I have no business blogging right now.  I’m riding on very little sleep, working insane hours to get a product launched (ZuCamp, if you care to spy), and I have a glass of bubbly in me, so I’m saucy. Indeed.  It’s a little insane how much I’ve taking on lately – June is shaping up to be Crazy and Mad As Hell month.  That’s a grand set of circumstances to test my surrender abilities, and all this “it’s not real, remember who you are” revelations. Yummy.  BRING IT.

Next week, after another Earth Medicine Apprentice weekend, I’m headed to LA with Orion.  Our visit has many reasons, but at the heart of it all, we are going to see his brother Zen.  Zen is deeply immersed in round 3 of lymphoma.  He first contracted the disease at age 19.  He thought he beat it, but it came back a few years later, at the prime of his newfound adult freedom, and it really kicked his ass.  He subsequently developed various drug addictions, and hit that dreaded downward spiral.  Somehow he rebounded, found a fantastic wife, beat the cancer yet again, and settled in for the rest of his life.  Then a month or two back, the cancer returned – more vicious than ever.  It almost took him from us in the early onset – white blood cells tanked, body temp skyrocketed – a death recipe if ever there was one.  But Zen is a fighter, clearly, and he came through again.  Thanks in part to all the incredible healers and prayer-minded powerhouses we employed to get him through.

Zen is currently receiving chemo directly into his spine.  He’s in crazy pain, hazed by all the medication and madness, and really dying to *heal*.  He wants to live, he’s willing to look at why he manifested this illness to begin with, and as such, I have stepped in to help in any way I can as well.  I can’t tell you what this means to me.  I haven’t even met Zen yet – we’ll do the honors next week.  But I have connected with him – deeply, profoundly, infinitely.  He’s Orion’s brother, for Divinity’s sake – it doesn’t get more sacred to me.  Zen allowed me to do some shamanic journeying work for him, and it took me just a few minutes of deep meditation to find his spirit animal and his cosmic energies.  I burst into tears at the meeting actually, because I felt him so profoundly, and I just loved the being I discovered.  Zen is a Libra, to the core, and they, along with Aquarians, are my absolutely favorites.  I saw Zen at age 18, before he ever knew that cancer would be his demon.  He was so devilish and sweet, so vibrant and funny and just balls-out nutty.  And as I meditated with Wolf, his power animal, and this image of Zen, I felt those parts of him that had never changed.  The awareness that still oozed mischief and playfulness.  In those moments, I knew that he could beat this, if he wanted to.  And I promised to do everything I could to help him get there.

Up until these moments, I have been shy about any healing abilities I may or may not have.  Hell, I still am.  I lay no claims to super powers.  I only know I’m a vessel, and that I *want* to be of service in this way.  It seems that’s all it really takes – declare to the universe that you’d like to help heal, and you will find a way to make it so, if your sincerity is unbreakable.  Ever since I was a child, I wanted to help.  At first, it was to be as a psychiatrist, then a neurologist.  Eventually, I gave up to “professional” aspirations and just acknowledged that it was enough to be the friend you could call at 3 AM and spill your guts too.  Later on, as I discovered Ayahuasca, I thought she would only help me heal myself.  But Aya and San Pedro / Huachuma have shown me a different path.  This is my way to service.  Humility, although an absolutely Godly treat, need not be the only focus when one is ready to heal.  I have been hiding behind an “I’m not ready” veil.  But tell that to someone whose hourglass is dribbling down to the last grains of sand.  Zen needs help, and he doesn’t have time for my modesty.  And so I’m so honored to just step it up and say – OK, let’s do this.  Let’s heal.  I don’t do the work anyway.  I just open myself up to be the vessel.  The best healers get the hell out of the way from word one.  That’s my only job, really, and I can do this now.  For Zen, for Orion – for the Greater Good.  Nothing like jumping into the fire, eh?

When I visit Zen next week, I have in mind some radical approaches, should he be willing.  I should say, should I be willing.  I’m still a little freaked out by taking ownership of this, as the stakes. . .couldn’t be higher.  But I keep seeing visions of how I can help Zen help himself, and who am I to hide behind my fear of inadequacy, when someone just wants to live?  I will have employed all my healing partners-in-crime by then, with advice and support beyond measure.  Zen himself wrote me today and said he’s ready for a miracle, that he needs all the super powers Orion and I can muster.  It’s like Aya has been preparing me for such things since the very first sip.  Is anyone ever really ready for such do or die moments?  Likely not.  I’ll do what I have to, with tears of gratitude to boot.

In the middle of all this, I’m also moving into a new home – along with Orion and Hijo.  A marvelous home, with a lush plant-filled back yard and pool.  Orion and I are riding out yet another foreclosure home – this one belonging to my angel ex-boss – we’ll live there until the bank kicks us out.  Then there’s the chiropractor – seeing a new doc (Badger, his actual last name) several times a week to try and fix this years-long wretched pain, and really abnormal spinal curvatures.  It seems like every adjustment stirs up more emotional shit too – like there’s an ocean of things that have been laying dormant inside those disks and nerves, and every crack sends more to the surface.  The Apprenticeship will no doubt be intensely interesting, and this work launch is completely annihilating.  But it’s all so, so glorious.  I have regular moments of staggering clarity.  I’m laughing all the time about the cosmic joke of separation.  I’m feeling immense connections to those I love, those I like, those I dislike – everything everything.  These are amazing times.

I would be lying if I said I was unattached to Zen’s survival, though, and that’s something I’m looking at with a very clear mirror.  Do I want him to live because suddenly I’m involved?  Yes, I suspect that’s part of it – I want to feel like I have some purpose in these spaces, some actual abilities.  That it’s not just my head thinking she’s something something.  Ego is always there, and I see her for what she is.  But I also connected so strongly with how much life this man has left to live.  It doesn’t have to be his time – I know this unequivocally.  He can change his story, with hard work, integrity, and openness.  And what an incredible, immense, beautiful gift that I can carry – the chance to shine a little light.  He has to do the work, not me.  And yet, he is me.  I feel him and I feel our mutual essences.  Zen shows me the parts of me that are both decaying and dying, and dying to live.  These are the money shots in life.  The chances to see the real Truth of what is.  Whatever happens, I know I won’t be looking away.  It’s the kind of challenge I’ve built my life upon.  Heart – stay open, alert, alive.  In those feeling spaces.  I’ll need every tear and every truth I can find.

“Is it real this infusion
Can it heal where others before have failed?
If so then somebody
Shake shake shake me sane
’cause I am inching ever closer to the tip of this scorpion’s tail”

- Tori Amos

Part 1 of the Earth Medicine Weekend Extravaganza #2 outlined the magical safety / wilderness day that led us into day 2 – aka, The Hot Hot Sweat Lodge soiree.   A sweat lodge!  I was so antsy and excited to really *experience* one of these – so primal and ancient and detoxifying.  I had risen super early that morning to meditate and prepare, bringing my four precious plant parts in tow, so that I may not only honor the four winds / directions, but call on them to communicate with me, and lift me up when needed.  I felt all kinds of enforcements around me – therefore I felt no fear, just a quiet, yet very amped, resolve.

