Three days shy of the 36th birthday, and I’m finally logging thoughts in here – first time this year.  Laziness?  Desire to hide?  LIfe just taking over?

Yes.

Also, an overwhelming amount of truth to tell.  That old – where to begin? – stressor, which leads to complete abandonment.

And yet I’m back.  With a burning awareness that it’s time to bleed in here again, to expose and reveal and purge all over the bloody screen.  God, I really miss the written word.  I’ve avoided the power of a typed-up chaotic brain / heart dump for months now – years, when it comes to my full on fiction writing and poetry – and I know a great deal about why.  It’s not a new revelation, but one that’s unraveling before my observing one-self, so it bares noting these days.

What is it the Genie in Aladdin said?  All the powers in the whole wide universe, locked up in a teeeeeeeny living space?  Yes.  That’s the rub, isn’t it?  This being I share space with has complete awareness (complete?  That may be exaggerating – at least partial.) that she is omnipotent, in the truest sense.  That with any level of drive, focus, discipline and fire, anything/everything can and will change.  And yet the temptation to just keep it status quo, to fly under the radar and commit to the mundane, not the spectacular, has continued to win out.

I should qualify that with an “apparently.”  What has been real in these last five months is a full on dedication to integrity, and there’s nothing small about the truth.  And because the willingness has been so genuine, shit has hit the fan.  Spirit is just emerging from a 10 day jaunt into the untamed spaces – man has the world been a chasm of darkness lately.  I literally let myself rip in two.  On the surface, brought on by the death of two cats (two whom I attached to in the most devotedly human way) and a third that was extricated from a less than ideal home situation, and into something that we hope is more for the greater good.  And yet, I let it break my heart.  Ripped wide-fucking-open.  And as I fell and felt and swirled, Orion (husband) flew out into the expansive spaces, and, on many occasions, laughed at the sad little clown girl.  I don’t blame him, this isn’t a victim outlet speech.  Just an acknowledgement that I created, seemingly, a complete and total separation, and the opportunity to *feel* divided, to the core.  SUCH pain.  Not suffering, mind you, as I stayed unwaveringly present through the madness (at least that’s my perception), but yo damn, that is a convincingly dark space.  So dark I found myself smashing my head against a wall, wanting OUT goddammit.  Feeling the disease of the past and future focused mind just became unbearable.  Then, of course, at some point I surrendered, my spirit filled with helium, and the veil lifted once more.

Now, the giddiness is back – the eyes-wide-open awe and wonder.  A few major revelations have surfaced, but those don’t want to be shared just yet – there are potential actions involved with all, and nothing has emerged as “it’s time” or “the right course.”  In that “waiting is” stage, and it’s lovely.  But what IS true and very loud/proud — this god-being is really, really ready to go BIG.  What does that mean?  Engaging in the three intuitive paths that keep neon-flashing behind my mind’s eye.  I’m not confused about how to unlock the next layer of out-of-the-way empowerment.  They are: Taking better care of the body (workouts, food, tinctures, yoga), meditation (which takes care of the mind, or no-mind), and writing (what my spirit loves the most, but mind resists the most.)  Pretty simple.  On paper.  But there’s a sense that truly engaging in all three will send me into. . .well, as a dear friend put it recently, “We’re not starting a new chapter.  Honey, this is a new book.”  And whose ego doesn’t fear change?  Ahem.

But here I am, apparently turning 36, and emerging out of a transforming year of 7′s (35 is a multiple of 7, and as the theory goes, since we regenerate every cell of our physical selves every 7 years, we do the same for our spiritual.)  This body/mind no longer feels immortal, and the urgency is almost choking at times to just BE who I really am.  Not a small, shrouded, scared little version of said-god-self, but IT.  HER.  Unmasked.  Vulnerable.  True to her word (to all, but most especially myself.)  And pedal to the metal with all that has always intuitively said “Do This.”

Which is why I’m here.  In part to immortalize the intentions, and in part to actualize them, as writing (and exposing truth) is at the very core of this awakening, and this being.  The ego known as Kitty – she writes.  Always has.  One of the purest forms of how divine expression manifests through me.

