Intellectually, I know what’s transpiring.  I have poured myself into integrity, into finding out my true self, and relinquishing the ego’s stronghold.  I have declared truth at all costs, willing to feel whatever I must to liberate.  But oh my fucking god, sometimes I feel like it’s killing me.  (That’s that small me talking, and I suppose she feels that way because. . .it’s true.)

This last month has been like the opening line of A Tale of Two Cities – the best and worst of times.  And everything in between.  I have had authentic, heart-stopping moments of complete surrender, complete knowingness of my divinity, and complete ownership of what this world really is and isn’t.  Coupled by breakdowns so painful, I literally feel like I’m being split in two.

I’m in the space of the latter right now, although it’s a crowded space.  There are two very real points of view – sometimes many more.  The disappointing thing is that the small side keeps getting the upper hand.  I have wailed with sadness and pain today.  And then hopped RIGHT back to the kind of surrender that would make a Taoist ogle and ahhh.  I’m dizzy and tired and I want to scream, cry, and laugh hysterically.  All at once.  Which, if I’m counting correctly, has already transpired four times.

Why the insanity?  It’s all a matter of contrast.  I have wisely chosen a partner that is immensely powerful, and equally dedicated to this path.  Maybe even more so – another petty fear.  And while my process is ripe with emotional outbursts, head-splitting terror, and ridiculous little sob stories, his is as graceful and joyful as any I’ve seen.  He just had another incredible, indescribable experience – so close to knowing the All it feels completely inevitable.  And nobody – nobody – deserves it more.  He is transforming so much and so fast, sometimes I feel like I don’t know him.  But then I see his eyes shining at me, and realize it’s the *real* him.  He is so, so beautiful.

But I am torn to absolute pieces over the stark, embarrassing, and devastating contrast between us.  The more he shines, the more my insecurities and fear rise up and threaten to strangle me.  I am so damn beaten down and so ready to take on all the more – both at the same time.  It’s (sometimes) overwhelming.  I’m a walking contradiction, a non-stop paradox.  And I wonder why I am so afraid of losing my sanity.

Pi, your words of wisdom are my anchor right now.  I know I’m in a state of resisting this painful process, which is really where the rub is.  As you always say, “whatever state you’re in is perfect”.  Adya has the perfect words for this too – “when the resistance comes up – gently ask yourself: Is there a reason I need to resist this?”  When I do so in my quiet voice, all of me breathes a sigh and answers – No, I guess not.

As much as I don’t know any other game to play other than this big cosmic whirlwind, for now, I don’t know any other way to play it.  I ache for the ease / grace / flow I see reflected back to me by Orion.  But apparently I don’t want it badly enough, because I keep feasting on the darkness.  I know why.  It’s where my power is.  But in this small space in which I currently dwell, I resent that.  Because I’m really, really afraid I won’t always be able to fight back.  Not that it matters in the grand scheme, but I’m well aware this game is anything but small.  The stakes get higher as my ego’s resistance intensifies.  It’s only a matter of time before one of us wins.