The sweat lodge structure is in the back of Teacher’s yard.  It’s a very small, igloo shaped creation, made of criss-crossing sticks.  The shape intentionally resembles a turtle – within this shape, we can and do recreate the womb, so that we may feel safe to heal and release whatever comes up.  About 3 paces outside of the sweat lodge sits the big fire pit.  This required our attention first – we piled in 34 large lava rocks and dozens more pieces of wood, kindling and paper.  As we lit the fire, each of us kept an eager watch on two things – 1) the strength of the fire, so as not to reach any sort of danger zone level and 2) to see the spirit of this particular fire dance into the mix.  Every fire has it’s own spirit, it’s own essence, and we watched to see who would be communing with us.  A fierce, energetic, powerful force?  A more gentle, playful, loving embrace?  Something in between?  Eyes stayed transfixed as the energies grew.

Teacher called the fire department to let them know of our inferno, and we received interesting news – our time may be limited, as the wind gods were expected to start howling in a few hours.  So we stood around the fire and asked it to please not dilly dally – we needed full force flames, and fast, por favor.  Likewise, dear gods that create the billowing gusts, please hold off on said swooshes until after our little ceremony, yes?

To prepare the space, we first had to create a seal.  We took dozens of blankets and tossed them around the turtle stick-mold – blankets on top of blankets on top of blankets.  Then we sealed the bottom edge with rocks, ensuring that absolutely no trace of light could be seen on the inside.  On top of the blankets went a black tarp – for darkness, and to trap in that all-important HEAT. Hallelujah.

Once the lodge was all good to go, we awaited our new friend, Mr. Fire Tender.  Even Teacher had never met this kind soul – he was brand new to the area and had contacted her about participating in sweat lodge ceremonies, as he’s an old pro.  And as luck would have it, we needed a Fire Tender.   He arrived and in an instant, I knew we were in good hands.  A warm, smiley Libra man with an old soul to boot.  Jackpot.  Everything was in place.  The fire’s spirit was a docile yet spunky one, and he had infused the lava rocks with loads of healing heat.  Knowing it was Time, we opened with a prayer, followed the path into inside of the sweat lodge, and began the next phase of our ceremony.

Round 1 honored the spirits of the South – the playful, intuitive, happy parts of ourselves.  We’d start it off on a festive note.  Fire Tender brought in 7 hot lava rocks and rested them in the small pit in the center of the lodge.  The tiny space got instantly toasty with just one rock – by the time all 7 were in place, I was already coated in moisture.  All of us got out our South plant spirit helpers, and Teacher opened the Round with a lovely prayer / song.  Then, one by one, we went around and offered our own individual prayers.  We were free to cry, sing, giggle, talk – whatever was moving through us.  We remembered, too, the experience we had with our South spirit plant the day before, and much of that came rolling through the lodge as well.  I went third, so grateful to the other beautiful folks who got the party started, and I just went for it.  By this time, I was already feeling the effects of the heat, and so incredibly comforted by the immense darkness.  I spoke outloud to my higher self, and thanked my inner child for leading me to such bliss.  I let the happy tears flow, and expressed the immense gratitude that bubbled up and out of every pore.  Then I sang “I am so blessed, I am so grateful” for a few rounds, tossed my South spirit plant into the fire, and felt my heart rip wide open.

The round lasted somewhere around 30 minutes, and once we had all said our peace, Teacher asked for FT to open the door.  The cool air felt freaking fantastic.  We were all absolutely drenched, but crazy exhilarated.  I already felt like a shinier version of myself.  Yes, the heat was intense.  Yes, I had a little dialogue inside that worried we wouldn’t be able to take four rounds – I mean, what if we couldn’t breathe?  What if we had to ask to get out early?  I knew the rules around such things – Teacher asked that we express what our needs were before going for the door.  To ask for help from all that were there to assist – human and spirit – before succumbing to the egoic desire to get the hell out.  I loved the idea of this process.  I knew that naming my fears instantly deflated them, and that was empowering.  So really, there was no fret running through me.  Three more rounds?  Bring it.

Round 2 honored the West – our warrior spirits.  We fished out the West plants from the day before, and started this round in a much different fashion.  Teacher had handed out lyrics to an amazing Ayahuasca song called “All is Welcome Here”, and we sang that to call in the right energies – right after 7 more rocks were added to the lodge.  As the door was sealed and the process began, I was immediately pounded with an entirely different energy.  Shit was this intense.  I clutched my warrior plant and begged, internally, for assistance.  I wasn’t sure I could last 5 minutes in this heat, but I focused on one breath at a time.  Teacher told us, after the opening prayer, to speak and cry and emote whenever we felt the urge.  There were no turns in this round – a free for all, and a really powerful one at that.  I cried a bit, and wailed a little, but mostly, I just spoke to all that was.  I marveled at how amazing it felt to just feel, without abandon.  To let everything come up and out and just be.  I struggled a lot, almost asking for the door a time or two, but I kept asking my body how she was, and she kept saying – I’m perfect.  Keep going.  And the room, wow was it bursting with power.  We all groaned and moaned and let these deep demons release out of us.  So beautiful and therapeutic. And then my most favorite revelation of the day come flooding through – as I called on the spirits to give me strength to make it through this, I felt my chest thrust out and my arms open wide.  ”A true warrior is undefended,” a voice whispered to me.  I sat awestruck by this thought.  Of course, yes – there is nothing to defend.  NOTHING to defend.  Against what was I defending?  LIfe?  I allowed my arms to remain outstretched and kept imagining my heart, completely exposed, seething in the oneness.  Then Teacher called for the door, and I collapsed at the opening, breathing in the cool and delicious air.

Are you altered?  She asked me.  I giggled and yelled YES, thank you!  I felt more normal than the regular waking spaces usually provided – unbridled, totally taken care of, deep into my true essence.  Wow.  We were all awestruck by the energy that was exploding in that space, and a couple of us exited the lodge to get some water, breathe, and grin like idiots.

Round 3 was for the spirits of the North – our elders.  Our ancient selves.  We had FT bring in 7 more rocks, and Teacher opened with another beautiful prayer / song.  Whereas the last round was full of intensity, this one felt more like a warm hug – soft, soothing, intensely quiet.  My posture was totally different too – I was literally falling into myself.  My chin buried into my chest, hair dancing around in sweat-soaked threads, arms embracing my legs.  I felt like an old child.  Strong.  Wise.  Calm.  The rest of my companions seemed to mirror this energy.  We did a free for all again with the prayers and emotions – but this time it was spoken, and not wailed.  We felt revelations coming in left and right – all these ancient gifts.  Breathing was easier, despite the increased heat.  One of the other apprentices echoed what I was thinking to myself – “I could stay here forever.”  At some point, we sacrificed our North plant pieces, and agreed it was time to move on.  The door opened, and we enjoyed fluids and cool breezes.  About 10 minutes later, the last round began.

The final direction honored was the East – our connection to spirit.  We all had this “go big or go home” energy about us, wanting to take full advantage of our last opportunity.  We invited FT to join us, after adding 7 more rocks (!), and it was marvelous to have his additional masculine wisdom.  He sang a song to open us up, and I just reveled in this incredible, altered, beautiful state.  I took huge, deep, gulping breaths of the sweat-laden air, soaking in the tobacco smells.  I had no tears this time, just a very full chest / heart, and more of that immense gratitude for yet another glorious adventure.  I could feel the toxins escaping every pore.  I could feel spirits literally lifting me up – clearing away the dark energies from my heart.  I remembered my best lesson for the day, over and over, saying to myself “I am an undefended warrior.”  I said very little except this – but that said plenty.  So happy.  So grateful.