So while this particular post is a tad indulgent and mememe, it’s also a tangible ember to ignite this fire again.  We are all god, pretending to be separate selves.  If we follow our heads alone, they may lead to magnificent relative successes, but usually with a sense of emptiness.  Following intuition can lead to an unpredictable, seemingly unsafe, wild unfolding adventure – but perhaps with a sense of oneness.  Of wholeness.  And if you’ve had that. . . no amount of material success can match it.  Freedom is the flavor that trumps all the rest.  And having written this, I’m one step closer.

“Here we are on a journey from birth to death, with an opportunity to contribute a verse to the song of life. I want to sing of a deep awake world. I want to sing of a new tribe of compassionate, creative, wise, liberated, erotic, sublime, appreciative, unique individuals, living lucidly as one and many… If you do too, let’s sing together and raise the roof.”

How Long Is Now?, Tim Freke, 2009

A little over four years ago, on that first fateful date with Seeker, he gave me a copy of a little book called Lucid Living, by Timothy Freke.  I read it the following day in one sitting – only took about 30 minutes to digest, but the impact was profound enough to shift the course of my life for good.  It packs a punch, this little morsel, and I remember exactly where I read it (in bed, broad daylight, hungover from too much drinky with Seeker) and how I felt as I meandered through it (shocked, thrilled, awed, and holy shit – SAFE.)  The book outlines a little of life’s mystery – creating a beautiful metaphor between lucid dreaming, and our so-called “waking” lives.  It is audacious and yet loving, profound yet simple, and I started looking at my world in a new light after having read it.

Tim made such an impression with this bitty beast, I did a ton of research on the author himself, and found he had created a group called the Alliance for Lucid Living.  The ALL, for short, is a group that supports people who have found their way to this awakening – to bring us all together so we can keep talking the talk, and walking the same – with support and love.  I joined straight away, and started receiving the infrequent but magnificent emails.  I watched Tim’s schedule, noting that while he did all these intriguing workshops and talks, he didn’t do them often in the states, and never in a place I could actually attend.  As I read more of and about him, however, he quickly reached hero status to me – he’s written 31 books, has a freaking awesome, British sense of humor, and just absolutely exudes Big Love (one of his trademark phrases).  I was simply enamored with his mission to awaken people to their true natures – to show the door to the Oneness with such gentleness and humor.  And success.  He has legions of folks, myself included, testifying to the power of his philosophies.  His ideas are tried, tested, and true – I’m living proof.  He helped me wake up.

Then came the day I had been waiting for.  An ALL newsletter in the summer of 2009 revealed that Tim would be speaking at the Science and Non-Duality conference in San Francisco, and putting on a day-long retreat as well.  Orion and I made immediate plans to attend both, and we had an absolute blast.  The workshop did a number on me.  Not only did I start to really feel this space of Big Love that Tim talked so much about, I got to meet this Hero of mine.  Some of us even had dinner with him afterwards.  And as Orion and I sat talking to this remarkably humble, brilliant being, we said simply “Man, come to Vegas.  We need you out there.  We’re ready.”

A few months of correspondence transpired, and lo and behold – we actually inked this desert dream.  Tim and his long-time friend and assistant Anthony came to visit us last week, here to infuse Vegas with a big beautiful wake-up call.  I had one of my heroes STAYING IN MY HOME.  We spent the week together.  He makes it hard to hold him in hero-status, however, as he’s just so human.  So full of love and lacking all that superiority business.  I, at least, had a fucking fabulous time.  We had a sushi dinner to introduce him to the community, along with a local radio interview (which Orion and I were blessed enough to assist with.)  Then we had a Stand Up Philosophy events, another trademark of Tim’s, where he gave a teaser for the Main Event and gave people a glimpse into his insight and offerings.  It was a fantastic night.  50 or so seekers heard some truth, and felt a connection beyond their separate selves.  That would have been enough.  But the money shot was coming.

