Some of the reasons I can’t stop going back

We opened presents yesterday. Yes, I’m 31 and I still cherish this process with my parents. I’m the baby of the family, and it means the world to them to still have this ritual in place with me. It’s like a little transport to my childhood, only this time I’m more excited to see their joy, and less focused on my gifts. I love that shift. They are such gentle, loving beings, my parents. I chose wisely.

I’m headed home this afternoon, and will focus on a three day fast that will lead me into the next phase of my life. The return to the Amazon hits on Tuesday. By Wednesday morning, I’ll be in my hammock along the river, readying myself for a massive transformation. I want to love myself, without hesitation. I want to allow success and abundance to wash over me. I want to determine the ways in which I can unlock the same abilities in the whole wide world. I always say that I dream without limits, but it’s not true. Yet.

Oh, and I’m going to cure my asthma. It’s time.

I have such a hard time articulating the journey I’m about to take on, but the words will come later. I have a new label to wear, see – the publishing company put together a marketing plan yesterday for my novel, and they called me (I’m quoting here – I couldn’t possibly make this stuff up): “A Tori Amos/Hubert Selby Jr. hybrid with a little Bukowski thrown in for good measure.” There’s not a greater compliment. Not one. And I must make it so.

Travel on, angel friends. Talk to me before I run away to the jungle.

A gaggle of beautiful Amazon femme friends

Well, a few months back, I thought I might get liposuction. Maybe you remember. I reached the pinnacle of my body-hatred and the dam was going to blow. Instead, Sacha came to me and changed my mind. I thought it better to honor her, and leave the lipo for porn stars. She told me someone would love me madly as is anyway, and what a waste, to take some of these beautiful hips away.

Now, of course I would pick the world’s most coveted tattoo artist. It took over 2 months to get a consultation, and my first session won’t be until October of next year. Unless the Universe intervenes earlier, but I’m fine with waiting. On the way to his studio today, I almost left my body. I’ve been having fierce back pain the last 2 days (ironic? not exactly.), and I decided it was time to stop. I put on Datura, a Tori Amos song – one that saved my life in the Amazon. She convinced me to fight for my bliss, and not succumb to the death. I found my rebirth in the long list of plants she channels in that song, and I know it would heal me.

I drove like mad to my appointment, and felt myself rise. I found that place of unconditional love, and locked in with my claws. I felt so unbelievably free and peaceful. Then I found this huge well of adoration, and it was all for me. My love for myself. Most notably, my body. This. . .isn’t a normal occurrence. But I love a man that loves me without abandon, and it’s having an effect. Last night, he said he loved my belly and my hips. Body parts I have previously loathed with such intense disgust, it’s amazing they haven’t shriveled up from the rejection. Today, as I made my way to Zulu, I started falling in love with this little house I live in. I imagined what the tattoo will look like. How excited I am to just go balls out and honor my body and my spiritual identity. I thought I might cry and smear my makeup. I thought it was wonderful that I didn’t fucking care.

Once I arrived, I rather breathlessly told Zulu the tale of my tat. I want Sacha – the most beautiful jaguar you could ever imagine – draped in grand fashion across my back, lounging on a tree with lots of Ayahuasca vines hanging down. All around her will be the foliage of the Amazon. Below the tree will be scattered rocks, etched with Incan symbols for things like Jaguar, Lord, Light, and Renewal. I will incorporate a symbol created by Z that represents who he is – and our oneness.

Zulu got the vision in an instant, and he flipped out over the significance. He knows what this means. He is the man to give my spiritual awakening an artistic and tangible legacy. At one point, he paused from looking at my reference art, and said to me simply – “This is going to be one of the masterpieces of my entire life.”
I believe him. We’re looking at roughly 50 hours of work, and I’m ready. This body of mine, she’s been tortured and ostracized for far too long. It’s time she and Sacha merge in my heart to be a sacred temple. My strength, my light – the force by which I’m able to have this out-of-body moments, travel the cosmos, and come back home.

I’m at a Starbucks in Laguna Hills. I’m waiting for Z to come and share my happiness. We’re having dinner at a PCH restaurant in a few shakes with his business peeps. I’m a part of couple now. It’s a little surreal. All this love.

One of the indigenous angels, getting cane sugar water straight from the source - oh, yeah, that’s heaven

During one of my Ayahuasca visions, I talked to Tori. Those who know me are well aware of my Tori Amos obsession – since 1990, she has been a Goddess to me. I have met her many times, followed her tour from LA to Birmingham, cried on her shoulder – the Tori Stories are all blessings. It was at a concert of hers in 2003 that I found the strength to leave my loveless marriage. She has given me so much of my power.
And so there we were, talking away in my vision – and I asked her,
“Girl, have you done this? You have, right? Ayahuasca. Talked to the goddess. You understand.”
She said to me -
“Yes, love, of course I have, and you get the goddess power now, too. It’s one of my secrets, my strengths. You’re going to move mountains with this. It was already in you.”
Later in the vision, I asked if I could be her for a moment – to play Precious Things on stage in front of thousands of adorers. I still remember how that felt. Profound. Words escape me.

Last night, I remembered this portion of my vision. For fun, I did a Google search for her name, and Ayahuasca. After a little bit of hunting, I found it – validation. She talked about working with a female Shaman in the 80′s, and doing a lot of Ayahuasca. She talked about how much this changed her, gave her a center strength she could never have imagined. Her words matched those she had already spoken to me.

Come on now, that’s magic.

On the heels of this revelation, I felt linked in to things I don’t yet understand, but honor completely. I left a comment for William – an angel I met in the Amazon, and who has the calling again too – we’re both returning in December. This was an unplanned reunion, but obviously quite special.
At the exact moment I left him a note, I received one from him. Again, unplanned. Then we had a “Did we just do that?” moment, and it almost made me cry.

Because here I was, home alone, sitting in desolate darkness. Yet I felt unified with the whole beautiful universe. I felt loved and connected to people a world away.

Magic, I tell you. God, I am so lucky.