And then it was over.  The door opened for the last time, and I piled out to lay in the dirt next to another apprentice, and relish the grounding gifts of Mother Earth.  We didn’t say much, the five of us. for the few minutes after the ceremony.  One of us, the Super Woman amongst us, jumped up to tend to the fire – put out the flames and secure the area.  The winds started picking up just as she did so, and I sent out a big thank you to them for waiting until we had completed our task.  Everything was in flow – so perfect.  So precious.

Once we all regained our strength, we enjoyed an incredible ceremonial meal, cooked by Teacher.  We each blessed a different dish – I got to bless the berries.  We ate the awesome food and positively beamed – all of us.  Such hard work, but such sacred work at that.  I knew I had a long drive ahead of me – 5 hours to Phoenix, where Orion would be waiting, and 5 more hours from there.  The ride home would be magnificent.  I knew that already.  But nothing would top this ceremony + meal for sometime.

And now – now I am cleansed, connected, and peaceful.  And looking to connect with locals who do Sweat Lodge ceremonies, as this was something I’d love to repeat.  Again and again.

Last week, I shared a little story about Sandra Ingerman, our bizarre 2-degrees-away connection, and the resulting openings I’ve had using her Shamanic Meditations CDs.  This week, I have another treat to share that is gifted to us from Ms. Ingerman – an extraordinarily special book that somehow articulates why it is shamanism means to much to me, and bazillions of others.

Awakening to the Spirit World is a sizable text co-authored by Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman (author of another one of my favorites, Medicinemaker).  The words within unfold so many layers of wisdom and intrigue, it’s hard to condense it down, but I’ll gather a few favorites and perhaps entice you to read more.  Firstly, Awakening reminds us why it is shamanism is so precious to so many, and sheds light on how what is literally the oldest spiritual practice known to humankind still not only exists, but is once again flourishing.  Speaking for myself, it is in part this long, illustrious and trusted history that at first anchored me into a shamanic awareness.  When you gift yourself the opportunity to take part in rituals that are almost as old as the human race, there’s a primal awakening the spirit takes on – a deep-rooted awareness of a timeless connection to both humanness and spirituality.  Ingerman and Wesselman ignite this mystique, this glorious intoxication, and then dive into some of the various rituals.  They invite us to create such ceremonies in our every day lives, utilizing our instincts as a guide that say how and when and where.  The invitation to take the ancient into the present has a timeless appeal – merging old and new in one fell swoop, reminding us of the construct that time is, and taking us back into the essence of who we really are.

Nature is also exposed with love and integrity in Awakening, as the authors do a magnificent job of describing the Mother’s role in our spiritual journey.  With words that are both mystifying and tangible, the connection of human to nature to spirit world is artfully defined.  Nature is displayed as a mirror for our paths – a direct reflection of our states of being.  We begin to learn how even the most mundane, stagnant items hold divination to those who know what to look for.  And we’re also shown how to use the elements to receive advice and guidance in our lives.

Ingerman and Wesselman seem to leave no stone uncovered as they discuss the myriad benefits a conscious shamanistic path can offer.  The connection between our creative selves is also unraveled, and how this relates to our spiritual ascension, and once again connects us to the Earth.  The immense significance of dreams is also demystified, with special attention shown to the visions gifted from the subconscious realms.  My favorite part of the book, however, are the chapters on death and dying.  Shamanism uses the duality of our primary reality to help us transcend beyond what is seen, and in no way is that more magically apparent then in the cycle of birth and death.  Awakening offers a shamanic perspective on what death really is, and of course, is not.  They discuss the ancient art of psychopomp – or a shaman’s ability to communicate with the dead, in order to bring back messages to the living.  And the chapter “Experiential Work with Death and Dying” is exactly what it sounds like – a chance to *experience* a bit more of the death process, and start *feeling* the opportunity it holds for us to awaken to what is, rather than believe what our fears are desperately trying to communicate.

I loved Awakening to the Spirit World for its practical, logical *and* mystical teachings.  Our world is crawling with self-help proclamations – every week, there’s a another new age way to wake up and live better.  Yet there’s something so deliciously real about taking on a spiritual practice that is almost as old as people are.  Something that outlasts religion, and stays true to the core of spirituality.  Shamanism offers a foundation for ascension, with rituals and ceremonies that help one feel connected to the whole, and yet it also absolutely insists on finding one’s own path.  Any shaman will tell you – there is no “one” way to awaken.  There is only *your* way. Awakening to the Spirit World gifts the reader with a chance to more clearly define their own path into the great unknown.  The ancient wisdom within is shared not so that you may take Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman’s word, but so you can apply it to your unique path, and actually experience the profound magic of a shamanic awakening.  I highly recommend taking this written word journey, and seeing how it transforms you too.

Sometimes, the trail I follow to find the next golden door is so wrought with coincidence (as if there is such a thing) and magic, it leaves me awed – despite my many experiences with this gorgeous unfolding.  Sandra Ingerman is one of the latest revelations.

About a month ago, I began the quest to find my next shamanic teacher.  Following a tip from guru Pranananada, I started out by contacting a new friend in Sedona, AZ.  I had met her during the shamanic weekend in Vegas, the class I took from the Foundation for Shamanic Studies.  I asked her if she had any teachers should could recommend, and she mentioned one in particular that had worked with one Sandra Ingerman – a name I had never heard before.  The very next day, an email landed from Sounds True, a publishing company out of Boulder ,CO – they wondered if perhaps I’d be willing to review a new book and CD set, rooted in shamanism, written in part by. . .wait for it. . .Sandra Ingerman.  I researched Ms. Ingerman and was absolutely delighted at what I found – she’s both a therapist and shamanic practitioner with incredible experience, compassion, and skills – a renowned healer and author of books like Shamanic Journeying, Soul Retrieval, and Medicine for the Earth. After combing through her fantastic website, I also discovered she’s done us all a gigantic service – she’s listed out all the known shamanic teachers in states across the country.  I used this as my foundation for the teacher-hunt, and within about 3 days, I found exactly who I had been looking for.  This has resulted in the Earth Medicine Apprenticeship – and I’m just spilling over with gratitude.

Shamanic Meditations is a two-CD set audio delight, filled with cosmic journeys led by Sandra.  Each journey consists of Sandra’s calm, warm, motherly voice, guiding you through a very specific, eyes-closed experience.  The shamans were some of the first meditators, but they do so with a strong purpose.  This is not zen, no-mind meditation, although you do go way beyond the mind.  Shamanic meditations (or journeys) each encompass a single purpose, set by the journeyer before the dive into the experience.  The journeyer may visit the lower world (where the spirit animals tend to reside), the middle world (the place we travel to to overcome fears), or the upper world (home to other human spirit guides and teachers).  Each is normally accompanied by a strong, consistent tribal drum beat, which allows the mind to let go into the trance of the music.  Sandra’s journeys have an incredible drumming undertone, which she herself performs.  Each of her meditations are guided by her voice, her drum, and a very clearly stated intent.  The idea is to cover your eyes (complete darkness is extremely helpful), sit close to the sounds of the CD, make sure your environment will not be disturbed for the duration (on average, about 15 minutes), and just surrender into your experience.

Sandra’s Shamanic Meditations CDs are tailor-made for beginners looking for a clear foundation for deep journeying work.  Topics include allowing yourself to look through “spirit eyes” – which equates to a mergence with a helping spirit to open your perceptions to the invisibles amongst us, as well as journeys to connect you with your personal power animals and spirit teachers.  Others take you into shamanic initiations, such as the oneness experience, which actually brings you out of your noggin and into your true nature.  Each of the journeys truly is a healing experience, there to help you integrate ancient wisdoms and knowingness deep within the soul, which is then released and allowed to permeate throughout your conscious awareness.