Last weekend, we hosted Tim’s famous Magical Mystery Experience workshop in our home.  20 folks from literally around the world (Mexico, Britain, Ecuador, Los Angeles, Las Vegas) joined us for a deep dive into the great mystery of life and love.  Tim combines a lot of revealing, insightful banter with a bunch of intensely beautiful exercises.  They all help each participant celebrate their separate consciousnesses (for without them, we would have no identity, and no ability to reflect and experience on what we *really* are, in that awesome oneness sense), and to step outside this space and into the realm of that glorious Big Love.  It’s a tough process to describe.  But oh my god is it ever powerful.  I cried a whole lotta happy tears all weekend.  I got to share this heart-exploding experience with some of my Very Favorite People (BFF + her Painter partner, Orion, several angels from Vegas, etc.).  And I absolutely, unequivocally fell more in love with myself, my friends, and the whole wide world.

Tim doesn’t pretend to have all the answers.  He’s refreshingly honest in the way he readily (and humorously) admits what he doesn’t know.  Which, as he states it, is just about everything.  But what he does is re-awaken us to the deliciousness of life, it’s very mystery and magic.  And he’s figured out a very gentle, hugely effective way to lift folks right up into the space of oneness – of complete and utter love like you’ve never experience.

Words simply cannot express how huge and awesome this weekend was.  Tim gifted us all with unspeakable awakenings, allowed us to bond and feel the oneness with each other, and just as precious to me, became a real friend to Orion and myself.  It’s quite a miracle when someone who literally changed your life from afar suddenly becomes a very real fixture in your waking world.  First Tori Amos, now Tim Freke – and this time it’s much more real.  I really couldn’t be more grateful.

We’re doing it again this September – we’ve tentatively chosen September 3-5 for the next big event – another Magical Mystery Experience, complete with a Standup Philosophy Event on Thursday, September 2nd.

If you gift yourself with only one consciousness exploration this year, this is really, truly The One.  I’m a retreat junkie – I’ve been to many experiences that are crafted to help wake us up to who we are.  But none are more powerful – in the most gentlest of ways – than Tim Freke’s Magical Mystery Experience.  This is a safe, intimate, heart-expanding experience, and everyone who came last weekend had a profoundly beautiful time.  We’d love to see you at the next one.  I’ll keep this blog updated with the next go-round, but seriously, set your travel plans now if you aren’t already in Las Vegas.  You deserve to know this love.  I sure as hell do, and every cell in my being is still rejoicing.

This is the post that the small part of me never believed I’d ever compose and share.  This is the part of life that I feared I would always be seeking.

And yet, here it is – the absolute Truth, unfolding within me like sunbeams reaching through the silvered windows of a prison cell.  I am breathing this life with new lungs, finally connecting to the source.  The real is-ness is awakening.

First, the story.  Later, the aftermath.  As that will be infinite.

Ten days ago, Orion and I went to Denver for a spiritual adventure.  We spent 1 day and 1 night at a retreat with Adyashanti, a magnificent awakened being who is now my primary teacher.  Adya had his enlightenment experience 10+ years ago, and has been sharing his unique view on the process for years now.  What resonates most is that Adya maintains that this liberated state of consciousness is right there for whomever wishes to grasp it.  I’ve previously held the notion that enlightenment is a near-impossible feat, rare and precious and just barely within reach.  Adya cries poppycock to this belief.  Just like he does all beliefs.  And that has been integral to the current openings.

After the retreat, Orion and I spent time with a channeler and his wife.  I received a kinesiology session from this woman too – she helped me own a few health issues and start holistically unraveling the key to balancing my body.  All in all, it was four days of intense mysticism, and we came home with exhausted but dreamy-eyed bliss.

On Monday night of last week, Orion followed his usual routine – he dove into the shower after a gorgeously connected pillow talk and entered a deep meditation.  Our travertine shower is his chosen haven for space travel – he’s had huge, huge openings in the last few months in there, and had come to rely on the consistency of his realizations.  This night held the biggest of them all.  Orion finally let go of the constructs of his mind and jumped deep into the Void – the home we’ve discovered is the birth of all existence.  He dropped his identity and completely Self-Realized.  

