girl, just breathe. You are safe. You are love.

But she was a liar. I could barely breathe anymore, the darkness had me consumed. Every one of my senses felt annihilated by death and fear and an imminent destruction. I asked myself – what is it that you’re so afraid of?
It wasn’t dying. It wasn’t any sort of physical harm. At that moment, I was afraid of losing myself. Ironic, as that’s precisely what I had asked for.

Sixty minutes in, and I was near the breaking point. Eighteen ceremonies, I thought to myself, and yet here I was – a fucking novice about to lose complete control. Anger spilled out of me as I twitched and jerked my body around, trying to fling off this nightmarish energy, trying to make this fucking go away already. I hated this experience more than I had ever hated anything. Anyone. It HAD to stop. This was too much, even for me. Even for the big-mouthed shaman-wanna-be who talked her gigantic game. I had reached my limit.

I slammed my head back against the wall behind me and contemplated my options. The most probable felt like complete insanity – I thought this might just be the point at which I experienced my psychotic break. Images of bolting up in a raging explosion, screaming at them all to make this stop, telling the whole damn world how horrible this made me feel appeared in rapid succession. I didn’t want to expose myself though, to frighten my beloved travelers, but I couldn’t cage this. I couldn’t contain this terror any longer.
Another option – I could ask for help. Something I had never attempted in all my shamanic journeys. This was not my way. I shouldered things for others, and handled my own shit without incident. I am not the girl who needs a hand. Am not. Ever.
Well, maybe now I am. What would that look like? I tried pondering this as another wave of desperate darkness simmered up inside me. This was the last one I could take. Self-destruction felt like such a real possibility, I clung to the tiny spec of intelligent light that glowed within, and prepared to do the unthinkable.

To be continued . . .