I’ve journeyed with Sandra now, via these CDs, many times, and the results are rather interesting.  I feel far more skilled as a shamanic meditator, and can honestly say I’ve felt a real level of direct healing and opening within.  I didn’t connect to all the journeys, but then, my set and setting weren’t always full of clarity.  While Sandra will lead you through the experience, she certainly can’t do the work for you, and make no mistake, this is work – of the most divine nature.  I recommend really setting up your environment to ensure your success – no distractions, complete and total darkness, every conceivable comfort.  Anything that will help you get out of your mind, and surrender to a different reality.  These CDs, from my perspective, will resonate most with beginners, or folks that haven’t had a lot of journeying experience to date.  There are no new revelations in this portion of Sandra’s work, but then, these practices are ancient, and proven to be effective, so there’s really no need to try and improve on the meditations themselves.  She does give her own unique flavor, and by way of her feminine spirit, that angle is a gentle power, engendering a safe, cocoon-like energetic blanket around you as you travel inward.

If you’re reading this blog, you likely have more than a passing interest in shamanism.  There are many, many facets of this gorgeous, magical world, and one of the key elements are these glorious meditations.  If you feel drawn to not just learning about journeys, but actually experiencing them, I know of no better audio path than Sandra Ingerman’s Shamanic Meditations. Gift yourself with the healing, heightened levels of awareness, and immense wisdom these discs can lead you on.  If nothing else, it’s a fun ride, and you might just unlock more of your own shamanic powers.

I’m currently reading Sandra’s book Awakening to the Spirit World, co-authored by Hank Wesselman, and will share my observations on that in a week or so.  A budding shaman can never have too many goodies in the toolbox

I promised Tantra at the end of the last post.  Tonight, there’s a whole lot more brewing.

Orion and I have been entering officially into Tantric spaces about once a week these days – this has been consistent for many weeks now.  We keep marveling about how we instinctively fell into so many Tantric rituals without really being aware of it – so much of what we’re learning are practices we’ve already been shifting into.  It’s marvelous in that sense – the energies are very much the leaders of the show, not our individual selves.  Tantra appeals to me in part because of this required surrender – when I really let go in the sacred spaces Orion and I create, there is no more “I”.  There are moments of such intense freedom, I often shutdown or have an emotional response as a result.  How can that be?  Intimacy still scares the flipping tar out of me.  ”Me”, the fragile little ego-state, the part that is in the continuous process of transforming, dying, and rebirthing.  The endless loop, until it is no more.

Our Tantric experiences as of late have been really vast and mystical.  In one, Orion asked if he could just. . .adore me.  He spent the entire time kissing every inch of me, as I lay surrendered on our crisp white duvet, used only for these rituals.  And when I let the intense sincerity of his adoration really land within my being. . .I cried, steadily, as I am right now.  The reasons – they are many.  On one level, it felt / feels so electrifying to receive such pure, divine love.  And on another level, I felt the direct contrast of the old energies I used to harbor and protect – the self-destruction, the worth issues. . .all the ways in which I didn’t love myself.  And so in those moments, I felt both in equal doses – love and adoration for myself, and that old angry, destructive programming.

Other Tantric times have been vastly different.  In one, I felt the need to balance the energies and spend time adoring Orion.  Although I feel like I’m almost always in that space, it felt magical to adore the divinity in him, without the rest of the stories.  When we walk into our sacred space, we are no longer Kitty and Orion: we are Kali and Shiva, our chosen god-identities.  And because we drop the stories of ourselves, surprises keep surfacing.

What I am facing with fierce intensity these days is the extent of my previous, and to be honest, still-present, self-destruction.  Every time I start eating or drinking things in an unconscious state, I acknowledge the inherent destruction.  I’ll be scarfing down a pile of junk, all the while in full awareness of how this is not out of love, but I don’t stop.  I choose to continue the damage.  The excuse mentally is always long and convoluted – it doesn’t really matter what I eat, one cheat-session doesn’t hurt any, blah blah blah.  The truth is, it’s not out of love, it’s an urge to keep me from being intimate *with myself*.  I am starting to really understand this impulse.  The healthier I am, the more undefended and raw I am.  And in turn, I have way more energies to pore into the divine transformation.  My beloved ego doesn’t like those spaces – she likes what is familiar, and escaping in food is very, very familiar.  But the food, and the layers of fat that have developed as a result, act as a barrier between myself and my power, in a sense.  It creates a very real feeling story of my lack of self-worth.  I’ve been falling for this trap a whole lot again – a very familiar dance for me. But this time around, it feels deeper and more mesmerizing than ever before.

This brings me to the present.  I just finished my first day of the new apprenticeship.  It took me 9 hours to get here and I didn’t land until the wee hours.  A few hours of sleep gave me just enough vibrancy to be heart-spaced and open to the experience, and even though I got lost (just 2 miles to my destination from my hotel, and still. . .it’s a gift), I still felt fantastic when I arrived at my Teacher’s house.  She and her space are both profoundly divine.  Earth-Teacher has an incredible quiet strength, but she greeted me with a truly sincere and supportive embrace.  My other apprentice travelers are equally warm and wonderful.  There’s four of us total, plus Teacher, and it’s an absolutely perfect mix.  Today was an introduction of sorts – we settled into our collective energies, listened to Teacher share some core concepts of the Plant-Work, and embarked on a few magnificent experiential journeys.

Through it all, my theme for the day was intimacy.  Our work early on in the day allowed us to drop intimacy walls with each other and start feeling that ever-present connection.  That came very easily – a marvelous revelation, as this used to be a gargantuan battle.  Proof that all these exercises really do work to get us into our true natures.  I’ve come along way since the first MITT session.  Later on, we spent time with plants – just feeling them.  Feeling being the operative word here.  The core of the work I’m embarking on is feeling – a stark contrast to the Jnana Yoga I have energetically engaged in every Sunday with the Sangha crew, and every seeming moment with sweet Orion.  Jnana Yoga is an aggressive path in many ways, as it’s a mental attack at enlightenment concepts, and serves the engager by exhausting him or her intellectually until they finally surrender into something other than their mind.  I play this game with sincere muster, but it has shown it’s limitations to me – or maybe it’s my limitations with it.  Regardless, all the talk and experience of *feeling* today *felt* freaking fantastic.  In many ways, my internal self was saying “Girl, welcome home.”  But in others. . .well, I just felt like a fish out of water.

I have tools to protect my ego in the mental spaces.  There’s a sense of control in there, and that’s why I love to play there.  Feeling offers me no such luxury – it is the ultimate in surrender, as it forces me to A) experience exactly what IS inside of me and B) drop the desire to control my external experience – that is, to look good / normal / sane / stable by NOT being emotional.  I, like many of the rest of us, have been programmed to believe that showing emotion is weak, and not really welcome in most spaces.  That’s obviously not true, but it’s an insanely powerful belief.  I’m willing to drop that story, and as such, man are there some emotions in there.  Ayahuasca has helped me *immensely* to allow those to brew up, with meditation + Vipassana also offering huge leaps in this arena.  And here I am again, diving into another fiercely intimate adventure.  I know the five of us are going to have some mindlessly powerful experiences.  One day in, and I’m already having responses.  I’m so happy to be here, but so freaked out at the same time.  The perfect place to be, really – actively pushing the boundaries of comfort.  And in a way the feels absolutely perfect.  Safe, in an unsafe way.  Mmmmm duality.