I felt it happening as I laid in bed, trying to meditate myself, waiting for his return.  I felt it happening and yet, I felt myself. . .if I had to describe it then. . .dying.  Imploding.  Falling in on myself in a mountain of self-destruction.  Even though I wanted so much to be happy for him, the contrast of his greatness with my own perceived falling-to-pieces starting kicking in.  And a wild ride awaited.

Orion emerged from the shower and lay next to me, quickly relaying this incredible opening.  I knew in an instance that he was achieving that which we both had been dreaming and striving for since we first said hello and partnered up.  I saw him soaring, heard the truth of his awakening, and at the exact same time, fell into the black hole of my own creation.

I called myself a failure internally.  The disdain for my slothish ways rose up and gripped my being, putting my head in an invisible vice as my angry ego spouted off her destructive thoughts.  Orion was waking up, and I felt myself fall further into the darkness than I had ever been.  And I didn’t want to go.  Oh my God, I didn’t want to go.

The days that followed increased and intensified our points of view.  Orion finally knew the truth in his entire being.  He was / is in the experience of knowing our world is just a glorious construct of our ever-powerful minds, and that we are one with the light AND the darkness.  That we are, collectively, as one, both the created and the creator.  And as he owned this with every word and action he displayed, I owned more and more the notion of my separateness.  Results in my life started reflecting these views too – health issues, conflict, fear, and a profoundly deep depression.  He was ascending out of the madness, and I was falling farther in.

Or so it seemed.  Apparently, as my enlightened angel-friend Pi would say.

On Friday morning, the perfect storm amassed.  Orion told me we were going to a special meeting on Saturday – our two enlightened teachers and the other hardcore seekers had agreed to assemble in order to hear Orion’s story of awakening.  That proved to be too much of an invitation for me.  My inferiority and perception of failure exploded inside of me then – the thought of hanging with the know-it-all boys and their incessant enlightenment ramblings enraged me.  I couldn’t be the angsty, little-girl-lost looming next to the spiritual powerhouse.  The contrast was killing me.

I used to do an outstanding job of masking my emotions.  But my years of truth-seeking has worn down the acting skills of my control-hungry ego.  The eruption that rose up in me in those moments with Orion was simply too much to hide.  I completely, utterly and totally lost my shit.  Demonic screams flew out of me.  I bashed my head against the wall without abandon.  I packed a bag and told Orion I was finished with him.  That I just couldn’t stand the pain I had found myself lost in.  I turned into a seemingly ugly, violent, destructive force.  And what did Orion do?  He laughed at me.  Repeatedly.  He didn’t believe a word of my rage.  And that made me. . .all the more rageful.

I had reached my new rock bottom.  It had never gone this low before.  Little threads of my higher self would sweep in from time to time, dropping life lines and wisdom nuggets that both Orion and I could use as tethers to reality.  He did all he could to help, when I would allow it, and even when I wouldn’t.  But I knew I had to dig myself out and I still didn’t know how.

Orion took off that day for lunch with Pi, and I was left to wallow in my self-disgust.  I balled myself up into our closet and tried to find myself.  What I discovered in that black hole of my soul was a hidden truth – I was dreadfully afraid of the emotion I carried because of an incident that transpired 14 years prior.  I lost control once when I was 20, and in a similarly dark daze, I overdosed on Valium and other narcotics.  7 minutes away from going to the true home, paramedics arrived and brought me back.  And ever since then, I have ceased to trust myself.  There have been many, many, many suicidal moments, but more akin to ideation than actual intent.  This time felt different.  Or at least, I was surrendered to allow it to be so.

I gave up the desire to fight with myself.  Instead, I rose up in a surrendered haze and grabbed my various exit options.  Pills.  Orion’s gun.  Knives from the kitchen drawer.  Lots and lots of options.  I sat there staring at the line-up, and something unexpected happened.  The destructive beast that had taken over me started to retreat.  She had an excuse for every option.  She didn’t know how to load a gun.  She was too afraid the pills wouldn’t do the deed.  She was sure the knives weren’t sharp enough.

And so started the epiphanies.  Oh my God, I realized I had given this angry-self way, way too much credit.  She didn’t have the guts to do any damage whatsoever.  14 years ago had been nothing but a fluke.  There was no destructive intent – there were only empty threats.