Tonight though, I’m feeling more than just a joyful gratefulness for finding a new shamanic home in this apprenticeship.  My favorite friends in the desert are having a very, very special, bonded evening tonight.  A ceremonial celebration all their own.  Orion will be there – as will, well, just about everyone else that I feel an intimate bond with back home.  So yeah, there’s some serious sadness in not getting to share that.  As much as I know I’m right where I need to be. . .I *want* to be there, with them.  To have both worlds accessible.  And so I’m sulking a bit in my cheap hotel room.  There’s also a horrifically intense fear of the lack of boundaries Orion and I share.  I love our independence, I love our lack of rules and structure.  We fully support each other in being whomever we are called to be in every moment.  I would not change a thing about this openness, and yet, it paralyzes me sometimes, because of how much it forces me to trust and surrender.  Ego doesn’t want to trust and surrender, she wants to feel as if everything is under control.  Yet there is no such thing.  And when Orion and I enter the altered, no-holds barred spaces, either together or separate, all the fear and pain surrounding intimacy and trust surface within.

Here I am, in this bizarre scenario.  A Motel 6 in a tiny town in New Mexico.  Day one of a shamanic apprenticeship – learning to see and experience the world in a different way – like, as Teacher said today, an undefended child.  Sitting here with the knowingness that my friend-family are falling into an intimate, connected space without me.  Not knowing what any of this really means.  Afraid of beginnings and endings and deaths and rebirths.  Looking in the mirror and feeling hatred for the body I see looking back, who just looks back with innocence and neutrality.  It’s all so familiar and foreign at the same time.  Yeah, like an undefended child – I am protection-less and raw.  What is there to be protected from, anyway?  You can’t protect yourself from life.  And really, when it comes down to it, who would want to.

And so I’ll spend some time crying and feeling tonight.  Allowing the perceived separation to wash over me, so that I may reconnect with the oneness that is always waiting.  Every moment is a choice, with regards to how we experience it.  I will feel what I need to, without resistance – all the while keeping a direct connection with my beautiful observer.  The one looking down with a smile and seeing all that is.  No judgment, no duality, just awareness.

I am grateful for all that is – this ocean of tears, the trembling rising up and out of my body, the child that looks back at me in the mirror, the many faceted journey I am on.  Teacher said today, one of her favorite bumper stickers says “Remember who you always wanted to be.”  Me, I always just wanted to have adventures – to travel everywhere, to do everything, to love everyone.  Tonight, I can honestly say – mission accomplished.

If you’re reading this, you probably already have a pretty good notion about what aspects of shamanism this blog tends to focus on.  That would be the sacred plants.  As most of you know, in April of 2006, I embarked on a a journey of a lifetime that landed me in the Peruvian Amazon.  I was blessed enough to find myself working with two master shamans, and after three Ayahuasca ceremonies, I was literally reborn.  I would later discover a true affinity for Huachuma ceremonies as well, and can easily point to these experiences as part of the core reasons I am a beaming, vibrant, genuine, enlightenment-chasing love-cat.

I am not alone in these awakenings.  Many, many souls over literally *centuries* of shamanic work have found true healing and connection with the all by working with the plants.  But shamanism isn’t limited to ceremonial, ritualistic plant-work.  The word “shaman” itself means “one who sees in the dark”.  This does not imply that plants are the only means by which we can truly see.  I’m not expert in this field, but the more that I discover, the more I realize – wow, there is no “core shamanism” (despite the arguments of Michael Harner).  No, shamanism is as personal as we are.  Although dozens of cultures have embraced the practice of shamanism almost since the beginning of Earth-life, there are very few golden threads.  In that short list exists a connection with nature, a recognition that the reality we experience is not *the* reality, and that, simply put, there is more to this world than meets the eye.

These days, most who find their way into an Ayahuasca ceremony do in fact achieve immense healing and onion-peeling beauty.  That said, most do not suddenly dive headfirst into a love affair with shamanism itself.  This is where I differed – an extension to my life path that still leaves me awed.  I was a corporate executive on the path to world domination, living the grand LA life and doing it all in designer threads.  How could I have known that I was destined to be “one who sees in the dark?”

You know how when you go into a pet store or a shelter with the intention of finding your dream pet, they in fact choose you?  How that Cocker you had your eye on just up and ignores you, while the French Bulldog is proposing puppy-marriage, and shocks with you a heart-melt?  That’s what shamanism did to me.  She fully and completely seduced me, without any understanding on my part as to why.  I had my healings, I reaped the benefits (and could continue to do so) – but why the continued interest in *being one*?

However it transpired, in the immortal words of the alien squeakie from Toy Story, “I have been chosen!”  And since that realization, I have naively supposed that all things shamanism must in fact be gravy.  In the highest sense, this has been the case, but I’ve been blessed to narrow the field as of late, and find a more focused frequency for me to dance to.  At the same time, horizons have dramatically broadened.

A few weeks ago, I attended a weekend seminar from the Foundation of Shamanic Studies.  This foundation is headed up by Michael Harner, an esteemed PHD who has attempted to condense all shamanic cultures into the aforementioned “core” groupings.  This intrigued me.  It’s very Western in its approach – sort of a “one size fits all” methodology, by no means aiming to dilute the complexities of shamanism across the planet, but instead finding those golden threads.  I learned all about journeying, power animals, divination, drumming – all kinds of yummy aspects of this tribal, connected world.  And make no mistake, I *loved* these processes, and resonated with many very deeply.  I did not care for my instructor on any fashion, however, as I felt a serious disconnect.  This “core shamanism” structure seemed to accomplish the exact opposite of its expressed intention.  Instead of celebrating this practice, it instead felt watered down and almost powerless.  And more poignantly, there was a definite dismissal of any “niches” in the traditions.  Perhaps this is because there is a fear of legality, or just done out of necessity (the classes are short and you can’t talk about it *all*), but I felt a serious judgment of *my* branch of shamanism, and I find this wonderfully ironic.  I used this perceived judgment to find the truth within – looking at my mirror, reflecting back the resistance to plant-work, I found the space within that still had judgment herself.  I talked with her, I listened to her, and I found it was just a fear of being ego-less, of being who I really am.  Having uncovered this, I gleefully powered on.

Coming out of the experience, a fire was once again blazing within.  I had all kinds of new tools in my arsenal – tools I have been using ever since.  I journey regularly (a form of meditation – the shamans were the first meditators, and I adore this process immensely) now, communing with my awesome power animal (a jaguar named Satcha that I met in my very first Ayahuasca ceremony).  I feel much more whole and complete as a shamanic practitioner, and am even interested in having my own healing center using these methods some day.  More timely, however, I remembered who *I* am in the shamanic spaces – I am a plant healer.  There will be no more pretending.

In the weeks since, I have gone full scale in finding my next teachers in these spaces.  My purpose is twofold – first, I’m focused on finding an accomplished healer that will work with my fabulous desert friends.  There are many of us now here in this community that have either had remarkable results with this process, or are ready to dive into these intense and powerful realms.  Nothing makes me happier than to watch healing unfold, and to play my role in helping to facilitate these transformations.  I have since found several potential healers, and the logistics are underway.  All thanks to an intuitive tip from Guru Pranananda.  This domino effect has been magical – put your focus on something, and holy catnip does it ever light-up.

Most surprisingly, I uncovered the exact teacher I have been passively, and now actively, searching for since I found this path.  I’ve been on the lookout for an apprenticeship of sorts, but really unsure about how that would look.  I figured I’d find a traditional plant-healer that was willing to work with me in various capacities, and that would be that.  But by declaring my intention and then *detaching* from the exact results. . .I found so, so much more.

Through a remarkable email thread, I landed in the inbox of a woman named Julie McIntyre.  She’s an accomplished healer and shaman, with a vast array of expertise.  And as luck would have it, she is starting an apprenticeship for a few select individuals *this very weekend*.  It’s an 8 month program called an Earth Medicine Apprenticeship.  She will be teaching us all kinds of esoteric, magical shamanic intricacies, such as using the heart as an organ of perception, engaging the fruitful darkness (something she calls “Eating the Shadow”), and of course plant identification and medicine-making, Earth-style.  She sealed the deal for me when she stated simply that the states of mind I reach in an Ayahuasca ceremony are reachable without a drop of the brew, and she can help me get there.

Since my first sip of Ayahuasca, I have continuously stated that that is the ultimate goal – to access those spaces without the need for the plants.  Aya has served as a memory of sorts for me (and thousands of others) – taking us into our true power, beyond the limitations of the “normal” conscious state.  There was simply no way I could pass up this opportunity.  So,  I will be making the 10 hour one-way trek to New Mexico once a month for the rest of this year, juggling an insane schedule and taking a huge leap of faith to go deeper into these mysterious worlds.  I am overjoyed, a little freaked out, and totally energized.  I feel the power of Ayahuasca within me, as I always do, but she herself is directly guiding me to this experience.  It’s interesting, as I am no longer an externally focused being – I fully accept that everything manifested in my world comes directly from within.  That said, there are people, spirits and invisibles that I have manifested to work with me, in order to transcend the idea of separation.  Ayahuasca is one such powerhouse.  And so I will follow her, into the dark, the light, and everything in between.  This is one of those mysterious chapters – what will come of this adventure?  What exactly will I find?  Stay tuned, as I will no doubt reveal all to the glorious blogosphere.  Until then, besos!

Next time, let’s talk Tantra, shall we?

Back on the eve of Christmas Eve, I found a rare quiet, completely solo night to myself, and felt it right to go deep with the plants again.  My previous Huachuma ceremony was my only to-date solo excursion with Grandfather Wisdom / San Pedro, and I felt like I learned volumes about the energies, especially when it came to me as conductor.  I was ready for round 2.

As always, I set intentions and created a sacred space for going in.  I felt it wise to keep intentions simple and direct this time, and asked the spirits to just show me truth – whatever that might be mean.  I had hit a big wall mentally as of late, and was bloody sick of my mind’s insistence that *she* knew the truth.  I wanted to consult with a higher source.  With that, I gulped down the vile concoction, lit my candles, laid out the mesa (display of sacred items that are used as powerful portals in-ceremony) and hunkered down for the reveal.

Right away, my head kicked into turbo mode.  She had a lot of input on this whole truth matter.  And all of it, out of the gate, was pretty freaking negative and constrictive.  She started making a laundry lists of all my blocks – the reasons I could not yet own the truth, and why it was only a dialogue in my head.  Observer-me disagreed.  We countered with a readiness, an openness, an insistence that no, higher self is ready to show herself.

Mind was having none of that.  She showed her muscle in full effect.

I kept trying to surpass the mind chatter, to dive deeper into the present moment.  But all my mind wanted to do was jerk me into the past or the future.  I curled up by the fireplace, eyes closed and contemplative, but internally, a bloody war bubbled up. Here was some sample chatter:

“The problem is you’re too damn lazy to advance past where you’re at, you hardly ever workout or meditate and besides that those things don’t work, it’s just banter from wanna-bes that masquerade as gurus, and you know better but even still you couldn’t be a guru, it’s not your time, there’s karma to pay for and the like, and you don’t even believe in karma, so good luck with that, because sheesh we are such posers, such a fake little role-player, even when you think you’re being real it’s just a game just a game just a game.”

To which another I within would respond “That’s not true!  SHOW ME TRUTH!”

We played this game for eons.  A few hours or more.  I had some poignant moments at the altar / mesa, but I started really illuminating the hamster in the wheel, spinning along in my humdrum head, trying to keep me from being present.  I felt that anchoring myself deep into the present moment would take me right into the heart of Huachuma’s power, and that I could find my real answers there.  So I scampered upstairs to the bedroom, turned off all the lights, slipped on a blindfold, and fell into sivassana – my favorite meditation pose.  Lying on my back, palms up to the skies, body relaxed and surrendered.

The games continued in my mind, even in this sincere effort to just relax and escape the brain banter.  Instead, she kicked it up another notch.  This time, she hit me with a challenge.

“I’ll show you what’s true.  I’ll show you I’m in control.  I’ll make your cell phone ring.”

“Bullshit you will, I turned my cell phone off when I came up here.”

On cue, the cell rang, and I about freaked out.  I didn’t pick it up, but stared intently at the unknown number.  Then I yelled my demand.

“Leave a message, and it better be TRUE!”

The voicemail bell chimed, and my heart freaked out.  I played the message and had to laugh at the irony.  

It was static.  Nothing but fuzz.  1 1/2 minutes of white noise.  At least we were getting closer – that felt more honest than the nonsense that had been stewing in the mind space all night, so I felt like progress had been made.

Back in meditation mode, things really got dicey.  I could not get around my mind.  She would lead me down a rabbit hole, baiting me with what felt like a real-time revelation, but before I knew it I’d be spelling out a grocery list, fretting about the upcoming Vipassana retreat, lamenting the lack of Orion’s naked body in the bed, on and on and on some more.  But as this volume exploded within, so did a few nuggets of wisdom.

“You can’t beat your mind at her game.  You’re using your mind to chase your mind – she’ll find darker and deeper holes to hide in, and you’ll never cease this game.  Don’t fight fire with fire.”

That, and:

“Use the tools you have in this illusion to *escape* the illusion.”

That one got me.  I had avoided calling on the spirits nestled in my objects of power, because I have come to own the true illusion of this maya-world.  But it struck me that these entities were no more or less real than, say, Orion.  Or Mac.  Or Pi.  And i”m aces at using them to help me out of the madness, so why not extend this to all the manifestations I have gifted myself with?

Yes, that was making serious sense.  And that simply meant I needed to take off the blindfold, go down to the mesa, and use Huachuma in the highest way possible.  With eyes and heart wide open.  Enough with the mind war.

I grabbed the book on my nightstand as I descended the stairs  - “Enlightenment for Beginners” by Chuck Hillig.   That seemed relevant.  I then turned on the Adyashanti recordings Orion had recently burned for me – tuned in to the “Direct Path” dialogue.  I had all guns a-blazin — tools to the hilt.

Truth was hitting me from all sides.  Adya talked about the blazing obsession with truth the most sincerest members of the spiritual path tend to uncover, and I resonated like a mad-woman.  He coupled that with the inevitable “aloneness” stage that hits fast and furiously, and I felt the tears flow as I knew that all too well.  Then I thumbed through Chuck’s book.  Holy cow did that do a number on my head.  It is a brilliant unfolding of – OMG – the truth of who we are!  The way we’ve projected every aspect of our worlds – the movie, the move screen, the projector, and the space between!  