I put all the weapons away and went back to the closet to cry.  I didn’t feel better – I even felt a little worse.  There were no more options.  If I couldn’t end things, then I had no escape from what I was feeling, and that made me all the more insane.  The pain felt insurmountable.  All the work I had done to build up the awareness of the higher self – it felt meaningless in those hours.  I was being split in two.

Orion came home and coaxed me out to the bed to lay and talk.  I did so, finally resigned to at least listen to him.  I had no fight left.  As we discussed things, I heard him give me advice again on how to go into the pain, rather than continue to run away.  I kept insisting, previously, that I didn’t know what that meant.  Yet, I knew exactly what he meant, and I was finally tired enough to actually do what he requested.  I went in.  All the way in.  I went to the place inside me – in my power center, where the solar plexus is – and found the fear.  I heard her voice, I felt her touch, I tasted and smelled and willed myself into her essence.  The tears flowed like a fire hose.  I started to scream and emit with wild eruptions.  My body rocked and seized as I continued to release.  I saw light, I saw darkness, I saw all of creation dancing beneath my eyelids.  And when I felt there was no more to let go of, I slowly came back to myself.

I felt so. Much. Better.  I smiled at Orion and felt the sparkle come back.  That which I feared the most didn’t come close to killing me – it gave me back my power.

“That place inside me.  The place where the fear lives.  Oh my God, Orion, she’s my best friend.  My homing beacon.  I now know where to go to find the Truth.”

That was my revelation.  So simple, so luminous.  

My transcendence found her momentum then, and life as we knew it resumed.  I reveled in my newfound “feeling better-ness”, and devoured Orion’s descriptions of his new perspective.  I could finally be ecstatic for him, for the state he had reached.  No longer consumed in my own silly story, I could be happy for the man I love for reaching everything he was searching for.

Our meeting on Saturday was wonderful.  I heard another friend, RPS, tell me that the key to all of this was believing that you were already enlightened, and had nothing to achieve except acceptance.  That resonated too.  I owned that.  I took on that perspective and finally felt that I, too, could have this.  I HAD this already.  We all do.  We, the collective God.  For only God could create a lie so real the He/She would believe it.  Temporarily so – and this is what I started feeling.  The temporary-ness of my psychosis.

Orion continued to open up and take on new elements of his awakening.  We had a beautiful night together, eating Indian food, having beautiful passionate sex, and doing what we do best – supporting each other.  We slept in a bit on Sunday morning, and then woke up to our trademark pillow talk.  About enlightenment, as always.

The subject of beliefs came up.  We started discussing how integral our agreement some months back to dismantle our beliefs actually was on our path.  For a long time now, we have sought to disprove all the many beliefs / stories we had told ourselves for all our part of our lives.  Everything.  I let go of angels and Tarot cards.  He let go of logic and reason.  We both let go of everything we once thought defined us.  And as I started to say, wow, it feels good to not have to have a false belief in anything. . .

That’s when it happened.  I was flooded.  Absolutely FLOODED.  With knowingness.  

I placed my hand on his chest and closed my eyes, emoting and smiling and falling into what was happening within.  I knew an expansion had begun.  All I could feel was what I finally KNEW – not believed.  Not ascertained.  Not THOUGHT.  What was flowing through me was much, much higher than thought.  This was divine grace.  I was waking up.

I owned with every cell within that this life experience is just a dream.  There is no reality, only what we perceive.  I felt this and knew this and burst out laughing.  It’s the most amazing cosmic joke imaginable.  That I should believe this is real.  That I should believe *I* am real.  I understand that from the personal perspective, of course everything seems real.  But from the God Mind, the place from which we all spring and ARE, it is only an illusion.  I saw the Void clearly with eyes open.  Home.  Utter and pure awareness, and nothing else.  

I’ll share the rest of this unfolding as it continues to reveal itself – this is already a lot to take in.

Thank you to the Great Grace that has taken the me out of me, and brought me back to Truth.  Thank you to my teachers – Pranananda, Pi, RSP, Jim, Adyashanti, Orion.  And thank you to myself for the allowance to die before we die.

“We are dying into the river of existence.”

-Adyashanti