And yet, eegawds, I was not satisfied.  Because it only felt like my mind was in the game – trying to insert herself into the “realness”, when in fact she was the ego-generated, and thus part of the illusion.  And so I didn’t *feel* this truth – it was only be intellectualized.  

But that would have to be enough.  I spent 8 hours in ceremony, tearing down the walls of illusion, and the end result was both profound and meaningless.  Yes, I owned into the core of my being that my mind does not hold the path to enlightenment – she will never share anything but relative truths.  And yes, I once again confirmed that I am – we all are – part of one masterful, God-head awareness.  And that I wasn’t any more or less enlightened than Jesus – I just wasn’t ready to step into that full realization.  I could feel him, and all the other masters, calling to me, whispering “wake up wake up wake up” into my ear, and yet – that block.  That ceiling.

I laughed it off and said thank you to my spirit friends for showing me all this and more.  I couldn’t force it – another priceless message.  My wanting truth wasn’t enough – I had to own my own integrity in every single moment, stay present and detached, and let grace do her thing – if, and when.

Tough lessons, but beautiful all the same.  I climbed back into bed exhausted, brow-beaten, but a little bit wiser in the heart-space.  And ready to get up the next morn and keep on keepin’ on.

“I run into your thought from across the room
Just another trick
Can I weather this
I’ve got a fever above my waist
You got a squeeze box on your knee
I know the truth is in between the 1st and 40th drink”

-Miss Tori A

Two very distinct and paradoxical reasons have kept me from blogging lately:

1) So bloody much has happened it’s daunting to try and cover all the ground in a genuine, detailed fasion

2) Much of what keeps transpiring is from the space where words cannot go, so how does the unreal ego / identity self truly convey what is?  She can’t, she won’t, and yet it’s so cute how she tries.

Here I am, trying.  Playing in the illusion of the word space.  *splishy splashy*

Shpongle is playing – “Botanical Dimensions”.  Appropriate and inspirational.  Here I go.

I will soon post a full report on the latest Huachuma adventure, #7.  I cannot dishonor the massive revelations by making them footnotes.  Likewise, I recently returned from a ridiculously profound 11 day silent meditation retreat, following the Vipassana technique.  That’s gotta be at least 2 big downloads.  For now, I’ll just speak what is, in this space, in this smattering of awareness.  

First, the “apparently” tangible spaces: big changes.  Huge.  Happy, scary-in-a-good-way, heart thumping cliff dives.  I left the current day job today – a space I’ve been truly joyful in, challenged, and appreciated for well over two years.  As far as office jobs go, this has been my favorite.  I have never had an office environment that allowed me to be who I am before, in complete freedom and acceptance.  That’s been huge, as it’s provided the space for me to go deep into the enlightenment game, and not make any apologies along the way.  Sure, they’ve labeled me a bit strange in these parts, but I can’t think of a place that wouldn’t be true.  Except in Sunday Sangha, the weekly spirit-family that talks nonsense and yet understands each other.  Yum.

But something found me literally out of the blue these last few days – an opportunity that felt so all-over right, I had to jump in.  I’m now VP of Production for an online children’s content group.  I’ll be working *remotely*, from my happy little home space, on beautiful, uplifting, feel-good projects for little people.  The team I’ve connected with (only via phone thus far) are absolutely stellar beings, and I’m overjoyed at the intense challenge, and the chance to do it all from my sacred space.  This will mean more face time with Orion and Hijo, and *that* is worth it’s weight in diamond dust.  The new occupational adventure begins.

The other big news – I’m finally diving headfirst into Tantra.  This is a path that has been on my radar since teenage-dom, truly, but it’s never called loud enough for me to go full-on.  I can’t even say I understand one iota of what I’m getting into, but like the job above, it just feels right.  Pi has kindly taken on the role of teacher for those of us interested in taking on the task, and I’m melting with gratitude for what I feel this means.  Getting closer to him, to Orion, to myself, to God.  All the same, all different – all just freaking awesome.

I know that Tantra will / is shaking up my paradigm of sexuality too.  I know that I will enter into energetic spaces that are powerful and vastly unfamiliar.  This is another step in the self-transformation – dropping the identity to become divine.  I finally have a partner that makes this feel real, safe, possible – in every way.  So why not, you know?  The energies are calling.  I know this will require surrender like I have never known – just what Ayahuasca has been preparing me for.  Integrity in the truest sense.  A willingness to go deep into the emotional spaces.  So in addition to the Jnana Yoga fun I embark on every week with the spirit-family, and almost every waking moment with Orion, I’ve got a new game to play.  One that requires me to use my body to transcend.  That’s the big daunting prospect, as we have only recently become friends.  I am finally in the place of feeling mad-comfortable without clothes.   I used to refuse to look at my naked body in the mirror, and now I look to her with fondness and love.  Shower her with compliments and acceptance.  That alone is a miracle, so what does Tantra have for me next?  Woof, I can’t imagine.  But all systems go anyway.  It’s really starting to get fun in these parts.

I did my first Tantric ceremony this weekend, solo, building a mini-temple in my bedroom and practicing new meditation methods and body affirmations.  Lots of time spent naked, laying in front of a mirror, being with what is instead of what I want to be, body-wise.  And finding such a peace, such a vast amount of gratefulness, for the image that is reflected.  I saw how it wasn’t “me” that I was looking at, just this lovely house that has agreed to carry this energy for a duration.  Knowing that my body is the only thing that is mortal, I’ve suddenly felt such a softness for her, such a need to take good care and spoil her while I can.  Enough with the horrendous thoughts about her imperfections – we had over 3 decades of that.  Time to play a different game.

There’s a rightness to all these big shifts, a sense that I’m a tiny piece of popcorn about to explode to the next fluffy level.  There can’t be any knowingness of what that actually means, but all senses are buzzing with approval.  I’m right where I need to be, following the intuitive guidance system, and feeling my heart open more and more.  Knowing there is no “I”, only a We.  All of us, one masterful God, pretending to play separate games, pretending that there is anything other than divinity in our midst.  Silly humans.  We do love a good acting shenanigan.  But my favorite part – unraveling that game.  Full exposure.  All naked and shivering, starring into the light of what is – and isn’t.  

As a woman in this Tantric dance, I get to be the darkness.  The room by which the energy enters.  Woman is the environment in the sexual act, the part of the duo that holds the space and allows the light to enter.  There is no light without darkness – darkness is always there, holding court, wrapping its arms around illumination, and everything in between.  The space where everything and nothing dwells.  What an honor to hold that capacity, to get to own that knowingness as Orion and I see each other as Divine.  Not just in our minds, but with all of our beings.  I can’t think of any greater adventure – to use our bodies in order to leave our bodies.  Oooh, tingles.  

*Flittering away*. . . .

“If heaven and hell decide / that they both are satisfied

Illuminate the “no’s” on the vacancy signs,

If there’s no one beside you / when your soul embarks,

I will follow you into the dark.”

- Death Cab

Click to Listen

I was recently featured on a local radio show, yapping away about shamanism, ayahuasca, huachuma / san pedro, and  liberation. Take a listen at MetaMysticRadio.com – choose the December 16th interview with Kitty.  I actually think it went super well – CJ is a great informal interviewer and we had a ball.

In other news. . .

Yay for holidaze – especially since Orion will likely actually be here, a rarity for an on-call pilot.  Sounds like I get serious family time, which makes me all a-flutter.  I still have such easy access to the childish bliss associated with presents and cookies and seeing other lovees glow.  I can’t wait to see Hijo open the presents I corralled for him – my first year to spoil a child, and I took full advantage.  

I can’t help but be nostalgic.  Not for what’s been lost in the last year, but what’s been found.  Love like no other, a gaggle of incredibly bonded and spiritually connected Vegas friends, and a *stepson* for crying out loud.  Who would have guessed?  Certainly not me.  But the treasures of the last year have taught me to let go of any “me” notions, and let the universe have her way.  My way would have meant a lack of vulnerability and certainly no mommy roles.  My way was clearly far too limited.

If I had to give the year a word, I’d call it Paradoxical.  I systematically dropped just about every known belief structure, chucking out the validity of everything from aliens to egos.  And then picked them all up again in all their glorious unreal-realism.  I’ve come to know the world as a dream, but one I have full manifested control over, yet can’t control at all.  How come both be true?  Because they are.  It just is, and I love it.  Welcome to duality.  But try on non-dualism while you’re at it.

I’m going to embark on a huachuma ceremony later today, with the intention to drop all notions of myself completely.  Huachuma is the ultimate illuminator – capable of lifting the veil of illusion and showing those who walk through his portal what really is.  ”I” will choke down a few mugs of this not-so-condensed putrid plant and welcome his wisdom so deep within, I become nothing.  And in that space, “I” will find . . .whatever is waiting.  The I within wants to know the highest way to work with him as well – how to best integrate his dream-like lessons in this dream-filled world.  And I think I’ll visit Jesus too, maybe bring him in a birthday card.  We can celebrate the un-ness of everything.  Oh, irony.

And that’s about the extent of my current profundity – not much more relevatory than a James Cameron film, I know.  This is stage one of today’s big clearing-out process.

“Love / Is watching / someone die”  - Death Cab

As we noodle down the treacherous and oft overwhelming path ala enlightenment, many of us pound our heads against spiky walls out of sheer paradoxical frustration.  It seems every luminous enlightenment being speaks a different language.  Sometimes it feels like no one is really pointing at the same moon – that this is all a crazy game with no real ending.  That there is no such thing as realization at all.

And yet, when dropping the logical constructs of the mind, there is more than just a something there, drawing me into its womb-like clutches.  What is it, really?  I don’t know.  But I’m learning one alarmingly simple yet devastatingly challenging way to get there.  I have a lot of wise teachers feeding me equal doses and beauty and bullshit, and in their cryptically direct banter, I’ve found one radiant consistency.  Mac said it this weekend, and I’ve heard Pi and Pranananda say pretty much the same thing – whatever (or whomever) you choose to get you there, it doesn’t matter.  Just surrender.  Completely.

Just.  Surrender.  Hah.  Just like I (think) I know what enlightenment is not, I’ve uncovered a million ways / reasons / opportunities to *not* surrender.  I have never fully surrendered to a lover.  I never surrendered to authority of any kind – parental, priestly, etc.  Ayahuasca, though she’s given me no reason not to, has never felt me hand it *all* over to her.  There’s always a shred or more held back – just in case.  To keep the illusion of control.  To have a tether into this world, into my mind, in case this is all just a load of baloney and I give away everything – thoughts, heart, breath, life – for a naive, selfish notion that there’s something more.

But here’s the rub.  I have been granted a whole gaggle of spiritual experiences.  Ayahuasca has shown me the primal energies from which I came from – the golden threads that lead all the way back to the beautiful nothingness.  Huachuma showed me my true God reflection in the face of a sacred stone in Peru.  I have *almost* dropped the “i” now on several occasions, becoming the all – and feeling what it is to be the movie, the projector, the observers and the space in between all three.  And no matter how strong my ego becomes, no matter how much that uncertainty wants to scream out her cautions – I don’t believe them.  I don’t believe much of anything anymore.  But I do know there’s more beyond what “I” know.  

I can’t stop what’s coming.  It’s inconceivable to me to go back to the unconscious self.  I’m not really in the state of seeking, but I sense with an insatiable magnetism that there is more to know.  I travel deep into my heart space an unequivocally realize there’s nothing else for me but this.  Not awakening itself, necessarily. but the walk to greet her.  The willingness to own my divinity.

Mac told us last week to stop calling this enlightenment – to hold it as liberation instead.  This facilitated a great shift in me later that week – I came to know in every cell that absolutely nothing about me has to change in order to awaken.  Nothing.  I don’t have to be less egoic or more pious and meditate 20 hours a day or eat raw vegetables with unsoiled hands.  There is nothing I have to do or be, because nothing about me dictates this liberation.  It was a massive relief, a huge opening that allowed me to feel whole and complete.  I could have hugged myself.  Instead, I stared at my reflection in Orion’s beautiful eyes and felt the truth.  This is who we are.  And it’s in those eyes that I found a key.

This game is all about surrender.  And while I understand it doesn’t matter what you surrender to, as long as you do it completely, I realize my mind isn’t going to accept just any authoritative illusion.  I intend to work on surrendering to everything and everyone in every moment, but in order to amp up the game, I’ve chosen two very specific targets.

One is obvious – ayahuasca.  I’ve danced with her almost 2 dozen times now, and I know we have more time to know each other.  I can conceive of a complete willingness to surrender to her chaotic yet nurturing strength.  But those opportunities are scarce – a few times a year or so.  Still, I feel in my heart she can take me there.  I know that *anything* can, it’s just that I feel I can convince my mind to give me one minute of freedom – to hold her breath, and that of my body, and surrender to death by the vine, in order to let light in.  Yes, we can do that.

The other is, in many ways, far more terrifying.  I’m in tears just feeling the very real willingness, and the very real fear – the former from heart, the latter from mind.  I will surrender to Orion.  Not him as a human, per se – as an unreal ego – but as my connection to Shiva.  I can’t remember a single time in the last (almost) year that I’ve known him where I’ve been able to see anything but his greatness.  I have never known a more pure and unconditional love.  I trust his intention, I trust his own connection to divinity – and so, I can’t shy away.  We’ve started practicing tantra together – a very respected yogic path to enlightenment – and I feel as though. . .well, we’re on to something.  It’s both thrilling and horrific.  Whee.

Kat – the name I have for my little egoic self – is so fucking scared of this.  But in a moment of incredible clarity this weekend, I was able to pacify her long enough to open a huge portal for us.  I gave him complete freedom to be who he is.  I dropped the restrictions previously agreed upon in our bond, with respect to sexuality, and asked him to just be.  Integrity is still integral, but rules no longer apply.  And although I shake at times when I realize what this could mean, I also know that this is part of my divine surrender.  I trust the universe (me) to manifest the best possible outcome for us both.  But if I tell God I want it my way only, there’s nothing else He / She / We can do but give it to way I demand.  I’m past that now.  In this relationship, I will not be ruled by fear.

So there I’ve done it – dropped all sense of security and yet, at the same time, promised to throw my all into surrendering to this, my partner and love – the God that he is, and the God that I can allow him to show me.  Kat is so fearful she’s barely uttered a protest.  It’s paralyzing and beautiful.  There’s such a rightness to this act that I feel a glow inside, way deeper than any perceived tremble.  

I want and deserve my pot of gold, should the universe see fit.  And I’m showing Her I’m willing to drop *all* attachments to awaken.  I guess that’s why they call it liberation.  Just the act of doing so makes me feel so much closer.

Calling for my soul / At the / Corners of the world – (Tori Amos)